Matchmaker, Matchmaker

Chapter Two

Kakashi woke early the next morning and headed for the memorial stone. “I know I’m being ridiculous.” he explained to his absent friends, “and ‘biki’s being great about it . . . but I can’t help but feel nervous about the whole thing. You know how bad I am with people,” he continued “this is a disaster waiting to happen.” The copy-nin shuffled his feet and squinted at the rising sun, “The mission desk should be open now, I’ll stop by and see you guys later.” he muttered before turning and heading for the tower.

He strode confidently into the mission office . . . only to stop dead in horror at the sight of the banner hanging behind the desk. Come one, come all to a celebration of wedded bliss it proclaimed in bold letters two feet high. The copy-nin glanced from side to side, pinned in place by the predatory gazes directed his way.

“Ah, Hatake-sama . . . congratulations.” Iruka spoke up from behind the mission desk. “What brings you here this morning?”

“I’d like a mission please . . .outside the village and at least,” here Kakashi paused and did a short calculation , “five days long.”

“I’m sorry Hatake-sama, but I can’t give you any missions until next week, Hokage’s orders.” the chuunin replied with a smile, “Besides, you wouldn’t want to miss your own wedding would you?”

“I’ve been married for six months Umino-sensei, the only thing I’d be missing is Tsunade’s little torture session on Saturday.” the copy-nin replied tersely, “So you’d actually be doing both myself and my husband a favor by giving me a mission.”

“I’d love to Hatake-sama, but then I’d have an angry Hokage on my back . . . why don’t you just talk to her about it?” Iruka asked with a smile, “It’s not like she’s going to force you or anything.”

“That’s exactly what she did.” Kakashi hissed angrily, “She hates me and now she’s taking it out on Ibiki too. She knows we don’t want this, she just gets some perverse pleasure out of making me squirm.”

“Well then . . . I certainly won’t be there, not if you hate the idea so much.” Iruka said sadly, sorry to see the one bright spot in his weekend disappear, “Give Morino-sama my congratulations, I hope you have many years of happiness.”

The copy-nin was puzzled by the sudden mood swing in the normally cheery teacher. “Is something wrong Umino-sensei? I told you my problem, it’s only fair if you tell me yours.”

“It’s nothing, really.” Iruka replied, flustered by the single piercing grey eye pinning him in place, “I was just . . . it’s stupid, really. Why don’t you go talk to Tsunade, take some sake with you, it’ll make her more receptive.”

“Tell me.” the copy-nin repeated quietly, “I won’t make fun of you.”

“It’s just so . . . selfish.” Iruka replied with a pout, “I was really looking forward to your reception . . . the weekends seem very long.”

Kakashi thought for a moment before leaning over the desk to whisper in the startled chuunin’s ear. “Thank you Umino-sensei, I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I used to feel the same way before I went to the matchmaker . . . by the way, I highly recommend Midori-san, you might want to pay her a visit yourself.”

“Oh, I could never.” Iruka gasped, blushing crimson at the thought.

“That’s what I thought too.” Kakashi said with a smile, “But it was worth the embarrassment, believe me.” Iruka stared, speechless, at the copy-nin’s retreating back until the next person in line startled him from his thoughts.

“Come in.” Tsunade bellowed without looking up from the scroll she was studying.

“Why do you insist on torturing me?” Kakashi drawled from the doorway.

“And just how, pray tell, am I torturing you?” she replied with a frown.

“The reception . . . you need to call it off.” he replied with a frown of his own as he moved to stand in front of her.

“No . . . the men need something to feel good about. Besides,” she continued with a smirk, “it won’t kill you to lighten up brat.”

“It puts us in danger, call it off.” the copy-nin growled as he planted his hands on the Hokage’s desk and leaned in to confront her face to mask.

“Forget it Hatake.” she retorted, “Now back up.”

“Not until you call this farce off.” he repeated stubbornly, “You wouldn’t force anyone else to do this . . . why do you hate me so much?”

