Shadows and Radiance

Welcome to the rewrite!! OK, here we go!

I'm so tired, cuz my internet kept konking out, but, enjoy!

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-Chapter 1-
-Cut deep-
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The beauty of the world… has two edges, one of laughter, one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder.
-Virginia Woolf, A Room of One’s Own
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’I’ve got another confession to make
I’m your fool’

I’m an idiot. A moron. A love-struck fool, and I got my heart ripped to shreds because I was stupid enough to believe someone actually loved me.

‘Everyone’s got their chains to break
Holding you’

The water in my tub is cold. There’s something wrong with that; when I first stepped in it was scalding hot. But the pain made me feel better. Helped me think. Now my mind is clouded, my thoughts rush out fast and furious and get jumbled up and trip over each other and I wish I could just turn it off, I’m so confused. And sick and tired of being sick and tired.

‘Were you born to resist
Or be abused’

It didn’t matter. What did it matter? What did he matter? What did I matter?.

‘Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Are you gone and off to someone new?’

Nothing. I mattered nothing to him and everybody else for that matter. Though they cover it all up with plastic smiles and outstretched hands, I knew they really didn’t give a damn. I was just some fate-obsessed girly freak who they thought could be their little charity case, their community service project for a week. Glue the broken mirror back together and look at your shattered reflection. Call it worthless and through it back into the trash to shatter again, and loudly sigh that it used to be such a pretty mirror. Well, I don’t give a damn either. Screw them. Screw everybody.

Screw me.

‘I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose’

I frowned and leaned back, settling deeper into the water and closing my eyes. Spots of bright yellow and somber red danced before my eyes, as if the image had been permanently branded onto my eyelids. I opened my eyes and tried my hardest not to blink as I stared down at the water, now devoid of any bubbles. I don’t want to deal with this anymore. I really can’t take it. It didn’t bother me before, because back then I had my rock, my solid anchor, grounding me and stopping my mad spiral into reality.
Now I’m being sucked further and further down.

‘You gave me something that I didn’t have
But of no use’

I stared down at my hands. They were white and soft, with long slender fingers, angled palms and perfectly manicured nails. They were frail, and graceful, and altogether too girlish. I hate my hands. They lie.

I look closer. The points of my fingers are cracked and bruised, and there’s a shallow cut across the knuckle of my left hand. There’s dried blood under my nails that for the life of me I just could never get out.
These delicate hands have killed.
And will kill again.

‘I was too weak to give in
To strong to lose’

I rubbed my white eyes with the back of my hands. No matter how hard, I couldn’t erase the sight of the tanned legs wrapped around the pale waist, the blonde hair mingling with the shocking red, the pant and groans and the whispers of I love you…
The hand clutching the bed sheets, almost ripping the fabric; the back arching as climax was hit, the flop of another body on top of it, the arms reaching around holding them close. All captured with my perfect vision, sharp and fearsome even without the Byakugan.

I put my hand to my mouth and leaned over the edge of the bathtub.
The last of whatever food I had in my stomach spilled out, splattering against the tiles and the side of the tub.
My perfect vision captured all this.
Sometimes I wish I was blind.

‘My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose’
.
I’m seriously tired of this shit.
I suddenly yanked my curtain of brunette hair. I hated it. It took a hell of a long time just to get it to behave, and it only signified my ties to the clan. It was just another reminder, just another bar on my cage. The iron cage I had been locked in since my wretched birth sixteen years ago. Alas, poor mother, you died giving birth to vermin like me, and father, you suffered the same fate to protect me! I was right…

Fate is how I live my life.

It is my fate to be inferior.

It is my fate to be thrown aside.

Unlike Naruto, I lie down and allow people to walk all over me.

Unlike Naruto, I’m a good boy who let’s fate run the course of my screwed-up life.

‘My head is giving me life or death
But I can’t choose’

My pale, deceitful fingers reached for the knife at the side of my bathtub. I raked a thick amount of hair over my face, and when my vision was completely blocked I leant over (no sense in my getting hurt before it’s time) before cutting it to form bangs that reached the top of my eyes. So I could hide like the coward I was, whenever I didn’t want people to recognize me. Or rather, my eyes. Because all they see when they see any Hyuuga is the clan, the prestigious, righteous old money clan with roots in the foundation of Konohakagure itself. But I digress.
For I am nothing but a coward, always stepping back when things got difficult. The only time I ever showed some real backbone was during the Sasuke Retrieval mission, and that was only because I knew there was no way out of it.

It was fate.

But I am a coward. Even now.

For I am about to take the cowards way out, do not pass go, do not collect $100.

A get-out-of-jail-free card, if you wish.

‘I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse’

I brought the knife to the rest of my hair, my identity.

