Not Quite Housebroken

Not Quite Housebroken

A/N: I thought I was done when I wrote the American Idol crossover...and then I switched channels ;)

P.S.- I love reviews!

“So you stole my new hire.” Wilson did not look as amused as he usually did. “Why exactly did you do that?”

House just shrugged and snatched his tennis ball out of the air. The new three were sitting in the next door office, just visible through the blinds as they stared angrily at each other. He’d never seen such horrible workspace tension in his life. Putting them all on one team was like throwing three starving pitbulls in a locked room. House was just waiting for one of them to lunge. Still, from ducklings to pitbulls…that was an improvement, wasn’t it?

“I’ll let you borrow him every once in a while.” House allowed gracefully, “Because we’re friends.”

The new hire in question yelled something that made Wilson wince, and then lunged across the table at House’s new brain specialist, and Wilson said, “Yeah, okay. That sounds good.” Right as the table overturned and Miss Pink Thing started screeching in a voice she most certainly did not use during her interview.

“Are all oncologists full of secret rage?” House asked as the blond punched the sprawled brunette in the face.

“He was really good with the kids,” Wilson said, looking confused.

House threw his tennis ball at the dividing window, trying to get some attention, but the thump was ill timed and the sound of Blondie getting smacked in the head with a hardbound Grey’s pretty much drowned out the noise. Props to blondie, though, he didn’t go down at once, just sort of swayed dazedly as Mr. Tragic Past crawled up off the floor.

Miss Pink Thing latched on to TragPast’s arm and he gave her a look like he had a reason for keeping that enormous book in his hands.

“Cuddy’s going to kill you.” Wilson said slowly, “Seriously, what were you thinking?”
Blondie finally made it to a sitting position with a groan, holding a hand to his head, and TragPast sighed deeply, dropped his book and took a small pocket flashlight out.

“That’s why.” House murmured as Sasuke took hold of Naruto’s chin and flashed the light in his eyes. Sakura sent a furious stare their way but started putting the room back together with quick efficiency. She wasn’t as much of a looker as Cameron was, but she was considerably less of a bleeding heart, so that had balanced out nicely. It was also helpful that she had a nearly encyclopedic knowledge of infectious diseases.

Sasuke had been top of his class and planned on someday using his vast medical knowledge to kill and then quietly dispose of his brother’s corpse, and had admitted that fact with very little prompting. That had given House a good giggle.

And Naruto…well, House was doing Wilson a favor really. If they were put in close quarters some sort of mind meld would happen and Oncology would be run by a twistedly empathetic, short-tempered saint. Plus, Naruto would probably steal all of Wilson’s nurses with that cute little grin he had sent House’s way when he told House very clearly, to shut his face or prepare to become much more intimate with his cane. That had been scary for about five seconds and then even funnier than the fratricide thing when House’s self-destructive tendencies finally overwhelmed the fight or flight.

Sasuke wasn’t any worry for Wilson’s impressionable nurses. He’d spent nearly an hour with Cuddy and never once took a peek at perky one or perky two. That kid was as gay as the day was long. If he pulled any nurses into a dark corner it wouldn’t be any loss to the heterosexual dating pool.

For once it looked as if House wouldn’t even have to scheme for entertainment. Just leave the pitbulls alone for a little while and they’d make their own mayhem. All House would have to do is lie back and watch the-

Naruto muttered something and Sasuke gave the concussed man another thump with a highly metal flashlight.

Naruto slumped to the ground.

“I think that’s your cue.” Wilson said dryly as Sakura walked over and slammed her fist into Sasuke’s skull. Obviously the honey-moon period of her secret romance was over.

Sakura shook her hand out with a hiss and Sasuke joined Naruto on the ground in a big pile of tangled limbs.

House got out his camera.

****

“If I die,” House made sure to enunciate, “You’re fired.”

Naruto rolled his eyes and leaned against the wall.

“Oh please, as if I haven’t heard that one before.”

House took a private moment to curse Oncologists and their apparent immunity to the crushing profoundness of death.

“You are no longer my favorite.” House growled. Naruto snorted and checked his watch.

“It’s not like you’re being mauled by mountain lions or something.”

“It could be worse,” Their patient agreed, pressing the scalpel far, far too close to House’s jugular. “Anyways, chicks dig scars.”

“Tru dat.” Naruto and the crazed, hostage-taking, dying guy shared a laugh. House began to form a hypothesis on why Naruto was always good with psychotics and the grief-stricken. Even Wilson, boy wonder, had never managed to get his patients excited about chemo. Of course he probably hadn’t really tried either.

“You better be right about this.” Cuddy hissed, sending a worried glance his way. Naruto gave her a little smile that House distinctly remembered seeing in the mirror only a few days ago.

“Well, I’m not wrong.” Naruto assured her.

Outside in the hall the gaggle of law enforcement milled and chattered together, seemingly up in whatever harebrained scheme Uzumaki had concocted. Even the hostage negotiator was just sitting around, drinking a cuppa while Wilson and the rest of pitbulls peered nervously through the sea of bodies. Well, Wilson and Sakura looked nervous. Sasuke just looked a little constipated. House was starting to miss the ducklings, as much as it pained him to admit it; at least they had cared about job security.

