Damaged

A/n: so here's chapter three. It's a bit more angsty than the the first two, but if you can stomach it, I think it'll be worth it in the end ^_^ Chapter 4 is in progress as I'm typing this, so that'll be up soon. As always, I hope you enjoy!

******


Sasuke stopped once he had stepped off the elevator. He had to get control of himself before leaving the building. He had to stop crying for fuck’s sake, he wasn’t some thirteen year old girl who had just been rejected by her life long crush, no, he was Uchiha Sasuke, and he didn’t cry, he didn’t allow his emotions take him over and control him. Maneuvering the crutches around in his arms he wiped at his eyes, removing the evidence of his breakdown from his face and forcing it onto his long sleeve.

He paused, the navy cotton still and pressed against his cheek, the dark material standing out in contrast to his flushed, pale skin as he waited, much like a deer trapped in headlights, when the distinct sound of one of the heavy doors in the stairwell slammed closed, the noise flowing down to him from a higher floor, from which one he wasn’t sure. He listened as sneakers squeaked every few steps on the stairs, the person quickly getting closer to him. Sasuke was expecting to see spiky blonde locks appear in the small window to the door on his left any second now, but then another loud slam signaled a different door closing. He released the breath he had been unintentionally holding.

The pain was back in his chest again. He knew Naruto, he knew that the blonde didn’t give up that easily... so where was he? Had he finally given up on him? Had he finally had enough? The thought that Naruto had been and was just telling him what he needed, telling him what he wanted to hear entered his brain again with renewed vigor. Naruto had simply told him what he needed to hear which simply reminded him of all the things they once shared, of all the things they couldn’t have anymore.

Naruto...

Inky locks shook harshly as Sasuke turned away from the empty stairwell, his watery eyes now set on the double glass doors leading out of the building. He had to stop this, stop this want, this need, this weakness. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. They were supposed to be together, they were supposed to be happy, they were supposed to grow old together, laughing at the dumb things kids did when they were younger when they were 80 all the while Naruto asking anyone they passed to ‘pull his finger’. How did it come to this? How did they end up like this? Then he remembered (not that he could ever forget).

A deep growl rumbled in his chest and vibrated up into his throat until Sasuke swallowed the angered sound that was half from the pain now pounding in his leg as he slowly made it though the lobby and half from the hate he had for his ‘uncle’. God how he abhorred that man, the man that held his future in his very hands, held his life and played with it like a toy, the man that seemed to get pleasure out of his pain, his suffering, the man that continued molest every aspect of him (ever aspect) and force Sasuke’s world to become even more disoriented that what it had already been. It wasn’t fair that he gained control of the family money when his parents died, that they didn’t have enough time to set up the proper legal things on a trust in his name. Itachi was the lucky one, he had everything he wanted, he was the prodigy, he never fucked up like Sasuke. No. Itachi was perfect. That homophobic man that was in charge of Sasuke continued to press himself into every nook and cranny of his life even though he was twenty-three years old and according to previous stipulations, parameters set in place in a moment of distress, Sasuke wasn’t even supposed to see Naruto anymore. If he knew, if he ever found out, he would be living out on the street, naked most likely with how ridiculously out of proportion that man took every thing.

The front doors to the dorm stopped his thoughts, it took all of his concentration just to push and hold one open while attempting to walk though the small opening he made, balancing on his one good leg with the crutches in the other hand. How he wished that the car had just crushed him, ended this hell that was his life. He was tired of dealing with everything, tired of walking on eggshells, and tired of not being able to do as he wanted (not that he knew what that was anymore). Sure he could get a job, get money of his own, but with the way his ‘uncle’ was, he’d question his motives for employment, berate them and then demand to get most of the paycheck as payment for all the years he had taken care of him. That car had simply just made his life worse instead of doing what it was supposed to do. He snorted. And the doctors had said he was lucky.

Bullshit.

