The Sitter

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The Sitter

By: KitsuneArasi

-Please stand me up. Please.-

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"He's still not here. Shit, this is sad, man. Look at me, I'm a straight dude bein' stood up by his gay date."

A soft sigh answered his melodramatic exclamation, then—

"Wait a second. I hear an echo. Am I on speaker? And is that Kiba?! Laughing at me?! …Fuck."

He could almost hear Neji's twisted-bitch smile, "I'm sorry, Naruto. We're just so…happy…that you're finally dating someone. You know: Outside of your mind? And such a handsome-(Snirk)-specimen, too."

"It wasn't me, okay? It was a setup between the lord of the perverts and the psycho bastard's brother, awright?"

Kiba's laughter was getting louder.

Fucker.

"It is often nearby parties made puppets by fate."

"Oh, really? So, tell me, what 'Puppets of Fate' keep supergluing your eyes to Gaara's ass? Hm, pretty-boy?"

A loud thud.

Choking noises.

Kiba down.

Speakerphone cut off as Neji hissed, "Naruto, you bitch, how the fuck did you know I—"

"C-cousin Neji! Wh-what happened to K-Kiba?"

"Nothing, Hinata. Nothing. Naruto, I'm going to-"

"Naruto-kun? Is that him on the phone?"

"...Does she…?"

"Yes, Hinata, it's Naruto."

"Well, then, tell him good luck on his date with Sasuke-san. I hear that he is in high demand with local girls."

"Her, too?! Aw, c'mon! At this rate, Sakura'll never go out with me!" Naruto's head hit the counter.

A snort, "He says thanks, Hinata."

There was a brief pause, presumably as Hinata left the room.

A soft bip told him he was back on speaker phone.

Experience told him that this did not mean he was off the hook.

"If I were you, I'd be more worried about Sakura killing you than dating you."

"Wh-what?! Hey, what did I do?! Last time…last time, I didn't— …I didn't embarrass her that bad. …Did I?"

"Yes, you did! You totally did, dude!" Kiba had apparently retained consciousness.

"Naruto, did you miss her asking Ino to kill her? Right there, in the middle of the Town Center. Ino almost did it, t-ooohhh, boy. Ino's another problem."

"Holy shit, Naru, you're a dead man."

"What the hell are you guys talking abou-," His voice lowered as Teuchi waved at him to bring the volume down, "Sorry…what do you mean I'm a 'dead man'?"

"You realize that Uchiha Sasuke is Uchiha Sasuke, right?" Neji's voice held the grave sort of importance that usually told Naruto he'd fucked something up royally.

"Um…?"

"Uchiha Sasuke, better known as," Kiba cleared his throat and put on a startlingly accurate girly-voice, "Sasuke-samaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa~!"

"Holy fuck! The dude the girls, like, worship?!"

"With the exception of Hinata, yes."

"…N...Neji?"

Suddenly, everything crashed into place.

"Mhm."

"Neji-holy shit, Neji, I—I don't wanna die! I mean, it's not like I arranged this messed-up date, and, I mean, it's not like they can blame me because my foster-father is a sadistic bastard, right? And I…I…help me?" His little panic attack culminated in a pathetic squeaking noise.

"Hey, man, I'm sure it'll be…uh…okay, right? I mean, he agreed, so maybe that'll show the girls he's off the market and shit."

Kiba made an effort at comfort, but Neji just had to shoot holes right into that one.

"You realize that that's like saying 'This time, Jason's gonna kick the bucket! Despite the superhuman strength, the titanium alloy, and the ability to come back to life.' Especially with Sakura and Ino."

A keening whimper broke what must have been a glaring fest between the two.

"Shit, man. I don't know what to say. Except, well, y' said he's not there yet, right? So maybe he really isn't coming. Maybe you can write it off. Say it was just a crazy rumor, 'cause let me tell you, you'd have to be high to think you were the Uchiha's type."

"Gee, thanks, I think." Naruto growled, "Look, I—"

"--I DO NOT want to buy a duck!"

"Oh, look at that," Naruto deadpanned, "my date's here."

The phone cut off in the middle of Kiba's rendition of the Funeral Dirge.

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A/N: So sorry for the wait.