Like the unsettled sand

Title: Like the unsettled sand
Author: Shuu
Status: COMPLETE
Genre: YAOI
Warning: Alternate Universe
Pairing: Sasuke x Naruto

I

Naruto.

To me you are the epitome of my hurt, my impure desires, and the darkness consuming me. You are to me someone who’s so pure, so pure and foolish that I cannot but want to stain you with the impurity of my hands.

Your love kills me, it breaks me every time you would look at me with tenderness I cannot accept. I want to strangle you with the same chain that binds me to her, it’s sick but it satisfies me to know that I am not the only one hurting, even now I question myself, how seeing someone’s tears make me feel so happy it’s almost absurd.

You came on to me that day, so straightforward and self-assured. It pissed me off. And I wanting for release without any hesitation agreed to a relationship tied by the pleasures of the flesh. I didn’t care who you were seeing behind closed eyes, I didn’t care whose name you were screaming under me-not that you were ever vocal-that I was so shocked to find myself actually wanting to know those things.

To me, losing you, I felt for the first time, lost. I didn’t know what to do. How to feel. How to act. All the things in front of me. The voices of the people, their concerned gazes, I couldn’t recognize them all.

Confused.

I hated you didn’t I?

I wanted to hurt you, right?

So why do I feel so empty?

The feeling of wanting to cry came back to me a hundred folds. Once again it was there, but more intense, like breathing would be impossible I wouldn’t be surprised if I find myself one day being rushed to the hospital because of a heart attack.

[Sasuke, at a time like this, having someone to cry on to is necessary.

Sakura I…. I… Fuck!]

I couldn’t cry. Not in so many days after I found out you were gone. When she told me that, I realized that I couldn’t cry… knowing how I cannot accept such a fact. And then suddenly unconsciously doing so…

[Uchiha, he’s dead. It’s been three months. I was actually hesitating if I should even tell you.]

My company that day was a line of imported liquors and a wine glass. I couldn’t describe that time, the feeling of frustration settling over me like sediments slowly making their way down the bottom of the water as I stared at the aquarium in my office.

[Fuck you Uchiha. To be honest I wanted you so much to be the one in his place instead of him…]

Neji said that with a trembling voice, it’s almost funny how someone so calm and controlled like him could sound like that. It made me realize just how much a lovable person you could be. Just like Neji, you’re the only one aside from her that could make me feel so unsettled, more so than her.

My own depravity and weakness it all came back to me that time, I realized how my time acted in reverse. Realizing how much I’m in love with you only after it was too late.

After the sex there was hate.

After the hate there was confusion.

A relationship that acted in reverse.

And then the fishes in the aquarium squirmed and the sand in the bottom of the water tank appeared murky and yellow, similar to my emotions second after second they slowly settled at the bottom.

A vivid view of the driftwood, the fishes, the transparent water…

I love you.

Again and again as I continued to watch the fishes fuss and swim under water from the swivel chair in my office my emotions would be clearer.

Like the sand in the bottom of the water my emotions would stir, staining my soul, a morbid color of my actions, time after time it would settle again only to be bothered by thoughts of you.

It’s a love that consisted of everything that hurt and everything that healed.

[Sasuke!]

Your smile that day was so beautiful and bright I could see the vivid brilliance of your eyes that were only directed towards me.

Even under the gray, bleak sky.