Matchmaker

Summary: Naruto’s been hired by the Sand Siblings to find Gaara a mate. Too bad no one bothered to mention Gaara’s gender preference. Sand-bondage ensues.

Pairing: Gaara/Naruto/Gaara/Naruto because I believe in equal opportunity humping.

Warnings: Minor spoilers for after the time skip. Foul language. Butt smex. Blow Jobs. Voyeurism. Solo. Sand-bondage (if I can figure it out).


Matchmaker
Chapter 1

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Naruto eyed the slender brunette across the table thoughtfully, taking in her sun kissed skin, deep brown eyes, and ample curves with a critical gaze. The woman was undeniably attractive. Hell, she probably gave off enough pheromones to knock out a two-ton elephant.

The blond glanced over her resume one more time, lips tugging down almost imperceptibly. Her shinobi credentials were impeccable; top of her class, an ANBU captain by the age of nine. She was perfect, except for the very pissed off scowl marring her face… and the fresh gash above her left eyebrow.

“If he doesn’t want a fucking wife, why the hell did he put up the goddamn notice in the first place?” she demanded, voice tight with barely restrained fury. At least she seemed to handle the rejection better than the others.

Naruto cleared his throat awkwardly. “It’s not that he doesn’t want a wife so much as he doesn’t want her to *touch* him.”

It wasn’t like Naruto hadn’t seen the attack coming— he’d dodged the shuriken after all— but the least he could do was give Akane-san the satisfaction of a well placed punch to his face.

“I take it Gaara rejected the latest proposal,” Temari commented dryly as the irate kunoichi stalked out Naruto’s impromptu office.

The Kohona ninja rubbed his jaw gingerly. “You could say that.”

Temari pushed down a masochistic grin as she propped herself up against the office doorframe. She’d been on her way to deliver the latest surveillance reports to Special Ops when Gaara’s newest prospect nearly rammed into her. The blonde kunoichi considered the top-secret folder in her hand, then the angry bruise forming on Naruto’s face before crossing the threshold. Special Ops could wait, this seemed much more entertaining.

“Still no luck?” she asked unsympathetically as she fell into the rickety chair opposite Naruto’s desk.

Naruto shot her a weak glare as he shuffled through the remaining applicant pool. The blond had been in Suna nearly four months now and he still seemed no closer to completing the assignment than he had been at the outset. And he’d been so certain that this task would be a cakewalk when he’d first heard the details.

Sure, the fact that Temari had given the mission an S rank probably should have tipped him off that finding Gaara a mate wasn’t going to particularly easy. But *come on*. Standing at 5’10 with his rusty red hair, creamy complexion, and bright green eyes, Gaara might as well have had “fuck me” stamped on his forehead instead of “love”. Hell, even Naruto caught himself stealing peaks at his friend’s tantalizing ass and taut biceps whenever the opportunity presented itself. The man had brooding down to a science and if there was anything growing up with Uchiha Sasuke had taught him, it was that nothing attracted the ladies like a dark and brooding bishonen. Being the fifth Kazekage didn’t hurt either, especially now that he no longer housed Shukaku.

Naruto knew all this going in, yet for some reason he had assumed that finding someone willing to date Gaara would be the challenge. Then again, he hadn’t acquired the title “dead last” for being quick on the uptake.

Temari rolled her eyes as she watched the Kyuubi vessel shuffle through the mountain of applications on his desk. One might think the little blond idiot would notice the solution staring him in the face, but Kohona’s best wasn’t necessarily it’s brightest. Usually she wasn’t one to meddle, but she’d already contracted someone to find her baby brother a lover, what was another drop in the bucket? “Did you ever consider that maybe Gaara doesn’t want a wife?”

Naruto’s head snapped up. “Eh?”

“Gaara. Maybe he’s rejecting all your candidates because he’s not interested in finding a wife.”

Blue eyes narrowed dangerously. “If he’s not interested, then what the hell am I doing here?”

Temari reached across the desk and smacked the blond upside the head with her fan “No, I mean maybe he’s not interested in *female* companionship,” she hissed. “Goddamn idiot.”

The jinchuuriki blinked at her owlishly. “You mean you never *asked* him?”

Temari gave him a Look. “I never had a death wish, no.”

“Oi! Why the hell didn’t you mention that when you asked me to find him a wife in the first place?” Naruto demanded. A large part of him wanted to storm into the Kazekage’s office right then, throw Gaara against a wall, and demand to know why he’d allowed him to continue looking for a wife when the damned red head was more interested in a husband. Or a boyfriend, at the very least. Still, Naruto knew none of this had been Gaara’s idea, and so he settled for sticking an accusing finger in Temari’s face.

