Epicence

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BANG

WUMWUMWUMWUMWUMWUMWumwumwumshreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhh

The
door rattled loudly against the wooden wall, sending shock waves reverberating
throughout the whole hall. Slowly it stopped swinging, leaving only the
shrieking of long untended hinges in its wake.

Kisame
merely raised an eyebrow at his abused door before craning his neck to view the
cause.

Standing
in the frame was a hunched over figure. Deep shadows fell behind it as the light
from the inn’s lamps filtered through the window. It entered slowly, lumbering
in a manner closely resembling a living corpse. It swayed back and forth,
stumbling to the edge of Kisame’s bed. It stopped a few inches from the
mattress, hollow eyes staring at the shark, unfocused yet purposeful.

“It’s
all your damn fault, you know…” you rasped, voice dry with exhaustion. “I
dragged my ass out of bed just to tell you.”

“Oh?
And what’s that?” Kisame asked, rolling onto his back [1]. His gaze was
focused on the ceiling. As most people know, any conversation that starts with
blame never ends quickly. Based on this alone, Kisame knew he was in for a long
night. You could see the annoyed look on his face. Tough shit. It was his fault
you were unable to get a date, so he could suck it up. For his part, he would
have to been content to listen.

“That
I couldn’t get laid tonight,” you replied, as if it was obvious. You watched
him intensely, breaking gaze only to rub your eyes. They were dry and itchy.
Moving them felt like scratching an empty pen across paper. Not a great sleep
aide.

“That’s
my fault how?” he inquired. You had the feeling he was uninterested in your
problems, but wanted to counter your accusation. Either way, you had him. It was
not the rapt attention he displayed in battle, but definitely had more credence
than any other Akatsuki would have given to your “crisis”.

“You
scare guys away,” you declared. Kisame’s raised eyebrow met you with plenty
of scrutiny. For conversational purposes, you decided it was best to elaborate.
With a shrug, you continued to complain. “Not just you, but all of you!
Seriously, I can’t get a date with you guys around. Who knew a girl hanging
out with guys was the biggest ball buster in the world? I was so upset that I
even forgot to eat!”

A
loud sigh followed as you dropped into a sit on the bed, utterly exasperated. As
your bare arm connected with his, you could feel Kisame shift next to you,
moving over to accommodate the sudden intrusion. 
You frowned, wondering if you just got rejected by a shark man. After a
bit of contemplation, you decided to ask question that had plagued you for a
long time.

“Kisame…”

“Yeah?”

“
Why are all guys such pussies?”

A
short cough from Kisame faded into a light chuckle. You noted that, even in
laughter, his low voice had a tendency to rise in tone whenever he finished a
sentence. It also had a grating waiver to it, as if he spoke from his throat
rather than his vocal cords. It was mildly unpleasant.

“Kisame!”
you commanded, mildly pissed at the lack of reply, “answer the question!”

Kisame
glanced over at you, watery white eyes scrutinizing your every movement

 “Did
it ever occur to you that there’s a different problem?” he asked, watching
your face for the reaction. For half a second you looked positively stunned.
Eyebrows fell from their questioning height to their skeptical level.

“Such
as?”

“You
act like a man.”

The
room was so silent that only the ringing in your ears permeated the tense
atmosphere. He was right of course. You were currently sitting with legs spread
wide, elbows resting on your thighs, knuckles hooked behind your jaw, supporting
your head. Your back was hunched, and mouth wide open to patronize him. Even
your white camisole was wrinkled and in need of a wash. 
It suddenly occurred to you that you more closely resembled an adolescent
boy than the woman you were. You found yourself choking on hot embarrassment.
Lacking a better response, you fell back on your instincts.

“Do
fucking not!” you snapped back, fist punching the mattress.

Kisame’s
arched eyebrow was more poignant than any words he could have said. Women were
supposed to be calm, gentle and considerate. They smiled frequently and softly.
You were aggressive, rough, and blunt. You sneered and snarled at every
opportunity. Rather than waste time with sugar sweet words, you swore loudly,
proudly, and frequently. Your fierce independence and competitive antagonism,
valued in the Akatsuki, was hardly becoming of a lady. Even your movements,
playful or otherwise, were forceful and, often, confrontational. You really were
anything but feminine. You hung your head and sighed heavily.

