Goodbyes Paid Forward

Iruka closed Kakashi's apartment door behind him and silently slipped out of his shoes. He hesitated, half expecting Kakashi to call out to him. After half a minute he exhaled his relief into the continuing silence.

He felt an irrational surge of almost-guilt as he looked down at the socks that had so recently littered Kotetsu's bedroom floor. Nice guy Iruka would have stared down at them, mentally rehearsing explanations and apologies.

Frustrated, erection-for-almost-two-hours Iruka literally said, "Fuck socks" as he stripped them from his feet, tossed them on top of his shoes, and vaguely blamed Kakashi for somehow causing that annoying half-formed guilt feeling.

Slowly, he turned to look at himself in Kakashi's hanging mirror. He ran one finger over the scar men he had been intimate with always found so touchable. So cute. He thought of the playfully indulgent look that would come over the faces of his lovers as they traced over sweet Iruka's cute scar.

Then he thought of the kunai knife he hadn't been quick enough to avoid slicing through his skin, quickly followed by a look of panicked hatred on Mizuki's face during the three second delay between Iruka's receiving the wound and feeling the pain of it. At the time, Iruka thought he had imagined the look. Mizuki had been eleven-years-old, Iruka eight. They'd been academy acquaintances, not yet friends.

He took a moment to attempt straightening his hair in the mirror, tidying up the mess he'd made of it while sleeping and... not sleeping. He could almost feel the ghost fingers of every man he had ever shared his body with tugging his hair free, then running their fingers through it, enjoying the feel and the supposed beauty of it. He loosed his own hair and looked at his reflection, seeing a shadow of his father muted by memory and time, looking back out at him. This pain was unbearable, and he turned from the mirror.

Kakashi definitely knew he was here. Iruka could almost reach out and touch the sulky tension radiating from the bedroom. Still, neither of them spoke as Iruka quietly put one foot in front of the other, feeling the cold wood floor striking first his heel, then the rest of each stepping foot, and sending chills up his body. He had always found this floor so beautiful. Why hadn't he ever noticed how ice cold it could be?

He stopped and looked around the room, each of his senses feeling heightened from his earlier encounter with Izumo and Kotetsu. The absence of sound made the blood rushing through his own body and the low thud of his own pulse as audible as ritual drumming. He could only smell the unnerving absence of smell that homes... No, not homes. Of residences where the owner never cooked, ate, relaxed, did laundry, or did anything but occasionally sleep. He felt the cold against his feet spread through his body until a shiver shot down his spine. He reflexively altered his path from Kakashi's bedroom, heading towards the bathroom instead.

He told himself he needed to calm his over-sensitized body. To clean up. It was Kakashi's way to go from bed to bed, still wearing the scent of other men.

The bathroom tile was cold enough to make his teeth chatter. His entire body was shaking by time the water had heated enough for him to shed his rumpled clothing and step in to the running shower.

His original intention had been to speed through his clean up, but the water washing over him felt so soothing that he reveled in the feeling of muscles untensing, hair untangling, and rivulets of water cleansing his body. Under different circumstances Kakashi would have joined him before the first drop had hit the shower floor. Under these circumstances, Iruka showered alone.

He took his time, warming his body, trying not to let his mind drift to the many playful, sensual showers he had shared with Izumo over the last two weeks. That was over. He needed to only look forward. Although...

It really would be a good idea to warm some soap between his hands and take a minute to cleanse his erection with his tightly wrapped right hand. Surely he could take a minute to reach back with his left, middle finger and push just inside of himself.. Just like that... To make sure he was completely fresh. Completely ready for whatever was about to unfold. He leaned his forehead against the shower wall, watching the drops run from his hanging tendrils of hair to swirl down the drain as his enthusiastic self-cleaning threatened to bring this surprise visit to a very quick close.

He forced himself to pull his hands away, turning the water temperature down a few notches until he had regained his earlier state of over-sensitized wariness. He sighed, turning off the water. At least he was clean. Relatively speaking.

