sayonara

I had never seen this large man before. Imagining him knowing, let alone being friends with my beautiful and tender husband was alien to me. I held the scroll in my hand as I closed the door to our home. Correction my home now. As the door shut the tears finally started to fall. At first they came one by one as my hand clamped tighter around what I knew was a final message from the only person I had ever loved. As the sobs finally became audible I fell to my knees and just let the grief take over. I have no idea how long I stayed kneeling on the very intricate rug that was his present to me for our first anniversary. I stared at the scroll and had an inner debate with myself about opening it, when the man’s words came flooding back to me, “I’m sorry, but, he made me promise to get this to you no matter what. Even dead I’m still afraid of the bastard.” I supposed that if it was that important to my husband, I should open it.
Well here goes nothing,

My Love,
I’m sorry. You know that I’ve never been good with words, but, I find that I can’t stop them now, they are flooding my mind. I want to be with you so bad that it hurts. I want to whisper in your ear that I love you. If you are reading this then I guess that what I want will never be. There are a few things that you need to know that I should’ve told you sooner. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I know that I have said it so many times that you are rolling your eyes, but I really mean it. I never thought that love was something I was allowed to have. I always figured it was for others, but never me. Until I met you. You thawed my heart in an instant. I had never felt the feelings that I felt when I was with you, and for that alone I should thank you, but there are so many other things that you have given me, things that I never deserved. Love, Passion, Truth, Tenderness, but most important were, Peace and Hope. In my entire life, I‘d never felt peace until I lay in your arms on our wedding night. That was my first complete night of sleep. Ever. You gave me my first glimmer of hope the moment you said “I do”.
Even after you said that you would marry me, I didn’t believe you would go through with it. Then, I knew you were my salvation as we stood in front of that scared old man and you spoke the two most beautiful words ever spoken in my presence and you said them to me. Then you kissed me. You possessed me heart and soul at in that instant. I knew that I would die for you when I first met you, but, when you said “I do” you made me decide to live for you instead. Then you leaned into me and asked if I believed you now? You knew all along that I didn’t have faith in you, and Kami-sama love you, you had enough for us both. I don’t know if you knew it or not but from that small statement I never doubted you again. These past 4 years have been everything to me. I hate all the time that I’ve spent away from you, doing things that I began to hate myself for. I hope you never know the extent of what I was capable of, however, I need you to know that I was trying to find a way out. I was in too deep because of decisions that I made when I was young, when I thought that was what I was born to do. If I had known that I would find you and all of the things that you have given to me, I never would’ve done any of it. I’m sorry, my love. I can blame no one but myself, I just hope that you’ll eventually forgive me. Nothing means more to me than how you see me. Please know that I truly tried be the man you had faith in.
I need you to do a few things for me. First, remember me as I was when I was with you, because that became the real me. Everything else was the facade. I need you to take care of yourself, eat right and get your rest. I know you didn’t know it when it happened, but, I did. I would’ve loved our child as much as I love you, you must believe that. I need you to tell him or her about their father and make sure that he or she knows that I loved them from the second they were conceived.
Now for the unemotional me. There is a man in my old village that I want you to contact when our child comes in to their powers. If you don’t our child will be confused and scared of him or herself. I have sent him word and even though we fought each other more than once, I have faith that he is the only one who will see the truth. He will help, and he is a good man, you can trust him with your life and our child’s. Baby, please know that I would give even my soul to be with you and our child, but, since I sold that a long time ago I’ll have to watch over you in spirit.
Now, for the hard part. I want you to move on and find love again. Don’t shake your head at me. Your happiness is more important than mine now. Please find love again and be at peace. I will be waiting for you in the after life but I don’t think we’ll be going to the same place. I again have hope, hope that your love has made me a man worthy of walking through eternity with you, but, I don’t know if even my love for you is enough to forgive my sins.
I need you to forgive my brother. I know that you can’t understand that request, but he has witnessed all of my evil and none of what I was after you. He doesn’t know that I changed, he doesn’t know that I finally realized that I could love him. Please don’t blame him, I made this choice for him a long time ago.


My beautiful wife, I love you with all my heart and soul. I want you to live life as you taught me to. Stay true to yourself my love. I will always love you, never forget that. I hate to say this but it is time for me to say Sayonara, my love.
Your husband,
Itachi


My eyes are unable to focus as the tears well in them. I let the scroll gently float to the floor as my body starts to quake. It begins with small tremors and progresses in to wracking sobs with sheets of tears rolling down my face. I rock myself in a slow back and forth motion as I fight the nausea from the pregnancy and the grief. The hours pass without my knowledge, as does the thunderstorm raining torrents outside. Finally the nausea gets the best of me and I stumble to the bathroom and empty the contents of my stomach. I slump to the tile floor as the grief controls my body once more.