Shades of Gray

(DETAILS WILL COME LATER SINCE AFF IS GLITCHING SO HARD RIGHT NOW)

“I don't think you realize just how stupid this is.”

“And I don't think you realize you need to just shut up and let me do this.” you mutter through gritted teeth. “ Besides, we finished the mission three hours early, we've got the documents to prove it, and I'm horny as fuck.”


“Yes, but were weren't the only ones deployed on this mission.” a black eye darts to the side, wary. “We could get caught.”


“And the most they'll do is tell Sandaime, and the most HE will do is laugh and throw us a condom.”


Kakashi sighs, using the hand that isn't entangled in your hair to brush the perspiration from his forehead, sweeping a stray gray bang from his eyes, and you find yourself wondering for the hundredth time how the hell you managed to swipe this sex god from Konoha's over eager female population. Hell, the guy practically had his entire fanbase to choose from, and yet you alone rose victorious.


Or so you'd like to believe. His habitual practice of keeping the most mundane of interactions between you to private has had you wondering since day one.


Actually, as of late, he'd been even more distant than usual, showing up at odd hours, avoiding the most basic conversations, even flat out refusing to meet you period on some occasions.


You bite the side of you lip nervously, shaking your head. No. There's no reason to think about that. He's here with you now, and that's all that matters.


-THWUCK THWUCK THWUCK-


A sweatdrop rolls down your forehead along with several severed strands of hair as three kunai embed themselves in in the tree you have Kakashi pinned against. You gulp audibly.


“Fuck, they're still here?!” you seethe through gritted teeth.

“I tried to tell you this was a stupid idea.” he deadpans.

“You didn't tell me we hadn't KILLED them all!” you hiss, pulling your embossed wooden tiger mask back down over your face, and prying yourself off the copy nin. “Nevermind, formation A, right?”

He says nothing, only nodding in agreement as he rearranges his own dog mask over his face.

“You still have enough chakra left, right?” you murmur, worried.

“I'll be fine” comes the muffled reply from behind the mask. “I won't even need to activate the sharingan. “ He nudges you forward. “Now go.”


You frown, more than a bit peeved at his callousness, but agree anyways, unsheathing several kunai as you jump down from the tree branch several hundred feet from the ground, landing with an uncomfortable thud on the hard ground.

There's five of them, two men, three women, about average strength, but the one on the far left has a katana. You make a mental note to keep an eye on her as you charge blindly into battle.

The kunai act as mere distractions as you fling one, then two at the kunoichi now flanking your sides. You make a beeline for the base of a particularly large tree, focusing chakra into your feet as you climb a straight 180 degrees upward, then jump, managing to catch the one kunoichi off guard, and the kunai gois straight into her left eye.

The following shriek of pain makes you cringe, it always does, and as a rain of shuriken comes down from the forest canopy you realize it's the signal, as the remainder of the enemy ninja have stopped moving. Good. Kakashi has gotten them successfully trapped in his own brand of high-end genjutsu. Nothing short of a Yuuhi or Uchiha can fight their way out of this. It's YOUR turn now.

You don't hail from any pretentious clan, blessed with a kekei genkai or natural talent, nor by some twist of fate did you come across overwhelming power that wasn't yours (cough). You've only gotten as far as you have from pure blood sweat and tears, working your way up from nothing. Your parents had been killed in the fairly recent ninja wars, they themselves being civilians, and since your older brother provided only unsteady income being a daydreaming musician, you had taken up the occupation of a Konoha shinobi to provide for both you and your sibling.

It hadn't been easy building yourself up from nothing, no clan, no supportive parents. It wasn't enough getting good grades at the academy, finishing your missions on time, even cooperating with your insufferable constantly bickering male teammates (Who had later turned out to be madly in love with each other, who knew) No. You had to take it a step above and beyond.

You created your own jutsu. Having discovered that you naturally had larger than average reservoirs of chakra, you'd seal portions away for months on end, using only the bare minimum you could get away with, and then when need be, release it all at one, creating a rage-induced sort of euphoria that granted you immeasurable physical strength and speed for a period of time relevant to the amount your stored.

You had no name for it. Your teammates had however affectionately called it “Berserker”.


You form your hands into the hitsuji seal, focusing on the gate between mind and body that held your chakra, wearing away the seal. There's the sensation of immense, unbearable heat pooling beneath your stomach, and it explodes, spreading into your fingertips as your pupils dilated, teeth barred.