The cool night air washed over him completely once he was free of the door. The sharp breeze sent his dark locks swirling over tear streaked cheeks while the chill assaulted his nose and stung his overworked lungs. He growled again, there was no way he could get home quick enough like this, with this damn cast on his leg. His fingers were still numb from the pain that the kiss had pushed into his body and sobs continued to lurch up from somewhere deep inside making his chest feel heavier than what it already was with his heart bound tightly with his thoughts, with the knowledge that Naruto was in pain, that he was the cause of that pain. Sasuke could deal with his own, he could take anything thrown at him, hell, he’d rather take the blame for something he didn’t do than deal with arguing with some fucking moron. So, why the fuck was he being so weak now? Why couldn’t he fend for himself like he usually did? What was it that was pulling him down, upsetting him enough to make him cry? Love made you weak, love made you strong, it made you do things you never thought you’d ever do (like fall for a gorgeous, blue-eyed, blonde, bronzed sex god... who happened to act like a moron on a daily basis).

The next step wasn’t quite as painful as the previous ones had been. The memory of Naruto’s perfectly tanned body flashed in his brain causing his fingers to tingle and the air that was in his lungs to quickly grow heavier while burning his heart. The perfect body that could bring him immeasurable, unfathomable amounts of pleasure, that could stop his rapid, overwhelming, rushing thoughts, that could drive him so crazy with want and desire and then pound him into the mattress or caress him softy, the same body that would hold him until he forgot all his pain, was the same one that he could no longer have. Naruto was beautiful and Sasuke could no longer say that that beauty belonged solely to him, no longer look into those sparkling eyes and know that he was the one person that the gorgeous blonde wanted, craved, [i]loved[/i], and had for his own. No, his ‘uncle’ had put an end to that. It was either Naruto or his life and everything that Sasuke had wanted when he was younger. He couldn’t chose, the question had been loaded, pressed onto him without prior notice and there was only one answer that would be accepted and he knew it, Naruto knew it. Naruto had told him to pick the ‘right’ one, the one he knew his ‘uncle’ had wanted and then proceeded to pack what things he had in Sasuke’s home and leave.

Fresh tears rolled down pale, wind blown, reddened cheeks, they were cooled once escaped from those dark eyes, the breeze nipping at them and making the slightly salty droplettes sting in their decent, following the path of their predecessors. He had betrayed everything he had promised Naruto, even if the words had never left his mouth. They just knew each other well enough that when they looked into the other’s eyes it was if they had one mind. Those beautiful blue eyes held the secrets that only Sasuke had been allowed to see and the amount of pain that they held when they kissed for the last time, said goodbye as lovers for the last time broke Sasuke’s heart, he hyperventilated while his stomach was twisted into in knots (and then released the prior two days food intake), and it had tore him apart, pushed him to speed away from his home and into tree. He swore that he’d never hurt Naruto again, he’d never be the cause of any pain in the blonde’s life; but here he was, causing more pain, breaking Naruto’s heart all over again while his own was being blended into a fine paste for his ‘uncle’ to use on his dainty, lightly salted crackers.

No.

He wasn’t going to allow this to continue, he wasn’t going to allow himself to be used anymore, he couldn’t take it, he couldn’t handle losing Naruto all over again. The blonde was the only person- Goddamnit. Who the fuck would be calling him right now?

Naruto?

Sasuke stopped where he was, balancing himself on his good leg while digging for vibrating device in his pocket. His heart raced, maybe Naruto didn’t give up on him, maybe he was calling to tell Sasuke to wait... No, he wasn’t so lucky. The muscles in his jaw flexed visibly under the pale skin. It was his ‘uncle’; if he didn’t answer the phone he might as well never return home. Fuck, that man took the smallest things out of context and flipped over them backwards and then used them against him.

“Yeah?” His voice was cold, composed, so much different that what he expected it to be that it surprised him. He listened as the voice on the other end began to yell, to tell him that he was getting on his last nerve (when wasn’t he?), telling Sasuke how he had failed him again, then question him about where he was, how he had gotten there and that was only the beginning. God, he couldn’t deal with this right now, he couldn’t handle another one of his ‘uncle’s’ episodes.

Fuck.

