BREAK TO BREATHE
by Okami Rayne
Chapter Nine
The Nara forest lay carpeted by the thinnest veil of mist, filled with the nocturnal symphony of chirping cicadas from below and the rustling of maple leaves from above. In the darkness, fireflies skittered or drifted, fading in and out of the mists like fallen stars.
Neji watched their dance through tired, shuttered eyes, his fingertips smoothing a healing salve over the faint burns along his arm.
He couldn't remember the last time he'd been this exhausted.
But it felt different from the usual fatigue of chakra expenditure. He hadn't been lying earlier when he said he'd reached his limit. His chakra was so low it felt as if someone had torn the blood and mobility out of his body, sapping vital strength that he normally commanded with the arrogant assurance that it would always be there.
But this tiredness was something different.
It was an ache that went deep, deep into his bones, tightening his ribs and leaving him feeling hints of that dangerous breathlessness he'd been fighting back for two months.
Not now…not tonight…I don't think I can fight it tonight… His fingers stilled against his arm then tugged the yukata sleeve back down. The Hyūga sat outside on the low veranda, bathed in a soft puddle of light that filtered dimly from the very same guest quarters he'd slipped out of and away from two months ago.
I shouldn't be here… He shouldn't have accepted Shikamaru's offer at all; but there was no safer alternative. Either way, his mental discomfort had paled against the pain slowly seeping through his muscles. The moment he'd crossed the threshold into the Nara residence, his body had finally begun to give out. His fingers had started that offensive shaking; small, barely perceivable tremors. Shikamaru must have noticed, because the shadow-wielder had quietly – and thankfully without a fuss – set about getting medicinal supplies; all the while appearing casual and unbothered.
He shouldn't be bothering at all… But he was. Neji didn't want to think about why.
Instead, the Hyūga dropped his shoulder and peeled the yukata down, applying some salve to his back as best he could. It was no small blessing that the Nara clan held a wealth of therapeutic liniments.
Neji couldn't help but be a little surprised.
What with the lackadaisical attitude that a lot of the Nara men possessed, it made it impossible to believe they had the focus required to commit to such dedicated healing research.
Perhaps he should have been thanking Shikamaru's mother – it was
her stash of carefully kept medicine that Shikamaru had pilfered through with a muttered commentary about her troublesome habit not to label things. Neji quickly checked the salve, just to make sure he wasn't rubbing something questionable into his shoulder.
A thud sounded from somewhere inside.
"Crap…"
Neji turned his head at the quiet curse. The shoji door slid open a little more and Shikamaru slipped out sideways, a tray precariously balanced on one palm.
"You made tea," Neji observed before turning his gaze to the garden, then back to the forest beyond. "I thought you weren't going to play host."
"Don't expect a three-course meal," Shikamaru drawled, setting the tray down on the swept wood of the veranda. "Tea is about as hospitable as it's gonna get."
Neji quirked his lip weakly, placing the salve aside. "I appreciate the obvious effort."
"You should." Shikamaru lazily sank down to sit, one leg hanging over the porch, the other propped up to support his arm. "My mom would be so proud…"
While it wasn't necessary, Neji somewhat appreciated the humour. It was difficult enough to be in such a position – again. It irked the Hyūga like nothing else to know that Shikamaru had been privy to these dangerous slips in his stoic mien. Had he possessed the energy, Neji might have attempted to remove himself from the veranda, but to his private irritation he valued the lack of pain over his pride at the moment.
His thoughts must have been playing across his face, because Shikamaru chuckled quietly. "Relax, Neji."
Again that word.
Neji let his eyes shift down from the play of fireflies, to trace the wide stones leading up to the still waters of the garden pond.
Relax. He couldn't afford to, even if he'd wanted to. He told himself he didn't. He couldn't relax, not for a second. Every time he tried to loosen the tension in his core, a rattling syncopation began to affect his breathing. Like to let go would unleash something he didn't have the energy to face.
Not tonight…just not tonight… Relaxation fell low on his list of objectives. Recuperation and scraping together some measure of dignity was what mattered now.
