A Dream for a Dream

A Dream for a Dream

chapter 3

I had never felt it before, that level of despair. I'd never allowed myself to fall so low. No matter what had happened before, no matter how hard things got, I had always maintained a certain degree of optimism. I'd always been able to convince myself that things could and would get better. There was always hope. A change was right around the corner.

When my best friend had run away from the village, determined to join the enemy, there was some kind of action I could take. I knew that all I had to do was go after him and get him back. This was vastly different.

Every hope I'd ever had was ripped from me in that one painful moment. My dream felt so far out of my reach. Worse than when I'd started out even. There's something just plain earth shattering about hitting ground zero from such a height. And I had climbed so hard and gotten so high by then that the fall knocked the wind out of me. It was literally hard to breath for a long while afterward. The frustration is just overwhelming.

Starting from the bottom is one thing, but starting all over again, is enough to bring tears to the eyes of even the most determined of souls.

I couldn't take any action on this. Not only because I'd been sent on this so-called mission. (And make no mistake I saw it for the 'banishment' it truly was. The whole mission cover story was a joke.) but gaining the trust of anyone is more of a waiting game than anything else, and I had already been waiting for so very long. Regaining a broken trust takes even longer.

But the part that truly burned, was the realization that I never actually 'had' gained the trust of my village, even after all I'd done. They'd been willing to placate me (or Tsunade, more likely) but it was just a mirage. It made me realize the sheer impossibility of my goal with a staggering finality.

They were simply making it look like they'd given me a chance while they waited for the right excuse to take it away. That excuse had come faster than I'm sure even they had ever expected. And in the form of my own 'best friend'!

At first the betrayal was a shock, the likes of which had me functioning in a daze for more than a week after the fact. Then the anger had washed over me. Anger I hadn't felt since I had fought off and killed the evil bastard who'd threatened the very same friend that I now cursed to hell and back.

I had been willing to do whatever it took to help him, to free him and keep him safe. I'd devoted so much time and effort to him, done everything I possibly could to make his life better. I risked my very life for him time and again, asking for nothing in return.

How DARE that son of a bitch, make such horrible accusations! How DARE he turn his back on me! How could he possibly tear apart the dream I had worked so hard to build, so carelessly!

For awhile I wanted to rend him limb from limb. But that kind of intense anger is draining, and eventually even unnatural stamina like mine, has to run out, at least for a little while.

After weeks of traveling on a pathetic excuse for a mission, going through all the motions on automatic without bothering to sleep at all, I finally found myself exhausted enough to settle down and rest. Then the power behind the emotion just fell away, leaving me alone with my thoughts. That was when I really started asking myself all the questions that I'd been avoiding.

'Why' had he done that to me? Had he simply been startled into overreacting? But those strange accusations... I mean 'seducing' him? The very idea that I would do such a thing...

What had even made him think of such an explanation in the first place? Had I possibly been giving out some weird signals that I wasn't aware of? Sure I spent a lot of time with him but I couldn't think of any time that I had done or said something that might indicate that I was interested in him that way.

What if I had though? Why would I do that, even unconsciously? And if I had somehow given that impression, why did he wait until that moment to do anything about it? Why would he make that assumption, never once ask me about it and then make a huge scene of it at the worst possible moment? Why did he have to shout out his rejection to the world?!

It was like he was waiting for the perfect moment to do the most damage. Why?! Why did he have to make it as painful as possible?!... Why 'was' it so painful to think of how violently negative his reaction was to the idea of my possible affection?

Eventually my endless spiral of questions led me to a few confusing and ultimately unhelpful conclusions.

Having been forced to examine my past and present feelings concerning Sasuke, I finally realized exactly how much he meant to me. I had simply never been confronted with the issue head-on before. I had taken our connection at face value, 'taken for granted', you might say, that it just plain worked, and it always would. Now... it seemed that it didn't anymore.

I'm not saying that I 'was' trying to seduce him or that I even believed that I had done anything to indicate that. He was an inexcusable asshole to accuse me like that. I'm saying that he meant more to me than anyone else in my life. God knows I wasn't sure that he deserved it...