“I needed a ride, that’s all it was, its not like I can drive.” Sasuke growled out, explaining why he was at the collage campus instead of being at home, locked away in his room away from everyone, away from the world, away from Naruto. He could feel the tears of frustration push on the back of his eyes, the emotional vomit from today still fresh in his throat. “It was just a fucking ride, nothing else. He cares for me, it’s not like we had sex in the backseat.” His knuckles screamed angrily at him, turning red then white with the steel grip he had on the phone. “I’m on my way home no-” Pearly teeth ground painfully together as Sasuke listened to the paranoid man bitch about how he’d seen a comment on his homepage from the blonde, how Sasuke continued to keep his phone number in his cell, that he kept a few mementos (a shirt and a pair of boxers) that Naruto had left, that Sasuke still had pictures of him, of them together. Once he started in on Sasuke about how lucky he was that he allowed, allowed him to keep Naruto as a friend he tuned him out. No. This was enough; this was going to be the last time he had to listen to the hypocrite tell him what to do, what think, tell him what he was feeling. This was his final push over the edge.

He hung up, not waiting to say goodbye to the one person who seemed to have damaged him more than anyone else, from the person who had spent most of their time breaking Sasuke down further, pushing him closer and closer to his tipping point. The phone was turned off and then shoved into his pants pocket with more force than what was necessary. He worked the crutches back under his arms and continued down the sidewalk. What did he do to deserve- No, he knew that this was entirely his own fault, that he had done everything wrong, that he had failed and this was his punishment, this was the life he was supposed to have. But if this was what he had made it, then it was what he could take away.

Ignoring the sharp sting on his face and the pain that each one of his forceful, angered steps sent though his right side, Sasuke continued forward, moving as quick as his crippled state would allow, heading towards the large building in front of him. The side door was propped open letting a stripe of white light pour out into the sidewalk, the light was almost like a guide, beckoning him inside and giving him the confidence he needed to make it to the top floor.

He remembered sitting up on the ledge looking down at the people below while Shikamaru smoked a cigarette between classes, he remembered reading about people who had survived falling from such a height in those classes, talking about how peaceful it was, that they never felt any pain when they landed, that there was no flashing moments from their lives before their eyes, that it was just the wind against their body and then the warm caress of blackness, of everything and nothing. He wanted that peace, he needed it, he needed to end this pain that he was constantly in, he needed to end the suffering he inflicted on himself, on others. He needed to stop the pain he inflicted on Naruto, to stop the worry, the headaches, the heart aches. He needed this time to work.

He needed this time to not fail.

******

Blue orbs stared at the closed doors, at the reflection of their owner in the heavy metal, for about three tenths of a second before the vacant hall was filled with sound of his bare feet smacking against the linoleum as he ran towards his room. He needed to get to Sasuke, he needed to make that bastard see that he wasn’t alone, that he was wanted, he was loved and that everything was going to be alright, he was going to make everything better. It had to be alright, he had to be better than this.

The anguish he saw in those dark orbs was nothing like he’d seen before. The fact that Sasuke continued to give in, that he continued to blame himself for things, that he’d lost the will to fight, to stand up for himself, got under his skin, it had his mind always thinking about whether the pale skinned beauty was okay or not, always worrying about him all while pushing him to work harder, to talk to Sasuke even when he was closing himself from everyone and everything.

He’d saved Sasuke from himself once, stopped him when he had walked in on him, blade pressed against that milky skin with a dark stream of blood flowing quickly towards the floor. The sight had crushed him, had caused his heart to break, to drop to his feet which seemed to have of lost all functionality at the time. He couldn’t believe that Sasuke would do such a thing, that his proud, stoic best friend, his lover, would resort to cutting himself because he couldn’t deal with all the shit in his life anymore (though he didn’t blame him). God, there had been so much blood...

Naruto growled, angry that the hall had suddenly seemed to have grown longer. He hated this hall and he hated that Sasuke would let things pile up on him until he couldn’t carry the load, that he’d carry it around until he would break down, he’d snap and hide, he’d disappear and blame everything on himself, and he’d hurt because he thought he deserved it, he thought that his life didn’t mean much to anyone, but he didn’t deserve it and his life meant something, it meant everything to him.

