Divine Intervention
folder
Naruto › General
Rating:
Adult
Chapters:
1
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Category:
Naruto › General
Rating:
Adult
Chapters:
1
Views:
1,060
Reviews:
0
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Naruto, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Divine Intervention
Title: Divine Intervention
Summary: Sasuke doesn't question divine intervention...
Author: Naria Lacour de Fanel
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Don't own the characters or the original story. I just own my insanity! ^_^
Warnings: Language, Sakura abuse, and general crack-ness!
Author's note: Pure crack, I tells ya! My absolute loathing for Sakura and her useless whiny ways made me do it! She causes so much anger!! I suppose there is some Sasuke abuse, too...but that's because he's so fun to poke! ^_^ WHEE!!
Be prepared for a drop and run with it start! I don't pretend to know what's going on, either! Assume the stereotypical.
______________________________________________________________________
"You're annoying," Sasuke growled in his patented "I hate the world and all you low-class morons" voice. It was the epitome of stealth haughtiness and suited the ice-prince too well.
"B-B-but, Sasuke-kun..." the pink haired girl whined like a three-year-old.
"No, really, you're annoying..." he replied, voice losing that disinterested tone and taking on a hint of seriousness, maybe a twinge of discomfort at the girl viciously latched onto his arm. He inwardly shuddered at the feel of her inadquate breasts lewdly rubbing against his arm. She had probably done that on purpose...the bitch.
"B-b-b-but, Sasuke-kun...I know I'm useless and whiny and just plain stupid, but I LOVE you!" she pleaded, her eyes bugging out in an attempt (and pointed failure) of trying to look cute. But she's Sakura. It was preordained that Sakura could never be cute.
"Wow," Sasuke sighed, definitely annoyed. "Okay, how can I spell it out any clearer, you big-forehead weilding fucktard?"
He rolled his eyes at the expectant look the obviously mentally challenged girl that blocked his way and was STILL TOUCHING him.
"I. DON'T. LIKE. YOU!" he growled threateningly, each word punctuated with a shake of his captive arm.
"B-b-b-but Sasuke-kun, I love you," the annoyingly tenacious kunoichi keened, her voice grating on his already aching ears.
"Argh! Will you just shut up?!" he barked, exasperated and ANGRY now. He threw her off and attempted to walk away, but she was somehow in front of him AGAIN!
"B-b-b-" she studdered, posed in the classic "love-struck ditz begging for acceptance" stance. It made Sasuke want to bash her face in with a VERY heavy, VERY blunt rock.
"Don't say it! Don't you dare say it!"
"B-b-b-"
"Oi! What did I say?!"
"B-b-b-"
"That's it, you're toast!"
And with that, Sasuke used his Katon fireball on the pink-haired freak. She had made him ANGRY. The only person allowed to make him ANGRY was his stoopid older drag-queen of a brother! Really, Sasuke was just jealous that Itachi had killed their father first, since the man had had no fashion sense and jowls bigger than a mastiff's. Oh, and he had been an overbearing asshole. But, still. Sasuke hoped, with all the fury of his displaced ANGER at his stoopid family, that she roasted like a mashmallow.
And how she roasted! She went up like Michael Jackson's 'fro...kinda smelled like it, too. And yet, she did not die!! Even with her annoying shrieks of pain and terror (to which Sasuke danced a happy little ninja jig, which no one saw because it was a NINJA jig) she somehow crawled away from the raging inferno. Yes, she was even less cute. Though the charbroiled skin, Sasuke discovered, was an improvement.
"B-b-b-" she stammered...still.
"Dear God! Why won't you die?!" the emo-ninja shouted in ANGER and a teensy weensy bit o' fear! This proved it, Sakura was not something natural. The pink hair should have been a dead give away...
"I LOVE YOUUUUUUUU!" she howled like an idiot. A roasty toasty idiot.
Sasuke's eye twitched.
It was then that some great ninja god in the heavens decided to grant the world, and Sasuke incidentally, some respite.
Suddenly, out of fucking nowhere, a zombified Zabuza fell out of the sky and crushed the charcoaled kunoichi-thing with the flat of his big-ass blade, turning her into a pile of kunoichi-thing ashes. The Zabu-zombie grunted in (what Sasuke hoped was) satisfaction.
Sasuke was caught somewhere between ZOMGWTF?! and unparalleled relief.
Sasuke shouldn't have been surprised, but still was, when an angelic little Haku floated down out of the sky to pet the Zabu-zombie on the head.
"Good boy," Haku cooed soothingly. "Kami-sama says we only have Tsunade left, and then you can join me in heaven, Zabuza-san!"
Zabu-zombie gurgled happily. Haku giggled like a little girl.
Sasuke had a small stroke.
There was a poof and a puff of smoke and they were gone.
Poor Sasuke was left with the pile of ashes...which spontaneously twitched on their own! Sasuke quickly kicked at the pile, sending it to the four winds and ridding himself of Sakura FOREVER! Hurrah! After which he pondered the merits of warning the godaime of her impending doom. He quickly discovered that he really had no intention of facing divine wrath by screwing up God's master plan. Besides, he had other, more important things to do.
Like, figuring out how he was going to tell Naruto about the recent deaths of their team mate and (eventually) their hokage...The blonde would need some comforting afterwards...Sakura had been his first love, after all.
It seemed that it was a prime time to introduce Naruto to the joys of socratic love.
Oh, yes, Sasuke would not question divine intervention. He would not screw up God's master plan. He would enjoy it to the fullest.
Fin.
______________________________
CRACK!!! CRACK CRACK!! I warned ya! ^_^ I'm really not too huge a fan of SasuNaru, but I couldn't pass it up! Yaoi FTW! I'm an Uchihacest (because Itachi is made of Sex and Win!)and ZabuHaku fangirl all the way! But, ya gotta poke fun at what ya love sometimes!