With Kakashi's thickest towel wrapped around him he wrung as much water as possible from his hair into the sink, toweled it as dry as he could, then used the towel to wipe a circle through the steam on the mirror.

Now that the Third was gone, no one in Konoha saw Iruka. First he had shielded himself from others' view by hiding behind pranks. Later he hid behind the nurturing sweetness that covered him as imperceptibly as Gaara's layer of sand. These deceptive layers muted him as surely as the steam that quickly reformed on the mirror, obscuring Iruka's view of himself. He felt relief. He didn't want to look at the raw bundle of pain facing out of that mirror any more than the Konoha villagers wanted to see his true, inner self. He waited until no trace of him looked out from the clouded mirror before dropping his towel and heading into Kakashi's bedroom.

He crept closer to Kakashi, watching his long-time lover feign sleep, face down, mask off. Allowing Kakashi the pretense of sleep, Iruka slowly peeled the blanket back, savoring the sight of Kakashi's naked backside as each inch was exposed.

He slowly crawled onto the bed, straddling Kakashi's legs. Ordinarily, Iruka would have craved conversation and caresses. He would have secretly- or not so secretly- ached to see Kakashi's mask-less face.

On this night, with this level of frustrated arousal, Iruka didn't care. Kakashi had never truly seen Iruka. It was only fitting that Iruka not be able to see Kakashi.

He slowly crawled forward, letting his sweet persona drowse sleepily as another feeling- a long dormant, primal, predatory feeling- began to stir awake. He stopped moving forward at the low, muffled sound of Kakashi's voice.

"I thought you'd forgotten your way."

The voice alone was enough to coax just the smallest bead of pre-come from Iruka. He let his cock jerk forward, untouched, as he shifted his knees and nudged Kakashi's legs apart into a "V" wide enough for Iruka to settle down in between.

"Sometimes I wish I could forget my way back to you. But I remember. I'm the one who needs to ask what you remember. What do you remember, and what do you really know about me?"

Kakashi kept his face buried in his folded arms, not answering.

The usual next step would have been for Iruka to sigh, swallow his hurt, and retreat. This time, his body refused. The seeds of rebellion Kotetsu had planted were beginning to bear fruit. The overpowering need for orgasm triumphed over self-depreciating habit: There would be no retreat.

Iruka's arched index finger and thumb descended to where Kakashi's right thigh met curved muscle and pinched.

"Ow, fucker!"

Iruka fought the giddy impulse to laugh. He didn't pinch people, and Kakashi didn't call him "fucker." His laughter morphed into deeper arousal at the sight of the angry red mark he had left, and the way Kakashi reflexively spread his legs just a little bit wider, and raised his hips the slightest bit.

Iruka watched another drop of pre-come leak from his growing-painfully-impatient erection.

His mind resisted doing what his cock longed to do.Wait... He told himself. Step carefully.

Mind and body compromised, agreeing to talk and to tease. Maybe even borderline torment. Just for a minute... or two.

"What do you know about me, Kakashi?"

This time Kakashi answered. "Enough."

Iruka licked his thumb, then gently rubbed the reddened area he had just pinched.

"Well, I saw my parents die. You know that, right? They were killed right before my eyes by the demon sealed inside the child I was later entrusted to act as guardian over. A jounin held me back, kicking and screaming, when I wanted to either defend my parents or die alongside them. You knew that, right? Everyone knows that. So, that tragedy from my childhood gives me a free pass to be an asshole. Isn't that how it works?"

Kakashi's body tensed defensively, but he remained silent.

Iruka still felt a weakening temptation to stop. Retreat. Run. He also felt a different sort of temptation. A growing temptation to roughly push inside of this angry, self-absorbed, bitter man who was infinitely stronger than himself... A temptation to spread the silently furious, ex-ANBU's legs and fuck into him without thought or consideration for anything other than his own release.

His mind and body struggled for a few moments, then compromised again. A little more talk, and a bit more playing. The kind both mind and body could enjoy.

What should be done about Kakashi's sullenness? Nice Iruka would have held a one-sided conversation while repressing the pain over his lover's silence. Two-hour erect Iruka got irritated. Impatient. Angry.