“About those pictures-” Naruto started as a round of surprised gasps went through the crowd, “I’m gonna want the negatives.”

And then the crowd parted, law enforcement officials looking like landed fish as a young red-haired man stepped into the room, blinking under the glare of the fluorescent lights. House would have guessed he was a patient under any other circumstances considering the man’s bone white skin, and the deep black beneath his eyes, but then the readhead sighed deeply, looked at Naruto and said, “Please tell me this isn’t about blackmail.”

“Nope.” Naruto grinned back and gestured over to where House was having a long, drawn out life or death experience. It didn’t really compare to last one. “I’d very much appreciate if you could call your boy off my boss though, Gaara. Some of us have an honest living to make.”

Gaara sighed again, peered their way, and then frowned as if finally noticing the whole knife/jugular exchange that was going on. House gave him a little wave hello and was ignored.

“Baki,” Gaara’s peer turned into a glare, and Houses captor began to tremble, the stink of sweat almost overpowering. House desperately hoped there wouldn’t be any other body fluids getting involved.

“Y-yes?” It seemed that something finally managed to pierce through the man’s delusional fantasies as the two stared at each other. Behind them everyone seemed to be holding their breaths, and Sasuke finally looked a little interested, staring at the newcomer like he was a particularly colorful festering wound.

“Let the Doctor go,” Gaara’s voice went soft, “Or I’ll kill you.”

Baki dropped the scalpel.

“I told you so,” Naruto smirked over his shoulder at Sasuke who rolled his eyes and then nodded grudgingly, digging into his pocket to hand Naruto a fistful of twenties.

“You too, Haruno,” Sasuke glared at her and she handed over another discrete bill, having enough grace to give House a cringing glance beforehand.

House hopped away so that the nice officers could dog-pile his kidnapper. Cuddy and Wilson gaped at the kids.

“I can’t believe-” Cuddy gasped.

“How could you-” Wilson’s mouth was wide open.

“I want a percentage of that.” House demanded. “At least half.”

“Half of nothing.” Gaara glared at them all and neatly emptied Naruto’s hand. “That’s my consulting fee.”

“Thief.” Naruto muttered, pouting.

The one named Gaara did not denounce the claim. House tried to keep an ear on the convo but between Wilson, Cuddy, and those pesky police officers he was unable to keep a discrete ear on the more interesting party. Then there was yelling and loudness as Mr. Crazy had a very messy and unanticipated bloody vomit all over House’s nice pants. On the upside the stench and subsequent seizure scattered the cops like cockroaches and the pitbulls paused their not so subtle argument over who deserved their ill-gotten gains long enough to save the idiot’s life.

For a brief moment House considered firing all of them. He could really do without Sasuke’s smug perfection, Sakura’s nearly fanatical adherence to medical procedure, and Naruto…but then the red-haired guy turned and gave him a glare that could possibly peel paint; worse even than the time Cuddy found him snooping through her purse, and House decided that his time would be better spent with Wilson, who also happened to be the only person he hadn’t received death threats from in a long, long time.

****

House assaulted the whiteboard with the squeakiest, brightest marker he had and exulted in the tense silence of the room. Naruto was nursing a bruised jaw and glaring bloody murder at Sasuke while Sakura flipped through the hardbound Grey’s Anatomy that had become such an amusing focus in their daily interactions. The book had taken on a sinister air as it was always mysteriously at hand when someone wanted to give someone else a good thumping. House suspected that one of them had taken to leaving multiple copies around the hospital in strategic locations. He figured the culprit was either Naruto or Wilson, who found the interaction between the pitbulls to be funnier than a three stooges rerun and had a sizeable expense account.

House would have done it but that particular textbook was spendy and he preferred his trio to work without concussions. It made running lab work so much easier when the doctors weren’t randomly passing out or speaking in tongues as they measured potentially dangerous chemicals and/or bodily fluids.

Though that time they had left Sasuke unconscious and restrained to one of the beds in the psych ward had been pretty funny. He was pretty loose-lipped about his ultimate goal in life (killing his brother in a number of gruesome ways) and Naruto had slipped him enough drugs at the time that the man now had involuntary psych sessions and got a lot of weird looks from the staff.

The day he had finally broken free Sasuke had found Naruto and despite being tranked up to his eyeballs with happy pills and sedatives had managed to put two Grey’s to good use. Though that was understandable. Not for the psych-ward thing (House was secretly relieved to not have had to do that himself) but because Naruto took one look at Sasuke in a dressing gown, butt flapping in the breeze, and burst into hysterical laughter.

“So,” Sakura jolted him out of his musing, “Do we really have a patient or are you just high again?”

The whiteboard was now covered with squiggly marks.

“That’s a good question…but I have a better one.” House looked over to where Sasuke was not so subtly making googly eyes at Naruto, who was as oblivious as ever. “What will Sasuke do now that he is no longer in the grip of a paranoid fantasy? Will he be nearly as interesting or will I have to hide the meds?”

