Please Don’t

Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto. Don't own, don't make money. It's merely for my own amusement.


Title: Please
Don’t
Genre: Angst/Romance
Characters:
Kakashi, Iruka (kakairu)
Rating: T

Not
again. Please, not again…

Both men stood,
their silence palpable, the air suffocating. An open apartment door
somehow mocking. Shimmering chocolate brown eyes stared blearily over
a slender pale shoulder. His apartment complex was grey. Everything
was grey, and beige, and empty. Iruka forced his eyes shut, willing
unshed tears to keep away.

Kakashi fidgeted in
the hallway, blatantly staring at his sandals and frowning. He
couldn’t bring himself to meet those dark orbs for fear the man
was crying. He didn’t want to know if he was - if he had caused
it. He curled his fingers into a tight fist wondering why his hands
were so clammy, why his knees buckled with every attempt to speak.

They both knew what
was coming because it kept happening.

It was simple, they
were no good for each other. They had to stop… this, it,
everything. It all had to end before people noticed the danger. Iruka
had tried to end it last time, Kakashi before that. They took turns,
like a game that was so wrong they didn’t know what was right.
Iruka had tried last time, so it was Kakashi’s turn again.

He pulled his gaze
from the ground to finally, finally stare into the eyes of his…
of Iruka-sensei. Swallowing, he broke the silence.

“This isn’t
going to work, is it?” Please, please don’t answer
Ruka-love.

“Not like
this, no.” I can’t do this. Not again.

“Maybe,”
Kakashi’s eyes flickered for a moment. “Maybe one day
we’ll get it right?” I will, I promise.

Iruka smiled,
broken. “I don’t know if I can wait that long,
Kakashi-sensei.” Liar!

“I can.”
I’ll never stop.

“Kakashi…”
Please stop. We have to do this. I can’t do this.

“…” I’ll
never stop trying.

Iruka fought the
fine tremble coursing through his body.

He choked. “…
How long?” I’m not worth it.

“ ‘Til
my last breath; ‘til we make every mistake; ‘til there‘s
nothing left but us.” I wish there was more. You deserve
more. I should let you go, I know I should, but I won’t. I
can’t.

Iruka tried to laugh
it off.

“Then I really
can’t wait that long,” Liar!

“Am I so bad,
Iruka-sensei?” Yes. I know I am. You deserve better.

“The worst.”
Iruka sighed. But I still…

“I’ll
still be here. I’ll always be here trying, and waiting.”
Kakashi’s gaze fell back on his sandals. “I know I’m
- I’m no good for you sensei. I’m a wreck of jounin
eccentricities and ANBU instability. I may even be incapable of…
And with what happened today, when I had a choice?” He turned
his eye back upon the man before him. “There was no choice.
There was only you. So we have to - we’re a danger to everyone.
I know. But it doesn’t - I - I won’t stop.” I
can’t give up on this, on us. Even if that means…

Iruka’s lips
quirked into a small, sad smile.

“Possessive
bastard.” My possessive bastard. Always mine. Please, always
be mine.

“Only of you,
sensei.” Kakashi grinned. Always you, sensei.

Smiles faltered.

Iruka glanced back
into his apartment. “I have to go…” I‘ve
got classes tomorrow. I won’t make it through if we… We
have to stop this. I have to stop this.

“Yeah, okay.”
Please, don’t.

Iruka lingered a
moment longer, hand bracing the doorframe for support, his bottom lip
swollen red from uncertain gnawing. In the end, his eyes turned away
before his feet. Please don’t let me go, Kakashi-love.

Kakashi threw a
glance at the ceiling as though expecting answers, support,
something.

Oh screw it.
“Wait! I - uh - well…”

Thank Kami.
“You won’t let go, will you Kakashi-sensei?”

“Never.”
Never, never, never, never…

“Meet me here
tomorrow after classes finish.” Iruka’s eyes shone
brilliant with relief. “We’ll have lunch.” He
paused, small playful smile tugging his lips. “Don’t be
late.”

--x--x--x--x--x--

Closing his door,
Iruka collapsed against it, a barrier between him and his world. His
eyes were screwed shut, unwilling to look at anything but the
blinding darkness as small sobs racked his body. They weren’t
good for each other - they weren’t safe for their village. He’d
suspected, a nagging tickle at the nape of his neck. But today it had
been proven. They’d each been forced to choose, and they’d
both chosen wrong.

Iruka fell forward
on his knees; elbows, hands and face flat against the linoleum. The
enemy was dead, their secret safe. No one knew, no one had to know.
But eventually, someone would. Someone would see the way they
interacted, the way they lingered in contact and sight a little
longer then necessary. Someone would discover their loyalties,
redefined.

It couldn’t
last.

But… Iruka
smiled. Kami he’s a stupid possessive jounin. My stupid
possessive jounin. And damn you, but I can’t remember any other
way to be then yours.

--x--x--x--x--x--

Kakashi’s legs
had given out before the transportation jutsu smoke even cleared. He
stayed that way, sprawled on his back in his apartment, gasping for
air. Hot liquid ran down his cheek, hitai-ate sodden, and he realized
Obito was crying, fear filled. For once, he couldn’t hate him
for it. Gods, we almost… Kakashi tore the mask from his
face, sucking in the unobstructed air.

He knew it couldn’t
last. He knew they were no good for each other. He knew to have
anything that even remotely resembled a normal shinobi relationship,
he had to stop being the bastard. Iruka had to stop panicking. Death
was inevitable and questioning orders could easily be seen as
treason. If they wanted their relationship to work, they had to stop
loving. Want, even compassion, was okay. But love was tearing them
apart.

The village had to
come first.

But…
Kakashi smiled. I’ll die without you. I need you, just you.
I can’t be their machine again. I won’t. Tell me sensei,
when did I become so irrevocably yours?

--x--x--x--x--x--

We’re no
good for each other. But… Mutual smiles widened. Konoha
be damned.

--x--x--x--x--x--

If you want to read the
follow up One-shot that was requested for this fic, check out my story
“Six Years”