That was the one thing that he had tried to pound into the dark haired beauty, to get the fact that he did matter to him, that it was never to late to change things , that he was missed, he was loved, that it was alright if he wanted to cry (it didn’t make him weak to), that it was alright if he wanted to be held tightly in his arms. Sasuke was too goddamned thick skulled and it took most of his energy to continuously press those facts onto him, to constantly reassure him and it gave him headaches, made him worry but only because he cared so deeply for him, because he wanted Sasuke to see what he saw, to see that he was beautiful (gorgeous, perfect), that he was talented (he could follow his dreams), he was wanted (and not just by him), and he had every reason in this world to live, to fight... but the only thing it did was make Sasuke think he was a burden, that he was causing Naruto grief and pain, and those thoughts had drove Sasuke to want to end his life, to end the pain he believed he was causing; but his pain was coming from the fact that he couldn’t do anything to change his loves life, that he was helpless to do anything to completely save Sasuke from everything that was driving him to suffer.

The images of that night continued to flash in front of his eyes as he scrambled to open his door. God, why did he have to so distracted? Why couldn’t he pay more attention instead of wanting it all on him? Why couldn’t he take on more? Why couldn’t the world see that he needed to move forward faster? And why the fuck won’t this damn door open?!

He couldn’t allow Sasuke to think that he’d abandoned him, to think that he’d forgotten about him, to think that he’d given up on his goals, the goals that were going to change their futures and allow them to be together. It didn’t matter if they couldn’t talk anymore, that they rarely saw each other, or that they weren’t allowed to say ‘I Love You’. Naruto knew Sasuke loved him with all his being and he loved the broody raven haired man just the same. Sasuke was his life, Sasuke was the reason he was working so hard, he was going to save him, he was going to take him away from everything that caused him pain, caused him to lose himself to dark thoughts and stupid actions. If only the bastard would wait. He was just one person, he couldn’t do it all; he needed to get through collage, he needed A’s, needed money, and needed more fucking time. He was going to get his degree and then he’d get an awesome job and have a big ass paycheck and they wouldn’t need anything else in the world... except for maybe a cat.
The door finally decided to cooperate and Naruto bolted inside, his blonde hair was simply a flash in front of his friend’s eyes as he scrambled to find his shoes.

Notebooks, text books, porn, ramen cups, clothes, more clothes, porn, pens, drawing pads, more ramen cups... Damnit! Why wasn’t he more organized? Where the fuck were his shoes?!

Ignoring the questions of ‘what’s the rush?’ and ‘where’s the fire?’, and ignoring the questioning stares from his friends as they watched the seemingly insane blonde tear though his belongings, Naruto continued to search, throwing the unwanted objects everywhere before turning to the next area and searching.

“Fuck!”

He stopped, pulling in a slow, deep breath. He’d had them on when they came back, before they had moved into the center of the room to play a few games...

“The door!” He rushed over to see his sneakers lying haphazardly tossed down near the side of his desk by the door. He slipped them on, not caring that he didn’t have on any socks, he didn’t have time for them. Straightening up he looked around to quickly check to see where his phone was in case he couldn’t find the bastard and needed to call him, needed to stop him from doing something he’d regret.

Sasuke...

Naruto knew they were all looking at him, wondering what had transpired out in the hall between him and Sasuke, and he knew they could see the tear trails on his cheeks, that they could see the fresh ones forming out of frustration, desperation. He grabbed his cell off the bed and made a mad dash for his door that was slightly ajar from when he had entered.

A soft knock stopped him in his tracks. The floor’s ‘manager’ peeked his head inside to inform his friends that they needed to leave because it was getting late. No shit Sherlock! It was late, he was late, he needed to get downstairs right now and get to Sasuke, get to the one person that if he lost, he might as well be shot on the spot because he wouldn’t want to live without him. Naruto growled, he needed to get to Sasuke now before his angsty ass did something incredibly stupid, something they both knew he wasn’t afraid of doing.

Time seemed to tick by painfully slow as everyone gathered their things together. They were doing this on purpose, they had to be; they were doing this to torture him, taking their precious time with pushing books in bags, pulling shoes on feet, fuck, Sasuke was injured and he moved faster than these slowpokes. Sasuke.... shit, Sasuke had to be halfway home by now, and who knows if he wasn’t walking down the middle of the freeway to get there!

