Tests and Trials

This was in response to a challenge by LemonDrops, who asked for anything with Shikamaru and Kakashi, the lazy geniuses. It was a challenge so I hope you enjoy it.


Tests and Trials Part 1

The gods were definitely toying with him. That or Tsunade was feeling particularly sadistic this morning. She smiled at him knowingly as he flipped through the book of selected examiners this year. His first year as head examiner and she had chosen the lineup from Hell. Kami-sama, why didn’t she just send him on an A-rank suicide mission instead?

“Any questions?” she smiled, fingers entwined and chin resting on the back of her hands. She gloated from her desk and he knew then that this was one big joke to her.

“No, Tsunade-hime.” Shikamaru tried to sound polite. She could forgive him for sounding bored. She’d merely egg him on more if she knew how annoyed he felt.

“Then I’ll leave this in your hands.” Her eyes twinkled with merriment. Shikamaru bit his lip lightly to prevent himself from cursing. “Of course, Hokage-sama.” He bowed. “Ja, shitsurei shimashita.”

He quickly excused himself, backing out of the door and strolled down the hall. Anyone that knew him would know that he was walking faster than he usually did. Itching to run straight to his Shogi board to develop new ways of manipulating the examiners, Shikamaru knew that his first task would be to meet with everyone and to come up with a comprehensive exam. Perhaps deciding what he wanted on the exam should be priority number one. However, Tsunade had been generous in the amount of time she had given him to prepare and wishing to be anywhere but thinking about his new assignment, he figured that it could all wait for later. Not like he could track them all down right now if he wanted to. He needed to stare at some clouds to clear his head first.

A few days later, Shikamaru sat quietly, listening carefully to the suggestions put forth by the other examiners. He had no particular problem with most of them, except perhaps the green eyed sand shinobi still gazing daggers at him for botching up their last attempt at a relationship. But he was fairly relieved that he was getting along with most of them. Well, those present in any case.

Shikamaru spared a glance at the empty chair where Hatake Kakashi was supposed to be sitting. The legendary copy-nin had been put in charge of this year’s written exam and Shikamaru was a bit anxious. To date, Hatake had only passed one team of genin. He needed to know that they would have examinees left after the rather tough jonin got through with them. What good was planning all these exams if none of them passed the first round?

Hours later, just at the meeting was about to draw to a close, Hatake strolled into the room, Icha book in hand and sank easily into the one remaining chair. “Sorry I’m late. What did I miss?”

Shikamaru’s eye twitched. “This meeting is adjourned. Everyone, but Hatake-san, is dismissed. Meet back here in three days with an outline of your proposed examination methods.”

“Hai,” everyone bowed and excused themselves. Temari sent him a particularly scalding glare before exiting the room.

“Hatake-san, your reputation precedes you, but this is not acceptable. You’re responsible for the first exam. Have you even begun to consider your methods?”

“Mm hrm.” He continued to read.

“And?” Shikamaru asked impatiently. “What have you decided?”

“Shh, could you give me a moment? I just reached a good part.” The older jounin smiled under his mask, peering closely at the book in front of his face. He failed to look at Shikamaru even once since he had entered the room, too intent on finishing whatever was on that page.

Irritated, Shikamaru would have snatched the book straight out of Kakashi’s hands if he didn’t consider it too much effort. Instead, he stared in annoyance until the copy-nin had finished.

“Satisfied?” Shikamaru asked tersely.

“Immensely,” Kakashi said with a smile. He lowered the book for once and smiled through one eye.

“I’ve already fully researched everything I need to write up the exam.”

Shikamaru was taken aback by this information. He looked at Kakashi with surprise. Apparently appearances could be deceiving. “And?”

Kakashi smiled. “And I’ve got it all here.” The jonin placed one finger on the cover of his green book. “This year’s exam will be solely on Icha Icha Tactics.”

Shikamaru tried to hide his horror. He hadn’t suffered a shock this big since Naruto knocked out Kiba by passing gas in their first Chuunin exam.

He cleared his throat. “And what sort of questions do you plan on asking them? How many slaps in the face it takes for a guy to give up harassing a woman? How about how low should a woman wear her shirt to properly get a man’s attention?”

Kakashi’s eyes lit up. “Oh, that’s a good one!” He seemed to be seriously pondering it.

“You’re kidding, right? How is this going to test their abilities? You’re going to end up with a hand full of perverts passing the exam while the modest and innocent blush and faint or pass out from blood loss after their nose bleeds all over the place.”

“Exactly!” Kakashi beamed.

Shikamaru sighed. Shaking his head he covered his eyes with one hand. “I fail to see how this tests shinobi training.”

Kakashi paused for a moment. Quietly, he put his book down before turning his body to face Shikamaru. “Nara-san.”

“Yes?”

“Do you know much about Naruto’s original jutsus?” Shikamaru shook his head. He knew them more through hear say than actual observation. “To this date, there is one jutsu Naruto possesses that was able to defeat Jiraiya and nearly defeat the third. He created it when he was twelve.” Shikamaru’s eyes widened in surprise. “Do you know what that jutsu is?”

A jutsu able to nearly defeat the third? Shikamaru knew of no such thing. Naruto had grown strong, but when the third was alive, he was still a class clown-- a goof ball that one put much faith in. The boy thought about it, going through the catalogue of jutsus he knew Naruto to possess but couldn’t think of a single one strong enough to take down either of those famed shinobi.

“No. Tell me.”

“Oiroke no Jutsu.” Shikamaru groaned. “Naruto created it himself after a few too many times staring at dirty magazines. He discovered that if there was one weakness most men possessed, it was a beautiful woman.”

“I’ve heard about that. He even taught it to the third’s grandson. Geez, you can’t be serious. The third? Really?”

Kakashi grinned and nodded. “And if that didn’t get them, then not even the pure of heart could withstand the Harem no Jutsu. It seems Uzumaki is quite talented in bringing out the inner pervert in all of us.” Kakashi didn’t seem too upset by that information. In fact, he seemed to find it highly amusing. Though considering he was always shamelessly reading porn in public, Shikamaru didn’t find that too surprising.

“And tell me again why this is important for the Chunin exams?”

“Because a shinobi is told that he is to have no personal feelings. No remorse, no regrets, no… personal desires,” Kakashi leered, “It’s the code, it’s in the book. But anyone who has been on a battlefield knows it’s not possible. Only the truly heartless could wipe away emotion completely. Even Sai has opened up since he met Naruto.”

Shikamaru felt strangely subdued by the suddenly serious edge to Kakashi’s voice. He knew about the code. He too had failed at that one and all too well.

“Temari-san seemed a bit angry on her way out, don’t you think?” Shikamaru felt those words like a slap in the face. “It seems that even jonin are susceptible to failing the most basic of rules.” Kakashi paused. Shikamaru had been staring at the floor deep in thought. His mind had wandered to a conversation long ago with his former sensei. He had once asked why Kurenai-sensei decided to leave active duty as a shinobi. Asuma had smiled sheepishly then and offered the vague explanation that it was his fault really. Shikamaru never pressed for anything more.

Shikamaru’s attention was brought back to the present when Kakashi’s fingers pulled his chin forward.

“And how about you, Nara-kun?” Kakashi’s masked face was mere centimeters away from him. “How low does a girl’s shirt have to be to get your attention?” Kakashi was toying with him.

Shikamaru blushed, pulled his chin away and gathered up his papers.

“I want a rough draft in three days and an explanation of your grading methods.” Shikamaru strolled out of the meeting room and didn’t look back.

Definitely the lineup from Hell.