Lies of the inner conscious

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Naruto. I’m sure you all realize this.

WARNINGS: angst, verry light mentions of yaoi.

A/N: A small one-shot. I’m not sure if I want to go any farther with this story or not. I would appreciate some feedback. Just to see if this is any good or not.


TITLE: Lies of the inner conscious


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People are strange.

…

Or maybe I'm the one that's strange. Although that doesn't seem likely. I feel like the only normal person on the planet. The only one without strange conceptions, and beliefs. I don't need like other people. I don't long for things that I can never have. Material objects that become meaningless over time. I don't want things that I'll use rarely or never.

I don't feel the need to inflict pain.

Sometimes people tell me that my apartment is bare and dull. I'd like to reply with something like
"It's functional it serves my needs and it's easy to clean." But I think that would make them uncomfortable.

I am a liar and a deceiver. But unlike most people who are like this it actually pains me be that way.

I wish I could be someone else.

Someone once told me that everybody lies. Even if it's not out loud. Some people just lie in their minds. It makes them feel better, makes them think that with that small lie it will all turn out fine. A relief that isn’t real. Sometimes people lie out of necessity, to protect. Others lie because they’re greedy, and afraid of repercussions. That doesn't make lying right, but it at least makes it understandable.

I lie to protect me. I don't know what my lying falls into the category of, and I‘m not sure if it‘s even necessary. The world is full of lies that cross and intersect falling into one another and dropping away out of existence. We may even know when a person is lying, but make ourselves accept it as the truth. Just so we don’t feel the pain. Just so we don’t have to confront it.

I may think people are strange, but I am also human and I crave human contact. I want their acceptance so badly that my skin itches and my chest feels tight. I am an oddity to everyone and no one. I'm present but invisible.

I think that people don't want to see me. Like when you pass a pub or a whore house. You know it’s there and it disgusts you or makes you feel shame, but you don’t want to see it. So you pretend everything is OK plaster on a bright smile avert you eyes and walk away. Or you glare, curse and spit at it. Neither does any good the whore house and pub will be there tomorrow. But maybe you’ll feel a sense of comfort for what you have gone. You will go about your way forgetting about it as soon as it leaves your sight or within the next few hours… Until you see it again.

Maybe I do want something I'll never have. Recognition. At night I'll lay awake and think over the things that I have seen throughout the day. I try to analyze and understand, to make my life that much easier the next day. It's odd the way I act so differently on the outside. Sometimes I'll think one thing and say another without stuttering or realizing it. I wonder if other people feel the same way.

How I act is who I want to be. If I act like this long enough I will be it. Maybe one day I'll wake up and be the same person on the inside as I am on the outside.

I am Naruto Uzumaki Lonely thoughtful and needy…

But I'm the only one who knows that.

The first time that I ever saw Sasuke was just before I entered the academy. I had just turned six and been given my own apartment. The villagers had finally gotten tired of me invading their homes, eating their food, and in general being near them. It was one of those days where I couldn't sit still. Couldn't stand the silence of my one room apartment. Even if I had to face sneers and derogatory comments. To have backs turned to me. At least I could hear them. See them.

See the people who were just like me, but didn’t know it.

That day I had gone to a small pond that resided within the far reaches of Konoha park. It was quiet there and usually deserted. But I could always hear the villagers nearby, and that gave me a small comfort.

But on that particular day there were people there. A young boy and his older brother. I knew them immediately. It was easy to recognize the symbol that sat proudly on the back of their high collared blue shirts. They were the Uchiha's. Defenders of Konoha. The elite clan with the genius Itachi Uchiha.

The two brothers were doing nothing. Merely idling away the hot summer hours relaxing in quiet peace.

I was envious.

What had they done that I had not? Why did they have everything while I had nothing. You can’t choose who you are born to. Yet that doesn’t ever seem to reach them. Being born is a crime you commit without realizing it. Whether you get away with it with a smile or get caught and scorned, is all up to fate.

Fate is a bitch.

The brothers feet were dangling in the cool water with a distance of about three feet between them. The younger Uchiha seemed to be trying to remedy that. He kept sneaking glances at his older brother and inching closer. If he thought his brother wasn't noticing he was mistaken. Every inch that the distance was closed, Itachi would become stiffer. Yet he had a small smirk on his face.

Finally when there wasn't two inches between them, the older Uchiha genius turned to his younger brother. He brought forward a pale hand, and with a completely bland expression, flicked his brothers forehead. I was surprised and thought that the young brunette would be angry, but he merely giggled. Obviously this was a typical occurrence.

It made my heart ache.

Why couldn’t I share those playful experiences with anybody? Why didn’t I deserve that?

What the hell was wrong with me?

"Aniki!" the young boy exclaimed trying to sound indignant. It came out sounding pleased.

The older brother responded with a "tch" and went back to studying the water.

I felt guilty and ashamed for intruding on such a private moment. Seeing something I knew I shouldn’t. I had to leave anyway, seeing this was causing some sort of weird spasm in what was my… lungs?

As I was leaving a twig snapped under my foot. A red eyed murderous gaze swung toward me and I froze. The killing intent. The hatred in those eyes would not allow me to move. I felt like an animal caught by the predator. Sharp fangs pressed against my proverbial throat, a small movement and the warm lifeblood would be drained out of me. And there was nothing I could do about it.

"Aniki is something there?" The young boy asked his black eyes staring curiously at the bush I was hidden in.

I was beginning to sweat from the intense gaze. I could feel death so close. My breath was coming in small gasps. It was like the anticipation I felt when a beating was coming. It was only a look. But you could feel the power in it. You knew the soul behind that red gaze from hell, was capable of something hideous. Every horror you saw in those eyes had the potential become reality. If I was caught death would be a sure thing.

But Itachi simply turned away.

"No, I thought I heard something" was all he said.

Then he completely ignored the two of us. Black eyes stared at my hiding spot for a moment longer, before small shoulders shrugged and he began to playfully kick at the water. I sagged in relief, before bolting back to my apartment. It wouldn't be the last time I ever had such a hateful red eyed gaze directed towards me. But it would be from Sasuke, and it would hurt far worse than anything I have ever encountered.

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A little something I wrote awhile back. I wanted to try writing something from Naruto’s childhood.

Please review. Even if this is just a fic I wrote to get over some writers block, I always want to know what I could be doing to make my writing better.

Chishio.