My conclusions were that I really loved him in a way that could have become much more, once I was ready for it. But he obviously didn't feel the same, and that hurt me as much as the loss of my dream.

It's an odd sort of pain, the loss of something that could have been important, before you'd even had the chance to grasp the possibility of it. It's more distant and intangible a feeling, but no less real.

After that horrible night, my anger became over-shadowed by depression. I went through my own brand of grieving process, attempting to keep it subtle, for the sake of the mission and my team, who were clearly worried about me.

Actually I can't say what might have happened to me if they weren't there. They honestly did whatever they could to try to help, not allowing me to withdraw the way my instinct cried out for. I kept it all to myself for months before Kiba finally got me to drink enough sake to lower my defenses.

That was the turning point for me. The oblivion of alcohol had just sounded so damn tempting at that point and in the end I can't say I'm sorry for giving in, though the next day, I was horrified at myself.

That night, with the buzz pleasantly distorting my sense of reason, I told them all the secret that had been slowly eating away at me.

Their relatively calm acceptance and continued support, following that night reminded me that I still had 'something'. And believe me, that reminder was beyond necessary, because for a while there I literally felt as though I'd lost 'everything'.

Iruka had no time for me, (And don't get me wrong. I was honestly happy for him but for someone with my background, each relationship I cultivated was too precious for words.) my best friend basically fed me to the wolves, I was demoted and humiliated, my aspirations had been shot to hell and I'd been essentially banished from the village for half a year, with no guarantee of a 'welcome home' afterward. It had seemed like everything remotely good about life was slipping through my hands.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Depressing thoughts tend to get on a roll that's difficult to stop. Have you ever noticed that? The more low you feel, the more things you can find to feel low about. My teammates really helped to keep my grounded during that difficult time. I knew how worried they were and it forced me to struggle to get a grip on my rampant emotions, for their sakes.

It was quite a task really, my moods seemed to shift rapidly without rhyme or reason in a way I had never experienced and couldn't begin to explain. Of course, looking back now, the explanation is very simple. I was going through my first onslaught of hormonal imbalance.

My team took everything remarkably well though. They were there for me, helping me figure things out and cope with whatever came my way. I had expected them to distance themselves, to reject me outright at the most, or to awkwardly try to avoid me while pretending that nothing was different, at the least. Instead, they talked about it every chance they got. (When no one might overhear.) They asked me about a million, very candid, questions, each of them interested in different things.

Kiba actually had some insightful conversations with me regarding animal instincts and mentalities and how I was changing and feeling.

Ino had lots of questions about the nature of demon mating. She wanted to know if demons chose a mate based on logical principle or if they actually fell in love, or if perhaps the imprinting I had mentioned before, meant that mates couldn't help loving each other. I'm pretty sure she just thought that the idea of eternal mates was 'romantic'.

Any information I could gather on that subject was pure conjecture though. We're talking about how they feel, and while humans have observed a little about demon behaviour, it's not like they can get into their heads. I told her that I supposed that like humans, some demons were more emotionally driven than others.

Neji asked me every question he could think of (in forensic detail) that might help us formulate a plan for how to deal with what happened when the time came. He wanted to know if demon pheromones would possibly effect humans. He asked what exactly would happen to me physically and if I thought I'd be able to keep my head through the process.

He asked, of course, if there were any way to get through a heat cycle and avoid a mating. He wanted to know if I could possibly fight off a would-be suitor or if I'd automatically give in, and what would happen if there were more than one suitor. ( I had to laugh at his use of the word suitor.)

He came at me with so many questions it made my head spin. Unfortunately I couldn't begin to answer most of them. I mean, consider my sources. It's not as if any humans really know all that much about demons.

I told him that I didn't really know about the effects of demon pheromones on humans, or exactly how well my thought processes were going to work, but I didn't expect to become completely mindless.

I said that certainly a demon could avoid mating. The evidence of that was pretty clear and it made sense to me. After all, demons were immortal and they mated for life. They could take all the time they wanted to find the right partner. They could afford to be picky, and it would likely be in their best interest since there was no ' 30 day, risk free trial' here. Sorry, no refunds.

