Rumors

Rumors


By Mija


Disclaimer-Don’t own any of the characters of Naruto or Naruto itself, I make no money from this or anything else I write. One shot. Mentions of Male on Male relationships, cussing and if all goes well, a bunch of crack.

“Did you hear?” whispered the lady selling apples, to the lady who sold tomato’s.

“I heard that Hatake Kakashi was seen buying a WHOLE case of vasoline from the drugstore last night, then heading straight to Umino Iruka’s apartment, no one has seen the copy nin since, but they say that they saw Umino san leaving for the academy this morning limping.” said the apple woman with a conspiratorial tone to her voice as her whisper was not much of a whisper anymore. Anyone passing by could hear what she was saying clearly.

“NO!…you mean? Do you think?” came the gasped response from the tomato lady, who looked scandalized but who was relishing every juicy detail of fresh gossip.

“I am not saying they are having a ‘relationship’ or anything far be it for me to spread such ugly rumors, I’m just telling you what Misaka from the drugstore told me, and what Hino who lives across from Umino san’s apartment said.” replied the apple lady, putting much emphasis on relationship.

“I would never think that a respected man such as Umino san would be…you know? And to think that I once thought to introduce him to my cousin who lives in Water Country, and the man teaches our little ones, the Godaime should really do something about the people she has working for her and teaching our young ones.” stated the tomato lady looking angry and defiled, as if just thinking of a gay man teaching the village children was tainting her in some way.

“Oh I hear the Godaime-sama has her own worries to think about…did you hear that not more than six weeks ago the great Jiraiya sama was seen running from the Hokage’s private chambers butt naked? Tsunade hime could be heard yelling from here. And now I heard that her assistant Shizune san was seen leaving the herbal shop with all the makings of a homemade pregnancy test.”

“No! Not the Hokage! I mean is she not….old? And with the toad hermit? I heard that he can not even…well you know..perform….Riku from the hospital said he had heard that Jiraiya sama had gone to the doctors and came out very, very upset, mumbling something about not being able to get junior to stay awake long enough to finish the job.” added the tomato lady. Both women shook their heads in sympathy and chastisement.

Ino, who had been buying ginger from the stall next to the apple lady’s cart, had heard everything the two old biddies had said. Her first reaction was outrage. Who the hell did those two old geezers think they were talking about her old sensei Iruka like that? He was not gay, and if he was, he was still a damn good teacher and the village was lucky to have him. Besides, Iruka would have much better taste than to choose someone as freakish as Sakura’s sensei Kakashi.

But when she heard the one about Tsunade and Jiraiya she had to stop and take a moment to think. As she recalled Shizune san HAD come into the store looking for a very rare flower petal that COULD be used in a homemade pregnancy test. But was not Tsunade hime too old to have children? And if Jiraiya was impotent then how could he have gotten the great hokage pregnant much less have had sex with her. Just thinking of Naruto’s new sensei getting it on with Tsunade brought chills to her spine and she shuddered, walking away shaking her head to rid it of any traumatizing images.
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“Why are you limping?” came the lazy but amused tone of the copy cat ninja as he slunk into the kitchen window of Iruka’s apartment. He was dirty and streaked in blood, he had left late last night to do a quicky last minute mission to sand.

“Don’t you EVER use the door?” growled Iruka who put his palm at the small of his back and stretched, as he took his cup of tea to the table and sat down gingerly. His back was hurting something aweful and he had Kakashi to blame for it.

“Well someone sure is grouchy tonight.” came Kakashi’s drawl as he sat in a seat oppisite Iruka’s.

“So why are you limping again?”

“Well thank you so much for your concern bastard, I was only limping all day at the academy, and I have you to thank for it.” Iruka replied grumpily, shooting Kakashi with a hateful little glare.

“What did I do? I wasn’t even here and I haven’t even laid a single finger on you?” replied Kakashi with honest surprise.

“No but your stupid nin dog bit me in the ass.” Iruka stated hotly with a light blush of embarrasment dusting his cheeks.