“Contrary to what you might think, I do not hate you brat.” Tsunade replied drily, “You need to loosen up Kashi-kun.”

Ibiki felt his husband’s chakra surge and immediately jutsu’d to Tsunade’s office, wrapping his arms around the lean waist as he hauled the copy-nin into a tight embrace. “Relax sweetheart, I do not want to have to arrest you for attacking our Hokage.”

“She’s fucking with us.” Kakashi ground out through tightly clenched teeth, “Frigid bitch.”
Ibiki read Tsunade’s face and made a snap decision, making the signs to jutsu them home.

“Wait here for me.” he told the copy-nin firmly before heading back to the tower. “Do you hate him?” he asked blandly when he reappeared.

“I don’t hate him,” Tsunade replied firmly, “yet . . . you need to rein him in Ibiki.”

“He’s scared Hokage-sama, he doesn’t want people traipsing through his house poking into his things.” the interrogator explained.

“And you do?” Tsunade replied drolly.

“I don’t care . . . he does. Do you want to break him?” Ibiki continued to press.

“No, I need him. He’s no good to me broken.” she replied nonchalantly, “He’s still a useful tool, after all. But he needs to realize that he exists to bend to my will.”

“And you need to remember just how strong he really is Hokage-sama.” the interrogator rumbled, “He was considered for your position long before you were.” He paused to consider his next words before finally scratching the back of his head and heaving a great sigh. “Tsunade, help me out here . . . just ease up a little. I don’t want to have to choose sides . . . after all, we all have the village’s welfare at heart.”

“I’m not changing my mind about the reception Ibiki.” she said haughtily, “Although I’ll try not to jerk your hound’s leash too much.”

“Hmmm.” he snorted before jutsuing home. He reappeared in their now blindingly clean kitchen, nearly choking on the bleach fumes hanging heavy in the air. “‘kashi, where are you?” he called hesitantly.

“In the bedroom.” came the husky reply so Ibiki headed in that direction. On the way he passed through the formerly comfortable living room, blinking a bit at the emptiness of the space. Even model homes have more personality, he thought as he took another look around, strike that he decided, hospitals have more personality than this.

“‘kashi, what’s going on?” the interrogator asked as he entered the bedroom to find the copy-nin squatting in the corner sorting scrolls into stacks.

“I’m cleaning for the party.” Kakashi rasped dejectedly, “I’m sorry if I got you in trouble with Tsunade.”

Ibiki carefully scrutinized the copy-nin’s drawn visage, noting in particular how pale he was and the dark circles under his eyes. “What’s wrong with your voice?” he finally rumbled.

“Dust.” was the distracted reply, “This place was really filthy.”

“No it wasn’t sweetheart.” Ibiki soothed, “You’re just upset. Let’s go to the teahouse and have a nice, relaxing lunch since you skipped breakfast. There’s still two days to get ready.”

“But I have to finish cleaning, then I have to cook and then clean again.” the copy-nin fretted.

“If you don’t eat you’ll drop from exhaustion and none of it will get done.” the interrogator reasoned softly, “Please ‘kashi . . . I’m worried about you.”

“I’m sorry.” the copy-nin replied sincerely, “I don’t want to worry you. I just . . . I don’t . . . you were the first person I let into my apartment . . . ever. Just the thought of all those people looking at our things, touching them, judging us . . . I need to do this.”

“I’ll talk to Tsunade again, although I don’t think it will do much good.” Ibiki pondered aloud, “What if they didn’t come inside?” he asked suddenly, “We could set up tables in the yard and keep the house off limits.”

“Can I stay inside too?” Kakashi asked mournfully, “The pack will be more than happy to help with the guests.”

“I don’t think Tsunade would let you get away with it.” the interrogator said wryly, “But I’ll stay with you . . . you know no one really wants to deal with either of us anyway. We’ll let them drink themselves into a stupor and then it will be over.”

“Why do I doubt it will be that simple.” the copy-nin groaned.

“Up you go.” Ibiki urged, wrapping a large hand around his husband’s arm and pulling him to stand, “Lunch time.”

