It Takes an Army

Title: It Takes an Army

Author: The Yaoi Fairie

Description: We all assume that if Sauske ever revives his clan, he will do so AFTER killing Itachi. But what if he figures out that if he gets going early enough, he will eventually have several able-bodied Uchihas to team up with to defeat the clan's formidable foe?Warnings: Crack, I guess? I think it's funny. I wrote it in 15 minutes, so if you don't like it, please don't let that prevent you from experimenting with my other fics! Each one is schizophrenically different...

A/N: Wow, I wrote this months ago, and just after posting it, I read "Sasuke the Asexual" (which, by the way, is even funnier than this one! XD You must go read it!), and I don't want anyone thinking that I copied because Sasuke's rambling in first person for a very short fic. I really did come up with this on my own months ago. I can only wish it was as funny as "Sasuke the Asexual!" Bwah!

Anyway, I wrote this whole thing at one time in about maybe 15 minutes. It is not very good, but it is short and somewhat original. I offer it to you not because it is good, but because it's the only thing I've completed in forever.

Disclaimer: Kishimoto Masashi stole my breakfast cereal.

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Okay, my story spans a long period of time, so I'm going to go fast.

My family name is Uchiha. My clan has a bloodline limit giving members eyes capable of copying techniques and delivering powerful mind-control jutsus. Uchihas have the tendency to become the best ninja around.

When I was 7, my brother Itachi killed everyone but himself and me.

You have to understand how insanely strong this guy was. Uchihas are tough guys, fast guys, and it's not like this is some stranger with unknown surprise attacks- all of them knew him, lived with him, watched him grow up, and still they couldn't do ape shit against him.

But you see, this guy was pretty nuts-- I guess you already figured that out with him killing his entire family-- and even as he killed them, the fucker KNEW he's going to be be fucking guilty about it for the rest of his life, so he left me behind, poor traumatized scrawny little 7-year-old me, to eventually avenge him.

Is this guy stupid or something? He wipes out a good five dozen Uchiha in one go and then he expects his stupid little brother to be able to take him on single-handed? Fuck that shit!

And then I have to go on and revive the whole clan by myself! Do you have any idea what sort of genetic problems will rise out of one couple restarting an entire bloodline? Incest would be a necessary part of it growing beyond my sons and daughters.

Would you believe I was 15 before I put it together and figured out the obvious solution to all my problems?

It IS obvious, isn't it?

All those girls trying to get into my pants, it was too easy.

All I needed to do was revive my clan FIRST-- revive it with a vengeance, to numbers higher than my old family-- and THEN there would be enough of us to take that fucker down!

It didn't bode well for my reputation. Five people had to die horribly before the townspeople learned not to call me man-slut.

But anyway, long story short, I fucked like a rabbit on crack for three solid years until I'd done almost every girl in my grade and a whole bunch out of it and got a good 52 of them knocked up.

It was exhausting!

Everyone I tell this story to tells me they wish they were in my shoes, or rather my bed, but god damn, no, it gets tedious, and painful, and exhausting, and if I so much as smell another vagina I think I'll hurl.

Not that there's anything sexually wrong with me now. Not at all. Everything is still in perfect working order, thank you very much. But BACK TO THE STORY...

I didn't quite forsee the problems of taking care of 53 babies (one extra kid because there were three sets of twins, one set of triplets, and six that didn't make it), which made things very interesting when the suckers started popping out.

I mean, I'd thought about where I'd put them all, namely the conveniently unoccupied houses of the Uchiha district, but it never really occurred to me how much TIME each baby needs devoted to it. You can't just put a baby in a crib, spend three minutes twice a day feeding it and then change it once a day, spending at most 10 minutes a baby, 53 babies, that's only an hour a day but it seemed to take more like six. I tried. My clan went down to 46 before I decided to look for help.

Fortunately, finding help was easy. Turns out all I had to do was stop chasing those bitches off the Uchiha property and they took care of the babies all by themselves.

About ten years and 85 Uchihas later, Itachi showed up to check on me. He didn't register the rebuilt Uchiha district as being family property anymore- we had to put up apartment buildings to handle all the kids- and failed to realize that the 109 (Kids die. It happens.) brats swarming the place were the vengeful fruits of my vengeful loins.

So this guy, who, by the way, had changed too much in appearance to trigger my kids' embedded hypnotic trigger to attack him on sight, used whatever fraternal sense he had in his head to blunder his way through these little killing machines and arrive at my home.

Yeah, my brother was pretty dumb, but then you also have to stop and realize that this entire district's worst enemy walked right through them, even stopped to ask for directions once, and not a single one stopped him.

So anyway, he knocked and I answered the door.

At this time, by the way, I was 29 and he was 33.

At this time, I was also in the middle of sex with three girls at once and was insanely happy to have some kind of interruption.

So I grinned at him stupidly, and he put on this menacing air, and long story short, the three bitches I was having sex with tore him limb from limb for interrupting us.

Well, then he was dead and I didn't have to make babies to kill him anymore, so I offed the whole fucking lot of them and their mothers too and relaxed with a nice cup of tea and that's why I'm here in jail for the next 15 years.

The End!