Kakashi's Killer Girlfriend

This is a story written in delireium and only for those with a sense of humour. If you are not crazy or don't like to laugh you should not read. This is dedication to AngelCry for stroking my cock everytime I couldn't get it up and perhaps to my lover who is my Kakashi, that is if that said person should be my Kakashi tomorrow if they are not, then they get no dedication...

I own Naruto for I am Naruto. If I am not then I don't own Naruto. I'm DirtyD. Understand?

Kakashi's Killer Girlfriend


Staring at the gates of the once proud and thriving village of Konoha he held no remorse or care for the destruction that hit here, at the place he once called home, scant months ago. Just a small amount of distain for allowing so easily the snake sannin an opportunity to attack. Sand and Fire both fell to the charade. As a ninja himself he was appalled even if it was barely twinge of emotion within him. With a shuffle of his attire he decided this time he'd go for a less direct approach. If he was to visit the city again in the future he would have to make his presence less noticable as waltzing through the gate kocking out the inept guards everytime, he would wait for night to settle.

Leaping up into a tree he looked out to the horzian as the golden hue bled to red with an amber glaze in between. The clouds looked majestic as purple night blended with the glowing fire of day. It was odd that he never noticed before how much the setting sun looked like sherbet ice cream... He turned his back to the beautiful vision when the image cause unwanted thoughts of peotry and food products. The drawback to being a genius was that your mind was always at work.

Crossing his arms over his chest the young man stood still as a stone wall though his feet ached slightly from the long journey here. It would take more than tired feet for him to lean against the hard bark of a tree, something like a giant hole in his chest. All weakness must be weeded out in order for the strong flower to survive. His unseen lips turned down in displeasure when the moment of obscure peotry struck him, it really annoyed him. At times, made him question just how sane he was to compare cold flowing blood on a cadaver to a beautiful asian bride dressed in crimson silk as it danced and swayed over her body.

Overlooking the newly built walls of Konoha the uninvited vistor stared long and hard freely his mind in a almost zen like state. Though many believe he was trying to refine the art of killing with a glare alone, particularly his comrade in arms who commented on it quite frenquently with his unwanted jibes. He was merely concentrating and training his face to never show emotion. Ninjas must be proficient in everything they do. If your posing as a gardener or prositute for a mission you better know how to work a hoe and as one.

Patience was also a very important and vital trait to a ninja. If you couldn't sit in mud during a rainstorm for seventy-two hours with only corpses to keep you company you can't handle being a ninja. Then again he couldn't stand five minutes in a room crowded with busty women tripping over themselves and slitting eachother's throats to get to him. On another note if they were actually killing each other that would be fun to watch. Like ending two lives with one shuriken, the world would be rid of brain damaged women and he'd get to watch hardcore brutality.

Yet as unamusing as standing still in a tree while looking at a wall was, boredom was slowly creeping up on him. His mission here was already out of the ordinary and he wanted to complete it as quickly as possible. This particular objective he would recieve no back up, he would be surrounded by countless enemy ninjas who if detected him would stop at nothing to see that he looked like a bride in a red dress, death would be his reward. Of course should he succeed he would recieve a payment much better than money and he didn't plan on things going any other way. Still he was fast becoming anxious, this mission was a personal vendetta and as such made it hard to part emotions from duty.

What the hell, it's not like he was going to die anyway, like these puny mortals would defeat him. Jumping out of the tree he smiled most sadistically having waited all of seven minutes before infiltrating the village. Two guards stationed at the entrance, no four more were hiding up in the walls. Six enimies in the immediate area. Now to get inside he would need to figure out a masterful plan...

"So I was about to splooge in her snatch when..." Remarked the twenty-something chuunin guard. At least thats what the uninvited ninja's estimate was and what he read from the man's lip movements from this distance. What was a snatch?

"Hold a moment, someone's coming." The other man seemed younger and more mild, slightly put off by the other man's conversation. Maybe he didn't know what a snatch was either.

"I told you I was about to when..." The older man looked ready to go into a lengthy explanation.

"No someone's coming towards us!" He heard the tail end of the guard's comment then as he got closer, time to put on a flawless performance.

"Good day to you fine young men! You look so nice in your clean pressed uniforms! Keep up your vigilant watch and protect our great village, the village of our forefathers. Why did you ever hear the story of how Shodaime saved a mother and her kittens while in the middle of a battle with Mist? It was humid day in Death Forest..."

