Shinobi Can Be So Dense

I have re-wrote this chapter three times due to my computer constantly failing me. First it was word failing then it was a stupid USB drive i keep stories on and then I switched to open office and started saving to my back up hard drive. I hope you find it worth it. I really need to get a new computer but alas i don't have any money and need another car first. So enjoy this chapter I have no idea when I'll finish typing the next one.

{Dear sweet Iruka, I hate to tell you this way but my team and I have to go away on an urgent mission. I only had enough time to scribble this note and summon Pakun before I had to leave. I hope you can forgive me for not telling you in person. We should be back in three days. I will be longing for your presence during all those long days and nights. Please be waiting for me when I return. With deepest love and loyalty Kakashi}

I know he is a skilled ninja and missions were nothing for him to complete. I’m still worried. Just when we were starting something as wonderful as a real relationship he gets sent away. Every ninja knows any mission can go bad. Is that why I’m so worried? I never really had anyone to care about or miss since my parents died. It scares me to think that Kakashi might not come back to me. I don’t want to be alone anymore.

I dried my tears from my face I didn't know I had shed and checked myself in the mirror. I had to distract myself from these thoughts or they would eat me up inside. I went to the academy to distract myself.

It didn’t work. I couldn’t tear my thoughts away from my concern for Kakashi’s safety. I knew he had his team with him. They were dependable and among the very best teams in all of Konoha. Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakara would never let anything happen to their teammates.

That thought at last gave me enough solace to be able to teach even if I was still distracted every now and then. The students noticed my distraction and immediately took advantage of it. They started throwing paper shuriken around the classroom. Two of them even tried to escape through the open window only to bounce right back in due to the wards I put there went I came in that morning.

I had a feeling something like this would happen so I put up a wards on the open window to repel anything trying to leave through it. I punished the trouble makers by having them recite the code of Konaha ninja and gave the class a pop quiz for their bad behavior. This freed me from my thoughts for a good amount of time but I always seem to drift back to them.

I left the academy for lunch. I did not what to deal with my gossiping fellow teachers today not when I felt so low. I went to the closest restaurant to the academy. It was a really good tempura restaurant. The food is really good but I’m distracted.

I was so distracted with my thoughts I didn’t even notice who came into the restaurant. “Iruka sensei are you okay you don’t look so good?” I looked up from my food I had been poking at. I saw a flash of pink and knew who stood in front of me. This can’t be right she is supposed to be on a mission with team Kakashi. “Sakara I thought you would be out on the mission with the rest of team Kakashi.” She blushed and smiled. “I would be of I didn’t find out what I did today.” This peaked my interest and I raised an eyebrow in question. She is fiddling with her fingers in front of her a nervous habit she never grew out of.

She stood there in silence for a moment before a bliss filled smile broke on her face. It seemed the little gossip really wanted someone to tell her little secret to. “I found out today that I was in fact pregnant. So Sai took my place on the team.”

To say I was surprised was an understatement, but Sakara has been married for three months now. The news that Sai took her place was comforting. He is a strong shinobi if not a bit weird. The poor kid has really gone from an emotionless shell to an interesting person. Ino sure seems to think he is the best for her. “That is wonderful news Sakara. I wish you and Lee a healthy happy baby.” I tried to sound happy but I was still depressed and Sakara could read right through me.

She and my other students really have grown up so much in a short few years. They were in steady relationships, getting married and starting families of their own. That thought made me more depressed. My ex-students had more experience in love than I did.

I can believe Sakara is pregnant. She is the first of the rookie nine to as well. “You looked depressed Iruka sensei what happened?” She put a comforting hand on my shoulder and gave me a soothing smile. She always has been a sympathetic girl even if she had a unique way of showing it. I felt I was safe opening up to her without revealing too much information.

“What do you do when you worry about someone you love?” I couldn’t even look her in the eye when I said those words that had been troubling me but I did feel a small bit of the weight lift from my heart. “I just try and remind myself when Lee is gone on missions that he is a skilled shinobi, one of the best even, and he would do anything to make sure he returned to me safely. The worry still never goes away that he might one day never come home but it gets easier the longer we are together.”