I imagined that the older, unmated demons would seek out a place that was relatively unpopulated by any others during that time of the year. And kick the ass of anyone that did happen to find them.

I could at least assure him that yes, it was possible to fight off a suitor. In fact, it was a natural instinct, if they were found unworthy or lacking in any way. A demon in heat would want to ensure strong offspring. And who would want to have someone weak (or at least weaker than themselves) protecting them throughout a pregnancy? It would be contrary to the 'survival of the fittest' rule, if whatever bozo happened to show up first was automatically accepted.

As for having more than one suitor, I just had to laugh at the very idea. I couldn't imagine myself attracting even one, never mind 'more'. As I told them, I wasn't even a real demon, who would choose to tie themselves to a sad little creature like me?

But he just folded his arms and looked at me, waiting for a satisfactory answer to his question, so I explained that 'hypothetically', if there were two or more suitors, they would be compelled to battle it out. No one cowardly or weak enough to try to avoid the fight would ever be accepted as a mate anyway. They would have to prove their strength.

----------------------------------------------------------

I went through a lot of changes in those months. Some subtle and some, not so subtle. My people-watching, for instance, became more and more obsessive. Specifically my attention to the interactions of families. I was drawn to stop and smile over every baby I came across. ( Really that would have been a huge clue to anyone.)

As time wore on I found my senses heightening. Smell was especially noticeable. The scents of absolutely everything practically assailed my sensitive nose and whats more, I began to have violently distinctive emotional reaction to certain scents. The smell of one thing would would make me damn near sick while another thing would send me into euphoria.

My emotions were ridiculously out of control. It was terribly disconcerting to be walking around, watching people, as I had taken up doing more and more, and find myself feeling heartened at a familial scene one moment and near tears over the same thing the next.

Honestly all the swift highs and lows, the bout of both giddy laughter and unaccountable anger were so foreign and disturbing then, that I would hate to have gone through it the 'human way', when I was much younger and so prone to overreaction and wild flights of fancy. That would have been traumatic.

If that wasn't enough, my appearance was slowly beginning to change. Just small physical details, but enough that my team caught on to each one immediately. There several awkward moments when Kiba would catch sight of something odd and just blurt it out, causing Ino and Neji to clam up uncomfortably and try not to stare at me.

I wasn't sure what to think the first time he mentioned something. We had just bought some dango and were sitting on a bench outside in the street when there was a sudden crash from the alley next to the shop. All our heads shot up and my team looked to me for a reaction.

I got up to take a look, with Kiba eagerly following, though there was no trace of strange chakra and it was likely nothing. It turned out to be nothing more than the lady next door, dropping her garbage down into the bin from an upstairs window, and we all relaxed and went back to our dango but Kiba was looking at me strangely.

"What?" I asked him.

"You know, I could have sworn I saw your eyes change just now," he answered, sounding as confused as I felt. "It was like they flashed a different color for a second, when we first heard that crash."

Nobody else had seen what he meant at that time but later that 'flash' happened more often and eventually stayed for longer periods. Then even the shape of my eyes began to change little by little. By the time the mission was nearing it's end, the changes seemed to have become permanent.

Then there was the way I started having to constantly cut back my nails until the morning that I woke to find my claws caught in my blanket. My fangs had started growing longer and sharper as well and finally, Kiba pointed out another change that I hadn't noticed was happening at all.

It was while we were traveling between villages on our way back to the edge of Grass Country. We couldn't use any significant amount of chakra or call any attention to ourselves while we were still within the borders of Grass, so we had to travel slowly, like ordinary civilians.

We had stopped to make camp and I went to clean up in a nearby stream. A few moments later, my team-mates all came along to join me. Lately, they had been less willing to let me out of their sight for long. Sometimes I found it a little stifling and there was the odd moment when I would worry that perhaps they just didn't trust me, but mostly I was touched by their protectiveness.

Ino just sat on a rock at the edge of the water and watched the rest of us. Neji was very calmly rinsing off the travel-grime that had accumulated on both his clothes and his body while Kiba challenged me in a race to the other side and back. I accepted and instantly started swimming. He scrambled after me, yanking on my leg to pull himself alongside, and then shoving me behind him as he took off, slashing wildly.

