Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse

Chapter 9: Dead Bodies Everywhere

"All right, it's shopping time, 'ttebane!" called Kushina, banging on the door of Naruto's room, startling the two naked teenagers inside awake and making them fall out of bed. "Get your butts out here, and make sure they're fully clothed!"

"Whereza cannon?" yelled Naruto sleepily, thrashing around.

"Not a cannon," Sasuke mumbled, "your mom."

"Don't talk 'bout my momma, bitch," Naruto said, grinning. "Agh!" he spluttered as Sasuke hit him in the face with the pillow. "God, you're so pissy when you wake up, 'ttebayo. Do we need to start having morning sex?"

"No," said the raven, "because then I won't be able to move without discomfort for the rest of the day and I'll be even more pissy. I hope you realize that before we became boyfriends five days ago I had never had real sex before, and as such I still have yet to fully adjust to having something as big as your dick shoved up my ass. Now where's a clean pair of pants?"

"It should be somewhere in my closet, temee," smirked the blond. "Whaddya define as real sex?"

"Having your brains fucked out by your significant other, dobe," sneered his boyfriend. "What's your definition?"

"About the same," said Naruto grinning. "Just add whips and chains and maybe a blindfold."

"Holy shit," said Sasuke, externally wincing but inwardly shuddering with orgasmic pleasure at the idea. "Remind me not to do anything that might provoke something that painful."

He got up, wincing slightly again, walked over to the closet and started rifling through the clothes, which were all heaped in a pile on the floor, for a clean pair of jeans, fully aware of Naruto's eyes roving hungrily over his bare behind. He smirked.

"Is there something about my ass that you find intriguing, sweetie?" he purred.

"I'm just trying to imagine myself in it," replied Naruto, grinning pervertedly. The raven-haired teenager rolled his eyes at his boyfriend's lame sexual innuendo and dragged on underwear and a pair of dark gray skinny jeans that were only slightly too big on him. Naruto whistled at him, and he glared at the blond as he pulled on a plain black long sleeved shirt and black hoodie and rolled up the sleeves so his hands weren't hidden in the folds of the fabric.

"What, can't I appreciate your sexy, gorgeous, and all around amazing body when I see it in its full unadulterated glory?" Naruto said innocently, fluttering his eyelashes. "You look particularly ravishable in black. Ouch!" he snapped when Sasuke threw a shoe at him, which hit him in the face. "Stop throwing things at me, 'ttebayo!"

"You deserved that last one, for whistling at me and for saying such embarrassing things," rejoined the raven unapologetically.

"You know you like it," said Naruto huskily, walking up behind his boyfriend, putting his arms around his waist, and biting his neck and suckling it, letting his tongue piercing rub against the sensitive nape. Sasuke moaned loudly, and would have melted into the blond's arms if at that moment Naruto's mom hadn't come and kicked the door down.

"Naruto, get your clothes on!" she yelled, picking up the nearest thing –Naruto's lamp- and throwing it at him. The two boys had to separate and dive out of the way, and the lamp smashed on Naruto's chest of drawers.

"Mom, you could have killed us!" shrieked the blond, pointing angrily at her.

'"Whatever," snapped Kushina. "Sasuke-chan, make sure the little turd gets dressed!"

"I'm taller than either of you by at least half a foot, and you're still calling me a little turd?" said Naruto in disbelief. "I'm insulted, Mom!"

Kushina picked up Naruto's comb and threw it at him. He dodged.

"Stop throwing things at me!" the blond yelled angrily. "I'm getting dressed already!"

Sasuke wondered, again, why this family couldn't be more normal.

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"It's about time you showed up," said Naruko casually when the two boys finally got downstairs. "I heard a lot of yelling and stuff being thrown. Naruto, is that a shoe mark on your face?"

"Yes," said her twin, feeling his face and wincing. "How'd you guess?"

"Did someone step on it?"

"No, Sasuke threw a shoe at me. Did I mention that he has really good aim?"