Her words make sense and do ease some of the pain I feel. “Thanks Sakara that really does help.” She now has a maniacal grin on her face. That girl goes from sweet angel to a evil harpy so quickly. I can only fear what is coming next. “So…who are you dating Iruka sensei. I bet it’s some really pretty girl for you to be so worried over her.”

I wasn’t expecting that. She caught me off guard with that question. Trust me to confide in a gossip and not be prodded for information. She thinks I’m in love with a woman at that. How would she react to me being gay? She was okay with Sasuke and Naruto but I still can’t help but fear how she would react to her teacher having a same sex relationship. I really don’t want to think how she’s going to react to the fact that said relationship is with her other teacher. I want to crawl under a rock right now and hide.

She is glaring at me. I must have been silent for too long. I know my face must be bright red by now. Think Iruka think. I have to flee. “I have to get back to the academy.” I grabbed my stuff paid for my meal and ran from the restaurant for the academy.

That glare on Sakara’s face was truly terrifying. I was so distracted thinking about my conversation with Sakara and how she probably could throw me through a wall that I didn’t think about Kakashi for the rest of my class. When class ended I was sullen once again. I sank behind my desk when I dismissed my students for the day.

I gathered the papers that needed grading that night. My thoughts were still drifting to Kakashi. I didn’t notice when one of my students came up to my desk. She had dirty blonde hair pulled into two braids behind her head. She had lovely hazel eyes always filled with wonder. She had a chubby face still ripe with baby fat. Her name was Mieko.

“Iruka sensei, are you okay?” A simple question from an innocent child but so filled with things I didn’t want known. “I’m just a bit sad Mieko.”Her little face looked at me with a questioning glance. “Why?” Why do kids have to play the why card all the time. “I rather not discuss that with one of my students Mieko it’s personal.” I hate to be sound dismissive but she really doesn’t need to know.

“If anyone hurts you Iruka sensei just let me know and I’ll beat them up for you.” I laughed at the innocent child who thought she could take on the world. I really do love my students and I know they love me to. “Thanks Mieko I’ll keep that in mind. Go on now I have to go to my other job now.” She nodded and skipped out of the room. Kids really are just so innocent and carefree.

I walked out of the class happy that one of my students would take the world on for me. It made the short trek from the academy to the tower for my mission desk duty a bit more bearable. On the way I started thinking about Kakashi again and became depressed again. When I arrived Iwashi was already there. We have both done these evening shifts together many times before. “Good to see you Iruka.” I took my usual seat. “Let’s just get this over with. I’ve had a bad day.” It was a lie mostly. I was just too depressed to deal with questions about my mood.

Work went as usual but I didn’t have it in my heart to be my usual self. I knew people were taking notice even Iwashi asked if I was okay. I wasn’t going to tell anyone that I missed Kakashi and was afraid I would never see him again. I wanted to know he was okay. I wanted him to return to me.

The Jounins were handing in bad reports and I didn’t even scold them for their badly done pieces of shit reports. I didn’t have it in me. They started looking weirdly at me like I was sick or something. Anko arrived to hand in her report. I took it glance at it and put it in the pile with the others. I didn't even make eye contact with her. I knew she would read me like a book and she did.

“Shit! What’s wrong Iruka?” I knew I couldn’t lie to Anko. After our breakup she became more like a sister to me. We knew each other better than anyone else did. We confided in each other whenever anything in the world bothered us.

I looked up at her the pain very evident in my eyes. “I had a bad day.” I know she can tell I’m lying. “Don’t give me that crap Iruka. Now tell me what the fuck is going on.” The people around the mission room are now staring at us. A few of the smarter Jounin are actually backing away. I almost want to chuckle but can't.

I resigned myself to my fate. “Iwashi can you cover things here while I talk with Anko?” He looked up at me not wanting to be in my place right now. He was afraid of Anko most men were. “Sure but be back before the rush.” He looked directly at Anko as he said that. I bet half expecting her to eat my face or something equally as gruesome.

