FreakShow!Naruto

Title: FreakShow!Naruto

Description: Vampire!Sasuke, Werewolf!Naruto, Incubus!Kakashi, Ghost!Itachi, and many, many others make an appearance in this unique and cracktastic fic that explores these characters under new and exciting circumstances. Watch them make love and live life from a whole new angle. I'm saving a lot of the characters' "freakiness" as a surprise, but expect dead characters to return, and living characters to turn into weird things or have unusual conditions.

A/N: It starts off a bit slow, but trust me, it will get even weirder and crazier as I add more chapters and more freakified characters. Despite the insane crack, it will have a coherent plot that leads up to a climactic end! And yes, there is an end, a thrusting, soaking wet climax that will leave you dripping with happiness. Actually the climax contains no sex, but... you'll like it. Trust me. XD OMG... I'm gonna go work on it some more... it makes me grin SO MUCH...

I really wanted to kick this off on Halloween. While I have over a hundred pages of this thing written, I haven't yet finished some of the parts in the beginning, so all I can submit tonight is the first chapter. Don't worry, though- I have a lot written and planned, and I'll move along the best I can in posting new chapters frequently. I have to reach a certain point in the plotline in time for the Christmas Special next year! Yay Itachi!!! You can't have a Christmas Special without Itachi!

I hope you all stick with me! I'm really excited about all the opportunities this fic presents! I DID MY BEST TO MAKE THIS A VERY UNIQUE AND WORTHWHILE READ! Too bad the first couple chapters aren't quite up to standards.

Um, TIMING. They're about 13 here. This happens before the Orochimaru arc, which gets thrown off pretty quickly since Sasuke's a vampire. I actually haven't figured out yet how I'm going to incorporate Orochimaru and Kabuto, but where there's a willie, there's a way. Ha ha ha. Anyway, if and when they show up, the plotline will take a completely different direction from the canon. I guess that if you like, you can assume that the incident where Itachi first showed up has already occurred, though the fic will stand on its own if you haven't gotten to this point in the anime yet.


Warnings: Some very strange sex is ahead!!! Explicit sex, warnings vary by chapter from WAFF to violent NC. (You'll have plenty of warning for violent stuff, and I've tried to make it so you can skip those parts and read a summary instead if you so choose. I AM, after all, One Sick Mind, and my shit can get really graphic.)

Um, all in all, so far stuff I'm working on includes: M/M, M/F, oral, anal, necro, beast, N/C, BDSM, actually no blood play and very little vamp... you will see how I explore OTHER unique qualities of vampires... WAFF, emo, crack, bond, tort, able, violence. Some OOC, but I try very hard to keep them in character. Kakashi wound up a bit too emo for my tastes, and Itachi has a personality that many may consider OOC but I am prepared to justify as canon. Sasuke probably wound up a bit too talkative, but dialogue is one of my favorite parts, and, as my beta pointed out, he's so 2-D in the canon that authors can justify going a little further with his speech. The whole point of this fic is to keep them as in-character as possible, or else it just won't be interesting to see how their characters are modified by being turned into a vampire/werewolf/succubus/ghost/yakuza/siren/etc.

This chapter is just M/M. Don't worry, next chapter will have explicit (and slightly strange) sex. I just need a few more days to work out the kinks.

Pre-Fic: Spoilers
For people who don't know who Tsunade is.

This story includes some characters who aren't introduced until as late as... um... whatever chapter introduces Tsudnade. However, I want to make this accessible to ALL Naruto fans (who have seen at least to, say, Episode 3.) This means that you can both understand what's happening and not have the series spoiled.

Since you really have no idea what I've drawn from the actual anime, and what I've just made up myself (and there's a LOT of that!), I'm just going to tell you the bare minimum you need to understand some of the characters I use in this fic. Remember... I made a lot of this up... this is what matters for the purpose of this story:

Kyuubi: a fox demon that resides inside Naruto

Uchiha Obito: Kakashi's teammate and lover who died when they were young

Uchiha Itachi: Sasuke's brother who killed his clan

Uchiha Shisui: Itachi's lover, who Itachi drowned shortly before killing the clan

Hinata: shy girl who likes Naruto

Neji: her brother

Lee: guy on Neji's team

TenTen: girl on Lee and Neji's team

Gai: Lee's (and Neji's and TenTen's) teacher, and Kakashi's lover.