With a quick glance over his shoulder he pushed his way out of his room no longer caring that they were speaking to him, (he wasn’t listening anyway), that he was leaving his door unlocked to anyone who wanted to come in and steal anything, no, all he cared about right now was getting to Sasuke and setting the gorgeous bastard straight.

Bypassing the elevator Naruto flung open the door to the stairwell, taking the steps two at a time before jumping down the last eight to land on the small platform between floors, he headed to the lobby. God, the look in those dark eyes, he’d never seen Sasuke break down into tears like that before, he’d never known that strong, beautiful body to sob, to cry as hard as he had been. Shit, he should have said something sooner, he should have told Sasuke what he’d been thinking when he thought it, he should have reminded Sasuke that his plans didn’t change, he should have asked what was wrong when he knew something was bothering him, what it was that was getting him down, causing him pain. He shouldn’t have denied his own feelings, shouldn’t have kept them to himself, pretending as if he wasn’t in the pain he knew he was in. He deluded himself from his own feelings at the first sign of sadness, it’s what he’d taught himself to do, forced himself to do, to just convince himself that he wasn’t depressed or in pain, that he wasn’t lonely, that he didn’t miss the stoic man, that he didn’t still love him. He had to do it, he couldn’t let anything get in his way, not even the fact that he was in love or a stupid thing like being depressed because he couldn’t have the man of his dreams, the love of his life, the light of his soul, right now. No, Uzumaki Naruto was a golden ball of sunshine that rained down happiness on everyone around him, he was hyper, he was exciting, he was original, and nothing was going to stand in the way of his dream.

They were opposites, light and dark, quiet and loud, soft and rough, angsty and smily. They were made for each other, complemented each other, even their bodies fit together perfectly. Sasuke was lean, pale, elegant, perfect; while he was muscled, tanned, and rugged. Even if the broody SOB got on his nerves all time, he loved him, he loved that he could see what Sasuke was thinking when he stared into those bottomless onyx pools, he loved that he could kiss those plump lips and know that he was taking away the pain that tore though that beautiful body, loved that when Sasuke was down he let him hold him, touch him softly and just enjoy being together. God how he missed laying next to him, how he missed running his fingers over the soft skin, missed placing chaste kisses over his body, missed nipping at the flesh just behind Sasuke’s ear and making him melt, he missed being able to show him everything that no one else got to see, missed being able to watched him sleep, being able to say 'I Love you' and know that he was loved back just the same, just as much even if the words weren't returned. He missed everything about the raven and just the thought of never being able to see him again sent a fresh wave of tears to his eyes. If Sasuke was gone then he’d-

The cold air hit him head on, shocking his heated body, jolting him from his thoughts as it rolled over his bare skin.

Shit.

He’d forgot to grab a jacket and the muscle-t he was wearing didn’t cover him well, it wasn’t thick enough to keep the cold from assaulting his glistening skin and the shorts he had on defiantly weren’t helping. He’d started to sweat while panicking, while running down seven flights of stairs to get to the person he wasn’t sure was at the bottom. A shiver ran though him as his glazed over deep blue pools quickly scanned the courtyard and the surrounding buildings. There was no sign of Sasuke, no sign that anyone or anything was out here or that they had been out here in the past few minutes. How long, how much time had he wasted? He started walking, unsure where to go, unsure where Sasuke’s self-destructive thoughts would take him, but knowing he needed to move, to continue forward.

Hold on.

God, Sasuke, hold the fuck on! Didn’t he know? Didn’t Sasuke think that he still wanted him, that he still loved him, still dreamed about him, still fantasized about him? When had he forgotten all the things Naruto had tried to input into his brain? When had he given up on happiness again? When had stopped believing that it would all be alright that Naruto would change things, that he’d turn everything around? When had Sasuke decided that ending his life was the best option?! He knew his best friend was unstable, that he was hanging by a thread, but something had sent him over the edge, something had caused that thin string that was steadily unwinding to snap.

Fuck.

