Not Quite As It Seems

TY to the lovely Drivven for putting up with this and my insanity. *Hugs*

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

I remember being in the worst kind of pain imaginable, now me being a ninja, that’s saying something. I couldn’t breath and I couldn’t tell if the pain I was feeling was in my back or in my abdomen, and I was begging anyone and everyone to just KILL ME. Yes I wanted the pain to end that

badly.



Iruka stood beside me rubbing my back and telling me to breath while I was crushing his poor hand. Tsunade would pop in once and awhile to check on me and to see how things were progressing. My lover, and I use this term very very loosely right about now, is wisely standing far away from me. He knows that if he comes near me I will happily rip off his most precious asset.



I feel water gushing from between my legs… it feels like I have just pissed myself, just gross. I regret, with every fiber of my being, what I did next; I lifted the sheet to ‘see’ just how wet I had gotten everything. WHERE THE FUCK IS MY PENIS?!? Oh wait… I can’t see it over my rounded stomach, why is my stomach so large? I feel a, not so gentle, kick there, shit… I’M PREGNANT AND GIVING BIRTH! How could this happen to me? I am a MAN! OK this is just a joke, it has to be, so I reach down to make sure my manly pride is still there… as I touch where it should be I realize that my earlier panic was fully necessary. There was a slick hole where my penis once had been. I swore to Kami that I would kill Kakashi, once he was close enough, for doing this to me.



Tsunade came rushing in and started to check ‘that’ place and announced that it was time for me to push. Push? The bitch wants me to push…well fuck her, I want to know where my penis went! I am in mourning for my penis!



My body then decided to be traitorous and not let me have my time of mourning. FUCK! I had thought the pain before was bad, that was nothing. I had felt that ‘hole’ just a bit ago, it was no bigger than a grape… and now I was expected to push something the size of a watermelon out. Oh hell no… fuck that, get me away from here right now! I scream as what I can only describe as a bowling ball pushes it’s way past my once tiny hole.



Wonderful, not only do I have to mourn my penis, I now have to mourn over the fact that the hole that was once small will now be a gaping black hole. Well isn’t that lovely. Why women want to go through this process more than once is beyond me. No wait… why they would want to go through it at all eludes me to this day. Tsunade was yelling at me to push again. Surely it wouldn’t be held against me for killing her... would it?



I close my eyes and scream loudly as I give one final push. As all the pain finally leaves me my eyes pop open in relief. I look around and blinked stupidly. What the hell had just happened? I pull back the cover and see my flat stomach and glory bless whoever smiled upon me MY PENIS! Halleluiah I am still a man!



I hear a chuckle from the corner and look over to see Kakashi and his sharingan swirling madly. That FUCKER!



"Ka-Ka-Shi!” I hissed as I glared at him.



"Meh meh, calm down Naruto. You said that you were curious about child birth so I let you experience it,” the copy-nin said proudly.



I don’t really recall what I did to him after that. I do remember having several ANBU members pulling me off of him. Once I told Tsunade the full story she agreed that no charges would be pressed against me, it was Kakashi’s own fault after all. She also said he would be in the hospital for about four months. Every time I have gone to visit him he has been protected by ANBU and hands me a dozen roses. Maybe one day I will forgive him… maybe.



~fin~

Oh Come on! I wouldn’t ever really make Naruto pregnant… now Sasuke…