Sasuke gave him a Look and then went right back to staring at Naruto. Apparently the blonde became much more appealing when one was under the influence of twice-daily antipsychotics. Sakura rolled her eyes.

“The best question; will Sasuke continue to put up with your shit or will you become the new focus of his acute rage?”

“Heh.” Naruto laughed, lacing his hands behind his head. “That would be pretty funny. And hey…you wouldn’t be the only person to ever try to maim House.”

“I do have a lot of time freed up.” Sasuke slid his narrowed eyes in House’s direction, “And everyone needs goals.”

Naruto and Sakura exchanged a giggle.

“You three are fired.” That would show them. House capped his marker with an air of sober finality, daring them to say another word.

Naruto and Sakura burst into laughter.

“Oi,” Naruto grinned, “Pull the other one, it’s got bells on.”

Even Sasuke laughed. Well, more of a dark, brooding grunt, actually, but the effect was the same. House clenched his jaw and bounced the erasable marker off of Naruto’s forehead. The echoing sound upon contact was not especially surprising.

Naruto made a whining noise and clutched at his forehead, swooning dramatically while Sakura grinned lopsidedly. Sasuke muttered something about concussions and grabbed a handful of blonde hair, pulling Naruto out of his seat and into his lap.

“Cuddy says as long as we can stand you,” Sakura twirled a pink strand around her finger, “You have to stand *us*.”

“*Hey*,” Naruto made a face as Sasuke started massaging his head, “It doesn’t hurt *that* bad- damn it-”

“Hn.” Sasuke licked his lips. “You’re overdue for a physical.”

“What?!” Naruto tried to get away, but Sasuke already had him over his shoulder and was halfway out the door before Naruto could even raise an objection, “Sasuke, what the *hell*-”

House closed his eyes and counted backwards from twenty, and when he opened them again Wilson was standing in the middle of the room, looking confused.

“Did Uchiha just-”

“Yes.”

“With Uzumaki?”

“Yes,” House fished around in his pocket and came up with his emergency stash, dry-swallowing as he tried not to wonder why Sakura was on his computer and giggling. “The nurses will soon be crying bitter, bitter tears.”

“Wow.” Wilson said, but the comment was desultory, and the “Who would have guessed?” fell a little flat.

House rolled his eyes hard enough that were he not already under the influence of heavy painkillers would probably have given him a nasty headache.

“What is she doing?” Wilson frowned, sitting in one of the vacated chairs. “And what’s up with your whiteboard?”

“I’m watching the feed from the webcam I installed in the supply closet,” Sakura giggled. Her eyes shone with unholy glee, and her grin was ferocious as she turned up the speakers hooked up to House’s sound system.

“Sasuke, *I mean it*,” Naruto’s nervous laughter echoed through the room, “I’ve already had my prostate exam, you really don’t have to- woah, *hey*, don’t…don’t…oh, *god*-”

Sakura twisted the knob again and Sasuke’s special villain chuckle rattled the windows, evidently re-dedicated to molesting co-workers now that he no longer felt the need to dismember his brother.

“This is better than exploratory surgery,” Sakura’s eyes were glued to the screen, her green eyes lit up by the glow, “Hey, House…does this record?”

Sasuke chuckled, and House decided that he would have to replace his speakers...and the computer…and his *brain*-

“I think I’m going to need more than one finger, what would *you* recommend Dr. Uzumaki?”

“Ngh…” Naruto’s voice was breathy, “I, uh… I think that’s going to be absolutely necessary, Dr. Uchiha-”

House looked at Wilson and blushed for the first time in thirty years. Wilson blushed back.

“I think, um,” Wilson pointed towards the door, mental trauma etched deeply into the lines of his face, “I have a thing-”

Sakura burst into hysterical laughter just as Naruto made a sound House had never wanted to hear him make *ever* but remembered making himself one unforgettable (unfortunately) trip to Tijuana. Wilson stood up fast enough that the chair fell over and he nearly tripped over it on his way out the door.

“You’ll need a consultation-” House insisted, hobbling behind, making it out into the hall in record time to slam the door shut on another pornographic moan. Sakura’s laughter followed them all the way down the hall along with the indistinct noises bleeding through the windows, but silenced, finally, when they shut the door to Wilson’s office.

“I miss the ducklings.” Wilson downed an aspirin with a swig of scotch; his cheeks still flushed a hilarious Barbie-pink. House snatched the bottle away and took a good swallow in lieu of merciless teasing. Mockery was never quite as fun when it could be turned back on oneself, he’d have to wait until his own cheeks stopped burning.

“I miss my sanity.” House said between chugs. Wilson laughed and stole the bottle away, “Don’t we all-”

Wilson laughed again, grinning unashamedly with his eyes lit up with a mixture of alcohol and amusement, and passed the bottle back. House smiled in return, amused by his boneless sprawl.

Maybe the pitbulls were worth the trauma.

Tadaa!