Questionable Loyalty

A/N: GHYAAA, took me a whole week to write this chapter. RL has kept me very busy this week and I got very tired in the evenings when I was supposed to write, so the chapter came out slowly. Sorry about that. :(



CHAPTER 53







For the next several days, Kakashi was strangely quiet. He didn’t ignore him, wasn’t cold or dismissive towards him, but Iruka could feel that something was wrong. Quietness aside, he had become complacent, submissive even in public – something which caused more than a few raised eyebrows. During the nights, he curled up next to Iruka, almost clinging to him.



The Chuunin felt torn. The truth was, he liked this Kakashi – pliant, submissive, eager to please – not that he hadn’t been before, but there was always an edge, and now that seemed to be missing. He was like a needy puppy, eager to please you so you’d shower him with attention. It aroused Iruka to have a partner in bed who would allow him to go as far as he wanted, sometimes even bordering on violent – he felt a rush of sheer power every time he took him.



On the other hand, he missed the previous Kakashi – the argumentative, snippy Jounin with mercurial moods hidden behind the mask of indifference.



Part of Iruka wanted to keep things as they were, to enjoy the power he had over his lover, use it to its fullest. But the larger part of him, the one which wasn’t focused on his own selfish desires, said that this was wrong. He had gone too far that day when he had punished Kakashi and he had broken him. That wasn’t supposed to happen.



Determined to get to the bottom of this, Iruka decided to talk to him.



It was a late Thursday evening and the sun was almost set when he discovered him – bidding goodbye to his students at the end of grass-covered training ground in Konoha’s outskirts. It seemed that he was actually praising the three teens because they were beaming up at him with pleased, happy smiled on their faces. Still waving at him, the three turned and left, chatting animatedly amongst themselves. Kakashi stood there and watched them walking away, a thoughtful expression on the uncovered part of his face.



Iruka paused and watched him for a moment: neither the wide Jounin uniform, nor the slouched pose could hide the grace of his slender, yet strong form. His narrow hips were cocked to one side as he stood there with a hand in his pocket, the simple pants hugging his thighs and ass in the most desirable way Iruka had seen. He felt a flash of arousal but growled at himself and forced himself to relax. This is not why he had come here, no matter how much he wanted to press Kakashi face-first against the closest tree and have his way with him.



‘Down boy.’ Iruka thought furiously. ‘Not now.’



Kakashi noticed him – or he had always known he was there – and waved at him as Iruka approached him.



“Hi.” The Chuunin said once he was several steps away from his lover.



“Hi.” Kakashi answered simply.



“You seem to be getting on well with them.” Iruka said thoughtfully.



The sad expression was back on Kakashi’s face and he nodded.



“I am trying.”



Iruka took a step forward and took Kakashi’s hand in his.



“I came here to apologise.”



Kakashi looked at him questioningly, but said nothing.



“For my behaviour. I treated you callously and unfairly and I am sorry. You didn’t deserve that.”



“You mean, the morning after I returned from Gai’s?”



Iruka nodded. Kakashi looked down at their joined hands before responding.



“You treated me like a whore.” He didn’t seem angry, or upset, he was simply stating a fact.



“Yes. I’m sorry.”



There was another lengthly period of silence. Kakashi seemed deep in his thoughts. Finally, he spoke again:



“I thought that’s what you wanted. For me to act like that.”



“What? NO!” Iruka yelled the last word loud enough for Kakashi to flinch. “I’m sorry. No. I have never wanted this.”



The lips under the black mask moved and Iruka could see the mocking smile.



“You’ve never been a good liar, Iruka.” He pointed out. “You enjoyed the past several days, did you not?”



Iruka nodded with displeasure.



“Yes, I did. It’d be a lie to claim that I didn’t. But it doesn’t make it right, for me to hurt you. I am not that kind of person.”



“I know.”



“Then why?”



There it was, that sardonic smile again. Kakashi pulled his mask and leaned to kiss his lover. Iruka reluctantly accepted the kiss.



“You didn’t answer my question.” He muttered after Kakashi withdrew.



“No, I didn’t.”



The Chuunin frowned at him.



“I suppose that you’re not the only one who had a point to prove.” Kakashi said sadly.



“What is that supposed to mean?” Iruka exclaimed but Kakashi just shrugged.