“Okay,
so I act like a man,” you acknowledged, attempting to play it cool. “What
does that have to do with it?”

You
could swear Kisame rolled his eyes at you. A cute girl would have pouted at this
time, but you slouched over and stared him down. He stared right back, totally
indifferent to your shitty attitude. His all-knowing, snaggle toothed smirk was
driving you insane [2]. Eye twitching, you waited for his reply. The seconds
dragged on endlessly, making you fidget in irritation. When his answer did not
come instantly, you drummed your fingers on the headboard.

Brrumpbrrumpbruump 

Brrumpbrrumpbruump

 Brrumpbrrumpbruump

Brrumpbrrumpbruump

“Ever
hear the phrase ‘opposites attract’?” Kisame questioned, tucking his arms
behind his head. His tone was WAY too cocky. He was definitely enjoying his sage
like knowledge of all things men far too much. Unacceptable.

“No,
I’m a total moron and I’ve never
heard that phrase before,” you retorted sarcastically.

Kisame’s
pointed grin grew by a few teeth. Clearly, he was unphased by your “charming”
temper.

 “When
men think about women, they want something that they aren’t.” Kisame
continued. “Women are soft, sweet, and cute.”

“LAME!”
you shrugged, “Stereotypes are just stupid. I can’t believe you guys believe
that crap.” You just shook your head. “Men are all really idiots.”

Kisame
raised his index finger and wagged it at you patronizingly. “Stereotypes stick
around because they work. You just used one, right?”

You
were silent in response, biting your cheek to keep from lashing out at him.

 “Besides
that, you act so much like a man that people will mistake you for one too,” he
explained, clearly enjoying your violent reactions.

As
you thought about his words, you suddenly paled. You could hear the voices of
the night echoing in the back of your mind. Things that had confused you when
they were originally said were starting to make way too much sense.

“I’m
more a woman than this thing will ever be!”

“I-I-uh…
um… I’m not into that!”

 "I
like ‘em when they look like girls...”

OH

HELL

NO

“THEY
THOUGHT I WAS A GUY!?” you shrieked, mouth agape in horror

“It’s
possible. You act enough like one. I thought you were a boy when I first saw
you. It would not surprise me if others thought the same,” he responded
calmly.

You
realized the men in the bar all turned you down because they thought you were
some homosexual hitting on them. It had nothing to do with your technique, your
looks, Kisame or the Akatsuki. The only problem was that you were not feminine
enough to be considered a woman. This epiphany brought you to a new state of
hatred. You felt the anger twisting in your empty growling stomach. It contorted
in a ball of blinding fury as you realized that no one knew you were a girl. You
reached your breaking point and teetered on the edge of doing something
incredibly stupid in you rage.

“Shut
up.” you glowered at Kisame, grinding your teeth into your cheek.

Kisame’s
raspy laugh roared, filling the room with “heeh”s and “hah”s. It tore
down your ego more effectively than any insult. You felt your muscles quivering
in anticipation, craving to embed your fist in his face. You used what little
self control you had to hold down the rage swelling in your bosom. After your
earlier little gratuitous slaughter session, you were running on low chakra. You
could hear Itachi’s voice in the back of your head, chastening you for not
knowing how to pick your fights. If you listened to him, you probably wouldn’t
be so ridiculously low on energy right now. You carefully reminded yourself that
even at full power, fighting with Kisame was a bad idea. Kisame had an inhuman
amount of chakra and beastlike strength. He was more than a match for you even
at your best. This helped, but did not fully dissipate your intense drive to
kill.

“Can’t
think of anything better to say?” he gloated.

THUMP

Your
fist connected with his fleshy palm, missing his jaw by inches. Kisame sat up,
hand crushing your knuckles until they audibly snapped. You winced but covered
it with a snarl. Your muscles tensed, desperately trying to counter his brutal
force. His clammy eyes narrowed, suddenly filled with a sinister spark. White
pupils widened and refocused on your face.

“You’re
quite good at rubbing people the wrong way, aren’t you?” he observed.

