Is This Gonna Give Me Warts?

NOTES: At one point in this story, there is an allusion to an earlier fic called "Bragging Rights." Having unlimited intelligence, I have yet to post that story here, but you can find it on my LJ if you want to read it; I'll be posting it here later and will update these notes once I do.

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“Dammit,” Kiba said, swatting at his butt again. “Getting sick of this crap.” He spun around, shouting into the trees. “How long’s it been going on for?” he asked. “Huh?!”

But all the forest did was stare right back at him, and after a few more seconds of resounding silence, he gave a sigh, stuffed his hands back in his pockets, and pressed on.

What a job.

Here he was, strolling through the Leaf Village forest, stuck on a supposedly simple delivery mission for Kurenai (and feeling practically naked without his dog), and now he had some amateur ninja trailing him and doing all sorts of provocative things to him, too. It was bringing his piss to a boil—so much so that he’d probably have to go unleash a hot stream on some unsuspecting tree soon. Or maybe that idiot lurking behind him. That’d show them real good, wouldn’t it? He scoffed, then grit his teeth, those fingers of his grinding up any leftover crumbs deep in the crannies of his pockets as he continued to keep a moderate pace and act as though he hadn’t noticed such obvious movements from behind, such loud footsteps. And how the heck could you even be loud out here, anyway? Wind was rattling up the leaves, birds were tweeting their little bird beaks off, and bugs were buzzing up a storm all over the place. Whoever it was following him, they completely failed at stealth, they had an odd pungency about them that Kiba could only vaguely describe as mushroom-leaping lizards, and they were going to get a mouthful of kunai if they did that again.

And sure enough, they did.

There was a loud smack, followed by a cushy sting on Kiba’s rear, and that’s all it took.

He whirled around, glaring as he unleashed a barrage of shurikens into the forest, each one thudding into the tree trunks, rustling through the leaves, and carving into the ground; in a black blur, the Inuzuka’d already charged at his own shadow, a kunai in his grip, ready to slash a jugular or two.

But instead he just saw Naruto standing there and waving those lanky arms of his with a grin.

“Hey, hey!” Naruto said. “It’s just me, Kiba, damn! Couldn’t you smell the ass you’ve banged a billion times by now?”

Kiba came sliding to a halt, his sandals shredding up a froth of dirt in the process. “Gah, what’re you doing out here?” he asked. “And where’s Akamaru? I thought he was with you and Hinata.”

“Oh, he was,” Naruto said, stretching for the sky then setting his arms behind his head. “But, uhh . . . eh, heh-heh, got some intriguing news, Kiba.”

“Oh, boy, you said ‘intriguing.’ Didn’t even know a word like that was in your vocabulary, man. This’s gonna be good I bet.”

“. . . Hey, I can spell discipline.”

“Right.” Kiba stifled a yawn. “So what’s the big deal?”

Naruto squatted, grinning as widely as a slice of cantaloupe. “You’re gonna love this, man.”

“Uhh.” Kiba scratched his nose. “What, are you gonna take a dump or something?”

Naruto leaped in response.

But he didn’t just leap a normal yard or so off the ground. He leaped a little higher than that.

And Kiba’s jaw was starting to hang a tad as Naruto launched on into the branches and leaves above, crashing through all that foliage then soaring past the canopy till he’d probably reached a cloud up there. The Inuzuka squinted and placed a hand over his brow, peering through the roughly Naruto-shaped hole in the forest ceiling.

“Hey, Naruto!” he called. “What’d you learn, some kinda jumping jutsu?”

“Nope,” came Naruto’s voice. “Call it an inheritance!”

“An inheritance?”

“Yeah!”

“Well what do you mean ‘an inheritance’?”

Naruto’d reached his zenith, and gravity was kicking in. He started to fall, but continued talking anyway: “I picked it up from Jiraiya, man! My old sensei, remember?

“Yeah?”

“And all those frogs of his, their chakra’s in me now.” Naruto landed in a froglike position, a spring in his powerful thighs as he looked up. “And I can do some fu-u-u-u-un shit now, too, man,” he said.