By the time the reception rolled around Ibiki was ready to explode, no matter how hard he’d tried he couldn’t get Tsunade to back down. The copy-nin was tense and drawn with haunted eyes, and had spent much of the last twenty-four hours checking, yet again, for any personal information that could be gleaned from their home.

“Honestly sweetheart,” the interrogator argued, “no one can use our color choice for the lounge against us.”

“It’ll only take me a couple of hours to repaint.” Kakashi pleaded, “I promise to put it back the way it was.” The house was already nearly as empty as it had been when they bought it . . . although it had never before been this clean. Ibiki idly wondered if he should have worn a gas mask to protect himself from the chemical fumes. His reflection shone from every surface, heightening the sense of unreality.

“Absolutely not.” the interrogator insisted, “You need to get dressed and summon the pack . . . I’m sure Tsunade, at least, will be here at one on the dot.”

“I am dressed.” was the terse reply, “My uniform is perfectly appropriate . . . after all, this is on orders of the Hokage.”

“‘kashi, please, try and be a little reasonable.” Ibiki urged, “I’d rather not have this turn into a bloodbath.”

“I’m totally reasonable.” was the blithe reply, “I cleaned, I cooked, I bought copious amounts of alcohol . . . hell, I’m still in the village and not hiding out somewhere. I’ve done everything requested of me, but that’s where this farce ends. I refuse to pretend this was my idea or that I’m comfortable with it.”

Ibiki opened his mouth to argue, but was interrupted by a knock at the door. He moved to open it as the copy-nin ducked out the side door into the yard. “Hokage-sama, what a pleasure to see you.” he greeted her automatically, moving aside to let Tsunade, Shizune and Ton-ton enter.

“Ibiki.” the Hokage replied distractedly, “Where’s your hound?”

“My HUSBAND is outside finishing setting up . . . please, please don’t goad him woman, I’d like to be able to continue living here.” the interrogator growled in annoyance, “Whatever issues you two have just try to set them aside for today.”

“Now, now, where’s the fun in that?” Tsunade replied with a smile as she patted him on the cheek and headed outside, Ton-ton in tow.

“I’m so sorry Morino-san.” Shizune said softly, “I don’t know what’s gotten into her, she’s never this cruel. What is going on between her and Hatake-san anyway?”

“I wish I knew.” the interrogator rumbled, “My best guess is that it goes back to his childhood. What I do know is if she pushes him much harder he’ll snap. Do me a favor,” he continued as he turned to face Shizune, eyes troubled and face serious, “let her know if she breaks him she’ll lose us both.”

“I’ll try Morino-san . . . once she has a few drinks she should lighten up.”

“Brat.” Tsunade said tartly, nodding briefly at the copy-nin while she poured a saucer of sake.

“Hag.” Kakashi replied petulantly, crossing his arms and refusing her the courtesy of a bow.

“It’s for your own good.” the Hokage continued, “Do you want to be known as antisocial? I’m sure that’s why I’m Hokage and you’re just Ibiki’s hound.”

“Actually, you’re Hokage because I turned the council down, as did Jiraiya. You’re a poor third Tsunade, deal with it.” the copy-nin said coldly. “Yes, I’m antisocial . . . and people appreciate it. I found out very young that they didn’t want me around, I’m just doing everyone a favor. Besides,” he continued with a grin that would have been considered downright evil if it hadn’t been hidden, “I’m a happily married man . . . and you’re a lush with a pig. Which one of us sounds maladjusted now?”

“You . . . you . . .” Tsunade sputtered as she groped for a comeback.

“Now, now Hokaga-sama,” Kakashi continued, “think carefully about what you’re getting ready to say. Piss me off too badly and you’ll find yourself without that jutsu on your appearance. I’m sure everyone would get a kick out of your sagging tits and wrinkly ass.”

“Fuck you Hatake.” she finally spat before grabbing a bottle and heading off to a far corner of the yard.

“And what brought that on?” Ibiki asked softly as he watched the Hokage storm off.