In
response, you let loose a viscous guttural growl and threw your body weight into
his arm, attempting to overpower him.  Kisame’s
iron arm neither moved nor twitched. You saw a whisper of a frown cross his brow
before he redirected the blow.  With
a flick of his elbow, you found yourself off the bed and on a collision course
with the ground. You coughed up saliva as your body crumpled against the
hardwood floor. Gripping your head, you managed to coax one eye open through the
throbbing.

The
nauseating CRACK of solid mass meeting floor would have made any reasonable
person sick. Indeed, Kisame appeared sick, but not the kind one expected. His
eyes were intent upon you, like a predator to prey. The fishy pools locked on
your banged up body, filled with excitement. You climbed to your feet, both eyes
open and never breaking gaze with Kisame. You watched him intently, waiting for
any little movement that might indicate an attack. He looked dangerously crazed
and fully mad; deeply locked in blood lust.

This
was bad.

This
was Kisame’s other side. Deep in the throes of battle, he became obsessed with
the fight.  Knowing Kisame, that
almost guaranteed a bloody massacre. No one but Itachi had ever been able to
control him, nor bring him out of the sadistic mindset. Normally, he leaned
towards brutal behavior, favoring mutilation to make captures easier. Eyeing his
sharp teeth, you gulped subconsciously. In this bedeviled
state, you sincerely doubted you were “off the menu” as an opponent.
Thoroughly concerned with your suddenly obvious mortality, you fell back on your
favorite mentality: pissed off.

“Oi!
Fish face! Stop looking at me like I’m bait!” you ordered, more creeped out
than frightened. Kisame’s hungry stare did not break. Each breath seemed a
little heavier and you slowly realized how uncomfortably breakable you were.

As
a partner, Kisame’s ferocious brutality complimented your raw temper. Similar
opinions on tactics, namely the desire to tear everything to shreds, allowed
your missions to end seamlessly with very little infighting. In fact, there was
so much agreement, that you never considered being on the receiving end of his
terror. It was simply impossible.

You
swore you saw saliva pooling in the corner of his ravenous smile. Gross.

“Kisame”
you warned.  Your hands raised your
hands up to defend yourself. “Don’t you dare think abo-”

CRACK

Your
body reacted before your brain really registered what was going on. 
You found yourself rolling across the floor, splintered wooden shrapnel
flying all around your face. You leapt to your feet, staring in shock at what
had been the wall behind you.

Samehada, Kisame’s killer sword, was embedded about a foot into the wood.
The hole he’d made was about as tall as you. It gapped open, the razor edges
of the fractured paneling looking eerily like a shark’s teeth. Your eyes
flickered up the skull tipped handle, praying that he wasn’t the cause. To
your dismay, you saw enormous blue hands, thick, white, striped arm bands and
the clouded sleeves of Kisame’s Akatsuki uniform. You hadn’t even seen him
pick up the sword. Kisame’s right hand gripped the handle tightly, facing away
from you.

“You moved,” he stated flatly.

BA-DUMP

You were pretty sure that was the sound of your heart leaping out of your
chest and running away.

Your brain screamed at you to run, but you were so lost in disbelief and fear
that you were rooted to the floor. You’d never had to seriously fight someone
who was so far beyond your skill level before. Kisame was probably one of the
very few that you couldn’t take in terms of brute strength. You honestly and
truly, for the first time ever, felt like you were going to die.

“I always like it when they move. It is more entertaining when they try to
escape,” he remarked casually, turning slowly to face you.

You flew out of the room so fast that you weren’t sure if your feet ever
touched the ground. The hallways were a blurry maze. After about the fourth
twist, you decided a more direct approach to escape was necessary. Picking a
wall at random you smashed it with a flying kick. Arms high to protect your eyes
from splinters, you leap off the second story of the inn and hit the ground in a
tucked roll.

The cool night air surrounded you, feeling like an arctic blast against your
heated skin. The blood pumping in your ears silenced all the cicadas as you
sprinted for the cover of the tree line. Branches and twigs slashed at your
bare legs, leaving a lovely trail of blood for your pursuer. Even the bright
full moon worked against you, shining cheerfully on the path you made through
the underbrush.