Neji released a quiet breath and reached for the tea, his pale fingers weaving through the steam of the drink before he lifted the small cup, taking a sip of the soothing brew. A wince drew his attention to Shikamaru. The Chūnin had craned his neck slightly, his dark eyes settled on Neji's exposed shoulder blade.
"That looks pretty bad."
"It doesn't feel too great either." Neji quirked his lip, trying to downplay the wound he couldn't see but could most definitely feel. The collapsing roof of the tunnel hadn't done his back any favours. "But it will heal."
"Hn. You really should get yourself checked up."
"If I were on a mission, I wouldn't have that luxury."
"Well, you're not on a mission," Shikamaru supplied lightly, reaching for his teacup, tipping his chin toward the wound. "That could get infected."
"I trust the ointment you gave me will prevent infection."
"Let's just hope I've given you the right stuff and not weapon oil or something."
Neji paused, his lips hovering above the thin rim of the teacup. He shot Shikamaru a sideways glance. "That's not funny…"
Shikamaru pursed his lips in a way that indicated he was trying not to smile. "Guess not."
Neji wasn't taking any chances. He glanced down at the salve he'd set to the side, resisting the urge to activate his Byakugan to see through the container. He heard Shikamaru chuckle and snapped his gaze back up, covering his embarrassment with a scowl.
"It won't be funny when I use it to oil the weapon I'm going to stab you with should this turn out to be—"
"Careful Hyūga, that sounds inappropriately suggestive…" Shikamaru hid his smile behind a waft of steam from the tea.
"Shikamaru," Neji warned.
"Hell, how do you even have the energy to be making threats?" Shikamaru smirked, a chuckle softening any bite in his sarcasm. "Aren't you tired?"
Yes. Neji felt his irritation deflate and he managed a quiet hum in response. Tired was an understatement. He twisted at the waist, only to stop mid-way between reaching for the salve when pain shot like a lance through his hip.
Tired, pissed off and in pain – that was closer to the mark.
He bit back his frustration and set about attempting to tend to the wounds he could reach, all the while keeping his eyes pointedly
away from the other ninja.
"We've got some sedatives somewhere," Shikamaru said. "Should help you sleep through the pain."
"You mean you aren't going to knock me unconscious like last time?" Neji snorted, but his eyes carried a veiled amusement. "How thoughtful of you."
"Come to think of it, that would be less troublesome." Shikamaru smirked, sitting up a little straighter until his profile became embossed by moonlight.
The eerie glow hollowed his features, making the Nara's brown eyes seem as black as onyx, the light of closely hovering fireflies sparking in the dark depths. Neji quickly flicked his gaze away, frowning. Shikamaru mistook his expression for pain.
"To the left."
Neji blinked at the odd words, but didn't look up; he was too busy concentrating on hooking his arm back and smoothing his fingers along the gash in his shoulder-blade.
"Excuse me?"
Shikamaru rolled his eyes and set his cup down with a light chink against the tray.
"Ugh, what a drag…" the shadow-nin grumbled, shifting over to kneel behind Neji.
Neji's fingertips froze; his entire body tensing up like he'd just caught a chill. "What are you doing?"
"Relax, I'm not gonna braid your hair or anything…unless you start acting like a girl by making this difficult."
Neji bristled at the insult, casting a sharp glance over his shoulder. Shikamaru smirked and reached across to tug the salve from Neji's fingers. Apparently asking permission didn't mean anything to the Chūnin, which shouldn't have surprised Neji really. The Hyūga distracted himself with the tea, taking a sip as he listened to Shikamaru twist the cap off the salve.
For a horrible moment, it was like the world held its breath.
An awkward kind of tension clung to Neji's body as if he were preparing himself to be stabbed. Shikamaru's breathy chuckle fanned across his shoulder, causing his brows to furrow sharply. Why was he laughing?
"You're holding your breath again." The Nara's voice carried his smile. "Quit doing that."
"I'm
not," Neji bit back, knowing it was a complete lie but unable to keep from reacting.
Why do I always take the bait with this bastard? To Neji's horror, his skin prickled beneath the sweeping touch of Shikamaru's fingertips as they glided gently across his shoulder-blade, brushing his hair aside. Thankfully, he preserved enough self-control not to fidget.
"Would you stop tensing up and try to breathe like a normal person?"