Anko and I walked down to one of the unused debriefing rooms. “So spill what the fuck has got you so upset.” I looked into her eyes and couldn’t hold on any longer. My emotions were going spastic. Anko was one of the only people I let my guard down around. Anko wouldn’t torment me for showing any weakness. We would always comfort each other when things got too bad. She didn’t judge me and I didn’t judge her. She rubbed my back and tried to sooth me.

“Iruka its okay you can tell me. You know I’ll never judge you. Just tell me what has got you so upset.”I pushed back threatening tears. I was a shinobi damn it. Shinobi don't cry. I composed my thought back to a reasonable order and turned to face her.
“Sorry about that Anko. I’ve been bottling up my emotions all day.” She smiled back to me. “It's all right I've seen you do worst. Now what is going on in that pretty little head of yours that has you so worked up.” She really does know me too well.

“I started a relationship with some one recently. No I will not tell you who. You never tell me who your dating so you can't know who I'm dating either. The person I'm dating went away on a mission and...I'm worried. I keep thinking that they will not come home. I'm driving myself crazy. I'm afraid to lose the first relationship I've had in years.” She is absorbing what I said never hinting at any ridicule just compassion.

“Is this person skilled in what they do?” I nodded my head. “Have they ever not returned from a mission before?” I shook my head no. “Sounds to me whoever you got knows what they are doing and will try to get back to you in one piece. Something else is bugging you though and I don't think your even being honest with yourself about that yet.”

I was confused something else. “What the fuck do you mean by that?” She laughed and pushed me over onto my ass. “You're in love you idiot. I can tell because of the way you reacted. I never thought I would see you in love but it's there. I can see it in your eyes.”

Love? Was I really be in love with Kakashi? “Do you really think I'm in love? I'm not so sure myself.” She laughed again. “Believe me worrying this much about someone means you really do love them. It dose get easier missing them though. With time you'll be able to get through their absence easier. Just keep reminding yourself that they are skilled ninja and most likely will return home to you.” I really am in love than aren't I? Trust Anko to make me realize something so critical when I feel like shit.

“Thanks Anko. I really did need this talk. I'll try and take you advice and stop worrying so much.” She has that evil look in her eyes. “I say you should use your pain to punish all those lazy ass Jounin. You've let them get away with to much today. If you want to be in a bad mood be in a bad mood. Just take it out on those idiots and use that to help you forget why you are worrying so much.”Trust Anko to want to see me torture others. “I'll take you advice to heart Anko.”

We left the debriefing room and I went back to the mission room. Iwashi seemed relieved I was still alive. I tore into several Jonin for bad reports and enjoyed myself a bit. There is some joy to be taken in making the bad ass Jounin sit at a little desk rewriting the crap they dared hand into me and throwing a few kunai at the difficult ones.

By the time my shift was over I didn't want to leave and be alone again. I missed Kakashi. I missed his handsome face, his mismatched eyes, his thin pink lips, his bad sense of humor, his oddity, his sweet tender kisses, his stupid mask, the way he pulls his hand through his hair when he is nervous, and the looks only I get from him. Oh Kami, I am in love with him.

I stopped in the middle of the street my brain had stopped working. I felt warm all over. It was comforting like I was now complete and not empty. I had someone to love. I just hope he loves me back. I felt people watching me so I started walking home again.

I made my way slowly back to my apartment. I was dealing with the weight of my revelation. I really was in love. It felt weird to admit that to myself but now my worry made sense now. I used to worry like this whenever my parents would leave on missions. I loved them so much now I feel the same way for Kakashi. It's just a different kind of love. The love you have for a lover not that for a parent. I want to be lovers with Kakashi.

My mind is all a jumble of thoughts. I didn't even realize when I got to my building. I trudged up the stairs to my apartment. When I got to it I was greeted by an unusual sight. Sitting on my doorstep was Yamato with several grocery bags.
This was unexpected. “Iruka sensei I thought since you have been taking car of me during this whole episode... I should repay the favor by making you dinner.” It was sweet that he wanted to repay my kindness. Trust Yamato to think he had to repay someone for helping him. I never minded he had become a good friend over the month I cared for him. He provided a distraction from my troubles momentarily.

