I like to watch him sleep

 

Dark eyes snap open. They immediately focus on the body lying next to him. The sharp gaze misses nothing. The body beside him has finally settled. His breathing has finally deepened into true sleep. He has finally stopped watching.

The dark gaze looks over the features of the blond lying next to him. The features have changed from when they were young. The blond is no longer a child. His face has become more mature. But he still retains that innocence. His face still shows that optimism that everything will work out. Like it had never seen death. Like it had never seen violence. Like it had never seen despair.

The dark gaze hardened into a frown. Except when he looks at me.

When awake, his eyes are full of his experiences. When he looks at me its like he can see everything. Every doubt I have ever had. Every fear that has kept me awake. Every hurt I have tried to bury.

He knows everything because he has felt the same. His doubts, his fears, his hurts… they are so close to my own. Doubt that he will be worthy enough. Doubt that he will ever achieve his goals. Fear that no-one can truly care about him. Fear that who he is will always color every opinion others have of him. Hurt that others do not see who he really is. Hurt that he has always had to take care of himself. But mostly fear. Fear that he will always be alone.

I feel my body start to relax as I look at him. The blond spikes across the pillow look like they have a life of their own. The gently pursed mouth looks as if it wants to tell me something. The curved hand looks as if it wants to hold something. Fancies from my own mind.

This is my favorite time of the day. When all is quiet and no one is expecting anything from me. When I am alone with my thoughts and can let them wander where they may. When I can finally focus on my true wants and desires.

When I can finally watch him sleep.

I love to watch him sleep. After picturing him in my mind for so long… to know that he is right here in front of me is amazing. I love the wild riot of blond that won’t be tamed. I love the bright blue that watches me when he thinks I’m not looking. I love the body that when awake cannot remain still. Even in sleep it tends to move with a will of its own. Energy… he always has so much energy and I love when it is focused on me.

I love how he never gave up on me. I love how he always seeks me out. I love how he sees me.

And I love how he doesn’t see me. When he looks at me its like he can see nothing. Everything I have done, every evil I have committed, every hateful thought I have ever had. He sees none of them. None of these things matter to him… because I matter to him.

I reach out and gently stroke one finger down his cheek. My fingers slowly sift through the blond strands of his hair. I have discovered that he doesn’t wake easily when he is with me. He sleeps deeply. At first I wondered about this. With the danger we often face, sleeping deeply is not something we should ever get used to doing. But after watching and observing, I found out that he only sleeps like this when he is alone with me. I like to think it’s because he feels safe. I think that subconsciously he knows I will protect him and he can trust me to take care of him.

I just wish he knew that when he was awake.

When he is awake it’s painful to look into his eyes. Those dazzling blue eyes that seem to watch my every move with a mixture of fear and hope. I find it hard to meet that gaze. I know he thinks I look away because I don’t care… but I just can’t stand to see those emotions in his eyes. They terrify me. I am so afraid that he will figure out how unworthy I am and that I am not worth his time and emotions. I am afraid that someday I will look at him and see disappointment or disgust. Or even worse, I will see just a casual regard because I will have ceased to be important.

I’m afraid to touch him too much. Even as my hand lightly grazes over his body, I don’t allow myself to actually hold on to any part of him. I’m afraid that once I grab hold of him, I’ll never let him go. I want to hold onto him so tightly that I’m afraid I’ll hurt him. I can picture myself being content to hold him throughout the night and for the rest of my life. I want that more than anything else.

I don’t know what I would do if he ever turned his focus on someone else. I’m afraid of what I would do. How do I get rid of his fears and my own? They choke us and make it so that neither one of us can act on our feelings. I pray that his feelings are the same as mine, that his feelings are not just those of a friend who cannot give up on someone who was important during their childhood.

It’s the hope I see in his eyes that keeps me from losing control. Hope that I know mirrors my own feelings though I don’t think he can see them in me.

I want him to hold on like he will never let me go.