Just perfect.

Lungs heaving, you stumbled into a clearing. A small lake, lined with a muddy
shore sat in the middle. You glanced behind you and noted Kisame was not there.
Rather than relieved you felt horrified. You knew better than to think you had
out run him. If you could not see him, it just meant that you were more
vulnerable to attack.

PHUMMMP

The sound of his sword tearing through the air, gave you enough warning to
move out of its path. You stumbled backwards, cursing your lack of grace. You
were not prepared for the attack and your dodge was off balance. 
You planted your left leg and whipped to the right just in time to dodge
Kisame’s next swing. So far, you were doing just fine. If you kept moving his
sword wouldn’t connect. Kisame was incredibly fast, but there were still
limitations as to how fast a sword with a large surface area could swing.

The ground on your right shattered, the earth coughing up dust as Samehame
connected with the dry soil. Kisame cackled madly, as you slid to the left,
scraping your left knee against the ground. You whipped around on the motion of
your slide, turning to face the blue beast. Blood and earth combined, creating a
patch of red mud on your joint. Wincing, you could feel tiny pebbles embedded in
your flesh.

Kisame took the opportunity to rush you again. You rolled to the side, trying
to escape. However, your knee was just injured enough to slow your movements.
You could see Samehada swinging down, aimed at your abdomen. Unable to clear its
path, you blocked the blade with a less vital part of your body, your arm. In
the split second this happened, you could see Kisame’s eyes bulging in
excitement. The pointy leer was all the warning before his attack. He dragged
the sword down your arm, the binding wrap of the blade tearing as the razor
scales appeared. The shark-skin sword raked your limb, viciously tearing a small
patch of your arm to ribbons.

As you screamed out in pain, a tiny thought entered your brain. With
Kisame’s sword still dragging across your arm, he couldn’t block an attack
with it. You could see hunks of bloody flesh flying from the wound as you made
very quick hand signs.

“Lightening Element, Gigawatt hammer!” [2.5]

Kisame lurched back, missing the head of your attack by mere inches. You used
the momentum of your swing to get to your feet. In your right hand was a large
hammer made of living lightening. It cackled and sputtered, moving with the
current in the air.

“Kehehehe…. You’re not bad,” he observed, standing up to his full,
towering height.  “You’ve still
got all that energy, even after a long mission, and a massacre. I guess that’s
how you got here in the first place. ”

You winced, feeling the bolts of the hammer sucking down your chakra to
dangerous levels. You quickly disbanded the attack before it totally
incapacitated you. You had blown too much energy trekking across two countries
to get to your mark in the first place. You had been sleepless for several
nights and without a hearty meal in days, trying to hurry to the mobsters hide
out. Though Kisame might have boundless chakra and never tired, the combined
effects of your bad trip had put you over your limit already. Then, in a bad
mood, you had to go and blow an exorbitant amount of energy on some pitiful
lackeys. You probably could have taken them out with little to no effort, but
just HAD to make it a show.

What a stupid idea.

“You’re too fast for me to catch like this.” Kisame noted, lifting his
sword back into the air. With a sudden flick of his forearm, the blade twirled
upwards, high into the air. “Let’s try something else.”

You had seen this once before and made a dive for the nearest tree. The
adrenaline of the fear blocked out the pain in your limbs, as you climbed as
high as you could. Two hands slapped together behind you, thumbs facing towards
their master.

“Water Element, Explosive Water Shockwave!”

Kisame bent backwards, spewing water from his mouth. It rose as an incredible
tidal wave, engulfing the entire area. What had once been a peaceful lakelet was
now a swirling torrent of white foam, churning beneath your feet. You leapt from
your tree, reaching the next one just as the wave sucked it under.

Your feet pushed off again barley dodging a second wave as it uprooted the
oak you had just been in.  High in
the air, you crossed your arms, channeling chakra into your skin. You figured
you only had one chance at this, so you decided to really go for it.

“Lightning Element, Diamagnet!”