He found himself leaning down to just above the red pinch mark in order to sink his teeth down, biting hard enough to make Kakashi jump.

"What in the fuck Iruka? What the hell did you and Izumo do for two weeks?"

Oh, god... That voice. Iruka's dripping cock swelled at the sound of Kakashi's raised, angry, sexually-aroused-and-resenting-it voice.

"I don't need to explain that to you. My tragic history has converted me into a self-centered prick who gets to do what he wants, when he wants to do it. And right now, I want to find out what exactly you know about me."

Iruka felt slightly lightheaded as Kakashi simultaneously clenched his fists in simmering rage and spread his legs just a little bit wider. He ran his eyes over his lover's body as he continued.

"Did you know that I started fucking random men in the woods when I was fourteen? Fucking, getting fucked, whichever. One man, two men, three men... Whoever showed up at the same time, same place, I did. I didn't care who they were. Did you know that?"

Kakashi's replying voice was quiet. Strained. "Fascinating story."

Iruka sprang forward and bit him again. Harder.

"Fuck, Iruka! Seriously... Enough." Kakashi's voice rose in anger and irritation... Yet his legs spread slightly wider, and his hips tilted up the smallest bit.

Iruka sat back and pinched his own right thigh hard enough to provide a distraction from his erection, now copiously leaking pre-come. He'd come this far. Just a little bit longer... Wait. Say a little bit more.

"Ah, but I haven't had enough yet. I'm so sad about the gut-wrenching death of my family, and agonizing betrayal of my precious person Mizuki, that I can't help being an asshole to people I care about. That's how this works, right?"

He raised himself up on his knees and leaned forward, bracing his left hand against the mattress. His right hand lightly brushed the tip of his cock across Kakashi's pinch and bite marks, spreading the pre-come like a soothing balm.

Kakashi cut short his responsive moan, growling, "You do know that I could force you into submission at any second."

Iruka shivered with pleasure, leaning back to sit lightly on Kakashi's legs while still holding himself in his right hand. "I know you could. I also know you won't. I'm not... him."

Iruka didn't want to speak Sasuke's name. Not even to tell a story so interesting it might have crossed the line into intriguing. If he had chosen to, he could have told Kakashi a story that took place a couple of years ago during a stretch of time Kakashi had been neglectful, angsting over ANBU memories, and spending the majority of his nights with Genma and Raidou. He could have shared a story in which Iruka shamefully slipped into the woods, making his way by memory to the depths and coupled with an anonymous man. A young man who gasped in surprise afterwards when his finger fumbled across the scar on Iruka's nose, and flashed sharingan eyes for just a short moment.

The pained guilt this particular memory caused Iruka, as well as the pain it could potentially cause that young man who'd already experienced more than his share, kept Iruka silent.

Forcibly returning himself to the moment, Iruka almost came just from the realization that Kakashi had lay perfectly still, obediently waiting to see what Iruka would say and do next. Kakashi... Submitting to him. The wait was crossing the line into painful, but Iruka perversely delayed his release one more time. He had one last thing to discuss.

He lowered his voice to just above a whisper and asked, "Did you know about my relationship with Mizuki?"

Silence.

He leaned down again, but before his teeth met with Kakashi's skin the other man replied, "A little. I know a little, and that's all I want to know."

"You sure? I know so much about you and your friends. I've seen sketches, scenes from videos..."

He paused for a moment, thrilling to the feel of Kakashi's body once again tensing under him. "I know you like domination, and obedience, and restraint. I could tell you all kinds of stories about my relationship with Mizuki that I'm sure you'd enjoy. Stories about..."

"Stop." Kakashi's tone and body language reiterated the command. Stop. These are things I can't bear to hear.

Iruka stopped.

Again, the maliciously charged potential for pleasure was outweighed by the very real discomfort of unearthing those memories. Just having Kakashi know that little bit would have to be enough.

Even more importantly, Iruka couldn't wait any longer.