“We didn’t ask you to find him a wife,” she pointed out diplomatically, shoving the finger away. “We asked you to find him a *mate*, preferably for life. You assumed.”

“God damn it!” Naruto cried pitifully, dropping his head onto the desk with a heavy thunk. “Why didn’t he say something earlier?”

Temari rolled her eyes at the other ninja’s dramatics. “I said 'maybe', you moron. Don’t jump to conclusions.”

Naruto visibly deflated under the force of her glare. “You could have mentioned this earlier, you know,” he mumbled into the mounds of paper. All that effort, wasted. “I thought you wanted him paired off as soon as possible.”

“I want him happy as soon as possible. And I want the nightmares to stop. That’s why we hired you.”

Naruto lifted his head, fire back in his eyes. “Yeah, what about those nightmares anyway? I’ve been here four months and he hasn’t had any yet. What gives?” Not that the blond wanted his friend to suffer more psychological trauma or anything. Actually that was the main reason he’d agreed to the harebrained assignment in the first place. Reports of the recovering Kazekage waking up from particularly horrific night terrors trembling and speaking of ‘Mother’ and her insatiable bloodlust made Naruto’s veins run cold. No, he definitely preferred not to witness that. Still, it was the principle of the thing. What good was saving a friend who didn’t need saving?

“They’re gone for now, apparently.”

Blue eyes squinted at the kunoichi suspiciously. “They disappeared? Just like that?”

“Just like that.” Temari nodded. “But if it makes you feel better, he’s still lashing out with the sand uncontrollably.”

Well, that was true. Gaara had a nasty habit of letting loose with the sand when people got too close.

Naruto winced. “I noticed.” Especially since Gaara’s prospective wives took their displeasure out on him when it happened.

“I’d hoped your training sessions would have shown some results by now,” Temari commented, eying Naruto as if it was personally his fault that Gaara’s sand defenses remained more or less instinctual.

“Oi! We’ve gotten to arm touching already!” he defended hotly. An hour a day of physical contact, usually as benign as sitting next to each other, and that was the most progress they’d made in four months. Why the sand siblings included it as part of the mission, Naruto didn’t know. To get their money’s worth, he supposed.

“Well, I can’t complain too much. That’s the only thing keeping Kankuro from buying him a hooker.” Temari sneered at the absent puppeteer in undisguised contempt. That idiot seemed to think all Gaara’s problems could be solved with a ‘good hard fuck’.

“That might not be a good idea anyway.” Naruto replied warily. The uncontrollable sand aside, Gaara wasn’t wrapped too tight emotionally. Who knew how he’d react to sex?

“No kidding.”

Naruto ran a hand through his blond spikes as he considered Temari’s suggestion. He really hoped the kunoichi was off the mark on this, and not just because 4 months of labor hung in the balance.

For some reason, the idea of finding Gaara a wife was easier to swallow than finding him husband… boyfriend… thing. It wasn’t that Naruto disapproved of those types of relationships. Hell, Kakashi and Iruka-sensei fucked like bunnies and the blond had no problem watching Kakashi cop a feel at dinner whenever Naruto came over. Actually, it was pretty hot. Naruto himself had experimented extensively with his clones over the years. He’d even indulged in a few fantasies involving himself and one prickly Uchiha.

But finding Gaara another man to share his life with just didn’t sit well in the blond’s stomach. Still, who was Naruto to deny his friend happiness? “I guess I better ask him about this then,” he sighed. After all, he had a job to do and until he had some more information his hands were tied.

Temari bit back a smirk. “I’ll warn the medics for you.” Even for someone with tact, asking Gaara about his sexual preferences could be dangerous. By her estimation, only Naruto’s amazing reflexes and demonic healing powers would keep her baby brother from actually killing him.

“Thanks.”


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A/N: Sorry about the formatting. AFF wouldn't upload my .txt file so I had to copy and paste this without any of the bells and whistles like italics. Some might say I suck at technology, but I say technology sucks at me.

Also, I fear part of the dialog might have read like this sometimes:

Naruto: Hey, Temari.
Temari: Hi, Naruto.
Naruto: So I'm just going to skip straight to the plot and gloss over the obvious plot holes because the author is too lazy to think of natural dialog. You cool with that?
Temari: Whatever.

If you felt it read like this, rest assured it's just your imagination. I, uh, promise to include sand-bondage later if you promise to ignore my clumsy storytelling.