“Which one?” Kakashi asked, his tone growing a bit cold. His dogs knew better than to bite anyone not a threat to them, and biting Iruka was NOT an option, EVER.

“Oh stop with the gloom and doom voice, he didn’t mean to, I accidentally pressed to hard on the pad of his back paw when I was applying that special ointment you got yesterday, and in instinct he snapped at me, it just so happens I was backing up to apologize and he ended up taking a nip out of my rear end.” Iruka explained, the dark cloud over Kakashi’s head had not disappeared but he didn’t look as if he was going to go hunt his nin dog down and do him harm, not that he would, Kakashi took real good care of his dogs and treated them better than he tended to treat himself.

“So Bull bit you?” was Kakashi’s only response.

“Oh behave, he was in terrible pain, I was not as gentle as I should have been, we both made a mistake, I did not mean to hurt him and he did not mean to hurt me, he was very apologetic after wards, he wouldn’t stop whining and licking my feet all night.”

“The ointment is very good by the way, but why did the box say vasoline on it? And why so much of it?” asked Iruka, recalling the wide eyed look he had given Kakashi when he had walked in with the case, with instructions of how to use it on his nin dog’s paw. The last time Kakashi and his nin dogs had been on a mission, poor Bull had run for two days non stop to get help for Kakashi, by the time help had come, poor Bull’s pads had been bleeding and raw from the non stop running on rocky terrain.

“That particular ointment is very expensive and hard to come by…I buy it in bulk up in Mist and have them ship it here labeled as Vasoline so the shop keepers and stock boys don’t get a bit handsy with it, I like to use it regularly on all my dogs pads after every mission regardless if they are hurting or not, it makes them feel good.” explained Kakashi, a little pink coloring the little patch of skin beneath his visable eye and above his covered cheek. He had no shame in taking good care of his dogs, but sometimes he could get a bit OVER zealous with his dogs.

“By the way, do you know there is a rumor about us going around?” Iruka added, taking a sip of his tea and scoothing in his chair a bit to lessen the ache in his injured ass cheek.

“Really? Is it juicy?” Kakashi asked with a glint in his eye and what could only be described as a smirk underneath his mask.

“Your incorrigible, you know that?”

“So I’ve been told, so what is the rumor?”

“Well apparently someone saw you leaving the drugstore with all that ointment labeled vasoline and come into my house, they did not know you had used the kitchen window last night to leave for your mission and that the ointment was for your dogs, they also saw me leaving this morning with that limp which came from the small love bite Bull gave me last night…put two and two together and figure out what everyone thinks happened here last night.” related Iruka with barely contained laughter. It was too funny when you thought about it. Did they honestly think that he and Kakashi had spent the whole night screwing each other senseless? And if they had, who used that much vasoline? It was ridiculous really.

“Really? What did they think we would do with all that vasoline in one night? If it had indeed been vasoline that is…..slather it all over each other, and the rest of the apartment? No one uses that much vasoline, at least no one I’ve come across and I’ve come across a lot of perverts in my life.”

“This coming from the biggest pervert around, second to Jiraiya sama that is.”

“So is that all the rumor says?” Kakashi asked, he looked a bit disappointed.

“Well except that they believe that a man who sleeps with another man, should not be a teacher to the village young ones…oh and Ino thinks that I could do much better than you by the way.”

“HEY!”

“Her words not mine.”

“So the village thinks your gay and that we are in a relationship? And you shouldn’t be teaching children who will grow up to be killers because you are gay?”

“That about sums it up and don’t forget that Ino thinks that I could do much better than your lazy ass.” Iruka replied with laughter soon following, he couldn’t help it, it was hilarious and he hadn’t told Kakashni the best part, although seeing the disgruntled look upon his face was really, really funny and so worth it, he would have to thank Ino for thinking so highly of him, but remind her that Kakashi was not such a bad guy and Iruka could actually do much worse….the thought of Mitzuki flashed through his mind and he shook his head to rid him of unpleasant memories.