"Good job, Sasuke-chan!" cheered the blonde. "Naruto needs a shoe in the face every once in a while… He forgets that he can be an asshole."

The raven snorted.

"He whistled at me. And why 'Sasuke-chan'?"

"Because you sound like a girl when I screw you, and you're the more effeminate one in the relationship, 'ttebayo," offered Naruto.

Sasuke hit him.

"Naruto," said Naruko disapprovingly. "Girls don't appreciate it when boys whistle at them; why would other boys appreciate it? Especially a boy that has earned the illustrious title of Honorary Girl."

Naruto laughed a little.

"'Honorary Girl' is a very accurate description," he said smirking.

"And then he bit my neck," griped the raven, rubbing the growing hickey and pointedly ignoring the twins' jibes at his acute lack of masculinity. "Hard."

Naruko looked at her brother sternly.

"Naruto?"

"I promise I'll play nice with the other children, Mother," said Naruto cheekily, with a wink at his boyfriend, who rolled his eyes, and then ducked as his sister grabbed the nearest small object –a hairbrush- and threw it at his head. "Not you too. It's bad enough having two people throw things at me."

"Just be glad I don't have my bow and arrows in hand yet," warned Naruko with a smirk, heading for the garage.

"I've shot a bow and arrow maybe twice in the course of my life," said Sasuke, "and it's not my weapon of choice."

"Naruko's the captain of the archery team at her school," said Naruto. "She's pretty damn good with a bow and arrow. She was actually good at it before she joined the archery team… I remember when we were ten I pissed her off and she shot me in the foot while I was trying to get away from her." The blond winced. "It still hurts when I think about it."

Sasuke snorted. "Serves you right…"

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Just for that, when we get back I'm gonna-"

"Don't wanna hear it!" shouted Kiba from the next room over, the kitchen. "La la la la la!"

"I felt my maturity level drop by ten points listening to him just now," muttered Naruto.

"I didn't know you had a maturity level," said Sasuke, raising his eyebrows in mock surprise.

Naruto growled and was about to jump his boyfriend, wrestle him down to the floor and do unspeakable pleasurable things to him when Kushina came out of the kitchen with a rifle slung over her shoulder.

"Come on, 'ttebane!" she snapped. "We're running out of food, so unless you want to go hungry tonight you'd better come help me get stuff to eat!"

"We'd better do it, or she'll go all Rambo up in here, 'ttebayo," murmured the blond. "Come on, temee…"

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"Wait, are we all going?" said Kiba when he saw the other ten people in the small group of survivors. "Is that necessary?"

"Yes, it's necessary," Naruto responded, "because if we're not able to make it back here tonight then we don't want anyone to be left behind wondering what happened to us. Now, since we have only enough room in the Hummer for eight people max, even if we squeeze in, Sasuke and I are taking my motorcycle. We can scout ahead for any undead and warn you. We're gonna try and make this a quick get in and get out shopping trip, since we have no idea if there're zombies in the supermarket. Got it?"

"Got it," everyone else said.

"Good. Now let's go kick some zombie ass!"

"Language, 'ttebane!" growled Kushina.

"Thanks for ruining my moment, Mom," groaned Naruto. "I was going for dramatic."

"You missed dramatic by a long shot, sweetie," Sasuke pointed out jokingly. "It ended up at cheesy."

The blond punched him lightly in the shoulder, smirking. "Shut up, temee."

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"Hey, where the hell are you?" snapped Kiba in Naruto's helmet, which was equipped with a headset.

"I'm up your ass, Inuzuka," the blond retorted sarcastically. He heard Sasuke's amused snort through the headset and felt his boyfriend's arms squeezing around his waist. "We're the recon, remember? We scout ahead."

"Well, we can't see you," said the brunet. "Where are you?"

The blond looked ahead for a landmark that Kiba would know.

"We're coming up on Ichiraku's Ramen," he said. "Holy shit, that's a lot of blood."

The door of the establishment hung open, almost torn off its hinges. There was congealed blood all over the glass and tracking out into the street. Naruto felt Sasuke starting to shake, even though the motorcycle was vibrating pretty hard, and squeezed the raven-haired teen's hand, rubbing it soothingly with his thumb.

