Desperation

Desperation

Chapter 6: Secret Keepers

"I think we need to talk."

Hinata merely stared at Naruto as he stood in her bedroom. Her heart felt like it was slamming its rhythmic beat against her chest, and her throat felt like it had closed off, leaving her both speechless and shortly in need of air.

"Er. Yeah. Sorry. I probably should have waited until the morning, but I just got back from a mission late because...because I got sent home," Naruto said distractedly, rubbing the back of his head, looking down to the side both embarrassed and upset.

Hinata was finally able to draw in breath, her curiosity at his words allowing her to speak.

"Sent home?" Hinata asked, disbelieving. There was so much more that she would love to ask him, but for the time being, she congratulated herself at being able to speak at all. Even in the dim light she could see him blushing, his embarrassment also evident through his slightly bent shoulders and the way he didn't seem to want to look at her either.

"Asshole told Yamato-taichou I was having issues. The fucking bastard always has issues. Why wasn't he ever sent home?" Naruto hissed angrily. It was an anger that was bitter, but it wouldn't last long. It was an anger born partially of self-frustration, and it wouldn't be able to stand up against the fact that, as far as Hinata knew about Naruto, he did realize that it was Sasuke's way of "caring" by ratting him out. Everyone knew Sasuke had problems with showing certain emotions. It was a hearty attempt, at least in Hinata's opinion, to show concern about Naruto.

"I-issues?" Hinata asked again. Naruto sighed, looking frustrated before he paced around her room, finally sitting down on her bed before then jumping right out of it, turning to look at the bed almost as though it had burned him.

Yes, he did seem to be having issues.

"It's just...I mean..." Naruto put his hands in his hair and paced around the room some more, his eyes avoiding Hinata who stayed in her little corner. Part of her wished that Naruto would tell her what was going through his mind, wondering what damage she had done to her beloved, wondering how angry he was with her.

Wondering why when he was there in her room that she felt like she could forget how shy she was and jump him again.

Naruto finally stopped pacing and turned to look at her, his shoulders set back, his face determined.

"Two weeks ago..." Naruto began, and Hinata's breath left her again. Here it came. "I..." Naruto paused, looking at Hinata, giving her a glance over, his eyes moving up and down, and it was clear that he was assessing her very thoroughly. She felt more naked now than she had when she'd stripped for him, and she tightened her arms around herself subconsciously.

Hinata wondered how she looked to him. His blue eyes raked over her body, though she wished it was with lust and not with the strange concentrated expression that he wore now. He scratched the back of his head as though looking at her caused great confusion.

"Two weeks ago I had...I had this dream that couldn't have been a dream yet couldn't have been real either."

Hinata's heart skipped a beat. After all that, he still wasn't sure?

"When I woke up I thought maybe it had actually happened. I mean, there was evidence," Naruto said, his face turning bright red now, "but, I mean, that could have been...and you know..."

If Hinata hadn't been there, she'd have had no idea what Naruto was talking about. Clearly he was talking about waking up covered in the evidence of their lovemaking. She hadn’t thought to clean up his cum or her own. Even so, she guessed he could have thought he’d had a wet dream instead.

"And then I thought it was a practical joke that Sasuke was playing but he doesn't play practical jokes. So I thought maybe he was just being an ass because he does that. But, he didn't seem to know what I was talking about, and he likes to take credit for his bastardly ways. Though personally I'm thankful that it wasn't him because that would have just been weird using a genjutsu like that and...yeah...ew...and then I got even more confused because he wasn't being a bastard, and I think he actually got worried about me. When he gets worried about me it makes me worry because he just doesn't worry, you know?"

"Uh..."

"And then I thought maybe Ino had asked Sakura-chan to do that to test my er...uh...faithfulness because well, yeah, and..."

"Uh...?"

"And you have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?" Naruto asked, looking at Hinata, his shoulders drooping slightly. He looked even more frustrated and confused. Naruto looked off to the side and sighed. "It was just too real. And if it was my first time, I just..." Hinata’s breath caught. His first time? She’d been his first too?

"Naruto-kun, I-"

"I'm sorry Hinata. I didn't mean to barge in here on you so late at night talking about something you seem really clueless about. I guess it really was just one of those kinds of dreams which would explain the...umm...anyway. But then why have I been dreaming about you?" Naruto asked, scratching the back of his head.

Hinata felt her heart's rhythm speed up. Naruto looked so confused, so lost, that while she had not wanted him to remember in order for her to save face, she truly did want him to recall their experience because it had been wonderful to her, even if shell-shocking afterward. Plus, if it was his first time, he should remember that – right?

"Naruto-kun! I'm so s-sorry, it wasn't a d-dream. It was all r-real. I..."

Naruto tilted his head to the side and gave her a half smile.

"Aww, Hinata. You don't have to pretend to know what I'm talking about. You're very sweet, but I can tell now it was just a dream. You're way too shy and quiet!" Naruto said, as though this somehow made him feel better, as though this evidence was obvious now that he looked at it.

"No, I did, umm...do that to you."

"The dream?"

"Not a dream."

"Wait, this isn't a dream?"

"No, I mean, well, this is a dream, I mean it isn't a dream, but that-"

"What?"

"I mean-" Naruto gripped Hinata’s shoulders and chuckled, effectively silencing all of Hinata’s attempts to explain this sudden confusion.