It’s sad when I am known only for a collection of dead skin cells on my scalp.

I sighed. Gathering my hair up in my hand, I felt the smooth strands run over it for one last time.

It made me sick.

I brought the knife to my hair and sliced.
A bar from my cave fell, ripped out by my eager impatient hands.
The only way to get out of a cage with no door…
Is to destroy the bars.
Thick chunks of brunette locks fell into the tub, fanning out on the surface. It tickled my chest, like the wet, clammy fingers of the dead, impatient for me to join their ranks and calling out to me to hurry up.
“Soon.”

‘Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?’

I didn’t realize I had spoken that aloud, and to wisps of hair too.

Well, at least I wasn’t expecting a reply.

I was melodramatic, not delusional.

I think.

I scooped the hair out of the tub to the side. It would all grow back after six months or so.

That was, if I had been staying alive to witness it.

Alas, such is not the case.

I sighed as I ran my fingers over the vein protruding in my wrist.
It was pretty, and pale blue.
I really should eat more, if my skin was so pale.
It pulsed beneath my fingers. I find veins very ironic.
Technically, they signify death, because they only carry oxygen-less blood cells.
Yet they are essential for life.

‘Has someone taken your faith?
It’s real, the pain you feel,’

I brought the knife to my wrist.

Then hesitated.

No, not now. I’m being a coward at cowardice, even!

I’m pathetic!! My god, how did I ever make it this far!

I hate myself! I hate myself! I hate myself!

Do I really?

Yes. Wait, no. Maybe?

No.

Maybe I hate you for breaking my heart.

God, I’m an idiot.

The knife settled against my skin again.

I’ll make you regret leaving me.

‘You trust, you must
Confess’


I sound like a crazy ex-girlfriend.

You were the crazy one.

But you were sweet.

And tender.

And nice.

And gentle.

And then you were obviously possessive.

Like… fire.

You can’t tame it. It warms you, and you thank it for that.

But get to close…

It burns.

And it’s unharmed, but you?

Left there sitting like a dumbass, nursing your wounds and astonished at your own dumbassery.

I swiftly drew the knife across both wrists.

‘Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Ooooooh oooh-ooh oooh-ooh ooh-ooooh ooooh’

Ouch.
That hurt.
‘But not as much as having a big-ass arrow shot through your shoulder and stomach, you pussy.’
Touché. Oh god, I’m arguing with myself now.

I need a drink.

The water sloshes as I lean over the edge of the tub, dragging my hands along the tile to find that bottle of Vodka I had stashed- ew.

I think that was my barf.

I stuck that hand in the tub, and actually leaned my lazy ass over the edge, looking for my precious alcohol.

Bingo.

I grab it and lean back.

The pain in my wrist has been reduced to a dull throbbing.

The water’s turning red.

Like the 1st plague of Egypt.

Interesting that I think that at a time like this, huh?

I look down at my chest and gently poke at a large purple bruise on my ribs.

At least it’s healing.

‘Has some taken your faith?
It’s real, the pain you feel,’

As I raised the bottle to take another swig, I noticed that my wrists were oozing blood in a steady pulse.

Spurt. Stop. Spurt. Stop.

So fast, the untrained eye wouldn’t catch it.

Well, I have Byakugan. That trumps regular eyesight, bitches .

The vodka burns my throat on the way down, pooling in my belly, spreading tingling warmth through the rest of my body.

I never could hold my liquor.

My head feels heavy.

Since when did I get so tired?

‘The life, the love, you’ve got to heal,
The hope, that starts, the broken hearts,’

I closed my eyes and lay back. The bottle of vodka remained tightly clutched in my hands though, and I tried to get some into my mouth only to spill half of it into my tub.

Do you have any idea how freakin’ expensive vodka is in Konoha??!!!

But despite my loss of vodka, the disturbing thing is that my arms are going numb.

I tried to open my eyes, but gave up and just lay back.

The tub was red as rose petals right now.

The bottle of vodka slipped from my hands and smashed against the tile.

I really didn’t care anymore.

‘You trust, you must,
Confess’

I heard a crash from beside me as someone had the balls to kick my door open.

While I was in the bath, no less!!!

I opened my eyes and blinked hard, trying to focus on the person in front of me. I couldn’t see shit.

Whoever it was ran over to me and began to lift me out of the tub.

I threw my head back and laughed.

Just laughed.

I knew I probably looked crazy, but I mean, it was funny!!!
Whoever this dude was, he came way too late.

Even if he did save me, my mind was already dead.

I was probably going to do this again.

I said the only way to get out of a cage with no bars was to destroy the bars?

I lied.

There’s one other way.

Destroy the thing within.

‘Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?’

