Pain

Pain
By Kagehoshi

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

The Kunai slid into his flesh easily, just like he knew it would, after all he kept his equipment in perfect condition. He sharpened his weapons until they could slice a hair in two, so what was the flesh of a young shinobi to the unfeeling sharpness of the blade? He continued to slice at the flesh of his arms, wincing slightly at the pain. He didn’t like the pain; in fact he hated it quite a bit. There was no pleasure to be had in cutting through skin and muscle, no sick twisted joy spiraled through him at the sight of his red blood spilling onto the floor. But it was the only way he felt anything. It was the only release from the mind-numbing nothing that usually echoed throughout his being.


You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand

In truth he didn’t really feel alive unless he was being cut. Either by himself or someone else, after all the people of his village had sliced at him for so long it was almost a necessary act for him to function normally now. He had never known love, at least not the way normal people knew it. For as long as he could remember the only attention or emotion given to him was expressed with a kunai. Sliced at with hatred, cut at with remorse, stabbed with sorrow, even joy and glee had been carved into him with the edge of a blade. It was all he knew, all he understood. He had only ever been shown emotion when being hurt, until it had been ingrained into his very being.

This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand

The earliest he could remember was when he was four. It had been dark outside, and he had been sleeping peacefully in the jumble of tattered rags he used as blankets. Without warning he had been snatched up by rough hands and flung against the flimsy wall of his room. There had been a whole group of them, all wielding the small sharp blades that most ninja favored. They had sliced at his poor helpless body, all the while hissing at him in hatred or crying in sorrow. Some demanded that he bring back lost loved ones, others told him what a monster he was. He hadn’t understood what they were talking about, and had curled up into a small ball as the blades had continued to flash down upon him. To a small boy who had never been shown any emotion at all his entire life, this sudden outpouring of feelings confused him.

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

They had left when the sun began to rise, leaving behind a shredded child. However, for all their hard work he had not died. Had not succumbed to the peaceful darkness of death. Instead he had slowly risen to his feet and shuffled to the bathroom. Once there he had removed the tattered remains of his nightclothes and entered the cold shower stall. He had stood unmoving as icy cold water washed over his abused body, washing off the blood that coated him. As he felt the stinging of his cuts go numb from the icy water he had smiled softly to himself.

Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you will understand

It had been the first time his existence had been acknowledged by anyone. The first time he had heard voices directed at him. It had hurt, and he didn’t like the pain, but it was worth it. Worth it to know he wasn’t alone anymore. He at least had had some impact upon the lives of others. They had come back again and again, sometimes waiting for him in the darkness of his empty apartment as he came home from school. And he never fought them, never cried out as they showered him with emotions with the tips of their blades.

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

He hated the pain, wished it would go away, but he welcomed the outpouring of emotions that came with it. Soon it got to the point where he needed the pain in order to feel any kind of emotion at all. He had started cutting himself by six, the sporadic visits by his night terrors no longer enough to satisfy his hunger for feeling. If anybody had noticed anything they remained silent as the young boy continued to cut away at himself.

I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you're wounded
You know (You know you know you know you know)
That I'm here to save you
You know (You know you know you know you know)
I'm always here for you
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you'll thank me later

The visits had all but stopped, now that he was older and an accomplished ninja, but the cutting continued. He needed the pain of wounds in order to keep up the happy mask he had placed over himself. He needed the throbbing ache of deep cuts to protect him from the nothing inside. He needed to be hurt in order to feel the loathing that was directed at him by those he called friend. Because all this pain and sorrow, and loneliness he felt was so much better than feeling nothing at all.

Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain

And perhaps one day, when he was cutting himself, he would cut deep enough and strong enough, so that even the powers of the demon fox inside him could not keep him alive. And if that happens, Naruto thought, slicing even deeper into the flesh of his arm, maybe I’ll be able to finally feel love.