Whiplash the Second

Disclaimer: If I own Naruto, shinobi uniforms would be transparent.

Whiplash the Second.

Once upon a time, there was a certain blue rodent that could run at speeds unattained by any other creature in existence. Whenever he runs, clouds of dust would rise up from where his lightning-fast feet would land, and his movements trigger his own tailwind. Because of his speed, this Sonic the Hedgehog was the undisputed master of his time. And due to that, he could face any trouble without fear nor trepidation, for he is fearless… and trepidation-less. Yeah, let’s go with that.

But even he, the fastest and most invincible hero of his era, could never run fast enough to forget the horror that is known as his equal in another world, the Youthful Green Beast of Konoha, Maito Gai.

Now, let us let everyone know that, despite first impressions, Maito Gai is indeed human. And a very kind man, too, but that impression is vastly overshadowed by the evil that is his fashion sense. But still, Gai is very human, and every human enjoys a youthful romp every now and then. And by romp, we mean… well, you know what we mean. Oh, and let’s try to forget “youthful” as an adjective to “romp”, because this is not a shouta/squick story.

Well, the more exotic the romp, the more pleasurable it is, right? And because Maito Gai is famous for being open to new experiences (most of which are self-inflicted punishments, but he doesn’t care as long as he feels youthful), he is very aware of exotic experiences when they are presented to him. Indeed, with the many youthful experiences he has (one could say desperately) put himself through, it is only natural to conclude with the statement… “Gee, middle-aged crisis, much?”

But let us not bash Maito Gai very much; his fashion is doing the job well and enough.

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Now, being a man in denial of the way youth is foregoing him, Maito Gai is very open to exploration, to new experiences, to red sports cars even though they are non-existent in his world. And one fine day, a very new experience was presented to him. Rather abruptly, at that.

He had been in the process of running around Konoha as self-punishment for losing to Sharingan Kakashi at butt-spelling. Yes, butt-spelling. It wasn’t that he was bad at it; in fact, he was pretty limber, bendable and flexible, what with being an extremely skilled tai-jutsu user. But the crowd just preferred to cheer for Kakashi much more than him because, let’s face it, watching Kakashi butt-spell a period can drown a fangirl in her own blood.

And so, to improve himself through his punishment, he declared that he was going to run around Konoha… on his butt. And if you think reading about a green-jumpsuit clad, middle-aged, bowl-haired man hop around Konoha on his arse is bad enough, just be glad that you’re not Genma who actually saw the monstrosity. No wonder the guy’s catatonic.
In fact, there was also the unexplained mass suicide when he passed by the Hyuuga residence. Damn that x-ray vision.

Tsk, tsk. It’s all Kakashi’s fault for having such a delectable rump in the first place. It must be said that blaming him is an extremely unpopular opinion.

But little did Gai know that he would exact karmic revenge very soon. And unexpectedly, at that. Ah, ignorance can be such bliss.

So, whilst exploring Konoha from the new vantage point of being only waist high (and believe me, being eye-level with everyone else’s crotch can be both tiring and… youthenizing*), he chanced upon an empty field with spectacularly youthful sight indeed: young Kurenai-sensei. Alone. Relaxing on the grass. Spread-eagled. Eyes closed.

Naked.

And immediately, his youthfulness was… awakened.

In a speed of thinking unknown to anyone else, Maito Gai calculated that with his superhuman speed, he could… insert his youth and… spout his glory with (and preferably in) Kurenai-sensei before she even got the chance to crack open an eyelid. Yes, he could do that. And so… he did. Quickly. And youthfully, of course.

Mastering all the tricks he learned in his lifetime of tai-jutsu training (and opening several gates just in case), he rushed to Kurenai, did his thing, and was done even before the relaxing woman knew what was going on.

In fact, the only reason she knew that something happened was the sudden wind that blew over the field, carrying with it the distinct scent of… manliness.

“What just happened?” she asked.

Hidden by his invisibility gen-jutsu, Kakashi replied, “I don’t know… But my butt hurts like hell.”

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Fin ♥

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*Yes, I’m aware that there’s no such word. So let’s make it a word!

And thank you to those who reviewed Whiplash the First. I wrote this thing before Whiplash I, but I thought it seemed more poorly written, so I postponed publishing it. But now that I have a beta (yey!), my upcoming fics will only IMPROVE!!! (Bwahahahahahaha!)
By the way, I have no idea how I came up with such a “story”.