The End

Warning:  This story
contains mentions of suicide and gives the impression of main character death,
as well as allusions to one-sided love of the yaoi variety.style='mso-spacerun:yes'>  It is also written from the first person POV,
and Naruto is OOC.  Manga
spoilers through chapter 440.

~~~~~~~~~~

The End

~~~~~~~~~~

I’m sick of this.  I’m
so very tired of not being enough for anybody, when I give them everything of
me.  I have been working my whole life to
be acknowledged, to be worthy of love, but no matter what I do, I will never be
more than I am now, and I don’t want to be. 
Not anymore.

I thought I was in love with Sakura.style='mso-spacerun:yes'>  She says that she loves me, but I can’t
believe her, not when her kisses are forced, and she looks at me with
resignation.  I think she wants to be in
love with me, I really do, and I know she cares about me, but not enough.style='mso-spacerun:yes'>  She will never give all of herself to me the
way I was prepared to for her.  I can’t
live like this, and it’s not fair to allow her to continue the charade she’s
trying to make herself believe.  She
deserves better.    

Kakashi-sensei?style='mso-spacerun:yes'>  I was never his favorite.style='mso-spacerun:yes'>  Sure, I amused him at times, and I think he
likes me to some degree, but I’m not Sasuke, and Kakashi doesn’t need me.style='mso-spacerun:yes'>   

I have helped people. 
Konohamaru looks up to me, but he has his own
friends, and we’re not really close. 
Neji must respect me to a point, but he still acts superior to me, and I
suppose he is.  Gaara…style='mso-spacerun:yes'>  I understand Gaara.style='mso-spacerun:yes'>  We’re the same, but Gaara never tried to be
more than his monster.  He shut himself
off early.  Now I think he was
right.  I wish I had allowed those hated
words to sink in, I wish I hadn’t tried so hard to pretend the words didn’t
hurt, or try to prove them wrong.  There
was never any point.  I am still
alone.   

Iruka-sensei cares about me. 
I know he does, but he has new students to teach, and he has no time for
me.  That’s okay, though, I want him to
be happy and to help others as much as he helped me.style='mso-spacerun:yes'>  I can’t be selfish.style='mso-spacerun:yes'>   

Tsunade?style='mso-spacerun:yes'>  She is Hokage.style='mso-spacerun:yes'>  She feels something for me, but she acts so
cold.  I don’t know why she can seem so
nice one minute, and then the next, it’s like she doesn’t even know me.style='mso-spacerun:yes'>  I miss Jiraiya.style='mso-spacerun:yes'>  Even so, he was never reliable.style='mso-spacerun:yes'>  He didn’t have time for me either.style='mso-spacerun:yes'>  I was a burden on him, and though he didn’t
complain much, and I’m sure I made him happy at times, he didn’t need me.style='mso-spacerun:yes'>   

Then there’s Sasuke.  class=GramE>My first friend.  Now
that I have lived a bit longer, now that he’s been away for so long and I have
begun a relationship with Sakura, I have come to realize that for all these
years, I have been in love with Uchiha Sasuke. 
I always admired him, and hated that he never seemed to appreciate all
that he had.  Everyone liked him, but you
know, I think he was just as alone as me. 
Somehow I always knew that.  We
were alike. We were friends, but again, I wasn’t enough.style='mso-spacerun:yes'>  I tried so hard to make him stay.style='mso-spacerun:yes'>  To keep him from leaving me, us, everyone,
but it was never enough.  I could never keep
Sasuke, not when I cared so much more for him than he did for me.style='mso-spacerun:yes'>  He would never accept my help, and if he
wouldn’t believe he needed me, then why would he stay?style='mso-spacerun:yes'>  What I had to offer was nothing in comparison
to power and revenge.  I was nothing to him
in the long run.   

So, here I am with this stupid scroll that I have filled so
full with my bitter words of self-pity. 
It’s pathetic.  I’m pathetic.style='mso-spacerun:yes'>  I’m sitting on the carving of the fourth
Hokage.  I don’t want to me think of my
father.  He wouldn’t be proud of me like
I am now.  I know he believed I would
change the world, but I can’t.  I’ve
already given too much of myself.  My
father died for the village.  I wish my
death would be a hero’s death.  I- I
just.  I don’t know.style='mso-spacerun:yes'>  I don’t even know why I’m writing this.style='mso-spacerun:yes'>  It doesn’t help; it just makes me see how
much of a dobe I really am.   

I know my life’s not that bad.style='mso-spacerun:yes'>  I am acknowledged by quite a few people now,
and I have precious people, but I just want to be someone’s most precious
person.  If I stayed here, maybe I would
become that, but I don’t want to live with false hope anymore.style='mso-spacerun:yes'>  I’m so tired of living my life based on the
hope that one day I will be happy.  What
is happiness anyway?  I don’t think
anyone is ever truly happy with their life, but if they’re not, why do they act
like it?  

I have finally had enough. 
It’s time.  I wish I was
stronger.  Wait- no, I don’t.style='mso-spacerun:yes'>  I want this to end.style='mso-spacerun:yes'>  Please let this ache inside die along with my
body.  The final hope I will allow
myself, is the hope that the Kyuubi will not prevent me from taking the last
step.  I don’t want to be here
anymore.  I’m sorry everyone.style='mso-spacerun:yes'>  So sorry if what I am going to do will cause
you pain, but I am finally going to be selfish, and in the end, my absence
won’t really matter.  You will move on,
and that is one of the things that hurts the
most.  I would have liked to have been so
important to one person, just one person, that they would have not been able to
go on without me.  Stupid wish, I know.style='mso-spacerun:yes'>  I just… Never mind.style='mso-spacerun:yes'>  Goodbye.    

A/N:

            I have been
reading fanfiction for years and have wanted to try writing my own class=GramE>tales.; unfortunately, I was never able to get a single
chapter out.  I’d always type up all
these story notes, and then my plot bunnies would turn vicious and point out
plot holes.  Scary beasts…

            This class=SpellE>oneshot is completely different from anything I’ve ever
attempted before.  I’m a fluff-loving
girl.  Sure a little angst is okay, but I
better have a happy ending, Buster!

            Anyway,
last night, real life had me down, and I needed to get some of my own
frustrations out.  What always makes me
feel better?  Naruto - and yaoi! - class=GramE>so I had a little therapy session in the form of this class=SpellE>fic.  Sadly, yaoi, at
least more than the brief mention of Naruto’s mushy feelings for Sasuke, did
not fit into this story.  *shakes head in
dismay*  Still, this
sad little oneshot ironically made me feel better,
and I hope it does the same for someone else.

            Well, with
any luck, this has broken me out of writer’s block, and I will be able to post
more in the future with lots of happy boy love. ;)style='mso-spacerun:yes'>    

            style='mso-spacerun:yes'>