"Just take a deep breath and look away, koishii," he said quietly.

"I'm right here, guys," said Kiba awkwardly. "Can you save the tender moments for when I'm not listening?"

"Can you suck on my chocolate-covered balls, 'ttebayo?" retorted Naruto. "Anyway, there's a convenience store another two kilometers from Ichiraku's, and another three kilometers after that is the grocery store. The advantage of the grocery store is that it has a pharmacy, so we should go there. Hopefully they won't be out of painkillers, sleep aids, and whatever other meds we need, or be out of canned food."

"Well, we can't really stop you, since you're so far ahead of us anyways," said the brunet, "so go on. We'll catch up."

"All right," said Naruto. "Now get off the headset."

"Why?" said Kiba. "So you and Uchiha can have headset sex?"

"Please, sweetie," said Sasuke, and Naruto heard the smirk in his voice, though he could still feel the raven-haired teenager trembling a little. "If we were going to do that we wouldn't bother to tell you to get off; we would just do it."

Naruto roared with laughter while Kiba gagged.

"You're a pervert, Uchiha," the brunet groaned. "I'm getting off before I projectile vomit all over this car." The click over the headset told the couple that he had made good on his last statement.

"Really, Sasuke?" snickered Naruto, pushing up his visor to wipe tears of mirth out of his eyes. "Way to get rid of him."

"No problem," came his boyfriend's voice, sounding like the raven-haired teen was trying not to laugh. "'Chocolate-covered balls?' Really, Naruto?"

"Shut up, 'ttebayo," said Naruto, grinning.

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When they got to the supermarket there was barely anything in the parking lot. The scene put Sasuke in mind of one of those spaghetti westerns where the two cowboys were about to face off, minus the fact that Japan didn't have tumbleweeds, cacti, or deserts. The only things in the parking lot besides the two boys on the motorcycle were a few overturned shopping carts, and a lone Mitsubishi in which a nearly naked bloated female member of the undead horde scratched at the driver's side window.

"If I were a straight guy I'd want me some of that," joked Naruto, trying to affect a light tone as he parked the motorcycle. His boyfriend wasn't fooled; he saw the blond's hands shaking slightly as he grabbed a sniper rifle from the back of the motorbike and turned off the safety and saw a slightly green tint in his skin. Still, he played along to keep the blond calm.

"Hey, mildly offended boyfriend right here," he said in a mock indignant tone, elbowing Naruto.

Said blond rolled his eyes and grinned.

"Trust me, Sasuke; you know I love you more than anything. No one could ever replace you in my heart," he said gently, and the raven smiled a genuine smile, something extremely rare for him -at least before Naruto came along- even as a light blush spread across his pale face. He squeezed Naruto's hand.

"Come on," he said softly, walking toward the store.

As they neared, Naruto thought he saw shapes moving inside, and he pointed it out to Sasuke.

"Get ready," he said quietly, training his gun on the door.

Pushing the door open cautiously, the teens entered the store, weapons at the ready, on the lookout for any zombies.

"Fuck!" Naruto shouted suddenly, clutching his shoulder. When he took it away, there was blood on it and on his shirt. "Sonofabitch… Don't shoot, we're alive!" he called, training his gun on the area from whence the bullet had come.

After a minute, a tall muscular man came out from behind a shelf, still with a gun trained on Naruto. For a tense moment they sized each other up, and then lowered their weapons. Sasuke sighed in relief.

"Are you guys done chest-thumping and showing off your exorbitant testosterone levels?" he asked irritably, walking down the nearest aisle, which happened to be medical supplies, and grabbing a bunch of bandages and generic meds. "We have more important shit to do this side of the jungle, Tarzan."

Both Naruto and the other guy looked at him incredulously, and he heard a snort from behind the shelf where the man had come out. Two other people came to join the large man: a guy with white hair and sharpened teeth, and a girl with shockingly red hair, red eyes, and glasses. Naruto eyed the newcomers warily.