"There's one thing I'm pretty sure you don't know." He pressed the leaking tip of his erection against Kakashi's hole, teasing. "Did you know I have one of these?"

He stretched forward and used his left hand to fumble around, opening and searching the night table drawer for lube. He barely resisted the temptation to snatch Kakashi's damned mask from the table top and shred it. Instead, he prepared himself and Kakashi as quickly as his shaking, out-of-practice hands would allow.

Amazingly, Kakashi remained still and silent. His lack of response, positive or negative, unnerved Iruka. He felt his resolve falter. One last temptation to retreat flashed through him as panic threatened to eclipse his arousal. Pride and need held him in place long enough to utter, "Maybe I should just take care of this problem of mine myself and let you go back to sleep. You don't seem to want..."

Kakashi wordlessly indicated his want by pressing his forearms down into the mattress, shifting his body from under the restraint of Iruka's legs, lifting up his hips, and arching his back in irresistible invitation.

Primal urges that had lay dormant for years awoke at the sight and Iruka fumbled, trembling as he aligned their bodies. He wanted to push inside, needed to thrust his way to release, but... His body held back. The urge to dominate couldn't subdue Iruka's deeper craving for the passiveness of penetration. The submissiveness of remaining completely still, able to luxuriate in the initial sensations of fucking. He remained frozen, his deepest desires warring with each other.

Kakashi understood.

Iruka almost wept with relief as his lover pushed backwards, letting Iruka guide the entrance with a just-steady-enough hand. Inch by slow inch, Kakashi pushed backwards until their bodies were flush.

Iruka remained still until the initial waves of pleasure allowed room for heated desire. The desire for more. His pendulum swung from submissive back to dominating in the time it took him to spread Kakashi with his thumbs, clearing the view of his claim-staking. His need was too great for finesse. There would be no sensual pace increase, no subtle manipulations of angle and rhythm. He shifted his grip to Kakashi's hips and began thrusting with near-violent abandon, letting guttural sounds slip from his body as he selfishly careened towards release.

Kakashi wordlessly acquiesced to the shift of sexual power, lifting his hips higher, spreading his legs wider, and calling out Iruka's name in a voice that mixed equal parts wonder with sensual pleasure.

Iruka never once spoke Kakashi's name. The cry that tore from his throat as he finally reached completion could have been for any man. Could have been for his own hand. The emptiness of this realization washed over him before his orgasm had finished shuddering through his body and he felt an overpowering desire to fill the frightening, undefinable void that had opened inside of him.. To force confessions of love, promises of monogamy... To drink in the exposed sight of his lover's face.

Before he had time to withdraw his body from Kakashi's, the man underneath him was already clutching for his mask. Already seeking refuge in distance.

And the moment passed. The emptiness gaping inside of Iruka refilled partially with familiar sadness, but also with something new. Unexpected. Iruka felt the emotional void filling with emotional courage and resolve.

Ignoring the look of desirous need in Kakashi's eyes as he gazed up from the bed, Iruka wearily climbed off and headed to the bathroom to collect his clothes. He hadn't written the script for this night-turned-day of goodbyes paid forward, but he was grateful for the movement. Even if the direction were one that would inevitably break his heart, this situation desperately needed to move forwards. He waited until he was fully dressed to rejoin Kakashi in the bedroom, and he forced himself to keep his gaze above his lover's waist.

"This is the first and the last time you'll hear me say this, Kakashi. Go to Sasuke. Do what you need to do and say what you need to say. Figure out what you want, and who you want it from. You and I are both too broken for an open relationship."

He began walking from the room, quickly speaking over Kakashi's protests. "I'll always love you, Kakashi. Even so, I finally feel ready to say goodbye. How temporary or permanent this goodbye is depends on the choices you make when I leave. The choices are yours, but you make them today."

He paused at the bedroom door, but he didn't look back.

"Goodbye Kakashi."

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Thank you so much for all of your help on this one, llyoung ^____^

Thank you for reading, and thank you especially for taking the time to rate and/or review. I appreciate that so very much.