((POV change now kthxbz))

I cursed under my breath, clutching at the slim piece of plastic and computer chips in my hand.
Neji wasn’t answering his cellphone.

Troublesome.

My feet thudded against the pavement, gravel everywhere. I skidded on some, but my body righted itself automatically and kept going.

My movements were completely mechanical as my mind frantically ran through the list of excuses Neji could have.

Um… crushed behind the fridge? Made king of Sweden? Died??!!

No news is good news, my ass. This was all so… troublesome.

‘I’ve got another confession my friend,
I’m no fool,’

I clambered up a rusty, creaking fire escape and crawled through Neji’s window.

Nothing.

The apartment was silent, except for the loud thudding of my wildly beating heart.

A very troublesome quiet.

I took a step forward, wincing as a floorboard creaked loudly, echoing through the quiet apartment.

Nope, still nothing.

I was running again, bursting through the bedroom, down the hallway, quick glance into the kitchen/ living room.

Nothing.

I heard glass shattering from somewhere behind me and spun around.

I doubled back to a closed door in the hallway before the bedroom and pressed my ear to it.

Sloshing water. Something thick and chucky splattering against tile. A gulp.

I tried the door, twisting the knob until it decided to break off.

Stupid cheap-ass doorknob.

Troublesome.

I back away to till my back hit the opposite wall, then charged forward, flinging my arms up to protect my face from the flying splinters as I busted through the door.

And looked up.

That was a terrible mistake. A terrible, troublesome mistake.

‘And I’m tired of starting again,
Somewhere new,’

“My god…” I put my hand to my mouth. There, in a small bathtub, lay Neji Hyuuga. His eyes were closed, his skin was pale...er, and a small trickle of vomit was dripping off his chin.

The water was red.

I lurched forward as soon as I noticed one of Neji’s hands, covered in slippery red blood and hanging near what looked like the remains of a glass bottle, the shards digging into the tips of his fingers.

‘Were you born to resist
Or be abused’

“What did you do to yourself?” I muttered under my breath.

Some genius I am.

A two-year-old could see what he did.

But why? What reason does he have?

Gaara.

Relationships are so… troublesome.

‘I swear I’ll never give in…
I refuse’

I swore under my breath.

Neji probably found out about Gaara and Naruto.

Even I knew, it was troublesomely obvious.

I sighed and dragged my hand through my hair, tugging on the knots a little.

Speaking of hair…

I turned to Neji.

His hair was… gone.

At least shorter.

Wait a minute.

He’s bleeding to death and I’m still standing here???!!!!

‘Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?’

I looked at Neji again. There was a large purple bruise on his ribs, and a few finger-shaped marks around his neck. I winced. He had sure taken a beating from somebody.

But who?

Certainly not Gaara. He may be crazy, but he’s actually a pretty nice guy. I could never see him doing that to someone.

This is all so troublesome.

‘Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel’

I bent over Neji, watching carefully as his eyes slid open slowly, ever so slowly, and he blinked repeatedly, obviously trying to discern who I was.

He couldn’t really focus, that was obvious.

I bent and slid my arms under Neji’s pale form, lifting him gently out of the water. He hung his head back and opened his mouth.

And did something that was so, so troublesome.

‘You trust, you must
Confess’

He laughed.

He laughed his head off, like he was crazy and having the time of his life.

It was terribly disturbing, to say the least.

Then he passed out, his thin frame going suddenly limp in my arms.

I sighed, then turned and ran out of the bathroom, careful not to jostle him even as I jumped over the splintered remains of his door, down the bare hallway, and out of his window into the cool night air.

I sucked in a breath, then jumped straight off the edge of the fire escape, knees bent to absorb the shock

‘Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh...’

I never remembered the trip to the ER to be so long.

The hospital was finally in sight, but didn’t seem to be getting any closer, and Neji’s pulse had dropped.

Dangerously.

I forced the muscles in my legs to work, even though they were screaming with the effort.

I burst through the doors and shouted for a doctor.

I needed one and needed one NOW.

Four of them came rushing towards me, gurney in tow.

As soon as Neji was lifted from my shaking finger-when ha that started?- I collapsed into a chair.

When seconds lumped into minute, which morphed into hours, I finally fell asleep, slumped into the tough plastic of the hospital seat.

Visions of blood and pure white lilies danced behind my eyes as I slipped into troubled slumber.
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Finished Saturday, May 31, 2008
11:07 pm.
13 pages.
Longest chapter I have ever written, cuz I made my minimum 10 pages. I was kinda afraid I’d have to merge the chapters a bit, but with a bit of careful tweaking, it made it.
PLEASE REVIEW. I need the motivation. My other stories will be updated soon.
Hope you enjoy the ride!
~Cupcake
p.s. I think the ending was kinda… eh.