“Nothing. Let’s go back home. I’m hungry. Do you want ice-cream?”



Two hours later Kakashi watched his lover lick the chocolate ice-cream off the spoon he held, the opened can, now almost empty, sitting innocently between them on the table.



“That was delicious.” Iruka stated and grinned at him. Kakashi grinned back.



“Feeling better now?” The Jounin asked.



“Yes. You?”



“Mhm.” Was Kakashi’s response. “Let’s go to bed.”



They took a quick shower and went to bed, curling together, Kakashi’s head on Iruka’s tanned shoulder. The Chuunin fell asleep rather quickly, tired after worrying all day, but Kakashi remained wide-awake. He was going on an overdrive, he knew that. Now that he had the information he had sought for so long, he had to find a way to get it to Nagato, but so far he hadn’t been able to leave Konoha and put enough distance between himself and the shields so that he could communicate safely. Nagato had mentioned that they needed to move fast, and that meant that he needed this information as soon as possible. Waiting more than a few days was out of the question. He had to think of something.



Next to him Iruka murmured something in his sleep and settled again, nuzzling Kakashi’s hair. The Jounin closed his eyes with bitterness. He had forgiven Iruka, but he couldn’t forget. The fault wasn’t entirely the Chuunin’s – Kakashi had allowed him to treat him like that, he had willingly kneeled down and allowed himself to be… he swallowed. Iruka was right, he had enjoyed it, physically at least. He had felt to overwhelmingly guilty after he came come – for using the younger man, for disappointing him, for lying to him. Iruka might have used him like a whore, but that was what Kakashi was, wasn’t it? He was using sex to get what he wanted – wasn’t that the definition of the word? The fact that he had grown to love the other man didn’t change this fact.



Once again he felt so terribly torn about everything that he was doing – betraying so many people – his teacher, Iruka, his village… even Nagato. He wanted to go back to him, but would the red-head take him back after what he had done to get the information they needed? Would he forgive him? It was a thought that constantly ate at him, along with everything else.



He needed to talk to Nagato. Soon.



The opportunity presented itself three days later, just when he had decided that he would leave the village, under whatever pretext he could think of – he had grown that desperate. The Hokage, however, gave him a perfect excuse – a simple, mundane D-rank mission with his new students – go to a neighbouring civilian village and help a local farmer with pest control. While Kakashi didn’t enjoy the thought of running after fat rats all day, he was so happy about being able to get out from under the ANBU’s scrutiny that he was ready to do a striptease on top of Tsunade’s desk. He didn’t do that, of course, even if the faces his boss and her assistant would’ve made at the scene would have been worth it.



As it was, he bowed gracefully, accepted the mission on behalf of his annoyed students – all the while ignoring their grumbling – and left the mission room.



The mission proved to be just what he expected it would be – boring and tiring, but after he sent the three brats to run around the grounds – and they were large – he hid in the basement and summoned his dogs. He wanted to be sure that none of the rats would start nibbling on his toes while he was concentrating for his contact with Nagato.



Sliding down the moist, cold stone wall, he kneeled and took several deep, calming breaths, emptying his consciousness of all thought but the need to contact his lover. When he was ready, he sent his thoughts to him. Nagato reacted almost immediately, as he usually did, his much more powerful mind enveloping Kakashi’s in a soothing embrace.



“Kakashi.”



“I have what you need.” Kakashi started without preamble. He wanted Nagato to get the information as quickly as possible, without any further delay. He opened his memories for him, let him examine each document and picture and report. His lover did so, slowly and thoroughly, absorbing all the details he could get.



“Thank you.” He said when he was done. “We really needed this.”



Kakashi relaxed with relief.



“Can I come home now?” he asked softly, knowing that he probably sounded like a petulant child but he missed his lover too much to care. Nagato remained quiet for a long time and the same dread that he wouldn’t accept him resurfaced in Kakashi’s mind. The Jounin swallowed and tried to stay calm.



“Things got messy here.” Nagato finally said.



“What do you mean?”



“A spy infiltrated Ame. I had to kill him.” Kakashi felt a strong wave of regret coming from his lover with those words. “Kakashi… it was Jiraiya.”



“Jiraiya.” Kakashi said, dumbfounded.



“Yes.”



“Your teacher.”



