A Day in the Life of a Serial Pervert

I do not own Naruto or anything pertaining to the anime or manga. Nor do I make any money doing this (which I could really use right now).

This takes place during Shippuuden so don't blame me if you see something you didn't want to. I warned you.

I wrote this over a year ago and posted it on FanFiction.net. It is still there though this one has been updated and modified. Just thought I'd put something up to get myself started. I have three other stories at the other site I have to update but since I've been sick and pregnant it's been a trial.
Anyway, hope you enjoy!

"JIRAIYA!!" The wooden wall fell flat to the deck as a near naked Tsunade came barreling out of the bath after the man is question.

"Tsunade...hahaha... I didn't know you'd be here. What brings you to the public bathhouses today?" He smiled gamely at her then turned and ran as she started lifting her foot. He jumped the outer fence just as the ground began to break underneath him.

"And STAY OUT!!" he heard her shout as he cleared the woods and headed back into the village proper.

Well, so much for that, he thought as he moved the the barbecue stand on the main road. Asuma Sarutobi sat with much a taller version of the Shikamaru Nara he'd last seen before leaving on his training with Naruto. The boy had grown and was obviously doing well in his new station. Good for you, kid, he mentally congratulated as he settled into a seat at the bar and ordered.

The sounds and faces of Konoha were one's he really missed when he went on extended trips. The older he got the more he realized he really needed to settle down and make something of a life somewhere. Being a traveling hermit was getting old. Even if it was entertaining. And as much as he loved caring for his home by gathering information, he was starting to want a settled life.

Okay, in the next ten years he was thinking about a settled life.

Okay maybe never but he really needed to think about it. Who knew what would happen tomorrow.

The sounds of a cleared throat turned his head. Shizune, student and general slave to Tsunada was standing with her hands on her hip and a frown on her face.

"Hello, Shizune." He smiled brightly at her. She just shook her head.

"You're really pressing you luck. One day the girls are going to rebel." Her lips tipped up and he watched as she ruthlessly turned them down again.

"Nah. The ladies LOVE me!" He grinned.

She shook her head as she turned to go and threw back over her shoulder, "If I were you, I'd eat fast."

His food arrived and he settled into eating and listening to the random conversation. Naruto was on a mission. Tsunade was most likely combing the streets for him but there were a lot of streets and her huge rack had to hamper visibility. Despite Shizune's dire prediction he felt he had time to relax and enjoy the relatively mundane discussion around him. One of Sarutobi's students walked in to join them and Jiraiya could have sworn he heard the poor jounin whimper as the larger boy sat at the table. He heard the kids running past and the loud calls for one to catch up followed by a loud crash and a lot of yelling from one of the street vendors. It was a beautiful day in Konoha.

"Master Jiraiya." He turned to see Kakashi walking up to the bar. "Good to see you."

"Kakashi Hatake, it's good to be seen." He lifted his chopsticks and downed half the contents of the bowl before turning back to a now seated Kakashi.

The infamous Copy Ninja ordered a bottle of sake and both men sat sharing a drink in silence as the sounds of the village buzzed around them. Jiraiya was just lifting his refilled cup to his lips when Kakashi moved in close and settled an arm on his shoulder. He turned his head only to bump noses with the younger man. His eyes bugged out of his head as he back pedaled a little to gain some space. Kakashi followed at an alarming rate.

"I have to have the next book! You can't keep me waiting. You've been here for weeks and not written a thing. You have to have something. A manuscript? Notes? Pictures!? I need another action packed romance to fill my lonely night! Please! PLEASE!"

People were starting to look there way. Jiraiya pushed at his attacker with mild force and managed to gain a minimal amount of ground.

"Will you be quiet?" he whispered in conspiratorial tones. "If everyone knew I wrote those books there would be a riot."

Suddenly the ground shook and there was an upheaval in the road.

"JIRAIYA! I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU!"

Tsunade had found him.

He pushed a pleading Kakashi to the floor, tossed a nervous wink to the bars owner and took off out the back. He looked around just in time to see the one eyed ninja get stuck with the bill and Tsunade come around the front entrance with murderous intent nearly equal to her heaving bosom.

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The far south hot baths were a peaceful place. He remember meeting Naruto here as he was being trained by that twit in the glasses with a hankie on his head. What had his name been? No matter. He'd not understood the potential he'd had in his tutelage and he'd been a prig anyway.

A young blond stood in the steaming water of the bath. From his peep hole he could see the luscious curves and the water dripping from her skin. A thousand lines to go with that body came to mind and he thought he might be able to come through for Kakashi after all. He giggled a little as a brunette stood next to the blond beauty and they began to wash one another. Sweat poured down his back and he started breathing heavy. Scene after scene wrote itself in his head... then both girls turned. He blinked as the mist began to clear giving him tantalizing if hazy images of pert rosy nipples and thatches of slightly curly hair and another figure moving slowly into view. This woman, wrapped in metal mesh and smiling viciously as she stretched out over a side bench, was every dominatrix vision he'd ever conjured. He ogled all three women with drool running down his chin. At least, until he noticed the blond and brunette were looking horrified and the mesh clad Anko was grinning from ear to ear. She turned her head and winked at him before kicking her feet up and standing to get in the bath. He eyed the see through material and licked his lips as another thought came to him, only to be interrupted by the entrance of a small lithe figure in black robes.

