Closet Case, Or the Case of the Closet, Whichever

Closet Case… or the Case of the Closet, which ever.

By Smurf-chan

For UchihaShi whom inspires much lusty-badness in me.

Disclaimer: I own none of the trademarks, copyrights, characters, etc pertaining to Naruto.

Here begins the fic... I hope you enjoy!


Ebisu, as we all know, is a closet pervert, having been dubbed so by everyone’s favorite, blonde haired, blue eyed, Kyuubi container. Though at the time, dear little Naruto had no clue as to how accurate a description that actually was.

Shisui is also a closet pervert. However, this is only in the minds of Dead Uchiha, and Smurf, who write him into pervy closet situations all the time, simply for their own amusement.

Ibiki is not a closet pervert. He has never been a closet pervert, and aside from one serialhugger fic, in which he was Mary-Sued (sort of), and a rather yummy piece of Fan Art featuring himself and Asuma (he’s fairly certain that Kurenai and Anko were behind that one) he hadn’t gotten enough play to even be considered for the title of pervert in training.

This is the tale of all three men, and their closets.

Ebisu’s closet was orderly. That was to say that it was organized, and clean, and it even had that new car smell (how he got that smell in there is another story all together). But at the bottom of Ebisu’s closet, in a blue shoe box there was something that didn’t quite belong.

Inside that blue shoebox, there were pictures, and not just any old pictures. These were secret pictures. They weren’t all that risqué, nothing like the photos Jiraiya enjoyed, or the ones that could be found in Kakashi’s porn collection, but they were dangerous in the sense that if anyone ever found out that he had them, he would be even more of a target for harassment than he was already.

If any one ever found out that he had stashed away photos of his long time crush in the bottom of his closet, he would be utterly humiliated! The entire population of Konoha, and quite possibly a few other villages would have license to tease him about his disturbingly fan-girlish behavior for the rest of his life. Even though his life expectancy as a ninja wasn’t all that long, it would still be more than long enough to make him uncomfortable.

So, it was a good thing that nobody ever looked in his closet. It was an even better thing, that nobody suspected his fan-boy tendencies. It was the best that his infatuation with Ibiki remained his dirty little secret.


Ibiki’s closet was orderly. Meaning that it was exceptionally bare. He didn’t use his closet for much, as he preferred to keep his things in the chest of drawers that stood against the wall of his bedroom. Though the closet wasn’t completely empty; no, it had, hanging in it, a few spare uniforms, and his best yukata, the one he’d gotten in hopes of… well, why he had spent so much on the thing is his business and his secret to keep. Lets not linger on it any longer.

Ibiki has not one, but two closets. And it is this second closet that is of importance to this tangled tale. This second closet isn’t exactly his. But it is in the room where he works, and he is the only one who ever really uses it with the exception of Anko when she feels like actually hanging up that coat of hers, or Asuma and Kurenai when they start to get a little antsy and are in need of a darkened corner. In that sense it does belong to him, but in reality it is a public closet. The public to whom it belongs being the shinobi and kunoichi of Konoha, specifically those of Chuunin rank or higher.

Ibiki liked his closets. He liked them a lot. They reminded him of someone, even if that person probably wouldn’t like the fact that closets were now a reminder of him. Sometimes, when he was sitting at the desk on the other side of the room, doing paperwork, or going over notes from interrogations past, he would catch sight of the closet out of the corner of his eye, and he would smile.

Who cared that everyone thought he was smiling over some new method of mental torture he had concocted? Who cared if when the newer ninja on staff saw him smile they got nervous and took several steps back? It was his closet, and he could smile at it if he wanted to.


Shisui’s closet was only termed ‘Shisui’s Closet’ due to the amount of time he spends inside of it. It was actually the hall closet in The House Of Dead Uchiha, where several life-challenged Uchiha’s, the former Yellow Flash of Konoha, Sasori, and one very live Chuunin named Kotetsu resided. Still, it’s a very special closet.

Shisui loved to spend time in his closet. It was where he molested his older/younger dead relative Obito for the first time (as well as several times afterwards). It was where he had gotten Mary-Sued. It was where he went to sulk. But, the best thing about his closet was the peephole.

Yes, Shisui’s closet had a magical little peephole that allowed him to see into the closets of the living. Now, one wouldn’t think that would be all that exciting, but it is. More things happen in closets than one would expect. For example, he had used his magical peephole to watch Konoha’s youth play seven minutes in heaven and other such games that required being locked in a closet with someone else. He also had a front row seat to Asuma and Kurenai’s closet antics. He knew Ebisu’s secret… he’d seen the photographs, and though they weren’t porn, they were provocative in their own way. He also knew why Ibiki had bought that yukata- once again that is a story for another day.