“Come on in then. It would be good to have some company other than my cat tonight.” He laughed and gathered the bags as I opened the door. “The kitchen is over there let me know if you need help finding anything. I have to get to work on the grading today’s work from my students.” He went into my kitchen and I sat in my living room grading papers. A few minutes went by and Yamato came out. “I give up where do you keep your pans and cutting board?”

I laughed I really did have an interesting organization for my kitchen. I put things where I needed them in that area. It was disorganized organization. It was purely for me and most people I have over say it is the oddest kitchen organization they have ever seen. I pulled the items he needed out and handed them over to him. “I never even thought I would see a kitchen with such an odd organization.” I laughed. “It's just the way I like things. My mother taught me how to organize a kitchen. I guess it is a little odd though.” So was my mother but she was a Jounin and they are all a little odd.

He went back to cooking and I went back to the stack of papers I had to grade. Form the looks of all the red marks so far I’ll probably have to go over chakra molding again. I always have to repeat that lecture three times at least for the students to get it.
Fortunately I planed for this and gave myself the week for explaining the concept of chakra molding. There are a few student who did get the lecture though. More than usual. That's different I 'll have to pay a bit closer attention to those few.

What ever Yamato is cooking smells good. “You need help finding anything else?” The smell was so distracting. I just can't concentrate anymore on the papers. “No I'm almost done? I few minutes latter he called me to my kitchen table. He brought out plates filled with food.

He made honude gyoza and chicken yakatori. The smells from them were so good. I wonder if they taste as goo as they smell. “You really didn't have to go to this much trouble for me.” He smiled. “It was a pleasure to cook for someone again. It really was no trouble at all.” I took a bite form the yakatori. It was sinfully good and perfectly spiced. I ate my portion to fast for my liking. “That was so good. I haven't had food like that in awhile. Thank you Yamato.”

“It was my pleasure since you did help me through that whole mess when you didn't have to. You made me food every day, did my laundry, and made sure I didn’t do anything too stupid. Thank you Iruka sensei. I'm glad to have a friend like you”
I smiled and blushed. I never was very good at taking compliments. “It's fine I would do the same for any of my friends if they were going through that much pain. Just ask Genma. I do what I do because I care.” I really do care for my friends that is why my second bedroom usually has someone else sleeping in it. Be it because they had a fight with their lover (Naruto) or were just to drunk to get home (Genma).

“Thank you again for coming to the bar the other night. It really helped. I think I'm over that hurtle now. I just am a little confused right now.” I looked over him. He still looks distraught but a bit happier. “What has you so confused?” I can be a good listener just ask Naruto. “I think I may be starting to have feelings for another... but it is to soon since... her death. I didn't want to dishonor her memory. It really is all just to confusing.” So that's what is troubling him.

“If you feel like your dishonoring her don't pursue the other person just yet. Wait till you feel like you have given yourself enough time to grieve for her but I know she would rather see you get on with your life. That is always how she was. I knew her from the mission desk. She would always console her friends with the same thing I just told you. So I don't think she would mind if you starting seeing someone new.”

He is looking so forlorn. “Your right that is what she would have said. Thank you for reminding me. She... really was something special. I'm going to miss her. I do need to get on with my life, for her.” He is smiling again. That is a good sign. “Good to hear that. I hate to see you hurting so much and so do your other friends.
”
We sat for awhile talking about various things from Naruto to Tsunade. “You seem sad Iruka sensei. Is something bothering you?” I really didn't want to tell him about me missing Kakashi since he went away on a mission. “I realized today just how much my former students have grown. They are in relationships now. Some are even married. I found out today one is expecting her first baby. It's kinda depressing.” He bought that. It really wasn't a lie. That had been bugging me since I talked with Sakara but not as much as missing Kakashi.