"Oh shut up, Nara."
Shikamaru's harassed breath chased across his shoulder again. "You're such a damn pain."
"Then don't bother."
"How the hell does your hair not get in the way of everything you do?"
"I'm used to it." Neji took a sip of his tea, not daring to turn and glare as Shikamaru ended up dumping said hair over his shoulder to stream down his chest.
"So you don't wanna haircut while I'm back here then?"
"Shikamaru…"
"Settle down, Hyūga."
Neji smiled slightly, shaking his head. Thankfully Shikamaru couldn't see his expression – which abruptly shifted when a cool, slick touch smoothed along the raw edges of the gouge in his shoulder. Neji drew a short, sharp breath, holding it tight as he felt the faintly calloused pads of Shikamaru's fingers skim gently across his skin.
A parade of tingles exploded along his spine.
It's the balm. At least, that's what he logically told himself it was. There was no reason it should be anything else. He blinked when the flat of Shikamaru's palm pressed gently between his shoulder blades, forcing his shoulders to drop back a little and his chest to protract.
"Breathe," Shikamaru instructed softly.
Neji released the tense lock at his jaw, silently letting the air seep from his lips. It almost snagged in his throat again when he felt the heel of Shikamaru's hand drag along the length of his spine, as if rolling out the tension and forcing him to expel another breath.
"Not too difficult, right?" Shikamaru teased.
I wish that were true. Neji didn't offer a response and instead just closed his eyes, setting down his teacup to brace his hand against the porch floor. The warmth from Shikamaru's palm narrowed to the light skim of fingertips, which moved carefully over the sore skin, applying a generous sheet of the salve.
"Hopefully it won't scar too bad," Shikamaru said.
Neji hummed, trying not to focus on the odd sensations fluttering through him. He pinned it down to being exhausted, because he couldn't identify any other reason as to why it felt so calming to be touched like this. The gentle glide of Shikamaru's fingers continued like the sweep of a brush, lulling Neji into a stillness he'd not been able to attain despite his routine habits of meditation.
He could feel his mind drifting and his breathing lulling.
Shikamaru's thumb grazed his spine softly. "Hey, you falling asleep there?"
Neji's lashes fluttered open, his voice quiet. "Don't be ridiculous…"
"No bad thing, just not the best place to take a nap."
"I'm not falling asleep. As if I could, while sitting up like this."
"Hey, it's possible. I've done it before."
"I'd believe it," Neji muttered, sounding more amused than he'd intended. "I wouldn't put it past you to fall asleep while standing."
"Hey, nothing wrong with catchin' a nap when an opportunity presents itself." Shikamaru stretched across for the salve again.
Neji let his eyes shutter, trying to ignore the chill that danced along his skin until the stroke of Shikamaru's fingers chased it away again. He cleared his throat, trying not to react to the odd sensation. It was ridiculous to be giving it his attention at all.
"Why do you sleep so much anyway?" Neji asked, needing a distraction. "It's not as if you exert the kind of effort that warrants it."
Rather than offer an expected retort, Shikamaru fell quiet, as if considering the question. Neji almost thought he wasn't going to bother to respond. Of course, Shikamaru surprised him.
"Asuma-sensei has a theory that it's because my mind doesn't switch off…hence the need to just blackout whenever I can to get it to shut up."
Neji blinked, arching a brow as he turned his head minutely, the sharp line of his jaw visible as he stole a glance at the shadow-nin. "Oh?"
"Yeah…" Shikamaru slanted out of sight, his attention shifting to Neji's opposite shoulder blade. "But it's just a theory. Sounds like a load of crap to me."
Neji considered this for a moment. It actually made perfect sense. Mental fatigue impacted the body in a way physical exertion didn't. If the rate at which Shikamaru's brain operated had anything to do with it, it was little surprise that the shadow-nin snatched naps whenever he could.
Neji hummed. "Well, if your mind is the problem, you could always ask someone to render you unconscious as you so politely did to me."
"Ugh, you're not gonna let that go are you?" Shikamaru chuckled, the sound rolling across Neji's skin.
"I can't believe you did that."
Amongst other things…His mind silently added.