The air around suddenly became
charged. All your hair stood on end, floating around you in the sky. The stench
of ozone hung heavy on the wind, filling your nose and almost making you sick.
Suddenly, you dove towards Kisame head on, pulled down by gravity. He jumped off
the waves, heading straight towards you as well. His blade trailed behind him
menacingly. You guessed he was waiting for just the right moment to swing.

Kisame swung all right, in a pleasant
little circle around you. He was repelled by an invisible force.

“What?!” he cried, both of you
falling back towards earth.

He landed solidly on the water, using
his chakra to stand on the surface. You floated just above it, not touching the
waves at all. The water underneath you curved a bit, as if it was frightened of
you.

 “I
see,” Kisame acknowledged, “You’re using magnetism. I’m impressed.”

Indeed, he was right. Your element,
lightning, was strong against water based attacks. Despite this, Kisame’s
overwhelming chakra was too strong for you to hurt him by yourself. If there had
been a thunder storm to borrow energy from, you might have stood a chance.
Without one, and no fuel in your stomach, you had no hope. Rather than waste
your chakra trying to attack, you turned it inward, creating a magnetic field
around you. This particular magnetic field held one special property; it could
change the movement of electrons around the nuclei of their atoms. This changed
the magnetic field of all surrounding objects to directly oppose the field
around you. [3]

The long and short of it was that you
repelled everything, including Kisame.

“Of course, you do know that there
is one fatal flaw with that plan,” Kisame revealed, raising Samehada.

Oh hell…

You had almost forgotten that the
stupid sword wasn’t just a flesh shredding terror. Samehada could also absorb
chakra. When Kisame has leaped to attack you, your body repelled him before the
sword could come in contact with the field. However, if he was not holding the
sword, it would absorb the chakra feeding your magnetic field. Since you were
putting everything you had into maintaining the field, the sword would absorb
all your energy, causing the whole thing to fall apart and leaving you helpless.

Predictably, Samehada flew at you
like a boomerang. You angled your foot, lowering it so that the field applied a
diagonal force to the water below. The repulsive force pushed you to the side,
just in time to avoid being clipped by the sword yourself. However, you felt it
hit the edge of your field. In the split second in came in contact with you, it
drained a nearly quarter of your highly concentrated chakra.

Kisame cackled again, using a water
clone to catch the sword. The clone whipped it at you again. You dodged to the
right, but were suddenly pushed back into its path. You caught a glimpse behind
you and saw Kisame standing there. He had used his own body against you. As your
magnetic force acted on him, an equal force acted back on you, repelling you
into the path of the sword. This time the blade fully connected, hitting you in
the head. As you flew backwards, your vision swirled into black. The last thing
you recalled was crashing into the water, completely devoid of chakra. After
that, there was nothing.

 

You couldn’t figure out why you had
woken up at all.

You had passed out and by all rights
should have been dead. As anyone could see from the battle, Kisame was clearly
not screwing around. He was never one to let people live when he could kill
them. Your only conclusion was a frightening one. Kisame was known for
mutilating people when he had the time. If you were still alive, it was not to
have a tea party by the lake.

Speaking of the lake, you found the
flood had receded. The water around you was a little above ankle deep. The cold
air made for a chilling bath. You propped yourself up on your elbows, shivering
when a breeze blew by. Your left arm protested stiffly. No clot had formed
across the open wound and it still bled profusely.
As you lay shaky in the freezing water, Kisame jabbed his sword right under your
neck. Your wide eyes meet equally dilated, blood shot pupils. Pointed teeth
grinned at you, clearly embracing victory.

“I
think I like you better like this.” Kisame sneered. “You look like a girl
for once.”

Wonderful.
One last jab at your pride before death. Well, if you were going to die anyways,
might as well get the last word in. After all, being afraid had done jack to
save you.

“Damn
it, Kisame! How the hell do I look more like a girl now? Is it because I’m
some little damsel about to be shredded by a giant sword?! Am I so unfeminine
that the only way I can look like a chick is to be a fucking scared shitless?
WHAT THE HELL IS IT!?”

Kisame
shook his head. He lowered his sword to point squarely at your chest.

“No,
it’s because your shirt is see through when it’s wet.”

...

…

“Kisame,
you’re a whore,” you growled, suddenly becoming more self conscious than
ever before. You swung your arms around yourself, hiding your chest from view.