"Gai-sensei! Ah erh, I didn't know you left the village... We are maning gates and must stay alert. I've already heard that story, remember?" Said the younger guard, he looked to be nervous and was sweating profusely. Then again he himself recalled times with the green jumpsuit jounin, it became a reaccuring reaction with everyone in the village. He chose this particular form to take as Gai was the best character to assume as people wanted to be as far away from him as possible yet also he was a non-threathing figure, that is if you take away the extremely long speeches and stories he told. Also his butt clinging spandex showed more than what you wanted to see.

"Hmmm is that so? I thought for sure I told it to the night duty guards. Though my memory eludes me my Youthful vigor will never disapate! Now I will read the dictionary on one hand upside down and memorize the words!" Pausing a moment he posed one thumb up and smiled so the twinkle on his teeth blinded one of the guardsmen above. He knew he did it right when someone cried out 'My eyes! My eyes!'Just for apperances sake he patted their shoulders needlessly hard making them buckle down in pain and back flipped as he went through the gate.

When at a safe distance he hid in a corner and released the jutsu. It would not do to walk around the village and run into the real Gai, that also his cheeks hurt from cracking a smile. Funny he could go days without sleep, constantly fighting powerful opponents yet two minutes of being Gai Maito and he was exhasted. For an extremely physhically unappealing man he made a good if somewhat unethical ninja. What was with those tights...

He corrected himself quickly, whatever kind of clothes a man wore made no never mind, he needed to complete his task and leave as soon as possible lest someone regonize him. Like a certain blonde kid with bad hygiene and a stupid face. Walking down the back alleys of Konoha he ignored the fact that statement was rather childish, there was no way he would make such a foolish comment unless it was a fact. Yes, a fact...

After all was right in the world his sandals cruched on the path to absolution, though it was really just rocks, dirt and occusionally paper trash. The first part of his trial would be to find just where his target would be. Passing by a adult book shop that bore the title 'Happy Fun Time for your Pants' it occurred to him the man he was seeking wasn't just any man but a well-known pervert. Where would a man of low morals in the field of sexual desire be?

Just as Kakashi Hatake left the said book store he passed the dark haired intruder. The missing nin stole away into a nearby trash can as the silver haired ninja looked up from his smuty novel. Kakashi turned around and he stared out at the desolate pathway. After a small shrug of his shoulders the veteran ninja walked on again his plastic bag crinkling continiously with plenty of new purchases weighing it down. Peeking out his silver can shielded base with a tin lid for a helmet, he watched with dark eyes as his goal literally came out of nowhere and fell onto his lap. Though actually that was old milk carton. Soundlessly crawling out of the smelly can he would have to be extra alert and sly in the future. He would follow the other until they reached a barren area in which then he could reveal himself and make his move...

Which conveniently they ended up at not twenty minutes later. Squinting his eyes, though he'd call it observing with a keen sight, the dark figure looked around the field of green mostly out in the open aside from flourishing trees. It was empty devoid of human life aside from the Copy Ninja sitting in the dirt under a redwood leaning onto it as he read his book in the silent peacful place.

The tree was a very LARGE redwood, with vines that went all the way up protruding from the base to the top, where the leaves shook and occasionally fell dropping like tears or some sort of liquid. A few leaves fluttered over Kakashi's face and down onto his chest staying there even as the older man's breath grew ragged. The jounin then shifted and a leaf fell into his hair and for some reason the ninja watching all this was growing hot and bothered. Now was not the time to be staring at such a spectacle he had to strike!

Swiftly with a few hand seals and one puff of smoke later the other man began walking down the pathway closing in the distance of two-hundred yards, the man in question had very good vision. His gaze never wavering from Kakashi, the look of murderous intent dancing in his eyes. Oh yes he would stab him again and again penetrating him deep, hard, until he hollered from the very core of his being. As the killer crepted closer Kakashi seemed most enthralled in his book not even twitching as he stood twenty paces away from him but he knew better, the other man was just as aware of his surroundings as he. Picking up a rock from the ground he threw it at Kakashi's head to get his attention and it hit the other inbetween the eyes with a thunk.

"Ouch! Fuck! What the hell?" Shaking his head and looking up with a displeased glare he spoke again. "Kurenai?" Kakashi looked surprised and bored, aggravated all at once and all he could see was one eye, how did he do that? That moment the missing nin in disguise crossed his arms under a full bust of bossom. He never liked such things, they seem more bothersome than sexually appealing and they were just feeding bags for infants. Why did so many males go into a frenzy over them? He would never understand. Yet it worked and a slight tilt of the other man's visable eye proved he was looking.