So, when Shisui shut himself away in his closet for the day, hoping to see something that would help alleviate his Mary-Sue withdrawal, and instead found himself viewing the public closet most often frequented by Asuma and Kurenai, he was a little surprised. He wasn’t shocked to see that the closet was in use. But instead he was shocked by who was using it. Though… it was rather entertaining.


Ebisu was in the closet, quite literally as a matter of fact. The Jounin had ventured into one of the many public closets in the interrogations complex. Why he was in the interrogations complex in the first place is beside the point, the only thing relative to this tale is the reason why he was in the closet, and the reason why he had gone into the closet was a rather simple one. He had lent something to Kurenai, and she apparently had lost it.

Ebisu figured that she had probably dropped it at some point during the day, and was now retracing her steps, or some of them at any rate. Kurenai had agreed to search the training area, and her home, while he had agreed to check the Mission Office and a few other buildings his former teammate had visited that day… the closet just happened to be one of the areas he was searching.

Ibiki was an expert in torture. It was his job after all, but the things going on in that closet were enough to break even him. From the noises emanating from the closet he had assumed that Asuma had once again managed to corner Kurenai, because no rat was big enough to rustle and bump that many boxes, brooms, and so on and so forth.

Still, he was a professional, and he had work to do, so he implemented all of his training and ignored the sounds issuing from ‘his’ closet. Or that is, he tried to ignore it, until there was a rather loud thump, followed by the words; “Itai! Damn it, Kurenai!”

Upon hearing this, Ibiki’s eyes widened (just a little bit), and his jaw dropped (ever so slightly). He knew that voice. Of all the Shinobi in Konoha, the one in the closet with Kurenai, it had to be Ebisu.

The large, scarred man stood from his desk, and made his way over to the closet fully intending to cause some damage. Flinging open the door he was faced with something quite unlike what he had expected. There, in the closet, on his hands and knees, body angled in a way so that his ass was up in the air, was Ebisu, but there was no Kurenai anywhere to be seen. For a long moment Ibiki stood there, completely agog at the scene before him.

Closing the door behind him, Ibiki knelt so that he was hovering over the smaller man. “What are you doing in my closet, Ebisu-san?” he asked, in a hushed tone, the old saying about opportunity knocking ringing in his ears as he did so.

At those words, Ebisu startled. His body jerked, so that his back was now flush against Ibiki’s front, and Ibiki responded by wrapping his arms around the closet pervert’s mid section, thusly drawing their two bodies closer together, while steadying them both; keeping them from tumbling backwards into the closed door.

Ebisu swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat. “I was… I-” What had he been doing? Ebisu couldn’t quite recall at that particular moment.

Ibiki smirked, he could tell that he had startled the man at first, but that wasn’t fear he was sensing on his comrade now. No, it was something far more exciting; it was attraction.

“Yes?” The disfigured interrogator practically purred in the smaller man’s ear, while moving his hands slowly so that they ran over Ebisu’s abdomen, only to dip under the hem of his shirt, and come in to contact with the flesh mere millimeters above the waistband of his pants. Ibiki’s efforts were rewarded with a small utterance from the other Jounin that sounded suspiciously like a squeak, and he continued to let his fingertips toy with the narrow strip of short, soft hair that ran from Ebisu’s bellybutton downward.

Feeling the smaller man quiver slightly, Ibiki continued to tease his fellow Jounin in to full arousal. Shifting, so that their bodies were in even closer contact that before, he made it easier for himself to lean forwards, and angle his head so that he could feather light kisses at Ebisu’s temple, neck, and all the spaces in-between, while simultaneously sitting the smaller dark-haired man firmly in his lap.

Closer! It was the only coherent thought that was running through Ibiki’s mind at that moment. There were too many clothes in his way. He was not happy about it. Deciding against using a kunai to get rid of the offending garments, Ibiki busied himself with removing them as quickly as he possibly could, using his hands.

More! It was the only intelligible thing that Ebisu could think at that moment. He found his own hands moving to help Ibiki with his task. After all, the other Jounin was right. There were simply too many clothes in the way. It was with this thought in mind that Ebisu found himself without pants, while Ibiki’s shirt was now being worn by a rather old looking mop.

The closet’s small size, though it limited their range of movement somewhat, didn’t hinder either man in their activities. Of course the two of them being ninja’s probably had something to do with the speed at which they had partially disrobed, and it more than likely had everything to do with why they had no qualms about their first time being in a supply closet- what with that whole live in the now attitude that was common amongst those in their profession.

Shisui sat in stunned silence as he observed the pair through his magical little peephole. Both men had managed to rid them selves of all sharp, pointy, potentially emasculating objects, as well as the majority of their clothing. That itself had been quite a feat given the lack of space in their closet. Then had come an even bigger shock.