“What’s
the matter?” he urged, an amused look plastered across his face. “All you
could talk about was sex before.”

“Fuck
off!” you snapped. “I’m cold, I’m tired, I’m starved and I am SO
not in the mood to deal with this crap. Just kill me and let me drown in
peace.”

“If
Itachi hadn’t expressly forbid it, I would take you up on that offer.”
Kisame reassured, pulling Samehada back to his shoulder, letting it rest there.

…

…

“WHAT?!”
you shrieked. A suspicious look crossed your face, and your eyes narrowed.
“And why would Itachi forbid my death?”

“Itachi
asked me to remind you to pick your battles.” Kisame repeated.
“Specifically, he said if you started a fight with me, I should remind you why
it was important chose your opponents wisely. He told me not to kill you, but to
scare some sense into you. Right now, we cannot afford to lose a fighter, either
by our own hands or by their bad decisions. Kakuzu kills enough of them as it
is.”

You
sat in the water, completely stunned. You tried to summon some witty retort,
some semblance of pride, but none came. You weren’t going to die, but you were
going to be stuck with the knowledge that Kisame let you live. That little
thought sank into your stomach like a rock, crushing any ego you had left. There
was only one thing to do in a time like this.

Be
really pissed off.

You
arose from the water, and stomped over to Kisame, in a very womanly fit of rage.
You drew yourself up to full height, balancing on the balls of your feet just to
reach his chin. Your eyes focused on his, sending a piercing gaze. Your nose
scrunched, lip twitched, and eyebrows furrowed, as you gave Kisame your most
menacing look. This was the look that had struck terror into the hearts of men
across all the nations. This was the look that made many an enemy commit
suicide. This was THE LOOK to end all “looks”.

You
felt so satisfied when you saw that Kisame was speechless. No doubt, he was
stricken silent by the might of your fury.

Suddenly,
you heard an odd little noise. It started as a movement, nearly a vibration.
Then it grew, turning into a fast guttural spasm. Kisame bowed his head, his
body quaking from toe to head. Slowy, the noise grew, Kisame’s body shaking
with convulsions that matched sound. Finally, Kisame’s head flew upwards. His
gaping jaws opened wide as he roared with laughter.

“DON’T
YOU FUCKING LAUGH AT ME!!!!” you bellowed back, shoving him with all your
strength. Kisame did stumble backwards, but it was only because he needed
something to hold onto. He grasped onto a tree, trying to support his intense
amusement as it racked his blue body. You flung yourself at him, beating him as
hard as your battered remains allowed. You stomped his instep, kicked his shins
and finally, decided to really let him have it. With Kisame off balance, you
took a few steps back and charged him. Your arms caught him around his hips and
both of you went sprawling to the ground. Kisame was practically turning purple,
laughing so hard you doubted he could breathe. You threw punch after punch,
trying to stop him. Between your mangled arm and your low reserves, each strike
was weaker than the last.

“SHUT
UP!”

PUNCH

“SHUT
UP!”

PUNCH

“Shut
up!”

Punch

“Shut
uu-p!”

punch…

“Damn
it Kisame...” you groaned, feeling the chill of the night penetrating your
entire being. It sunk into your bones, eating your anger like a steak dinner and
leaving you with disillusioned embarrassment. You could feel the cool metal of
his sword strap’s buckle digging into your arm. You rested your head on his
chest, trying not to cry in frustration.

“You
know what’s sad…?” you sighed, staring up at Kisame. He did not respond
but he did look down at you. You continued once you had his attention. “This
is probably the closest I’ve been to a man since I joined up.”

Kisame
looked at you blankly, as if he was somewhere else entirely. You frowned at his
lack of attention, but it did not surprise you. After all, Kisame was a
homicidal maniac, not your gossip loving gal pal. You rolled off of him, leaving
a wet spot on his cloak. The grass was wet with dew, not that it affected you
much.

Something
unspoken passed between you, clearly telling you it was time to go. Both you and
he stood up, preparing to leave. Another shiver racked your body, and suddenly
you remembered you were freezing. An evil thought crossed your mind and you eyed
Kisame’s cloak. You had left yours, along with your pants and shoes, back in
your room.