Shizune looked around before zeroing in on where the other girls were staring and shaking her head in apparent disgust. Her entrance was followed by the sounds of the Hokage stomping into the bath.

He didn't wait to see if anyone would rat him out, instead took off for the trees behind the rock face and the relative cover they provided. "So much for this afternoons research." He huffed as he pulled out a small scroll and decided to head for home.

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Home was an apartment on the outskirts of the east village. Small but cozy, he only stayed here on extended visits. It was registered under a pseudo name. Only a few people knew it was here. Even less knew it was his. He kept it because it was needed and because Konoha was home.

He opened the door and tossed his scroll and pen on the small desk then stripped out of his tunic. The sun was slowly setting. He'd have to go out early tomorrow if he wanted to avoid Tsunade.
Luckily, the Hokage didn't know where he lived. So, stretching and rubbed his scarred chest, he settled himself on the bed. Crossing his arms under his spiky hair as he started running scenarios through his head. Specifically a blond and brunette with wandering hands.

The knock on the door pulled him from his wayward thoughts.

"Come." He rolled to his side to greet whomever had come calling, and to prepare to fight if it wasn't friendly.

The door slid open and he froze.

"Oh God, she's found me!" He jumped off the bed and reached for his tunic. Light feminine laughter rolled from the door.

"No, she's given up for the day. And if you're lucky she'll be so busy tomorrow she won't remember."

He relaxed and tossed the tunic back on the bed. "Must be my lucky day. Come on in, Shizune."

The young woman closed the door behind her as she stepped farther into the room, her hands clasped in front of her. "You really should be more careful. She has no tolerance for your..." she seemed to think for a moment before smirking, "... your questionable activities."

Jiraiya pouted as he dropped into the bed once more. "It's not questionable. It's research. You think these books write themselves?" He resumed his relaxed posture on the bed as Shizune moved into the room. When she was standing at the foot of the bed, she sighed.

“I can only think of a few men who'd call those things books.” She straightened her back and looked down her nose at him. “It's porn. Plain and simple.”

He pouted again but the corners of his mouth still held their upward lift. “Aw! That's not very nice. And here I thought we were friends.”

Shizune's haughty look turned mulish and after a moments internal debate she huffed.

"This isn't working." Her hands moved to her sides then were tossed up in a frustrated gesture.

"What's wrong?" He sat up a little to watch the her struggle with her words before she finally came out with it.

"This part. It's not working for me. The whole messenger bit from the irate Hokage bit. Can't we play something else?"

He tapped a finger on the bed, his eyes scrunched and staring at a point somewhere to her left before looking up with a smile. "We could do the cute little genin seduces the uptight jounin again?"

She shook her head and rolled her eyes. "You ALWAYS want to do that one! I want to do something different. Something that doesn't require rolling in the mud or hanging upside down from a tree. Something... I don't know... mysterious."

She dropped down on the bed next to him. Weakly protesting as he pulled her into his lap. She really was a lot of fun. Had been since she was twenty and sneaked into his hotel room after one of his and Tsunade's late night benders to celebrate another year not dead or totally loony. She'd floored him that night then done him ON the floor the next morning. He'd never been so satisfied in all his life and was more than pleased to find she was willing, able and enthusiastic about continuing their little charade any time they crossed paths.

If Tsunade ever found out he'd be eating his own lungs.

"I know!" She jumped up, jarring him from his thoughts and headed for the desk. Paper started flying in every direction.

"Wait! I have a system in place!" His cries went unheard and after another moment she came back in with a letter and a smile.

"This one!" She handed him the letter and he opened it. Perusing the contents.

"I remember this one. Guy suggested men in masks as being highly sensual." He looked up from the letter to Shizune's smiling face.

"Let's try that! I bet it would be fun! You can be a captor or something like that."

"But if my face it covered I can't kiss... you. You know how much I like to kiss... well, you." He was back to pouting again. He couldn't think of a single place on that pale body his lips hadn't been.

"Oooooh, but..." her smile turned sly as she crawled back into the bed and pulled him into a kiss meant to end all discussion. Her tongue seared a path over the roof of his mouth to lick outward and over his lips. His eyes closed to half mast and he groaned as she pulled back, her hands tracing the splash of scared skin on his chest.
She brushed his hardened nipples with a slighly caloused finger and he had to blink to focus on her bright eyes and hopeful smile. And before he could form the words to tell her she could have anything she wanted she topped off her suggestion with a lilted, "You can tie me u-up.”

Jiraiya's eyes glazed over and he fished around frantically in his bedside drawer while she made quick work of the buttons on his pants. "Where the hell did I put that mask."

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