Shikamaru: same age as the other kids (not a chuunin here)

Chouji: fat guy on Shikamaru's team

Ino: also on their team; Sakura's rival (female)

Sakura: that pink thing that's sometimes in the background when Sasuke's around

Gaara: kid from another village who fights with sand and doesn't play well with others

Kankuro: guy on Gaara's team

Yondaime: The fourth Hokage

Jiaraya: old pervert

Tsunade: smart female

Orochimaru: creepy old guy who wants Sasuke

Kabuto: Orochimaru's beautiful white-haired intelligent minion who wears glasses and is my favorite person in all the world, and this fic is only going to contain Oro just so I can do stuff with Kabuto. His bloodtype is AB. His voice is like angels. He's a brilliant doctor who uses his medical skills to fight. I love him. Here are some pictures:
http://www.naruto-kun.com/naruto+characters/kabuto.html
http://www.naruto-fan.net/uploads/images/BirthDays/Kabuto.jpg
http://www.apsylus.com/art/otherfanart/kabuto-orosama.shtml
http://narutofan.blog.playersrepublic.fr/images/medium_kabuto.jpg
http://195.20.14.206/0/14/09/05/kabuto.gif
http://www.anime-naruto.de/bilder/chara/Kabuto.jpg Hot when he's Dirty, too
http://www.cyberconnect2.jp/naruto3/char/image/kabuto.jpg
http://ic3.deviantart.com/fs7/i/2005/262/0/c/Sasheenka__YAKUSHI_KABUTO_by_Kabutosama_HS.jpg
http://www.vnetbox.com/cartoon/2/img/kabuto.jpg Holy Shit that's OOC
http://ic1.deviantart.com/fs10/i/2006/100/e/9/Naruto__Kabuto_oekaki_by_mingming07.png
http://img.sheezyart.com/art/medium/77/771339.jpg
http://ic1.deviantart.com/fs8/i/2005/336/7/6/Crossplay___Yakushi_Kabuto_by_Gloriantes.jpg

ANYWAY, on with the fic!!! Please do forgive me and come back later if this chapter isn't your cup of tea-- once I have a few chapters up, I think you'll decide it's well worth your time!!!

------------------------------ Chapter 1 ------------------------------

Sasuke woke up feeling stiff and hungry. He quickly sensed his surroundings and knew he was in an unfamiliar place. He froze, pretending to still be asleep, trying to remember what had happened.

As soon as he began to have a vague recollection of a battle, he decided he'd been captured. Hearing no other people around, he opened his eyes; it was pitch dark.
He shifted on a hard floor, and then moved his arms and discovered his solid cage only gave him a few inches to the side. He didn't even have room to curl up.

He was very, very thirsty and hungry. He worked his hands around his small confines, groping for some kind of food or water, and found none. He decided it wouldn't hurt to alert attention to the fact he was awake. He considered shouting, but couldn't think of anything to say that wouldn't sound stupid, so simply drew back his arm as far has he could and punched the ceiling.

His fist landed with a heavy, muffled thud. And- the ceiling gave.

Sasuke punched it again. It was definitely weak; he felt wood bend and crack. He punched again, and his fist broke through into something soft; dirt spilled onto his chest.

That's when he put it together that he'd been buried alive.

Now Sasuke was pissed. Who the hell killed their enemy in battle like that?!! Gaara? This wasn't made of sand, though... god damn it, he was too hungry to worry about that, he needed to get out and eat. He would have his revenge on whoever had put him here, but revenge was a dish best served as just desserts on a full stomach. Or something like that. Eat!

Sasuke thrust his arms into the dirt above himself and dug his way upwards, shoving dirt to the sides and pushing it down out of his way into the coffin. As he reached high to push away more dirt, a hand grabbed his wrist. He jerked away instinctively, then allowed the person to help pull him up.

He knew who it was before his head even reached the surface, though, because now he could hear crystal-clear screams that could only belong to the village idiot.

"Sasuke! Sasuke!"

For an instant, Sasuke wanted to turn around and crawl back into the coffin.

Then Naruto lifted him all the way up through the dirt of the grave and hugged him tightly in his arms. Before Sasuke could even decide between greeting Naruto or insulting him, his mouth was covered in Naruto's hot kiss. He resisted an almost overwhelming urge to bite him, and instead kissed back as sincerely as he could. Naruto was obviously quite upset.

