That Crack-filled ShikaNeji one for Nessy
folder
Naruto › Yaoi - Male/Male
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
1
Views:
1,061
Reviews:
3
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Naruto › Yaoi - Male/Male
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
1
Views:
1,061
Reviews:
3
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Naruto, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
That Crack-filled ShikaNeji one for Nessy
[EDIT] Man, I have NO idea what the hell happened to the formatting...it exploded in evil piles of grossness...I fixed the weirdness where the paragraph cuts off suddenly...Thanks for pointing it out, KeairaxSeiaa!
A/N: So, a while back, my friend Nessy gave me a challenge.
1. ShikaNeji and SasuNaru
2. Grocery Store
3. Sasuke in cat ears
4. Milk
Most of this fic was written quite a few months ago, then the last scene was finished recently...so sorry if it doesn't all line up. Not that it matters, since it's all EXTREMELY OOC.
Naruto characters belong to Kishimoto, etc. etc.
That Crack-filled ShikaNeji one for Nessy
"Neji?" A bored, lazy voice sounded from beside him, making the long-haired nin jump. No. No, he did NOT just squeak. Puh-lease! Hyuuga's did not SQUEAK.
He huffed and tossed his long hair, then crossed his arms and glared at the woman behind the deli counter. Yes, woman...you. "Um...Neji?"
~Silence, I'm brooding.~
A bored sigh, "Fine. I'm going to the dairy section."
Dairy? Neji's brow dropped lower. Ah, yes...the original mission. His stomach growled at him. No milk in the house. Neji needed milk for his breakfast. If you give a Hyuuga breakfast, it'd better be cereal. And if you give a Hyuuga cereal, it'd better have lots of milk. And marshmallows...but that's not the point.
Another heavy sigh then the sound of footsteps falling away.
"Shikamaru."
An exasperated sigh.
The woman behind the counter shrank back a little as Neji narrowed his eyes. ~Yes, you better cower. Do you know WHO. I. Am?~
"I'll go with." He turned veeery slowly on his heel, being sure not to break eye contact with the deli lady for as long as possible. ~I'll deal with you later, deli woman.~
Shikamaru stared blankly at him, less than a foot away. ~NO I DID NOT JUST SQUEAK! I KNEW HE WAS THERE! ...of course I did. I am Hyuuga Neji, all-powerful ninja.~ Shika's eyebrows sank a little low in an amusing I'm-annoyed-with-you-you-idiot expression.
Hyuuga did the first thing that came to mind. He smirked and kissed Shikamaru's forehead and darted around him before the other boy could react.
"Neji!"
"I'm going to the dairy section!"
Shikamaru rolled his eyes and trailed after his psychotic boyfriend.
~~~~~~~
Neji raged.
Shikamaru looked ready to curl up on the floor and sleep.
The dairy shelf looked innocently clean.
And therein lay the problem.
"It's empty."
"I see you're observant as ever..." Shikamaru crossed his arms over his chest and yawned, "Can we go now? I need my mid-morning nap."
Neji turned hard eyes on his boyfriend, "ExCUSE me? I'm having a crisis here and all you say is 'I need a frikkin nap'?"
"Don't get your ponytail in a knot." Shikamaru snorted, and scratched the back of his head, "They don't have any milk. Let's go home."
"No."
"Neji...stop pouting and eat something else for breakfast."
What part of this did Shikamaru fail to understand?! Neji not only *wanted* milk for his cereal...he *needed* milk. It was like his second love...though with the way Shikamaru was acting, the two might switch positions veeeery soon. He glared at the current target of his non-affections, glared at the dairy shelf, then spun on his heels and stormed away.
He made sure to save a nice, nasty glare for the deli woman.
~~~~~~~
"Neeeeeeeeeeeee-jiiiiiiii." Shikamaru wasn't normally one to whine, but...well...they'd been standing in the same place for the last ten minutes. At least, Shikamaru reasoned, they were out of the way...sort of. The Hyuuga had taken root in front of the market door, putting his weight on his left leg and bending his right just a little, one arm crossed over his chest, the other's hand propped on his chin, looking deep in thought. Maybe he was, too. Shikamaru was passed the point of caring.
He sighed, reaching out and grabbing Neji's wrist, and gave him a violent tug. Neji's eyes widened as he was suddenly uprooted and pulled away from his thoughts.
He didn't protest, simply straightened, fighting off a slightly embarrassed blush from him ungraceful movements, and glared at Shikamaru.
Shikamaru stared right back for .0005 seconds before rolling his eyes and walking away.
"HEY! Shika! Help your boyfriend out with this!"
Shikamaru just kept walking.