"You looked too comfortable and let that rock hit you, I did you a favor." He/She sauntered close to Kakashi placing her hands on slender hips slightly leaning forward to look down on the other man. A darken look overtook the inturder's borrowed face set with a vicious looking smile. "Or do you like round hard things hitting you in the face?"

Kakashi looked shocked again but only for a brief moment before he smiled, or at least it looked like a smile, since when could a person smile with one eye showing? Chuckling the other scratched his covered chin with one finger and spoke. "Why Kurenai how naughty of you for disturbing me like that, is there something you want?" He cocked his eyebrow and stared inquisitively.

His/Her eyes darkened. Swiftly without warning and with speed the other jounin wasn't aware she had, she sat down in his lap placing her hands on each side of his head. "You." His head hit the back of the tree quickly he threw his hands up, one around his companies neck the other clutching onto one breast. Dammit, if he was going to be attacked he wanted something good in return for the interuption.

Kakashi glared at the other the spy ninja as the fake Kurenai thought the look promising death was quite ridiculous when the jounin was clutching at his illusionary chest like that. Though he would not overlook the fact the other could snap his neck, if Kakashi was stronger than himself that is. Actually it was strangely thrilling to have the hand threathening him sliently, he figured then he had lost his mind somewhere, maybe in the trash can.

"You are going to tell me who you are and why you were following me." He didn't proclaim it as a question as the grip on the fake woman's neck tightened as well as her chest was treated to a few more gropes. Her breath grew rapid to the treatment, but from which hand...? Well mostly the one checking for cancer but its not like it was easy to breath with a vise around his/her neck.

"I followed you because I want you and I'm... The Muffin Man..." After Kakashi was disasble for the breifest of moments Fake Kurenai back flipped five times in sucession to get a safe distance away, or least far away to have enough time to react. With a chilling flat gaze red eyes flashed for a moment like a cat but that was probably the dying sun sinking into the abyss of night.

Slowly standing the last comment of his present company was disconcerting. The person must really be insane, he had to be extra cautious and if it WAS a female ninja enemy maybe they could work something out. He laughed lechrously in his head until he thought better of it. Damn Icha Icha luring him out to the dark side of his mind where naked women fulfilled his every need, this was the now and someone very dangerously certifiable was staring at him like he was dead meat. "So your objective is what? Capture or Kill? You wouldn't be from Akatsuki would you? They have it in for me after all." Kakashi turned his head and shook his shoulders in a move that seemed like an opening but he was waiting for the other to attack as he already formulated a couter strike. The other didn't blink, smart. A real decent ninja or a really bad one, he was already sure of which.

"Neither." One word, so cold and emotionless seemed strange coming from the mouth of a woman he knew but she was not Kurenai, nor a woman she was an it at the moment. A hermaphrodite? Brushing away the thought with a chill he really hoped his head would stop processing useless information, an after effect of the Sharingan, which is why he stopped using it during sex and to read his book. In his head a whole database of sexual positions and maneuvers. One day during a fight when he was thinking of fourteen different hot places to suck his opponent in he soon discovered it wasn't good to use his eye in such a way. Focusing back on his attacker's answer once again the person puzzled him, what could that mean? Wait, was this person a stalker gone awry? Damn it this is why he stopped sleeping with female ninja's, some of them just didn't know how to let go and could snap an kill you at anytime. Exasperated Kakashi was wired to flee at any moment, there was nothing more dangerous then an old jilted girlfriend, in his mind anyway.

"I want you Kakashi, and alive for I am not a necrophiliac. Though as to who I am... well..." In a puff of smoke Kakashi waited seconds in anticipation for his professed stalker, maybe if she was one of his better lays they could tumble one more time before he ran off and moved again. That was until he was floored with the others image. Quite literally, he fell back and stared up at the sky, dark clouds greeted his eyes and they couldn't fit the situation any more accurately. Lifting up his head he stared in horror at a tight black vested, leather slacked covered, bandage wearing Uchiha, and all the blood drained from his face.

"Y-Y-Y-You?" Crawling up on his hands and knees reaching out a shaken pointed finger, disbelief etched on his face. He didn't know if he should be flattered or frightened. Honestly he was both, and still considering sleeping with the said person.

"Sasuke?" Uchiha Sasuke smirked quite pleased, the aura around him self-satifaction and unmmistakely Uchiha. Crossing his arms, slanting his hip off to the one side black eyes held undiluted delight in the way Kakashi quivered his name. How would the veteran ninja cope with these turn of events?


Find out next time when I write another chapter.