"Yeah well, don't make me do it again." Shikamaru's palm pressed firmly against his spine, forcing him to arch and release another slow breath. "
Breathe."
Pain tightened in Neji's chest. "Please stop doing that."
Shikamaru ignored him and went back to checking the damage to his shoulders, occasionally slanting from one side to the other in a comical sway which Neji assumed was to let the light from the guest room illuminate his back.
The Nara took another few minutes to check over the gouges before taking up the gauze to patch up the area. "It may be uncomfortable to sleep on your back."
"Mmn." Neji let his eyes drift shut again, listening to the shuffle of movement as Shikamaru carefully smoothed medical tape down to secure the dressing. "I didn't thank you…for taking Hinata to Gai-senpai…"
"Not a problem."
Neji hesitated before asking his next question. "Was she in much pain?"
He felt Shikamaru's hand waver for a moment before settling on his shoulder. "She was more concerned about you."
Neji felt as if a screw tightened in his chest. "She shouldn't have been."
"Yeah well, that tends to happen when you care."
"Caring almost got her
killed." Neji's throat locked straight after the words slipped out. He hadn't meant to say that out loud; or his next statement. "She could have died."
"Yeah, so could
you."
"That's not the point, Shikamaru." Neji tried to tug his shoulder away from Shikamaru's hand, but the Nara's fingers tightened.
"I told you dying wasn't an option. Now let it go."
I can't. I'm supposed to protect her. Neji grit his teeth, more against that damned pain tightening his chest. He tilted slightly; the pathetic slant was the only energy he could summon to put some distance between himself and Shikamaru.
"How can you take it so lightly, Nara?"
"Look, just because I'm not gonna waste effort worrying over something that
could have happened but
didn't, doesn't mean I'm 'taking it lightly'."
He sensed Shikamaru's gaze boring into the back of his head but then the Nara's thumb smoothed against his skin in a slow press, somehow managing to calm him as quickly as the words had riled him. Such a simple touch and it had Neji's insides twisting with some indescribable contradiction of feeling. Before he could try to understand it, the touch dropped away, like the warmth of the sun passing behind a cloud.
Shikamaru shifted to sit across from Neji, taking up his teacup again. Neji took the opportunity to tug his yukata back up, folding it neatly into place as he kept his eyes averted. His gaze followed the evanescent shimmer of light rippling across the surface of the pond.
"Besides," Shikamaru shrugged. "Feeling guilty doesn't change anything."
Neji tensed. "I didn't say I felt guilty."
"You don't have to say you look like hell either, but you do. Some things don't need to be spelled out, Hyūga."
Neji had no response to Shikamaru's words, as honestly, he had no idea what he currently looked like. Had he bothered to wipe the condensation from the mirror in the bathroom and face himself, he'd have found shadows of exhaustion clinging to the hollows of his cheeks and pooling beneath his eyes. He'd have discovered the sharp, elegant angles of his face had turned gaunt and haunted.
Silence slipped between him and Shikamaru, filled only by an occasional exhale as he heard the Chūnin's breath waft across the surface of his teacup to scatter the fading steam. Neji fought to keep his eyes on the pond, trying to slip into that safe zone of meditative quiet that Shikamaru had somehow managed to grant him with a simple touch.
It was ridiculous.
Why is it so difficult? It never used to be this difficult… The Hyūga closed his eyes, trying to reassemble what felt horribly scattered, drifting further out of the boundaries of his control with every heartbeat. He had
never been uncomfortable with silence before. It had always been a refuge. But now it only drew attention to the noise pounding at his temples, to the hitch in his chest and to that dull ache he couldn't seem to control.
Control… He slipped his eyes open a little, painfully aware of how infuriatingly in control Shikamaru appeared to be, without even trying.
Damn him. Envy exploded hot and horrid in Neji's chest, crawling up his throat like bile before expelling itself in an acerbic snort.
"It must be so easy for you…" Neji heard himself saying aloud, while part of his mind, mortified, scrambled wildly to silence his tongue.
Shikamaru paused with his tea half-way to his lips. "What?"
"Nothing."
Shikamaru arched a brow as he slid his gaze across. "What the hell's that supposed to mean?"
"Forget it. I apologise." Neji shook his head, angry at his immature slip and angrier at Shikamaru for being the one to provoke and witness it.