“I know what you mean. Just a short time ago they were just silly teenagers and now they are all on their way to becoming adults. Still we are young. Just not as young as they are but still young. Our generation has seen to much destruction and has been torn apart by wars and demons. That is probably why we don't see too many couples left.”

Yamato helped me clean then dishes and then he left for the night. “Thank you again for the meal. We should make plans to hang out again sometime.” He smiled as he put on his sandals. “That's a great idea Iruka sensei. I'll have to see when I'm free again. I'm going to start taking missions outside the village again. It shouldn't be a problem though. Good bye.”

When he left I went back to the living room and picked up the graded papers and put them into my bag for work in the morning. I put my bag by the door and went to feed Gari. She had been sleeping somewhere the entire time Yamato had visited. I went to my bedroom and got ready for bed. I pulled on my sleep pants and crawled beneath the covers. I just wanted to sleep till the day Kakashi came home but I knew I had to get up and tend to my students in the morning. I drifted off to sleep quickly since I was exhausted.

I awoke after midnight after having a terrifying nightmare. I hadn't had one that bad since my parents died in front of my eyes when I was eleven. I was standing with Kakashi and he walked away. I stood glued to the spot I was at. I saw a ninja come up behind him. I tried to yell to Kakashi but no sound came from my mouth. I stood there as the ninja took a katana and ran it through Kakashi's torso. Blood poured from his wounds. He clutched them in a desperate attempt to stop the bleeding. The ninja disappeared as soon as the weapon was drawn from Kakashi's body. Kakashi weakly stumbled to me but I was frozen and couldn't even move to his side. I stood there like a statue as the man I loved bleed to death at my feet. With his last breath he looked up to me and spoke. “Sorry Iruka but it looks like I won't be coming home this time.” I had tears streaming from my face. He was smiling that smile that only I got to see. He dropped dead at my feet. That is when I woke up screaming.

Once I gathered where I was and that it had only been a dream I fell into my pillow sobbing. I was at home so I didn't care if I let my tear fall. I can't believe my mind would torture me with such a nightmare. My worst fear was displayed by my unconscious mind.

That made it hard to rest so I got very little sleep that night. When morning came I got up even though I was still tired and drug myself to the academy. I made no attempt to hide how I felt. I just went about repeating the lesson from the day before. My students were more subdued knowing I was feeling so miserable. They even brought me candy during their break. It was a sweet gesture so I gave them a sad smile and thanked them for their kindness. Trust kids to try and fix other peoples problems with sweets.

After classes were over I made my way over to Ichiraku's for some pork ramen. Anko found me there and joined me trying to distract me from my depression with tales of the stupidity of the other ninja we knew. I really didn't know that Genma had fallen asleep with a senbon in his mouth and nearly choked on it only for him to couch it up and fling it into Tsunade's arm. That story and the others made me forget my troubles for a awhile. Anko kept me company while I graded papers till it got late and I had to return to my apartment. She really is a good friend. She really does act like a big sister.

I had the same nightmare that night and once again didn't get much sleep. I couldn't wait for Kakashi to return. At least that day was here. It was Wednesday and his team should be back latter today.

I got a large thermos out of my cabinet and filled it with coffee. This liquid gold would be the only thing to keep me awake today. I drank a cup before I left my apartment for the academy. I stopped on the way at Yamanaka flower shop to send Sakara and Anko some flowers. They had both tried to help me when I was feeling down and I know they liked flowers even if Anko would deny this with every fiber of her being. Inoichi took my order and said they would be delivered later that day. I thanked him and went on to the academy.

Class went the same as the day before I even taught them same lesson for the third day in a row. The students did grasp the concept of how to mold their chakra by the end of the day so that at least was an accomplishment. I dismissed them early for their hard work. I then went to work cleaning the classroom and washing the blackboard. I put away the papers I had to grade.
I really missed Kakashi. I just wanted to know if he was safe. He should be home today. I don't know what I'll do if he doesn't come home today though. I'll probably go nuts. I really do miss that idiot to much.