~Fine. I'm not chasing after him......no, I won't...I swear...he can go his own way, I'll find my own milk...~ He started walking, brow falling low once again, ~No, I'm *not* following him, I swear. We're just...going the same wa--oh screw it.~ "Shi-ka-ma-ru!" He resisted the urge to stomp his foot and pout, instead using the energy to quicken his pace (~no running, thank you very much,~ he thought bitterly, ~I still have *some* of my dignity left.~)
Shikamaru turned unexpectedly.
"Hey? Isn't your house this way?" He pointed straight ahead.
"Going to Naruto's, you idiot."
Neji frowned. ~NO, I'M NOT POUTING!~ Then trailed after, feeling a bit like a pet on a leash, "...why?"
"Naruto always has milk he never drinks."
Neji perked up. Milk? Oh, Shikamaru...you DO care! If he'd been anyone else, he would have jumped the slightly shorter man. Instead, he smirked a smirk that oh so totally could have rivaled the ones he'd seen Sasuke giving when Naruto wasn't looking/was looking completely obliviously adorable. He'd jump the poor boy once they got home. After his cereal.
~~~~~~~
He knocked again.
Silence. Well this wasn't THAT unusual...it WAS before noon on a day off. The blonde idiot was probably still sleeping. Neji sighed, pushed a hand into his hair for a second, then pulled it back out, pausing to make sure everything was still in place.
"Just go get it. You know he doesn't lock the door." Shikamaru huffed, crossing his arms and leaning against the wall, "He'll never know you were here."
"You're just as helpful as ever, you know that?"
"You're the one who wanted milk."
Neji's nostrils flared. ~Useless...what the hell do I keep him around for? Besides the sex and all that...~
The apartment was quiet when Neji's Secret Ninja Mission: Capture Milk began. He heard Shikamaru issue a groan behind him as he darted forward, hiding behind the nearest object...a couch.
And then there were noises down the hall. Snap. He tucked and rolled, froze, listening to a muffled sound. Was that groaning? Was Naruto in trouble? Then another voice, deeper, another noise. Oh.
OH.
Double snapz.
Neji frowned in the direction of the bedroom, then rose slowly, and wandered into Narutos dirty kitchen. He wrinkled his nose at the used Ramen containers and pulled open the fridge.
Ahhhhh, let the light of heaven shine down and may angels sing. Dairy product. Milk. Glorious milk. And still within it's expiration date...
Neji grabbed it.
"What the hell?"
Triple snapz and a barrel of screaming monkeys.
He straightened, "Hello..." he turned slowly, ~Dramatic effect, yesssssssss, you show him, you stud you...~, "Uchi...haaaaaawhatthehellareyouwearing? And where are your *pants*?"
The black haired nin glared at him. Of course, any effect of the Stare-O-Death was lost by the...kitty ears...and...belled...collar...currently doning the otherwise nude boy.
"Why are you in Naruto's kitchen."
"Milk. Why are you here?" ~And where the HELL are your pants? I do NOT need to see the LittlePrideAndJoyOfTheUchihaClan.~ Neji wanted to cry. He just wanted his cereal, damn it.
"I'm getting laid."
~Ew. Ewewewewew, too much info. Wait...~ "You're...with...with Naruto?" The Uchiha quirked an eyebrow, "Does he even KNOW where Slot B is to insert Tab A?"
Uchiha smirked. Goddamn it. "I'm teaching him."
Give him the old Hyuuga smirk, yesssss, that one, "Looks more like you're being trained."
Uchiha scowls. Ten points to Neji.
"Not my idea. But if you don't mind, I'm up for some kitchen table sex, so--"
Neji held up his hands, "Stop right there, do not pass Go." Pause, "I have a boyfriend, so there's no way this could work."
"Not with YOU. Get the fuck out."
What? No one, and Neji meant NO ONE talked to a Hyuuga like that...
"Neji, are you done yet?" Shikamaru wandered in. Brilliant. His boyfriend was going to see Uchiha and Little Uchiha and then he'd be tramatized for life...
"DON'T LOOK, SHIKA! SAVE YOURSELF!"
And then there were hands on the back of his shirt. And the next thing he knew he was standing outside with Shikamaru.
Empty handed.
Snapz to the millionth degree.
But...but...this story couldn't suffer a bad ending! Neji turned right around and threw the door open again, "GIVE ME MY GODDAMN MILK!"
"Neji? What are you doing here?"
Oh sweet little Naruto...Neji's eyes focused. At least he had pants...
"Um..."
"Didja need something?"
"Milk?" he asked meekly.
Naruto threw his hundred watt smile, "Sure, hang on."
~~~~~~~
Two minutes later found Neji walking back to his house, milk in hand, Shikamaru trailing along beside him.
"See? That wasn't so bad...just had to ask."
"Shut up."