He needed to get to Sasuke, he needed to save him, to tell him how much he loved him, that if only he could hang on for a few more years that he’d save him, he’d fix him (fix this), tell him that it would be everything he had promised and so much more. If only Sasuke would just hang on, if he’d just give him a chance. He knew his ‘uncle’ was pushing him, forcing him to do things he didn’t want, forcing him to choose things out of fear and Naruto wanted to beat the shit out of that man, out of the person who was supposed to have protected Sasuke but was hurting him instead, killing him slowly and damaging him more than any person ever could.

Fresh tears welled up, clung to his thick blonde lashes as he thought about everything Sasuke had told him, all the shit he’d been through, thought about the pain that coursed though the raven’s veins on a daily basis. He wanted to stop that pain so badly, to protect Sasuke from everything while nurturing him with the love that he deserved, he wanted to show Sasuke how much pleasure he could have, how much love that his body contained just for him. All Naruto wanted to do was to pull Sasuke into his arms and keep him there forever and never let him go... if only he could find him, if only he could get to him in time.

Wait for me, Sasuke.

A small crack of light in his peripheral vision drew his attention, pulled those glassy blue orbs to it as if it was showing him, leading him. Naruto flanked and ran towards the propped open door as fast as he could, wincing when the light hit him, flooding his unready eyes and making him temporarily blind. A few tears slipped from under those golden lashes, running down over heated, whiskered cheeks as he took off down the hall towards the elevator, the stairs, anything that would get him to the roof where he knew Sasuke would be headed.

He hoped that he wasn’t too late, that he’d make it in time. He didn’t see anything on the ground outside (what he could see of it). He knew that people liked to hang out on the roof, knew that Sasuke had been up there many times before, even confessed about sitting on the ledge and staring down at the sidewalk. He found the elevator and smacked at the button next to the doors, which lit up happily before the motors kicked on and began to bring the car down to him.

Down, Shit! Sasuke was already here, already up there, he didn’t have time to wait, he didn’t have time just stand around while his best friend continued to work his way towards the edge, towards the one thing that would separate them forever.

He blinked though the haze that was his vision, pressing the tears back while searching for the door to the stairwell. Where the fuck was it!? Someone was purposely doing this, hiding everything he needed to get to Sasuke, pushing things in his way, slowing him down. He was going to kill the architects of this building right after Sasuke’s ‘uncle’ but not before he pulled the brooding bastard from the edge and then beat some sense into him. Why couldn’t he see that everything he had said was true, that he missed him, that he’d save him, that he still loved him (he had always loved him, adored him!)? What was it that his ‘uncle’ had said that made him forget everything Naruto had worked so hard to show him? Damnit, why couldn’t Sasuke see that it was never too late to change things? He tried to make him feel like it wasn’t too late, that staying alive was worth it, that it would be worth it, but then something would happen, something would corrupt him, turn him against himself and make him want things, do things that he knew he didn’t want, do things he didn’t want to do.

He couldn’t do everything, he couldn’t always be there to help him chose and Sasuke needed to want to be saved, he needed to have more confidence. Why couldn’t he see that he was strong, he was dark, mysterious, wanted, loved, beautiful, charming, addicting.... Fuck! He was everything that Naruto wanted and more; he needed Sasuke like he needed air and he knew that Sasuke felt the same about him.

The reaction, the look in those dark eyes had told him everything that he needed to know, told him everything that had ran though that thick, beautiful head, showed him the pain that was rapidly flowing though his body. He knew that Sasuke had been on edge, that being around everyone had set something off, he knew that his inattention didn’t help, that he had felt left out again, but as much as he wanted to just give Sasuke one-hundred percent of himself, he couldn’t, he’d already neglected everyone and everything for the raven haired beauty and now, now he wished that he had pulled him back inside, had kissed him harder, held him tighter.

No.

Sasuke was still alive, he was still brooding, still limping towards the ledge. He’d get there in time, he would pull him back, he would save him like he had before. It’s not too late! He picked up his pace taking the stairs four at a time instead of two, sneakers squeaking on the newly cleaned steps that he managed to use.

It’s not too late...

a/n: Sorry for the cliffie! *is ebil* haha but no worries, there's more to come and reviews are more than welcome!