I dove down and swam under him, popping up to the surface just in front of him at the opposite bank and laughing at the 'HEY!" he shouted at me, before dunking down again to swim back. I won, of course, and Ino and I were both laughing when Kiba slogged up out of the water, grumbling about how I'd obviously cheated.

"It's not my fault you swim like a dog," I teased, before shaking all the excess water out of my hair and reaching up a hand to slick it back out of my face.

Kiba suddenly fell silent, mid-rant and I stopped, looking over at him. His eyes were wide and he lifted his hand to point a finger at me.

"Dude! Your ears!"

"What?" I asked. "What is it?" I looked around and the others were silent as well, shooting surreptitious glances at me.

"They're pointy," he said "I'm 'sure' they weren't always that pointy." Then he burst out laughing. "You look inbred man!" My jaw dropped at both the change he'd pointed out and his idiotic reaction to it.

"Shut up!" I finally managed to yell, but he kept laughing. He was practically rolling on the ground over it now.

"Hahah! Pointy-eared inbreeders!" he crowed. Then Ino punched him viciously in the head and he dropped like a rock. A moment later, she stepped over his groaning form and pulled a mirror out of her pouch, handing it to me.

"Well that's just great," I muttered as I took a look at my latest change, wondering how long that had been happening while I hadn't noticed. I'm not really the kind of guy who preens in the mirror everyday, and my hair tends to hide most of my ears. It wasn't going to be hiding this too terribly well anymore though. The tips were starting to poke through.

"It's not so bad Naruto," Ino comforted. "I think it looks kind of cute." I appreciated the effort of course, but what I was thinking was that it looked more like something that people were going to question me about back home.

As it stood, I'd been wondering, more and more often over the past months whether it might not be a better idea to just never go home at all. I mean, what was I going to tell people? They were bound to know that 'something' was up, and I was sure they were already toying with the idea of locking me up or maybe even executing me or something.

---------------------------------------------

It was with a heavy heart that I got up on our last morning in Grass country. We were very near to the border and once outside their territory, we could travel at higher speeds, the rest of the journey home from here, would be a quick one.

It was uncertain what I would be facing when we arrived and I was already pretty irritable about that. The agitating heat of my body that day, just made things even worse. I felt extremely resistant to the whole idea of going anywhere just then, but I knew that I couldn't really suggest that we just sit around and wait here for no good reason.

We'd spent the last night in an inn and I took an extra long shower that morning before we left. I felt really sticky and for some reason I had an undeniable need to get clean, as clean as possible. I scrubbed myself all over, very thoroughly, twice, before getting out and putting on the ninja gear that I hadn't worn in months, hiding it under a civilian traveling cloak.

As we took off, the sun beating down on me felt far to hot for this time of year in Grass and the cloak was stifling. I felt like I couldn't breath properly in it and I couldn't wait to get to the border, where I'd be able to discard it. I could feel my team's worried eyes trained on me often as we neared the border.

We finally passed out of Grass country and I flung the cloak off with a sigh of relief. Neji asked if I was okay. I just nodded tightly and leaped up into the trees. We managed a fast, steady pace for quite awhile before the inner burning returned full force.

I had never had a fever in my life that I could remember and I marveled at first at the strange sensation of shivering and sweating all at once. But then it quickly became more irritating than fascinating. I felt myself slowing. The warmth of the sun was too much and it almost felt like a tangible weight on my body.

Finally, by some kind of silent agreement, the rest of the team, jumped down from the branches. I followed and as soon as my feet touched the ground, I knew I could go no further. The heat was becoming unbearable. It seemed to sap all the energy out of me and I collapsed to my knees right there on the path. I could hear them talking about me in low voices and I wondered vaguely, why they bothered to lower them at all.

"Do you think this is it?" Ino was asking.

"I don't know," Neji replied, sounding absent minded, like he was already considering what might happen and what to do in this case or that.

"Maybe, it's just a normal fever," Kiba suggested uncertainly. "It is possible right?"

"I suppose it's possible, though very coincidental if that's the case," Ino agreed. "So... we should treat it and see if it clears up before we do anything?"