"So, Neji..."
Silence.
"Would you ever consider cat ears?"
It wasn't abuse to punch your boyfriend when he all but asked for it, in Neji's book anyway...especially when said boyfriend was a nin as well. So he did...
And then went home to plot the demise of the deli lady. After cereal.
A/N: So, a while back, my friend Nessy gave me a challenge.
1. ShikaNeji and SasuNaru
2. Grocery Store
3. Sasuke in cat ears
4. Milk
Most of this fic was written quite a few months ago, then the last scene was finished recently...so sorry if it doesn't all line up. Not that it matters, since it's all EXTREMELY OOC.
Naruto characters belong to Kishimoto, etc. etc.
That Crack-filled ShikaNeji one for Nessy
"Neji?" A bored, lazy voice sounded from beside him, making the long-haired nin jump. No. No, he did NOT just squeak. Puh-lease! Hyuuga's did not SQUEAK.
He huffed and tossed his long hair, then crossed his arms and glared at the woman behind the deli counter. Yes, woman...you. "Um...Neji?"
~Silence, I'm brooding.~
A bored sigh, "Fine. I'm going to the dairy section."
Dairy? Neji's brow dropped lower. Ah, yes...the original mission. His stomach growled at him. No milk in the house. Neji needed milk for his breakfast. If you give a Hyuuga breakfast, it'd better be cereal. And if you give a Hyuuga cereal, it'd better have lots of milk. And marshmallows...but that's not the point.
Another heavy sigh then the sound of footsteps falling away.
"Shikamaru."
An exasperated sigh.
The woman behind the counter shrank back a little as Neji narrowed his eyes. ~Yes, you better cower. Do you know WHO. I. Am?~
"I'll go with." He turned veeery slowly on his heel, being sure not to break eye contact with the deli lady for as long as possible. ~I'll deal with you later, deli woman.~
Shikamaru stared blankly at him, less than a foot away. ~NO I DID NOT JUST SQUEAK! I KNEW HE WAS THERE! ...of course I did. I am Hyuuga Neji, all-powerful ninja.~ Shika's eyebrows sank a little low in an amusing I'm-annoyed-with-you-you-idiot expression.
Hyuuga did the first thing that came to mind. He smirked and kissed Shikamaru's forehead and darted around him before the other boy could react.
"Neji!"
"I'm going to the dairy section!"
Shikamaru rolled his eyes and trailed after his psychotic boyfriend.
~~~~~~~
Neji raged.
Shikamaru looked ready to curl up on the floor and sleep.
The dairy shelf looked innocently clean.
And therein lay the problem.
"It's empty."
"I see you're observant as ever..." Shikamaru crossed his arms over his chest and yawned, "Can we go now? I need my mid-morning nap."
Neji turned hard eyes on his boyfriend, "ExCUSE me? I'm having a crisis here and all you say is 'I need a frikkin nap'?"
"Don't get your ponytail in a knot." Shikamaru snorted, and scratched the back of his head, "They don't have any milk. Let's go home."
"No."
"Neji...stop pouting and eat something else for breakfast."
What part of this did Shikamaru fail to understand?! Neji not only *wanted* milk for his cereal...he *needed* milk. It was like his second love...though with the way Shikamaru was acting, the two might switch positions veeeery soon. He glared at the current target of his non-affections, glared at the dairy shelf, then spun on his heels and stormed away.
He made sure to save a nice, nasty glare for the deli woman.
~~~~~~~
"Neeeeeeeeeeeee-jiiiiiiii." Shikamaru wasn't normally one to whine, but...well...they'd been standing in the same place for the last ten minutes. At least, Shikamaru reasoned, they were out of the way...sort of. The Hyuuga had taken root in front of the market door, putting his weight on his left leg and bending his right just a little, one arm crossed over his chest, the other's hand propped on his chin, looking deep in thought. Maybe he was, too. Shikamaru was passed the point of caring.
He sighed, reaching out and grabbing Neji's wrist, and gave him a violent tug. Neji's eyes widened as he was suddenly uprooted and pulled away from his thoughts.
He didn't protest, simply straightened, fighting off a slightly embarrassed blush from him ungraceful movements, and glared at Shikamaru.
Shikamaru stared right back for .0005 seconds before rolling his eyes and walking away.
"HEY! Shika! Help your boyfriend out with this!"
Shikamaru just kept walking.
~Fine. I'm not chasing after him......no, I won't...I swear...he can go his own way, I'll find my own milk...~ He started walking, brow falling low once again, ~No, I'm *not* following him, I swear. We're just...going the same wa--oh screw it.~ "Shi-ka-ma-ru!" He resisted the urge to stomp his foot and pout, instead using the energy to quicken his pace (~no running, thank you very much,~ he thought bitterly, ~I still have *some* of my dignity left.~)
Shikamaru turned unexpectedly.