"I've never seen you around town before, 'ttebayo," he said, "and I know almost everyone who lives here."

"Yeah, well, we got here a few days ago," said the tall guy. "We've been trying to find other survivors to hook up with, but we got waylaid by all the walkers and took refuge in here. We used to live in a house on the rural outskirts of Konoha."

Naruto wasn't completely convinced, but he put his doubt aside and put the safety lock on. Sasuke came back and wound the bandages around the blond's arm, tying it off tightly.

"Well, it's good to see that someone besides us and the people with us survived," the blond said. "I'm Naruto, and this is Sasuke-chan. What about you? Ouch!"

"I am not a girl," snarled his boyfriend.

"I dunno," quipped Naruto, "you sounded pretty girlish when we were putting tab A in slot B last night. OWW!"

"Don't pay attention to him," the raven-haired teenager said coolly to the three onlookers, whose jaws had dropped. "We go over this all the time."

"Just for that," muttered Naruto, clutching his injured balls, "I won't have sex with you for the foreseeable future." As was his intent, only Sasuke heard him.

"You wouldn't be able to anyhow," retorted the raven in a hushed tone.

"Riiiight. I'm Juugo," replied the large man, "and this is Karin" –he indicated the red-haired bespectacled girl, who was trying to stem a nosebleed at the sight of the two incredibly hot boys who had just been fighting with each other in front of her- "and Suigetsu." The white-haired boy waved his hand lazily. "You said that there are other survivors with you?"

"Yeah," said Naruto, "they should be here any minute."

The screeching of tires was the only warning they had before the front end of the Humvee crashed through the glass store front, forcing them to dive out of the way. Karin screamed loudly, and Sasuke dragged Naruto backward down the aisle. The blond was cursing like a sailor.

"Son of a motherfucking shit-eating bitch, you could've killed us, you dickheads!" he yelled as the car doors opened. "Whoever was behind that wheel I swear to fucking God I'm gonna kill 'em and then shoot 'em again when they re-fucking-animate, 'ttebayo!"

"I dunno where you got that language, 'ttebane," shouted his mother angrily as she hopped out, "but you need to can it!"

"Sorry, Naruto," said Kyuubi sheepishly, hopping out of the driver's side. "I didn't mean to- OUCH OUCH OUCH GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME YOU PSYCHOTIC LITTLE MONKEY!" he yelled as Naruto leaped on him and started pistol-whipping him anywhere he could reach that wasn't his face.

"ALMOST KILLED BY MY OWN BROTHER!" roared the blond. "I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL TAKE YOUR BABY-MAKER, CUT IT OFF, AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS ALONG WITH MY FOOT, 'TTEBAYO!"

"He's going to kill him!" shrieked Sayuri hysterically. "Do something!"

Sasuke started to go over to pull Naruto off of his brother, but then suddenly Naruto and Kyuubi were three feet away from each other as Juugo pulled them apart.

"Come on, guys," he said softly, "fighting's not going to help anyone. Besides, we've got unwelcome company."

He was right; the combined noise of the Hummer and Naruto and Kyuubi's yelling and fighting had brought nearby zombies, and they were tromping through the parking lot, moaning their predatory moan. Sasuke facepalmed.

"You idiots!" he snarled at the two brothers, who backed away quickly, trying to get away from the anger radiating off of him. Two feet away from him, Naruko had the same murderous look on her face.

"If we survive this, I'm going to kill you immature assholes," she snapped. "Get outta the way, Gaara!" she added as she knocked an arrow and let it fly, hitting one of the closer zombies in the center if its forehead, dropping it immediately.

"Where did my children learn such foul language, 'ttebane?" moaned Kushina. "Am I a bad parent?"

"Less talking, Mom," said the blonde girl, "and more zombie-killing."

"Forget that," said Sasuke, "just get back in the car; we can run them over!"

"Touché," Naruko conceded, shooting another zombie through the eyeball. "Everyone in the car!"