“She’s done fucking with us . . . for today at least.” was the distracted reply, “Is anyone else here yet?”

“Just Shizune.” the interrogator rumbled, “We both were curious . . . what exactly is going on with you two?”

“I overheard her talking to Jiraiya and Sensei about me after my father died. She thought I would betray Konoha like he had . . . judging from her actions since she’s been back she still feels the same way.” Kakashi said softly, “That’s why I thought she’d warn you off when she found out about us.”

“‘kashi why didn’t you tell me any of this?” Ibiki asked gently.

“I didn’t want to give you a reason to leave me . . . and our Hokage’s disapproval of me is a good reason. You are, after all, her head of information, a very sensitive position . . . and she sees me as a risk.” By the end of his explanation the copy-nin’s voice was nearly inaudible and his gaze was firmly fixed on his feet.

“Sweetheart look at me.” Ibiki said firmly, patiently waiting until a single unreadable grey eye locked with his, “There is nothing you could tell me that will make me leave you.”

“Nothing . . . what if I said I was a traitor, would you leave me then?” Kakashi goaded.

“Then Konoha would have two dangerous men as enemies. But I’m not worried about that happening.” the interrogator said confidently, “I know you Kakashi, regardless of what Tsunade may think, you would never put Konoha at risk. You are, and always have been, a model shinobi.”

“Thank you ‘biki.” the copy-nin replied solemnly, “I would never betray your trust.”

“I know that.” Ibiki growled as he wrapped a strong arm around his husband’s waist and tugged him close to nuzzle his ear.

“Looks like you’ll put my present to good use.” Genma interrupted with a smirk, causing the interrogator to break away and growl in response.

“Do you have some good reason for interrupting us Shiranui?” was Ibiki’s retort, which, paired with a cold glare, had the senbon sucker desperately trying to come up with a good response.

“What he meant to say was congratulations.” Raidou cut in with a smile as he smacked his long time lover on the back of the head, “It’s my fault, I don’t take him out in public much.”

“Stop talking about me like I was your dog.” Genma replied with a scowl, “Just for that someone’s sleeping on the couch tonight.”

“Well, you certainly act like a dog.” his lover retorted with a smile, handing an attractively wrapped package to the couple. “This one’s from Iruka, and this one,” he continued as he passed over a plain box, “is from us.”

“Iruka’s not coming?” Genma exclaimed in surprise, “Why not?”

“I’m afraid that’s my fault.” the copy-nin answered sheepishly, “Maybe I should go talk to him.”

“Too late now.” Ibiki rumbled, “You’ll have to catch up with him later, I’m not dealing with this alone.”

Soon the yard was filled with half drunken shinobi playing games like ‘dodge the kunai’ and ‘pin the throwing star on me I dare you’ while Ibiki and Kakashi looked on in horror. The last straw for the copy-nin’s waning patience was when, in one of the least well thought out plans in the history of shinobi, Genma attempted to ride Bull like a pony. “Enough.” he hissed in fury, “You’ve eaten, drank and had your fun . . . now go while you still can.”

“‘kashi, you’re scaring our guests.” Ibiki remarked quietly, “Are you sure you want to do this?”

“Not yet brat.” Tsunade’s voice cut through the clamor, “You haven’t opened your gifts.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Kakashi muttered angrily, “Haven’t you tortured us enough?”

Even drunk, shinobi have a wonderful sense of self preservation, and the chakra crackling around the copy-nin was enough to send even the most foolhardy of them for cover. Within minutes the yard was empty save for Ibiki, Kakashi, Tsunade and Shizune.

“Enough.” the interrogator finally growled, “Lady Hokage, do you trust me?”

“Of course.” she replied without hesitation.

“Then trust me when I say Konoha has no more faithful shinobi than Kakashi. He’s done nothing to deserve your mistreatment . . . and if you continue I’ll have to bring it up with the council.” Ibiki paused to let his words sink in, “I don’t think you want that.”