"Yes," Neji consented, after a pause. "Give him something for it."

Ino gave me a pill and a canteen of water to wash it down. I could have done without the medication, but the water felt wonderfully soothing going down and I drank the whole thing very quickly.

Then they helped me get off the path. I stumbled through the forest a short way until we found a small mossy clearing and I sank down to the soft ground to rest. Of course, after some time, it became apparent that it wasn't going to work.

I had started outright panting and the strange discomfort was growing worse. I knew that they were debating how to handle the situation but I could offer no advice. I couldn't even concentrate on their voices enough to make much sense of the words.

I cannot fully describe the terrible itch that I felt, but it agitated every last nerve and I seemed to burn from the inside out. There was a pulse that traversed my whole body and returned to culminate in the center. All I could do was sit there pathetically panting and shivering, listening to the rushing, pounding of my own boiling blood in my ears, anticipating the next shock-wave.

I barely understood that I was waiting for something. If I could hold out long enough, 'something' was going to happen, but it was just a feeling. I had no idea in my mind, what exactly that something was.

I could feel when the heated chakra began to escape me. I felt it pulling through from the inside, seeping through my skin, raising each and every tiny, invisible hair on my back and my limbs.

There was a scorching feeling, different from the rest, on my stomach, just where the seal rested. I could feel the entire seal in a way that I'm sure if I'd never seen the thing before I still could have drawn it out in exact detail from the memory of that feeling alone.

Then the scorching around the edges of the seal faded and that fading continued inward. Not that the seal was shrinking. It was more like the outer edges were burning themselves right off of me and disintegrating, and it kept working in along the spiral.

I could do nothing at all. I couldn't even confirm what was happening or consider the possible meaning or consequences as I felt the entire seal seem to burn itself out of existence while the firey chakra slowly left my system through every pore.

Finally it seemed that it was over, whatever it was, and while my feverish state remained, it was much more manageable. The process had left me feeling strangely empty and sluggish. (Though for someone such as myself who is used to having literally boundless energy like a jittery coffee addict, sluggish could just as easily mean, a little closer to 'normal' than I'm used to.)

I felt a presence beside me, something familiar though I couldn't seem to place my finger on it. I think I may have whimpered and then there was movement, footsteps. Graceful and stealthy, though not enough for me to miss it.

Somebody was kneeling down next to me. I wanted to look up but another of those shock-waves was coursing through me at just that moment. I tensed up through it, gritting my teeth.

Then strong hands were lifting my own, gripping them, giving a comforting squeeze, like they were encouraging me to squeeze back. I did so without really thinking about it. The contact seemed to help in some mild way and it was so much more satisfying to grasp something solid, rather than the too soft earth.

What finally forced my head up, was the sound of my name being called in a deep voice, low and quiet but with a slight rumbling quality nonetheless. I looked up then an saw the face of a man I surely had never seen before.

He had a perfectly untouched look about him, as though he'd just been dreamed up today. His skin was honey gold and honestly seemed as though it had never once experience a rougher touch than the air itself. Of course, my own skin sort of looks like that I suppose, since the smallest of abrasions had always been instantly healed for me, but I was not used to seeing anyone else who looked the same.

I stared for a moment at his sharp featured face, framed by deep red hair. His eyes captured my attention. They were a luminous gold that didn't look natural. I was sure that I knew him somehow. The answer was on the tip of my tongue. Then my last clue swished by on my peripheral. A plush, red fox tail to match his hair. My eyes widened involuntarily.

"Kyuubi?" I whispered.




(A/N; Ok, so how'd I do? It took me awhile to figure out how I wanted to portray Naruto's perspective, since that wasn't really part of the original plan. I don't know how i.c. you'll find it, but I personally hate it when people make Naruto too stupid. I know he can be kinda goofy now and then but he really does have a sharp mind when the situation calls for it. Seriously, he was just a little kid when the manga/show started and he's matured quite bit since then. I think a lot of writers don't give him nearly enough credit. I really don't care for fics where he's made out to be literally mentally retarded. Anyway the next chapter will be out a lot quicker. See ya!)