"Ne, what about Naruto's motorcycle?" Sasaki called over the din. "And what about that minivan that we saw in the parking lot?"

"We'll go over there, but get in the Hummer!" screamed the blonde-haired girl, and everyone raced for the Hummer and dived in, slamming the doors shut.

"Floor it, 'ttebayo!" Naruto yelled at Kyuubi.

"I figured as much, 'ttedana!" snarled his older brother, putting the car in reverse and stomping on the gas pedal. There was a satisfying crunch and splatter as they crushed walkers below the large SUV's treads.

"Uh, just so you know," said Naruto, "when we arrived there was a zombie in the minivan, and unless she was able to unbuckle herself and open the car door, which I doubt, she's still there. And she's mostly naked."

"No minivan, got it," said Gaara emotionlessly.

"Ew," said Kiba, becoming a pale shade of green.

"I thought you liked naked women, Kiba," Naruto said, smirking.

"I'm not screwing maggoty pussy!" said the brunet. "I'd rather turn gay or join a Buddhist monastery than tap that!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"We could arrange for you to join the Buddhist monastery easily," he said. " And you don't turn gay; you're born gay."

"I can see that," Kiba joked. "I mean, who would choose to be gay when there's so much major boobage out there?"

Naruto and Sasuke both eyed him with disgust. He looked at the couple and sighed.

"C'mon, guys, are you telling me that neither of you have any desire whatsoever to tap pussy or jerk off to the foldout page in the latest edition of Playboy?"

"Never have, never will," they chorused, linking hands.

"The crush I had on Haruno Sakura in fifth through seventh grade can be chalked up to temporary insanity and not having hit puberty yet," said Naruto. "I can't believe I ever had a crush on someone like that. Once the hormones took over it was all dicks. So yeah, making sweet love to Sasuke is the closest I will ever get to having sex with a girl."

Sasuke hit him hard, and the blond yelped, glaring at his boyfriend.

"Hey, we're coming up on your motor bike, Naruto," said Naruko. "We're going to stop, and you need to get out quickly. Good luck!" she yelled as the car stopped and Sasuke and Naruto jumped out and ran.

"We're gonna need it, 'ttebayo!" Naruto yelled back. He jumped on the front, Sasuke jumped on behind him, and they were off faster than anyone could blink.

"I've never seen Naruto move so fast," said Kyuubi, impressed.

"Well now you have," said Kiba, grinning like a madman. "I bet he and Uchiha are trying to get back home so they can have sex before we get back and hear it."

"Uh, dude, why're you so obsessed with what Sasuke and Naruto do in bed?" asked Sasaki. "Did you get dropped on your head as a kid or something?"

"He's secretly gay too," joked Kyuubi. "He's jealous because he wants some of the action, but he can't get it because Sasuke and Naruto don't share."

"As if, you pervert," snarled Kiba.

"You're so troublesome, Inuzuka," came Shikamaru's voice from the back, sounding a bit squished because Juugo was on top of him.

Karin's jaw fell open in shock.

"You mean, the hot guy with the dark hair that sticks up in the back… is gay! And taken! By Blondie!" She began to cry. "No fair; all the hot ones are either gay, taken, or both!"

Naruko sweatdropped, but the thoughts in her mind were quickly driven out as she watched Naruto make a wrong turn; he didn't turn back the way they'd come, but the opposite way. She snarled.

"What the hell is that moron doing!" she yelled. "Kiba, give me the headset!" Wrenching it out of his hands, she jammed it on her head and turned it on.

"Naruto, where the hell d'you think you're going!" she shrieked.

"Whaddya mean where the hell do I think I'm going!" her twin brother shouted back. "Anyone with working eyes should be able to look down the street and figure out what I'm doing pretty damn quickly, 'ttebayo!"

"I don't see wha- HOLY SHIT!" Naruko cried.

Coming from the direction that they had taken to get to the grocery store was an army of the undead. There were so many of them that they formed an almost solid wall. Naruko gulped.

"All right, point taken," she said shakily. "What's plan B?"