“Hey
Kisame…” you started, strutting up to him. One of your eyes was slightly
more closed than the other, giving you a sinister look.  You
smirked, teeth flashing at him dangerously.

“What?”
he asked, staring at you suspiciously.

 “Give
me your cloak,” you commanded.

“Stop
screwing around,” he replied, staring to walk away.

“Kisame!”
you shouted, charging in front of him and flinging your arms out to block the
way. “I’m freezing my ass off out here and it’s all your fault. Give me
your cloak!”

“Who’s
fault is it? You’re the one that started the fight,” he pointed out, side
stepping you. You could hear the “scuff-shuffle” noise his shoes made above
the chirping of the cicadas.

“Yeah,”
you responded, whipping around and bounding forward to keep up. “However, if
you hadn’t chased me, I wouldn’t have gotten wet. Therefore, it’s more
your fault because you took the final step.”

Kisame
stopped suddenly; you swerved, missing him by a mile. He stared down at you,
meeting your expectant leer with stoic authority.

“You
are not getting my
cloak.”

With
that, he turned on heel and continued to walk back to the inn.

At
this point it occurred to you that you should have been leery. Kisame had nearly
killed you, and, by his own admittance, would have finished the job had it not
been for Itachi’s orders. However, after being in the Akatsuki for so long,
the idea of having people try to kill you it did not bother you much anymore.
Besides that, Kisame started and ended the whole affair on Itachi’s orders.
You were safe as long as those orders stood. Since the Uchiha had made it clear
you would be a pain to replace, you figured they stood until you got killed on
your own. With logic born confidence, you strolled forward. It took huge,
self-assured steps to keep up with Kisame, but those weren’t hard to come by
with your ego.

“I’ll
trade you,” you called teasingly.

“Trade
me?” Kisame asked, not even slowing his intense dead march. You smiled
wickedly. He was
listening. The shark took the bait, now it was time to reel him in.

“I
bet you don’t get a lot of girls either,” you announced evilly.

SCUFF
SCUFF

Kisame
came to a dead stop.

 Perfect.

“I
mean, let’s face it,” you observed, with a shrug and an all knowing shake of
your head. “Your cloak is your chastity belt, right?”

Kisame
did not face you, but you could see his body stiffen. All of his muscles were so
tense that they looked like they might snap. Clearly, you had struck a chord. It
seems that you weren’t the only one suffering from the Akatsuki’s curse of
celibacy. You circled behind him, stalking your prey with unparalleled awareness
to his situation. The feeling was intoxicating. It was about time you had
something to hold over big, blue, and badass.

“Tell
me,” you hissed maniacally in his ear, “when is the last time any girl even
touched you?”

Kisame’s
head dropped like a rock. You could practically see his face darkening in
despair. He was distressed because you were right and he knew it. [4.7]

“I
thought so,” you boasted, crossing your arms. “After all, there isn’t
exactly a line of girls begging to bear your freaky shark babies." [5]

If
possible, Kisame looked even worse. He had gone from standing tall to a lonely
crumpled position. You could see him squat on the ground, drawing incoherent
pictures in the dirt. His features were completely concealed from your line of
vision, tiny little eyes deep in shadow.

 “But,
I have an offer for you,” you informed slyly.

He
lifted his head, and turned to stare at you. 
Your eyes narrowed as you rode out your power trip, completely weightless
with devilish delight. You then uncrossed your arms and raised a single finger.

“One
cloak, one backrub. The cloak now, the backrub tonight after I change and
bandage. Deal?”

There was a long draw out pause. It didn’t
take a genius to figure out what his answer would be. No man, save those with haphephobia
[6], would turn down a backrub from a pretty girl. Though some might think you
were boy, which you vehemently disagreed with, you were still better looking
than most. Hell, even the whores at the bar agreed on that. With your
attractiveness not a factor, there was only one option for our despairing fish
man.

“Deal,”
Kisame replied, turning around and unsnapping his cloak. He pulled his sword and
strap over his head and set them on the ground temporarily. You watched as he
slipped his arms out of the intensely long sleeves. As he handed the giant robe
to you, you found yourself staring at him.