Oh, if only they could see you now.

The one imperfection in your jutsu was not that your memory was wiped of the experience, rather, the experience was so fast that your brain couldn't capture stills of it, instead producing a blurry, foggy, and very bloody image that slowly fades out into reality.

And what a sobering reality it is. You could only thank the gods that Kakashi had been nowhere near you during your rampage. Four mutilated corpses laid out before you. Bleeding, reeking.

Four?


Oh fuck


The one with the katana comes charging at you from behind. You see this, you sense this, but temporary paralysis plagues your body after over exhaustion, and your heart stops dead in it's tracks as he raises the blade.


There's a sickening squelching sound, but no pain, and as you crane your neck you see the ninja with his own sword driven into his back, Kakashi at the hilt.


A weak smile forms over your lips, and you open your mouth to thank him, but instead feel your knees giving out from under you.

Kakashi drops the hilt, leaving the body to topple over as he catches you just before you hit the group, cradling your limp body in his arms.

“So reckless.” comes the voice from behind several masks. “This is the third time this week you've nearly died.”

“Sorry.” your voice is raspy, your head spinning and vision blurry. Berserker always managed to exhaust you, no surprise there, but either way it's nice being held like this, so close.

He says nothing, instead holding you tighter to his chest as you begin the long, arduous journey back to Konoha.

It's late, nearly midnight as you make your way through the winding Konoha streets, your path light by only the occasional flickering streetlamp.

You'd both turned in the mission details hours ago, Sarutobi-sama demanding you make an extra trip over to the hospital after hearing of your near-death experience, but other than that, it'd gone pretty well. Kakashi had even asked you out on a date.

Well, okay, you THINK he did. You can never tell with him. He DID ask you to come to his apartment, and he DID ask you to come alone. That counted as a date, right? Right?

I'm probably hoping for too much you think, letting out an audible sigh, wondering if it was even worth the effort you went through of cleaning up and putting on makeup before you went to see him. Probably not.

You feel your anxiety building as you climb the stairs to his apartment, swallowing at the nervous lump forming in your throat. Why do you feel this way just going to see your own boyfriend? This isn't right, it's not fair.

Forget it. you try shaking the doubts from your head as you twist the door-handle, surprisingly unlocked, and let yourself in. Just try to enjoy yourself.

“What took you so long?”

He's sitting at the table in his small kitchenette, still in his ANBU uniform. He looks even more haggard than he did during the mission, as if under considerable stress.

“I was cleaning myself up.” you say, slightly miffed that he didn't take similar measures himself. “I WAS covered in blood, and from the looks of it, you still are.”

He looks away, seeming almost nervous as he continually drums his fingers against the table surface. “I didn't have time, I was thinking.”

“Thinking?” you say, socking your head as you make your way over to the table, pulling out a chair and seating yourself. “Thinking about what?”

He says nothing.

You place your open hand on the table. “Kakashi, you can talk to me. What's wrong?”

Again, he says nothing. A sick mixture of fear and anger boils in your chest.

“Kakashi-”


“You almost died today.”

Initially, your jaw drops, but you quickly close it as a smile forms over your face. Was that all he was worried about?

“We're ninja Kakashi.” you say, chuckling. “We could die any day. Especially me, being so clumsy.”


“It's not funny.”


You raise an eyebrow.

“What?”

“I've made my share of mistakes in my life. “ he replies, still averting your eyes. “You know I've already lost the people most important to me.”

Wait. People most important to him? He's not talking about you, you realize with a pang in your chest.

“I don't think I can handle it anymore, having anymore regrets” he exhales sharply. “Something has to change.”

You lower lip trembles. Oh god he's not talking about what you think he is?


Oh god


He takes your offered hand into his, this time locking his mismatched eyes with yours.


“I don't think we're ready for it , either of us, but,” he blows out a breath. “Why I asked you to come over tonight, I wanted to-”

“Don't”

He freezes as you pry your hand away from his, biting your lips and tearing your eyes from his.

“Don't finish that sentence.” you murmur, feelings hot tears brimming on the corners of your eyes.


So this was it. Why he'd been so distance from the beginning. He'd never saw this going beyond a few restless nights.

He'd never seen you as anything more than a quick fuck.


He'd never seen you


And now he's trying to give you the typical “Let her down easy/it's not you it's me” bullshit?

No. No fucking way.