“Yes.” The voice, even if it was only a mental projection, sounded small.



“You killed him. You killed your own teacher.” Kakashi couldn’t believe this. He couldn’t believe that Nagato would go that far.



“Kakashi, I had to, he would’ve returned, he would’ve revealed our plans to Konoha, I couldn’t allow that!”



“He was your teacher! You said that he was like a father to you!”



“And then he abandoned us in the wilderness to fend for ourselves!” there was a surprising amount of bitterness in those words and it startled Kakashi. “He gave us ideals and some measure of power, enough to go to our heads, enough to believe that we could change the world through the goodness of our hearts… WHAT A JOKE!” The bitterness had become anger and Kakashi flinched.



“I never realized that you blamed him for that.” Kakashi said softly.



Nagato quieted down again.



“I spent a lifetime blaming him.” He admitted. “But I never wished to take his life. It was never my goal.”



“And yet you killed him.”



“Yes. He wouldn’t be dissuaded.”



“You could’ve tried to do the same you did with me – tell him the truth, about the Uchihas, about the Hokage and Danzo. Why didn’t you?”



“Because, unlike you, he was set in his ways. And most importantly, because he was an idealist. He would have never accepted my plan. I knew him well enough. I know you did as well.”



Kakashi sighed. Indeed, he knew the perverted old coot. He had long suspected that he had not been able to reconcile in his mind the things Konoha did to keep itself safe, supposedly, from other villages which did the same things to keep themselves safe. He loved Konoha, he cherished it, he was viciously loyal to its people, but he couldn’t bear to stay in it longer than a few days. He didn’t have the stomach to become the figurehead of a bloodthirsty, shadowy government that was the Council of Elders – that was why he had refused the Hokage position and had brought Tsunade. Jiraiya was an idealist, and even after all his years doing the work he did, he had retained his sense of the value of the human life. What Nagato proposed would’ve been abhorrent to him.



“You’re right.” Kakashi admitted softly. “He would’ve never accepted your plan.”



There was another wave of guilt and grief coming from Nagato and he timidly reached towards him, trying to comfort him even if he couldn’t touch him. They remained like that for several minutes, entwined in a mental embrace. Finally, the red-head spoke again.



“He managed to send a messenger. A frog with a coded message on his back. It should arrive in Konoha soon.”



Kakashi swallowed.



“It’ll still take time to decode the message.” He answered.



“Yes. However, I think that in his dying moments, Sensei managed to see through my disguise. He realized that the real me wasn’t there. He must’ve included it in the message. Kakashi, with Itachi’s death, my Organization is stretched very thin. We have two Bijuu left to collect, and Itachi is longer able to come and get Naruto.”



The Jounin covered his face with his hands.



“You want me to do it, don’t you?” he asked hollowly.



“It is not an order.” Nagato answered quietly. “I cannot make myself order you to betray the son of your teacher. I am asking you to do it – it will be your decision whether you agree or not. If you can’t, I’ll find another way.”



Kakashi opened his eyes and stared at the moldy wall across him, watching a long-legged spider slowly spin its web. He could hear the rats scurrying in the corners of the basement.



“I have gone too far to turn back now. I will see this through.” He said.



Nagato’s only response was the equivalent of a mental embrace and a quiet:



“Thank you.”



When the connection was released, Kakashi looked down at Pakkun, who sat before .



“You followed everything?”



The little dog nodded gravely.



“Are you certain about this?” Pakkun asked.



Kakashi slowly nodded.



“I won’t give up now.”



“Will you be able to live with yourself afterwards?”



Kakashi closed his eye bitterly.



“I don’t know.”



“You must love this man very much, Kakashi.” The pug noted.



“I am doing this for Konoha.” Kakashi muttered.



“No. You’re doing this for him. You’re doing it because HE asked you to do it. Admit it, Kakashi. At least before yourself.”



The Jounin looked down at his companion, staring into dark, beady eyes. He knew that Pakkun wasn’t a real dog, in the physical sense of the word – he was a spirit, an entity that chose the form of a dog when it was summoned in the physical world but which in no way was bound to that form, should he choose to change it. He was as old as the Bujuu, as old as the world, and wise beyond the simple human understanding.



“You’re right, my friend.” He admitted. “I am doing it for him.”