Underneath
his cloak, Kisame wore the traditional Akatsuki under garb. His broad torso was
covered by a black t-shirt with a fishnet lined v-neck collar. The shirt was
made of some soft material that clung to his body, accenting the neatly defined
muscles in his chest.  His upper
limbs were covered by the striped white arm warmers you had glimpsed on
occasion.  Semi-baggy, but tapered
black pants were stuffed into white leg warmers leading down to his sandals. The
tailoring was just distinct enough to show off his toned thighs and rock hard
calves.

 “Coming?”
he asked, picking up Samehada from the ground. Your eyes traveled of their own
accord, settling on a very nice butt.

 “Yeah,
one second,” you replied, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible. You
surrounded yourself in the giant cloak,
feeling like you were in a circus tent. The arms were so long that you rolled
them in half before they stayed out of your way. Without sandals, the cloak
dragged on the ground something awful. You pulled the bottom hem of the cloak up
nearly a foot before you could walk.  You
trailed after him the entire way back to the inn, sneaking glances every now and
again.

You came to the conclusion that this was a very good deal.

 

If
you’re giving Kisame a backrub and nothing more go to part 3
(Non-lemon)

If
you’re giving him a backrub and playing with him a bit too go to part 4
(Lemon)

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

[1] Anatomically, this is called being in a
“supine” position.

[2] There is a
“Snaggletooth shark” in reality. It gets about 8 feet long, lives in the
Indo-Pacific Region, and eats other sharks. That’s pretty freakin’ badass.
Look up some pictures, it’s awesome. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snaggletooth_shark

[2.5]
All
right, to understand the attack you just used, let’s have a little electricity
break down.

The deadliness
of electricity is mostly due to the current, or Amps. Contrary to popular
belief, a high voltage is not necessarily dangerous. Voltage measures how far
the current flows where as Amps is the amount of current forced through. Though
it takes both amps and volts to hurt a person (you need more than zero) people
have be electrocuted by as little as 42 volts DC with a higher amp.

100 miliamps is
the point at which an individual’s heart beat is destabilized, ventricular
fibrillation happens and they are killed. Above 200 miliamps the muscles of the
heart contract so much that it actually clamps down and prevents ventricular
fibulation. However, shocks above 200 miliamps cause severe burns.

However, your attack was a “Gigawatt” hammer.

A “watt” is a measure of power. Watts = Amps * Volts.
This is why a high wattage would still be very deadly. It has both the ability
to move far distances and the current to kill you. A 60 watt incandescent light
bulb is what I run in my reading lamp by my bed. It’s pretty bright.

A gigawatt is
one billion watts. This unit is used for large power plants, entire power grids,
and to measure the power in lightning bolts. I think these three things speak
well enough for your attack’s ability as a deadly weapon.

And I even have
the sources to back me up. God, I love research.

Source 1: http://www.physics.ohio-state.edu/~p616/safety/fatal_current.html

Source 2: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Watt#Gigawatt

Source 3: http://www.nssl.noaa.gov/faq/faq_ltg.php

[3]

Diamagnetism is the property of an object which causes it to create a magnetic
field in opposition of an externally applied magnetic field, thus causing a
repulsive effect. Specifically, an external magnetic field alters the orbital
velocity of electrons around their nuclei, thus changing the magnetic dipole
moment in the direction opposing the external field…. Consequently,
diamagnetism is a form of magnetism that is only exhibited by a substance in the
presence of an externally applied magnetic field. It is generally a quite weak
effect in most materials, although superconductors exhibit a strong effect.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diamagnetism

[4] “Samehada is a large unique sword of
comparable size to Zabuza Momochi's Decapitating Carving Knife. Unlike a regular
sword, Samehada is covered in large scales that shave or shred any surface
instead of cutting it, much like a shark's skin (hence the name). It also has
the ability to absorb any chakra around it, allowing Kisame to literally cut
through his opponent's chakra. The amount that it can absorb is unclear, but it
is shown to even consume the Nine-Tailed Demon Fox's chakra from Naruto
Uzumaki's body with no ill effects.”