In between the tangle of lips and tongues, Naruto was crying, "Sasuke, Sasuke... god, youre so cold..."

After pandering to his lover's emotional distress for a full four seconds, Sasuke decided that enough was enough and pushed away, saying, "Let's go eat."

"Sasuke..." Naruto sobbed. "Oh, god, I thought you were dead. But you're, you're not, you're-- are you a vampire? Open your mouth!"

Suddenly Sasuke was shoved from his warm embrace to the cold ground. Naruto intruded a dirty finger into his mouth.

"Hey, couldn't you have done that with your tongue?!" he protested.

Naruto's finger pressed firmly against the side of a tooth that was much longer than the rest. A fang? Somehow, the revelation was not at all profound to Sasuke. After all, it would help him eat. He was starving. Vampire or not, fangs were great, they'd help him hold his struggling prey in his mouth while he swallowed their blood. See, a benefit. A bonus. Now only to get his new fangs away from Naruto's dirty yet strangely delicious hand and onto his neck, or an animal's neck, yeah, god he was hungry.

"Oh god, Sasuke..." he cried. "You're a vampire-- That's SO cool!--" he brightened again. "You need to drink blood, Sasuke," he said without letting him go. "Go, go eat."

"I will if you let me up!"

Naruto clenched around him and whimpered, "Don't leave me!" and in the same breath said, "You need to eat, drink some blood, it'll warm you up..."

Sasuke had to drag his dumb lover halfway to the forest before he finally let go. "Look, Naruto," he said, "Why don't you help find some animals for me, okay?" Naruto sniffed, nodded, and clutched his arm.

Sasuke sighed. He faced Naruto and put his hands on his shoulders. "Look, all I remember is waking up in that damn coffin. But I guess it must've been pretty hard for you thinking I was dead. But I'm not, okay?? Now stop crying like a little girl. If I wanted to take care of a baby, I wouldn't be dating boys."

"You bastard! I'm not being a baby! You were fucking dead!!! We all thought- we all--" Naruto looked ready to cry again.

That little speech Sasuke had just made was the most sympathetic thing he had been able to muster. Now he was completely drained.

"You should've seen Sakura, she was so upset..."

"Oh, her. Did she at least have the decency to commit suicide in her greif?"

"BASTARD! She really cares about you, you know!!!"

"Yeah, she and all the other girls, I bet they made the funeral close early due to danger of flood."

"OF COURSE the other girls were upset! And you know what? Half the village came! Even though all you do is act like a prick to everyone, they came to your funeral!"

"Couldn't wait to put the last Uchiha in the ground..."

"And...Kakashi... Kakashi cried for you, you bastard! He tried to hide it, but he was crying... he was actually upset that your sorry ass was gone!"

"Feh," he mumbled, looking away. "Probably from reading all those sappy comics."

"And I... Sasuke, you bastard, can't your thick skull contemplate what it's like to think that someone you love is dead??!!!"

"Yes, as a matter of fact," snapped Sasuke, "I can. Now shut up about it."

"It was AWFUL, you bastard! I waited for you because you died with those marks on your neck... I waited here every night because of a stupid fantasy that you might come back... Then I thought, 'What if the impatient bastard tries to dig himself up during the day? I'll have to shove him back into his grave so he won't burn!' and I stayed here days, too, and my shadow clone brought me food..."

"Why didn't you just station a shadow clone to watch?" Sasuke asked tiredly.

"It might've popped!"

"You're such a dumbass," Sasuke sighed, and put his arms around him."I guess it was my duty to come back and take care of you so you didn't freeze to death with your stupid antics." He laughed once and pushed Naruto away again. "Not that you would have been able to keep your attention fixated on one thing for so long."

"No! Sasuke, if you hadn't come back, I would've waited here until... until I died of old age, I would've waited..."

"You know, you could've dug me up and confirmed my body had rotted."

"But you still might've come back as a zombie."

"Stop being an idiot! In the first place, the chance of a body coming back as a zombie is as close to zero as you can get--"

"--the same goes for vampires--"

"-- and in the second place, who the hell wants a rotting, brain-craving corpse?!!"

"I'd want it if it was you."

"That's very sweet, now can I go eat now?"