Ibiki had managed to manipulate their positions so that they were face to face, or rather face to semi-erect penis, and began to perform an act of fellatio that even Genma and his talented tongue would be hard pressed to recreate. Said act coaxed many an animalistic verbalization from the man Naruto had dubbed the ‘closet pervert’.

The dead Uchiha- not to be confused with the fanfic writer Dead Uchiha- knew that he should look away, or get out of his comfy closet, or change the frequency, or something… but he couldn’t; such was the strange and captivating power of this particular bout of closet shenanigans. He continued to watch in amazement as the two men managed to contort their bodies, while further disrobing, in ways he had previously only seen executed by seasoned circus professionals.

Outside the closet, two women who looked extremely pleased with one another toasted each other with coffee from the office’s French-press. If the noises coming from inside that closet were any indicator, then their matchmaking mission had been a complete success. And it was about damned time too!

From where they stood they could quite clearly hear most things that were going on inside the cramped little space. One utterance had caused Anko to spit a mouthful of coffee all over Kurenai, who had been too shocked to react to the scalding beverage soaking through her dress.

“D-do you really think that what Ebisu-san was… I mean- do you think Ibiki-san can really… Are those things even possible?” Kurenai asked, eyes still wide.

Smirking, Anko shrugged, “Don’t know; want to peek and find out?”

Kurenai put down her coffee and shook her head, “I think we should report to Tsunade now… besides, she has that crystal ball.”

Anko’s smirk intensified, and the two women headed to the Hokage’s office, where they would give their latest mission report in person.

Inside the closet the two Jounin continued with their activities completely unaware that they were being watched.
Shisui was, for once, glad that his cousin had murdered him, because lets face it dying of a nosebleed would have been embarrassing! His sleeve was already wet with the red sticky substance flowing freely from his face.

Kami, where did they get such stamina? Surely it couldn’t simply be all of their ninja training.

Meanwhile back outside the closet, a certain Gennin team was in search of their instructor. Being the innocent children that they were, and their sensei being who he was, they didn’t expect to see anything bad when they opened the closet door to investigate why their sensei was praying inside of the small compartment.

“Oh… nnngh- Ibiki! Aaahhhh… Kami! Yessss! Ooooh- ugh! Harder!” What sort of a weird prayer was that? And… what was that other Jounin doing to their beloved (well okay not exactly beloved) Ebisu-sensei?

It was Moegi who snapped out of her shock induced stupor first. She of course put two and two together, and got a goofy smile on her young face before crying out, “Kyaa! Yaoi!” and giggling like a fan-girl.

Everything stopped. Both men became very still, before bursting into a flash of movements attempting to grab up their clothes and cover themselves. Ebisu wound up with two shirts, while Ibiki wound up with both sets of pants.

“This uh- isn’t what it looks like!” Ebisu laughed nervously. He really didn’t want to deal with two sets of furious parents, and a supremely pissed off Hokage… not to mention the Hokage’s assistant.

“But sensei,” Moegi was slightly flushed in the face, “I saw it! That was way better than any of my cousins doujin-”

“No, no, you see, Moegi… I was just…” Ebisu looked to Ibiki for help. Ibiki however was finding that not even his meanest glare was having any effect on the young yaoi lover of a kuniochi. “I was helping Ibiki-san. Yes. That’s it. I was helping him!”

“Helping him what?” asked Udon, while Konohamaru looked at his teacher suspiciously.

“Ibiki-san is an interrogator.” Ebisu said as if it were the answer to everything.

“Yeah, so?” Konohamaru spoke this time.

“Well, as an interrogator he has to know all about torture. Uh-huh, yes, that’s it. And He- I was just helping him perfect his new technique. He needed someone to test it on, and clones are no good, so he used me instead. Yes. Yes, that’s what we were doing.”

“You were helping Ibiki-san perfect a torture technique?” Udon asked, quirking an eyebrow as he did so.

Ebisu nodded fervently. “Yes. That’s what I was doing.”

“Uh… O-okay then. We’ll meet you for training-”

“Tomorrow. Nine o’clock in the morning, at our regular meeting place.” Their still flushed sensei finished. The two boys left the room dragging a still less than convinced, and blushing Moegi behind them.

“Torture technique?” Ibiki cast a sideways glance at Ebisu.

“Uh-huh,” the smaller man smirked before drawing Ibiki back into the closet to resume their prior activities. This time he used a jutsu to lock the door from the inside.

Twenty minutes later, Konohamaru sat next to Uzumaki Naruto, and Umino Iruka at the ramen stand.

“Hey, boss.” The younger teen greeted his blonde friend, “You know, you have it all wrong about Ebisu-sensei. He isn’t a closet pervert, he was just helping that scary interrogator guy.”

The end!