In contrast to the Jōnin's erratic mood, Shikamaru just released a quiet sigh, tipped his head back and closed his eyes for a moment.
And in that moment Neji hated him…
Hated his blasé composure, his absolute nonchalance and his indolent ability to keep himself together without having to
try – without having to contort his insides until they ached or steel his surface until it cracked.
Once, Neji had never had to try either.
"Well come on, Hyūga," Shikamaru prodded with a faint edge to his deceptively lazy drawl. "What the hell is so damned easy for me?"
"Nothing. I told you to forget it." Neji glared, concentrating as much venom into it as he could summon before shifting painfully to his feet and turning towards the guest room.
He vaguely heard the shuffle of moment behind him, assuming that Shikamaru was clearing the neglected tea. Then fingers brushed his wrist. Neji jerked away from the touch, turning with a scowl, armed with a scathing remark to cut the shadow-nin down.
The acerbic comment died on his tongue.
Shikamaru was standing very close – too close – his dark eyes shifting with nameless shadows, as unreadable as his voice, which rolled out like smoke.
"I can't forget it."
Neji's anger thinned, his expression rippling with confusion as he tried to understand the strange inflection touching Shikamaru's normally deadpan tones.
Kami, he was too tired to think, let alone construct a way to counter this game.
He didn't have the energy or the desire to get angry, just the desperate need to make everything
stop; mostly that dangerous look in Shikamaru's eyes…it was pulling up pain from cavities in Neji's chest too raw to take the abuse right now.
"You want me to apologise again, Nara?" Neji tried to force a sliver of irritation into his formal tone, but it was weak, tired.
Shikamaru shook his head. "No. "
Neji stared back, trying to glare, trying to communicate a silent request for Shikamaru to just make this easier and say something to piss him off. To give him a reason to push anger into his voice instead of confused weariness. To give him an excuse to pull up another defence with energy he didn't have.
Give me a reason to hate you, Nara…just one…that's all I need right now. Neji flicked his gaze across Shikamaru's face, trying to decipher what was hiding in the shadows of those eyes, searching desperately for something to justify that the other ninja was trying to rile him.
But he wasn't.
Those dark eyes watched him with an unnerving stillness and intense engagement that he was certain Shikamaru had only ever shown to a Shogi board. But he didn't look like he was playing games. Neji had no idea what was going on behind those eyes – and this lack of understanding unnerved him.
"Don't look at me that way," Neji let a layer of ice sheet his words. "If you have something to say, then say it."
"Funny, I could say the same damn thing to you."
Neji took a step back without appearing to retreat – his chin raised a notch. "Are you really looking to push me, Shikamaru?"
Say yes. "No."
Bastard. "Then what the hell are you doing?"
"I'm waiting for you to move your ass so I can get inside. It may have escaped your notice, but it's getting cold."
The blasé comment blindsided Neji completely, leaving him speechless.
What? Shikamaru continued to watch him. "Besides, I need to find you those sedatives…"
Neji blinked, still trying to adjust to the abrupt shift in topic and mood. "What?"
"Unless you'd prefer a pressure-point knock out? We both know how much you appreciated that last time." Shikamaru smirked slightly, letting that shadowed look slip from his face, but not quite from his eyes. "Or there's always saké."
Neji lowered his lashes with a tired sigh, his voice falling softly. "You're an idiot, Shikamaru."
"Thanks," was Shikamaru's equally quiet reply. But his voice held a strange gravity.
Neji didn't need to open his eyes to know that Shikamaru was watching him with a frown; the same way he knew that if he'd not been clinging to the last slivers of his control, he'd have been staring straight back – just as confused.
The smouldering end of the cigarette flared amber in the darkness. Coils of smoke drifted up to hang in a haze above Shikamaru's head, almost milky in the dim light filtering through his room.
He cocked his head against his pillow, finding patterns in the smoke much as he did when he cloud-gazed. Sleep wouldn't come and he couldn't be bothered to read or focus on anything that required him to move from his futon. So he'd lit a cigarette from the packet he hadn't gotten round to handing over to Asuma.
Just to create some makeshift clouds.
That's how the conspiracy crap with the cigarettes had started really.