The Hokage merely grunted and stormed off with her aide in tow. The moment she was outside the fence Kakashi let out a sigh of relief, wrapping strong arms around his startled husband and pulling him into a passionate kiss. “Thank you.” he whispered, “No one ever stood up for me before.”

With that he began dragging the startled interrogator into the house, shedding clothing as they went, until the copy-nin was sprawled naked across their bed staring up at him through lust hazed eyes. “Hurry up slow poke.” he teased, watching hungrily as more and more of Ibiki’s scarred flesh was revealed.

“So impatient.” was the growled response as the large man finally stepped free of his pants, “Haven’t you heard of savoring the moment?”

“Mmm hmm,” Kakashi hummed blithely, “we just haven’t gotten to the moment I want to savor yet.”

“Aaa.” Ibiki replied enigmatically, “You’ll let me know when we get there then?”

“But of course.” the copy-nin replied with a smile as he handed his husband the open tube of lube.

“Pushy aren’t we.” the interrogator rumbled, “I should make you wait just to teach you patience.”

“Now, now,” the copy-nin soothed, “no need to be rash . . . just because I’m in a hurry to have you inside me. . .” he trailed off with a groan as a thick finger probed his pucker.

“When did you . . . so impatient.” the interrogator growled when his finger came back slick with lube.

“This morning . . . I needed something to look forward to.” Kakashi husked urgently, “Now hurry up.”

“Is this what you want?” Ibiki rumbled as the flared head of his cock slowly pushed through the tight ring of muscle.

“I want everything you’ve got.” The sultry reply trailed off to a choked gasp as the interrogator snapped his hips sharply, before leaning in and capturing the tempting open mouth in a deep passionate kiss.

“Do that again.” the copy-nin gasped when the kiss finally broke, “Please, I need you.” He wiggled his hips impatiently as he wrapped a long leg around Ibiki’s waist.

“I don’t know.” the interrogator said calmly, “Maybe we should open our gifts first.” His mild teasing saw the end of the copy-nin’s patience. Ibiki grunted in surprise when long legs flipped them easily.

“I think you’re mistaking me for someone who wants to have a conversation.” Kakashi growled, “Less talking and more fucking.” With that strong legs flexed and he began to gracefully rise and fall on the thick length impaling him, rendering the interrogator mute in the face of the clenching heat wrapped around him.

“This is the part,” the copy-nin grunted, “I wanted to savor.” His voice trailed off to a trembling moan when a large hand wrapped around his bobbing erection and began to stroke it firmly, throwing back his head and hissing his pleasure.

When a thumb dipped into the slit the sensation was too much and Kakashi came, hot seed splashing onto his chest as he jerked and shuddered, moaning Ibiki’s name. The scarred man was not far behind, unable to hold off as the copy-nin clenched and twisted around him as he rode out his orgasm.

“That certainly made up for the rest of the day.” Kakashi mumbled as he collapsed on his husband’s chest. They laid there silently, enjoying the feeling of the stress of the last few days melting away.

“So,” Ibiki finally breached the silence, “why did you turn the council down anyway?”

“What?” the copy-nin replied, puzzled, “Does it matter?”

“I’m curious sweetheart . . . you love this village and you were their first choice, why did you say no?”

“The Hokage doesn’t just need to be the strongest.” Kakashi replied thoughtfully, “People need to trust them, relate to them . . . not my strong suit.”

“You think too little of yourself.” the interrogator said seriously, “You would make an excellent Hokage, you’re the most dedicated shinobi I know.”

“Thank you for the vote of confidence.” the copy-nin said with a smile, “But I’m happy with my life the way it is now. Besides, if I were Hokage I would never have gone to Midori-san’s and we wouldn’t have met. So, you see, everything worked out for the best.” he finished with a massive yawn, curling up and pillowing his head on Ibiki’s chest before drifting off into sleep.

The interrogator petted silky silver strands absently as he mused over the twists and turns his life had taken. One thing’s for certain, he decided with a nod of his head, I wouldn’t change this if I could. “Love you sweetheart.” he whispered as he placed a soft kiss on tangled locks before slipping into sleep himself.