"Hinata, trust me on this one. You're nothing like how you acted in the dreams I’ve had. But dreams aren't real," Naruto said. "Wow, I feel like such an idiot. Stupid dreams. I'll let Sasuke-bastard, Yamato-taichou and Tsunade-baa-chan all know I'm okay. And I have to tell Ino too. Aww, man. She's gonna freak if I tell her about this whole thing! I’ll give her a revised version. Just – just don't tell anyone I came here, okay? Especially not Ino."

"Naruto-"

"Please?"

Hinata fidgeted with her fingers, looking at Naruto in disbelief.

"O-okay." With Naruto grinning winningly at her answer, Hinata felt like a complete and utter fake. She should tell him. Make him understand. Let him know that she knew exactly what kind of dream he was talking about because it had all been real: not a dream at all.

"You're awesome Hinata! Thanks. Sorry for waking you up and then confusing you too. I should let you sleep. Ja!" Naruto said.

"Wait–"

But Naruto was already gone.

Hinata stared out of her window and put her hands over her heart. This was what she had said she wanted: for him to think it had all been a dream, and that she would help make Ino and Naruto happy together.

Yet why did getting what she had hoped for hurt so much more, knowing she was lying to him?

There was no way that Hinata was going to be able to get to sleep after seeing Naruto in her bedroom, nor after the talk that they had had. She wouldn’t be able to sleep feeling like a fake with the horrible weight of Naruto thinking his first time – their – first time hadn’t been real.

In fact, a part of her wanted to follow after Naruto, telling him that he was mistaken, that they'd had sex, great sex, and that he ought to dump Ino for her. At least, she thought it had been great sex. That had to count for something, right? Of course, she doubted that he would dump Ino for her because of great sex, but it helped make her feel slightly more prone to the idea of confessing.

Besides, Hinata was thoroughly sick and tired of all the lies that she had been telling, or more like, the secrets that she had been keeping. Either way what was bottled up inside her was beginning to make her feel almost physically ill. Deciding that since she wasn't going to be able to get to sleep anyway, and since Naruto had clearly just been awake, Hinata quickly got dressed and decided to head to Naruto's apartment and blurt everything out in a rush like she had with Ino.

"I can do this. I can," Hinata murmured to herself, stealing away every ounce of courage that she had in her body, and forcing it to stay with her as she went after Naruto in order to tell him the truth.

The moon only gave off a faint light in the sky as the clouds dimmed the moonlight. She found her way to Naruto's apartment, once again deciding to enter through the back balcony.

Upon arriving on the outside balcony she had a flashback to two weeks previous when she had snuck in to seduce him. The feeling was quite different now than it had been then. Back then, she'd felt desperate, she'd felt lost, and now, now she just felt scared to death. He would reject her – hate her once he found out.

She was sure of it, but what else could she do?

Hinata's heart saddened at the thought, and her sadness only increased when she remembered watching Naruto looking at the ring on his hand. She wondered if he'd had it on earlier – she hadn't thought to check. Come to think of it, she hadn't recalled seeing Ino wearing a ring. Had Naruto gotten her one? Or did that mean that Ino had proposed to Naruto and he still needed to get Ino a ring?

The pathetic attempt to gather all her courage seemed to drain from her at these thoughts, and Hinata could merely stand on Naruto's balcony, standing outside the apartment of the man that she loved, looking in through the small windows on the door.

Hinata swallowed, looking at the door. She couldn't go in. She probably should go in and confess, but her feet wouldn't move. Hinata could always cherish the memory, and hope that Naruto cherished the supposed dream he’d had.

It was probably better that he didn't know anyway. He wouldn't have to feel bad about cheating on Ino when he hadn't really meant to do so.

Yes, that was it. She shouldn't say anything. She should just leave now. What had she been thinking?

Hinata never seemed to think clearly when Naruto was around.

Even so, Hinata couldn't seem to move either way. She couldn't enter his apartment to tell him the truth, and she couldn't leave his small balcony, decorated serenely with potted plants.

"Oh!" Hinata gasped quietly, as she saw a large, white lily fully blossomed in the dead of night. She realized it must have been another moon lily, a companion to the one that Naruto had picked for Ino. Hinata couldn't help but smile, looking at the large, creamy-colored petals. She gently reached her hand out to stroke the closest petal, feeling the petal's texture, which felt more like a leaf than a petal, though still somehow as soft.

"Isn't it pretty?"

Hinata gasped and turned, finding Naruto behind her. It was unlike her to be so unaware of her surroundings, but what shocked her even more was that Naruto didn’t seem at all surprised to see her there.

"I'm having another one of those dreams, aren't I?" Naruto asked, smiling slightly. "The first one was the best, but last night's was pretty hot too. I like these dreams."

Hinata merely stared dumbfounded, as her brain slowly tried to process what Naruto had meant about having a hot dream last night too. As Naruto stalked toward her, his hand reaching out, gently stroking the side of her face, all thoughts left her mind, though the last fleeting thought was that she was grateful that he thought their only time together had been better than the dream he’d had last night.

"Naruto," Hinata breathed, but was unable to say or do anything else as Naruto's lips pressed against hers, his arms coming around her, picking her up, and taking her into his apartment without her having any say in the matter.


Next Chapter: The Line Between Dreams and Reality


For those of you who didn’t quite get it, Naruto got confused about their first time since he kept having sex dreams about Hinata. :) Hope you enjoyed this chapter! ~ Jelp