"Stay with me... take care of me... don't leave me again... HEY WHERE YOU GOING?!!!"

"To get blood, dumbass!" Sasuke was really getting impatient. As important as his distraught lover was, he needed blood. He was starving for it more strongly than he'd wanted anything else, aside from his brother's death, and if this went on much longer, he'd bite Naruto and drain him until he was nothing but a lifeless husk. God knows he already wanted to smack the bitch.

Naruto clutched his legs, toppling him over, and wouldn't let go. Sasuke punched him as hard as he could in the head; Naruto went limp and Sasuke bolted without looking back, giving no further thought to his lover until he was halfway through his third forest creature and noticed a pair of hands shaking his shoulders and the constant buzz of a familiar voice.


*****


Sasuke just wanted to go home, but Naruto's babbling destroyed the quiet night.

"We have to tell everyone! Wait'll they see you're not dead! Ha! I TOLD them, too! I told them I'd bring Sasuke home! They said that if I dragged a corpse into town they'd burn it. But we'll show them! We'll show them you're alive! Sasuke's alive!!!"

"I'm not alive, I'm undead," Sasuke muttered. He wanted a moment's peace, but apparently Naruto was intent on going down the entire attendance list of his funeral and correcting everyone's mistake.

Sasuke sighed- a deliberate act of speech now that he had no breath- and said, "Why don't we just have the newspaper print a little column about it near the obituaries?"

His protests went unheard, however, and before he knew it he was standing in front of Kakashi's house.

Naruto pounded on the door and happily presented his resurrected teammate to the jounin who answered the door.

"Kakashi... Sasuke's alive!!!"

Kakashi looked at Sasuke with any emotion masked. There was a silence as he surveyed the boy. Slowly he reached out to him and touched his face; then he slammed him onto the doorstep, pinning him by his throat and arms.

"Don't just assume this is the real Sasuke. How do you know for sure?"

The arms pinning Sasuke were shaking very slightly.

"Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto shouted in shock.

"I am serious, Naruto," Kakashi said calmly. "This is exactly the sort of trick enemies use. Tell me the test you used to confirm he is not an impostor."

"He's- he's- he's a bastard!"

Kakashi sighed slowly and asked Sasuke, "What similarity do you and I share?"

"It certainly isn't your intolerable lateness or perverted addiction to those immature books."

Kakashi yanked Sasuke forwards in a strong grip, and Sasuke thought he was going to beat him up, but then Kakashi pulled him to his chest and locked his arms around him.

"Sasuke--" he started, but when his voice cracked, he stopped. His breath shook as though he were trying not to cry.

Now Sasuke felt awkward. He had actually been rather impressed with Kakashi's caution over his identity, but this new display made him uncomfortable. He tried to push Kakashi away, but his teacher was employing a skilled ninja hug from which there was no escape.

Kakashi held his student tightly. Sasuke's appearence had stirred up all the emotions that had been unearthed at the funeral- and planted new ones. To have come back; death had always been such a final, absolute thing to Kakashi, but now, after the curtain had fallen and everything had ended, he came back-- back, from death--

Kakashi finally pushed Sasuke away from him, holding his shoulders and staring into his face. The 13-year-old boy looked back up at him, and all Kakashi could think was how young Sasuke looked, to have died and now to be turned into this... thing... and given eternal life... the child couldn't possibly have any grasp of what had happend to him and what lay ahead... and only five minutes ago, Kakashi thought the slender little boy was dead, dead as a kitten but here he was... so innocent about it...

And deeper inside, it was there: My Uchiha is back. He still knew it was a stupid sentiment to attach himself to Obito's relative, but he liked to think that he took care of Sasuke where he had failed to take care of Obito, and he had been doing a rather crappy job anyway... but he was back, it was like being forgiven. And if he was forgiven for Sasuke, maybe he was forgiven for Obito too, but no, look at this cold, dead thing in his hands, this was not forgiveness, this was Sasuke being turned into a vampire and Kakashi overreacting to the false death of someone who wasn't the person he loved.

He closed his eyes and took a deep, quiet breath, then looked at Sasuke calmly and asked, "Do you feel up to training tomorrow morning?"

"I... don't think I can be in the sun."

"Oh. Right." Kakashi rubbed his forehead absently, but was happy to have a practical distraction for his mind: He would have to rearrange the training schedule, make it fit with his living students' activities in the daytime, contact administration about Sasuke's new status of being unable to operate in the day...