“Like what?” Kiba asked, walking over. “Can you ribbit?”

“Huh?”

“I said, ‘can you ribbit?’”

Naruto hopped to his feet, grinning proudly as he puffed out his chest and gave a rolling belch. Most of the surrounding birds vacated the forest in wake of that monster.

“Rrrrribbit,” Naruto said, patting his stomach.

Kiba started laughing.

“How’d that sound?” Naruto asked. “Like a real frog, right?”

“Yeah, that was a good one.”

“Thanks, heh.”

“Are your fingers all sticky now, too?”

“Nah, nah,” Naruto said. “At least I don’t think they are. . . . ” He drummed his fingers along a nearby tree.

“They sticky?” Kiba asked.

“Nope.”

“Damn.”

Naruto placed a hand on his hip, the other through his hair. “Actually, I’m pretty sure there’s only one other trick I can do now, but obviously, I don’t need to borrow your damn dog anymore.”

“Tchhhhh, like you ever really needed to borrow my dog in the first place,” Kiba said. “I only let you guys borrow him because Hinata was with you, and she’s been feeling a little out of it lately, you know?”

“Yeah.”

“You did let her ride him by herself, right?”

Naruto tucked both his hands into his pockets. “’Course I did.”

“You lazy ass.”

Naruto grinned. “Well I ain’t gonna turn down a free ride when the opportunity presents itself, and—”

“Shut up and tell me your new trick, doofus.”

“Hey, hey, hey!” Naruto said. “What the ass was that about? I ain’t a doofus! I looked up that word quandary, too, man. It sure don’t mean dirty underwear, you joker! And tell you something else—”

“Is it kinky?” Kiba interrupted.

“Huh—what?”

“Your other trick?”

“. . . Ohhh, heh-heh-heh.” Naruto’s face settled into an impish smile as he twirled his finger around, predictably forgetting his minor indignation in an instant. “Why don’t you just, uhh—look the other way for a sec, man. You’ll see.”

And without a word, the Inuzuka’d slowly turned around, sticking his butt out just a tad, already pretty sure he knew where this was going. He shoved his hands into his pockets and tried to shimmy them down some, to give the guy behind him a peek at his coin slot.

And that’s when he felt that annoying slap from before on his butt; only this time, it wasn’t annoying anymore. This time, it was a hot, thick tongue spanking his ass, cracking his beefy buns like some kind of flesh-whip.

“Nnn,” he said, clenching his teeth, the corner of his lip tugging upwards into pleasure. “So that’s why you smell a little off, heh. Couldn’t figure out who you were for a minute there.”

“I smell different?”

“Yeah,” Kiba said, staring off into the forest. “Figured you were some dumbass assassin from the Rain Village, actually.”

Naruto unleashed another clap upon the Inuzuka’s rump, but this time he apparently got stuck.

“Duh ‘Ain ‘Illage?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Kiba said, wriggling his butt some to test out the tongue’s stretchiness. “You stink like rain and grass and ass and frogs and ramen and milk all rolled up in a cock of sushi.”

All of a sudden, that tongue pulled Kiba back a step, throwing him off balance. He toppled forward onto his hands and knees then felt Naruto’s face smash right into his crack.

“. . . Uhh—a cock-a-sushi?” Naruto said, muffled in the seat of Kiba’s pants. “What’s that smell like?”

Kiba reached back and patted his ass. “Not smell, Narutoad—stink. And it stinks like you, frogboy, that’s what.”

A couple sniffs came from behind. “Least I don’t stink like beef farts.”

Kiba nodded. “Yeah, that’d be my ass you’re talking about,” he said. “Bet it’s nice and spicy down there, too—so shut up and lick it already.”

“Ahh, Kiba”—the Inuzuka felt those hot hands poke and prod at his butt—“the best part is, I can switch back and forth between my old tongue and my frog one like it ain’t nothing.”

“Oh really?”

“Yuh-huh.”

“You catch any flies yet?”

Naruto flipped Kiba onto his back.

“Only yours,” the frogboy said, smirking.

And then his tongue darted for Kiba’s zipper.