"My place," Sasuke cut in. "The main entrance of the Uchiha compound is only a few blocks away; it shouldn't be difficult to get to it if there aren't too many obstacles."

"Your family has its own compound?" said Naruko faintly. "How many of you are there!"

"A shitload," replied the raven-haired teenager sardonically. "It does make for easy travelling at family reunion time…"

The twins snickered.

"Our little Sasuke-chan is learning how to crack jokes that are actually funny!" Naruto laughed. "Ouch!" he added.

"What did he do?" asked Naruko.

"The bastard punched me in the head, 'ttebayo!" Naruto groaned comically.

"If you don't like it then stop making fun of me and calling me 'Sasuke-chan'," said Sasuke unapologetically. "Turn right," he added.

"Hey, what's the address?" said Naruko on a prompt from Kyuubi, who'd been listening closely to the banter.

"It's 198 Kohaku Road. Left, dobe."

Naruko relayed the info to Kyuubi, who wrote it down and handed it to Kushina. The red-haired woman began plugging the information into the GPS. In a few seconds the location popped up. Naruko gasped.

"This place?" she said in shock.

"Uhm, yeah," said Sasuke bemusedly, "if by 'this place' you are referring to the place where I live with the rest of my immediate and extended family. Why?"

"I'm dating a boy named Sai who lives there! He goes to an exclusive private boy's school in Kyoto! Of course, I haven't met his parents yet…"

Everyone in the car heard an audible groan from both boys.

"What?" snapped Naruko.

"That's my asshole cousin," explained Sasuke.

"By asshole he means major asshole," Naruto put in. "Like, if Sasuke's got a tree up his ass, this guy's got the fucking Empire State Building up his. Ouch!"

"Stop alluding to the tree that is supposedly up my ass or I won't let you remove it tonight and put something more pleasurable up there," snapped his boyfriend.

"Come on, no sexual innuendoes or flirting while we're running for our lives, and lay off my boyfriend HOLY SHIT KYUUBI!" screamed Naruko as Kyuubi floored the gas pedal, nearly throwing her through the windshield.

"Right turn on Main Street," said the female GPS in a bland voice.

"KYUUBI I'M GONNA KILL YOU!" Naruko shrieked angrily.

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Yeah, um hi. I've been kinda busy lately, so I haven't had the time I usually do to post chapters, hence why this one is coming a week later than I had hoped... Did I ever tell anyone how much I hate getting set up for college? All the books to buy, and people to meet with, and student orientations... Ugh.

I think it's funny how even though it was so obvious that Sasuke was taken Karin was still shocked. She really is a dumb bitch who needs to get shot. I hate her so fucking much. Although I had quite a good laugh at her expense when I finished reading chapter 574. Seriously, she's that obsessed over a guy who tried to kill her? Even Sakura is smarter than that, and I hate Sakura! If Sakura's dumb, then Karin's dumber. No, screw that, she's pathetic.

Anyways, review, and please stay tuned for chapter ten! The big old one-oh! Yeah!

Karin: 8D SASUKE-KUUUUUUUUUUUUN!

Me: O.o …What the fuck?

Naruto: 0.0 Who let her in?

Sasuke: -.- Great, now I won't get a moment of peace.

Me: :) Oh, I dunno about that. I think we can arrange for you to get your Zen back, if ever you had any to begin with.

Sasuke: o.o How?

Me: -Throws Karin off of a cliff- Taa-daa! 8)

Sasuke: -_- That wasn't the solution I would have used…

Me: -_- No, you Chidori-ed her through the heart the last time you two were together in the same vicinity. I actually applaud you for that, and I only wish Sakura had let the whiny stupid obsessed little bitch die.

Naruto: ^.^ Why do you hate Karin so much?

Me: :( She gives a bad name to women everywhere. She's a complete slut. And it's quite obvious that Sasuke isn't interested in her, but she still insists on hanging off of him.

Sasuke: o.O Wow, tell us how you really feel, why don't you? And since you put it that way, I kind of wish Sakura had let Karin die.

Me: I'm glad you see it my way. Review! :D