“Me and that Yamanaka girl are going to have to have a talk.”

“Don’t you dare threaten any of my students.”

“She is no longer your student.”

“Doesn’t matter, I will cause you painful bodily harm if you so much as go near her….besides it could not be worse than what poor Ino had to endure when she accidentally told Tsunade about the OTHER rumor going around.” Iruka stated as another shiver ran up his spine at the mere thought of it, and the damage Tsunade had done when she had heard that particular rumor, he could of sworn that the top of Hokage tower would pop off the building like a cork with all the foul language being filled in that room.

“What other rumor?”

“Well it appears that when discussing OUR choice of sexual preference, they questioned Tsunade’s choices in having a gay man teaching the children, but it was expected that Tsunade might night be aware of what was going on since she had her own worries to think about.“

“What worries? Apparently the last time Jiraiya sama was here a few weeks ago, he took the liberty of using Tsunade’s private bath to clean up, when Tsunade came in and found him in her room, he sped out of there with nothing but a grin on, to avoid being pummeled to death…..and a few days ago Shizune was at the apothecary getting some medicinal herbs for Tsunade, and one of the many combinations of those herbs, apparently has the ability to tell a woman if she is expecting a child or not….they did not stop to think that if Tsunade hime was actually pregnant, she could find out herself by using her own chakra to tell her so….in their minds if Shizune san was getting those particular herbs then Tsunade must be pregnant from Jiraiya, since he was the only unclothed male in her vicinity about the time it would take to conceive a child.”

“Your kidding me right? That has got to be the biggest piece of bull shit I have heard in ages.” Kakashi replied with a frown.

“Oh and it gets better, apparently Jiraiya was seen in a hospital asking the doctor for something to keep ’junior’ up long enough to finish what he started……..so of course many now think the perverted sage is impotent.”

“What? Jiriaya’s not impotent.”

“No, hes not from what Naruto tells me, the man is the biggest womanizer in all Fire Country and then some.”

“So what’s all this about junior and it not functioning properly?”

“What Jiraiya had said was how the hell was he supposed to keep junior awake long enough to finish the job, he was referring to Naruto unfortunately, he’s been training Naruto hard and Naruto is finding it hard to stay awake most days and finish his training before falling asleep in the middle.”

“I swear, Hokage sama should write a law that forbids anyone from spreading such stupid rumors, if caught the culprit should be executed on site.” Kakashi responded with a bit of anger in his tone. Iruka didn’t blame him.

“I know how you feel, but look at it this way Kakashi…with all the other rumors, the rumor about me and you became lost in the back round……so no one’s really paying attention to that particular rumor, funny how getting some ointment for your dog and me taking care of him while you went on a mission turned into this huge little rumor.”

“Ya. Bet it was Misaka from the drugstore who started that rumor, she’s been hitting on me every time I go in there and gets her panties in a twist when I tell her I’m not interested, bet you pakkun she was the one who started it all.”

“She’s been hitting on you? And how long has this been going on?” Iruka asked with a raised brow.

“Jealous?”

“Not really, I should be a little grateful to her after all, its been how long? A year now and no ones once suspected that we’ve been screwing each others brains out, but one let down and a box full of vasoline and the rumors fly….there could be worse ways for our relationship to come out.”

“Speaking of which, I’ve missed you.“ stated Kakashi giving Iruka a hungry lust filled gaze, Iruka smiled sadly.

“Sorry love, but my ass hurt and there is no way in hell your getting near it till the wound is thoroughly healed.”

“I’m gonna castrate Bull.” Kakashi grumbled, looking put out, Iruka laughed, knowing he would never do such a thing.

Iruka pondered on how rumors got started and how close some of them actually got to being true. But the majority of the time….they were just stupid. People who started rumors should be shot on site.


Ya it sucked, sorry. But any suggestions would be much appreciated, I was thinking of doing a few more one shots along the rumors line, just with different characters from the Naruto gang. What do you think? Huggles and smiles Mija