Summary: Sasuke doesn't question divine intervention...
Author: Naria Lacour de Fanel
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Don't own the characters or the original story. I just own my insanity! ^_^
Warnings: Language, Sakura abuse, and general crack-ness!
Author's note: Pure crack, I tells ya! My absolute loathing for Sakura and her useless whiny ways made me do it! She causes so much anger!! I suppose there is some Sasuke abuse, too...but that's because he's so fun to poke! ^_^ WHEE!!
Be prepared for a drop and run with it start! I don't pretend to know what's going on, either! Assume the stereotypical.
______________________________________________________________________
"You're annoying," Sasuke growled in his patented "I hate the world and all you low-class morons" voice. It was the epitome of stealth haughtiness and suited the ice-prince too well.
"B-B-but, Sasuke-kun..." the pink haired girl whined like a three-year-old.
"No, really, you're annoying..." he replied, voice losing that disinterested tone and taking on a hint of seriousness, maybe a twinge of discomfort at the girl viciously latched onto his arm. He inwardly shuddered at the feel of her inadquate breasts lewdly rubbing against his arm. She had probably done that on purpose...the bitch.
"B-b-b-but, Sasuke-kun...I know I'm useless and whiny and just plain stupid, but I LOVE you!" she pleaded, her eyes bugging out in an attempt (and pointed failure) of trying to look cute. But she's Sakura. It was preordained that Sakura could never be cute.
"Wow," Sasuke sighed, definitely annoyed. "Okay, how can I spell it out any clearer, you big-forehead weilding fucktard?"
He rolled his eyes at the expectant look the obviously mentally challenged girl that blocked his way and was STILL TOUCHING him.
"I. DON'T. LIKE. YOU!" he growled threateningly, each word punctuated with a shake of his captive arm.
"B-b-b-but Sasuke-kun, I love you," the annoyingly tenacious kunoichi keened, her voice grating on his already aching ears.
"Argh! Will you just shut up?!" he barked, exasperated and ANGRY now. He threw her off and attempted to walk away, but she was somehow in front of him AGAIN!
"B-b-b-" she studdered, posed in the classic "love-struck ditz begging for acceptance" stance. It made Sasuke want to bash her face in with a VERY heavy, VERY blunt rock.
"Don't say it! Don't you dare say it!"
"B-b-b-"
"Oi! What did I say?!"
"B-b-b-"
"That's it, you're toast!"
And with that, Sasuke used his Katon fireball on the pink-haired freak. She had made him ANGRY. The only person allowed to make him ANGRY was his stoopid older drag-queen of a brother! Really, Sasuke was just jealous that Itachi had killed their father first, since the man had had no fashion sense and jowls bigger than a mastiff's. Oh, and he had been an overbearing asshole. But, still. Sasuke hoped, with all the fury of his displaced ANGER at his stoopid family, that she roasted like a mashmallow.
And how she roasted! She went up like Michael Jackson's 'fro...kinda smelled like it, too. And yet, she did not die!! Even with her annoying shrieks of pain and terror (to which Sasuke danced a happy little ninja jig, which no one saw because it was a NINJA jig) she somehow crawled away from the raging inferno. Yes, she was even less cute. Though the charbroiled skin, Sasuke discovered, was an improvement.
"B-b-b-" she stammered...still.
"Dear God! Why won't you die?!" the emo-ninja shouted in ANGER and a teensy weensy bit o' fear! This proved it, Sakura was not something natural. The pink hair should have been a dead give away...
"I LOVE YOUUUUUUUU!" she howled like an idiot. A roasty toasty idiot.
Sasuke's eye twitched.
It was then that some great ninja god in the heavens decided to grant the world, and Sasuke incidentally, some respite.
Suddenly, out of fucking nowhere, a zombified Zabuza fell out of the sky and crushed the charcoaled kunoichi-thing with the flat of his big-ass blade, turning her into a pile of kunoichi-thing ashes. The Zabu-zombie grunted in (what Sasuke hoped was) satisfaction.
Sasuke was caught somewhere between ZOMGWTF?! and unparalleled relief.
Sasuke shouldn't have been surprised, but still was, when an angelic little Haku floated down out of the sky to pet the Zabu-zombie on the head.
"Good boy," Haku cooed soothingly. "Kami-sama says we only have Tsunade left, and then you can join me in heaven, Zabuza-san!"
Zabu-zombie gurgled happily. Haku giggled like a little girl.
Sasuke had a small stroke.
There was a poof and a puff of smoke and they were gone.
Poor Sasuke was left with the pile of ashes...which spontaneously twitched on their own! Sasuke quickly kicked at the pile, sending it to the four winds and ridding himself of Sakura FOREVER! Hurrah! After which he pondered the merits of warning the godaime of her impending doom. He quickly discovered that he really had no intention of facing divine wrath by screwing up God's master plan. Besides, he had other, more important things to do.
Like, figuring out how he was going to tell Naruto about the recent deaths of their team mate and (eventually) their hokage...The blonde would need some comforting afterwards...Sakura had been his first love, after all.
It seemed that it was a prime time to introduce Naruto to the joys of socratic love.
Oh, yes, Sasuke would not question divine intervention. He would not screw up God's master plan. He would enjoy it to the fullest.
Fin.
______________________________
CRACK!!! CRACK CRACK!! I warned ya! ^_^ I'm really not too huge a fan of SasuNaru, but I couldn't pass it up! Yaoi FTW! I'm an Uchihacest (because Itachi is made of Sex and Win!)and ZabuHaku fangirl all the way! But, ya gotta poke fun at what ya love sometimes!