If he couldn't find clouds, he'd make them.
Occasionally he'd bring the cigarette to his lips and take a drag; only to expel the toxin in gentle rings to form more patterns to gaze at, rather than to get a kick from the nicotine; unless he needed the distraction.
He'd known it was a stupid thing to start, just to watch smoke, but considering how smart he was expected to be most of the time, it could only be healthy and human to have a detrimental habit.
That Hyūga's becoming a detrimental habit… He smirked at the thought, shaking his head as a thin stream of smoke wafted from his lips. Neji had declined the sedatives earlier, opting for a bit of mediation before sleep. Shikamaru hadn't pushed the matter, choosing a mutual ceasefire in their normally strategic banter. As much as he shirked confrontation, it was hard to resist the intelligent repartee with the Hyūga. Neji could hold his intellectual ground and while Shikamaru had no real motivation or fondness for physical combat unless pushed, cerebral challenges were his forte.
Not an excuse to get tangled up this shit… 'This shit' currently lacked definition. He had no intention of naming it.
Shikamaru sighed as he twisted his wrist to stare at the cigarette slotted between his fingers. The glowing ember reflected in the depths of his irises as he studied the shrivelling ash, eventually tracking his gaze back up to the soupy swirl of smoke.
Pale and enigmatic.
Neji's eyes came to mind, rather abruptly.
Troublesome. Those damned eyes; so hard to read yet so impossible to
not want to figure out. Just like clouds, stormy one minute, serene the next - gossamer emotion barely skimming the surface before it was whipped away on a gale of pride or decorum.
Shikamaru had to smile self-depreciatingly, because the amount of adjectives running through his head suggested that he might be getting quixotic – which was the most inappropriate adjective in relation to his own personality.
When the hell did I start thinking like a fucking girl? He brushed his finger across the burning end of the cigarette, almost searing his skin. Good. It was a brief, stupid distraction from a lasting, even more stupid thought.
Neji. Dammit.
He didn't know what was worse, the fact that he could still feel Neji's skin beneath his fingertips, or the fact that this probably meant something. Both were equally troublesome thoughts; the denominator of all his problems being Neji's ability to kick-start a reaction where he wanted nothing but idle, lazy, familiar stillness.
Not this hassle... He'd have blamed Hinata, but knew that was just pathetic. He had no one and nothing to blame but that masochistic little part of his brain that kept prompting him to do what he hated doing under any other circumstances – sticking his neck out when it was avoidable.
Yep. I've officially lost my sanity. Too bad…could have smart-assed my way to Jōnin and got everyone off my damn back…what a drag… He didn't have time to finish the idle train of thought before an odd feeling tightened in the pit of his stomach. He caught his breath at the odd sensation. He couldn't explain it, which was probably the only reason he bothered to pay it attention.
Ash dropped from the end of his cigarette onto his chest.
The fuzzy glow of his alarm clock drew his gaze just as the numbers changed.
4:00 AM
Then he heard it.
Pain tore him from his sleep like fangs ripping out his lungs.
Neji's eyes flew open as he choked on a gasp.
No! Not again… He rammed his elbows into the mattress, pushing his chest away from the futon as he hacked out a cough that splattered red onto the pillow.
No… He shoved himself up to kneel, the yukata falling open as his hand slammed to his chest, fingers digging against his pale skin, almost clawing at himself in a desperate attempt to stop the stabs of agony ripping through his system like lightning.
Stop. Stop. Stop. He could taste the tang of copper on his tongue, the spatter of blood on the pillow plunged panic into his heart. A wild attempt to channel chakra he didn't have into his fingertips almost ripped out a cry of agony from his throat, but it was drowned out by the loud crack of the fusuma door being wrenched open.
He didn't hear it.
His vision tunnelled to spots of red and bursts of white flaring in and out of darkness. He could feel unconsciousness trying to pull him in one direction and pain in the other.
Stop… Then there was another sensation; right on the periphery of this terrifying chaos.
It felt like hands on his shoulders…tugging him back against the support of a body…
Fingers carving through his hair…the scent of nicotine…and words fanning out in a soft mantra against his ear…
"Breathe, Neji…breathe…breathe…"