"Hey? Isn't your house this way?" He pointed straight ahead.
"Going to Naruto's, you idiot."
Neji frowned. ~NO, I'M NOT POUTING!~ Then trailed after, feeling a bit like a pet on a leash, "...why?"
"Naruto always has milk he never drinks."
Neji perked up. Milk? Oh, Shikamaru...you DO care! If he'd been anyone else, he would have jumped the slightly shorter man. Instead, he smirked a smirk that oh so totally could have rivaled the ones he'd seen Sasuke giving when Naruto wasn't looking/was looking completely obliviously adorable. He'd jump the poor boy once they got home. After his cereal.
~~~~~~~
He knocked again.
Silence. Well this wasn't THAT unusual...it WAS before noon on a day off. The blonde idiot was probably still sleeping. Neji sighed, pushed a hand into his hair for a second, then pulled it back out, pausing to make sure everything was still in place.
"Just go get it. You know he doesn't lock the door." Shikamaru huffed, crossing his arms and leaning against the wall, "He'll never know you were here."
"You're just as helpful as ever, you know that?"
"You're the one who wanted milk."
Neji's nostrils flared. ~Useless...what the hell do I keep him around for? Besides the sex and all that...~
The apartment was quiet when Neji's Secret Ninja Mission: Capture Milk began. He heard Shikamaru issue a groan behind him as he darted forward, hiding behind the nearest object...a couch.
And then there were noises down the hall. Snap. He tucked and rolled, froze, listening to a muffled sound. Was that groaning? Was Naruto in trouble? Then another voice, deeper, another noise. Oh.
OH.
Double snapz.
Neji frowned in the direction of the bedroom, then rose slowly, and wandered into Narutos dirty kitchen. He wrinkled his nose at the used Ramen containers and pulled open the fridge.
Ahhhhh, let the light of heaven shine down and may angels sing. Dairy product. Milk. Glorious milk. And still within it's expiration date...
Neji grabbed it.
"What the hell?"
Triple snapz and a barrel of screaming monkeys.
He straightened, "Hello..." he turned slowly, ~Dramatic effect, yesssssssss, you show him, you stud you...~, "Uchi...haaaaaawhatthehellareyouwearing? And where are your *pants*?"
The black haired nin glared at him. Of course, any effect of the Stare-O-Death was lost by the...kitty ears...and...belled...collar...currently doning the otherwise nude boy.
"Why are you in Naruto's kitchen."
"Milk. Why are you here?" ~And where the HELL are your pants? I do NOT need to see the LittlePrideAndJoyOfTheUchihaClan.~ Neji wanted to cry. He just wanted his cereal, damn it.
"I'm getting laid."
~Ew. Ewewewewew, too much info. Wait...~ "You're...with...with Naruto?" The Uchiha quirked an eyebrow, "Does he even KNOW where Slot B is to insert Tab A?"
Uchiha smirked. Goddamn it. "I'm teaching him."
Give him the old Hyuuga smirk, yesssss, that one, "Looks more like you're being trained."
Uchiha scowls. Ten points to Neji.
"Not my idea. But if you don't mind, I'm up for some kitchen table sex, so--"
Neji held up his hands, "Stop right there, do not pass Go." Pause, "I have a boyfriend, so there's no way this could work."
"Not with YOU. Get the fuck out."
What? No one, and Neji meant NO ONE talked to a Hyuuga like that...
"Neji, are you done yet?" Shikamaru wandered in. Brilliant. His boyfriend was going to see Uchiha and Little Uchiha and then he'd be tramatized for life...
"DON'T LOOK, SHIKA! SAVE YOURSELF!"
And then there were hands on the back of his shirt. And the next thing he knew he was standing outside with Shikamaru.
Empty handed.
Snapz to the millionth degree.
But...but...this story couldn't suffer a bad ending! Neji turned right around and threw the door open again, "GIVE ME MY GODDAMN MILK!"
"Neji? What are you doing here?"
Oh sweet little Naruto...Neji's eyes focused. At least he had pants...
"Um..."
"Didja need something?"
"Milk?" he asked meekly.
Naruto threw his hundred watt smile, "Sure, hang on."
~~~~~~~
Two minutes later found Neji walking back to his house, milk in hand, Shikamaru trailing along beside him.
"See? That wasn't so bad...just had to ask."
"Shut up."
"So, Neji..."
Silence.
"Would you ever consider cat ears?"
It wasn't abuse to punch your boyfriend when he all but asked for it, in Neji's book anyway...especially when said boyfriend was a nin as well. So he did...
And then went home to plot the demise of the deli lady. After cereal.