“Y'know you didn't have to pretend you were actually interested in me.” your voice shakes. “I- I wanted to be close to you, to just be WITH you so badly, I would've done it anyways.”


He stares at you wide eyed. “ “___”, that's not what I'm trying to s-”

I know DAMN WELL what you're trying to say! You spit, barring your teeth. “Don't feed me your bullshit when the damage's already been done! I know about your former teammates, I know about Rin I know she ruined you for other women, Kakashi, but that doesn't mean you had to ruin me!”


You get your your feet, knocking over the chair in your wake, and you stare straight into his eyes, rage thinly veiled behind your teary eyes.

“To think I actually loved you.” you snarl, heading towards the apartment door, pausing.


“To think that I still do.”

And with that you slam the door shut, running as fast as your legs would carry you, tears streaming profusely down your face as you did so.


It's nearly three in the morning when you make it home. Normally you would've taken extra measures not to awaken your older brother who was always asleep at this hour, but you just can't find it in you to care as you slam the door shut, causing the entire house to shudder as you door so, and you slump down against the wall into a heap, sobbing.


There's a clicking noise, and the entire room lights up as the living-room light is turned on, and you hear footsteps coming down the stairs. You don't even bother to look up as the near you.


“Tora-chan?”


You look up to see your older brother, Koji, wearing an extremely concerned expression.


“What happe-”


He's cut off as you fling yourself into his arms burrying your head into his chest as you resume your sobbing.

He says nothing, only returning your embrace and hugging you -hard- before walking you over to the couch and laying you down, propping a pillow under your head and covering you with the throw blanket before prying himself off of you, disappearing into the kitchen for a moment, only to return with two glasses and a half-empty bottle of sake.

“Koji, I don't-”

He cuts you off this time. “No, you do. Trust me, it'll help” he mutters as he fills both cup and hands one to you. “Now drink.”

“But I don't wa-”

“Drink”

You don't bother arguing, instead downing the sake in one gulp. It burns the whole way down, but somehow he's right, you do feel better. Kind of.


“Now spill.” he says, seating himself beside you. “What happened?”

You avert your eyes. “Nothing.”


“Pfft” he rolls his eyes, or, the one eye visible under his long dark brown bangs. “Bull. Shit. Your mascara's all over your face, your eyes are bloodshot and your missing your ninja headband. “SOMETHING happened. Do I have to beat someone up?”

You snort at his response, still saying nothing.

“I'm glad you think so highly of me. “ he says sarcastically. “But you still need to tell me what happened.”

You swallow hard, before weakly muttering your answer.


“Kakashi. . .”


His eyes widen. “Kakashi? Your boyfriend?”


“Ex” you reply bitterly.

He blows out a breath. “Well, as much as I'd LIKE to kick his ass, I'm pretty sure we both know how that'd turn out.” he makes a disgusted face. “Asshole. He dumped you?”

I'm actually not sure what happened.” you say, exasperated. “But we're not together anymore.”


Koji's eyes soften.

“I'm really sorry oneechan. I know you really liked him.” he says quietly. “What happened to your ninja headband?”


“I turned it in.”

His jaw drops. “WHAT?”


“I turned it in.” you repeat. “Koji, I need a break, or something, just to figure things out. I've got enough money from missions saved up for a few years, we'll be fine.”

He says nothing, instead pulling you into another tight embrace.


“Don't worry about it. Take as long a break as you want. “ he chuckles. “I'll get my big break soon enough anyways. You know I'm the next big thing.”


You let out a weak laugh, but smile inwardly.

“Anyways, don't worry about that Hatake bastard. There's far better men out there.” he says with the utmost confidence. “I could hook you up with one of my bandmates. I know Michi thinks you're cute. He's even got that silver hair you go so crazy over.”


You sniffle a bit, wiping the excess ruined makeup from your eyes. “Thanks Koji, but I think I need a break from THAT too, at least, for a bit.”

He nods, in the process of pouring your another cup. “Take it” he presses it into your hands. “You need to get some sleep, and this'll help you.” he gives you a warm smile. “I'm going back to bed, but if you need anything, I'm right here, okay?”


You smile in spit of yourself.

“Thanks.” you reply, getting to your feet and making your way to the staircase.


He winks. “It's what I'm here for. I AM your big brother.” he takes the now empty bottle in his hands, headed back to the kitchen. “Night oneechan.”

At least I've got someone that cares you think ascending the stairs, making a mental note to never EVER trust anyone with gray hair ever again.