"He doesn't seem very happy to see me," sighed Sasuke, sounding satisfied. "Let's get the rest of them over with."

Kakashi reached out to hug him again, but he walked away just one step too quickly. Instead Kakshi's hand snatched a pencil, and he continued back inside to fill out paperwork to submit to the Missions Board tomorrow morning. He was already in the other room when he heard the door close.


*****


"Well, one down, four hundred fifty eight to go!" Naruto was holding the attendance book and looking at all the names.

"The only way I can say 'no' more firmly is by putting a kunai through your skull."

"That includes all the members of families, though, so really we have much less stops to make. And it's not the whole list, really, just the people who signed their names. Aww, look, Iruka-sensei wrote 'Have a nice afterlife.' We should buy him a fruit basket. Hey, who wrote 'good riddance?!!'... oh, that must have been one of my clones. Erotic drawings of women bearing your soul to Valhalla from Jiaraya... 'He was the best" from Chouji- heh, what did YOU two do in bed... 'My heart is broken, my soul will yearn for you always, may the knife pierce my breast more painfully than your death pierces my heart, yadda yadda yadda' from the girls... see, we can't let their pain last for another minute... "

Sasuke thrust a blade at Naruto's head; the blond deflected it but suffered a nasty bruise.

"Bastard! What's wrong with you??"

"I just don't feel like displaying myself to half the town so a bunch of strangers can see how I look outside of a coffin. All that dying and coming back to life has me a little exhausted."

"Come on, we have to at least tell Sakura! Tell you what, we'll see her and then nobody else!" Naruto had no intention of letting Sasuke stop at Sakura, and secretly plotted to enlist Sakura's additional strength in forcing him to come around to the rest of the houses.

"If we have to see her at ALL, we are saving her for the very end. She'll cling to me the whole time."

"You fucking bastard! Will you stop thinking of yourself for once? She fell to pieces when you died. She locked herself in her room after your funeral and hasn't come out since."

"That means she'll go even more psychotic when she sees me." Sasuke brightened at a sudden idea. "Look, do you think we can keep this a secret from her? The fact that I've come back? It would be perfect if she thought I was still--"

Naruto punched him right in the teeth.

"Hey! I need those to eat!"

Sasuke slammed Naruto into the ground, but an instant later was covered in shadow clones.

Naruto subdued Sasuke with sheer overpowering numbers, some very self-demeaning offers for slave sex, and a relaxing massage.
He decreased his clones as Sasuke gave in and coöperated, and by the time they reached Sakura's door, there was only one Naruto left to knock.

"Sakura!" he laughed joyfully. "Sakura, come out here!"

"Go away!" shouted Sakura. Sasuke was shocked. He had never heard her voice sound so bitter.

"Sakura..." Naruto said, and paused as if trying to choose his words gently. He gathered the words carefully in his mind, took a shaking breath, and screamed, "Sasuke's alive!!!"

"Fucking cunt! Now I can't dig up his body and charge the girls to have sex with it."

Naruto froze in shock, jaw dropped. "Wha- what? Sakura, did you hear me? I said Sasuke's alive! Well, undead. He's- he's back. Sakura, come out, he's right here."

"What the hell part of 'go away' don't you understand, you annoying little worm?"

"Talk to her, Sasuke," said Naruto. "She must think I'm playing a joke."

Sasuke looked very disgruntled. "I'm going to regret this," he mumbled. He raised his voice and said, "Sakura-chan. Naruto's telling the truth. I'm back from the dead."

"Whoop-de-doo, I bet you're prancing around so all the girls in the town can congratulate you. Are you going to leave now, or should I shove you back into the grave myself?"

Sasuke and Naruto looked at each other.

"Should I be more afraid of her now than I was before?" he asked.

Naruto pounded on the door. "Oiii, Sakura, what's WRONG with you?!!"

"Nothing. I just want to be left alone, is that too much to ask for?"

"Well, you heard her, let's go," Sasuke said, and turned on his heel.

"Sa- sasuke- sakura- saaa-- saaaa!" he shouted, and after spinning wildly in place for a moment, took off after his lover.

"That's so strange," Naruto mumbled worriedly to himself. "She's acting so strangely... I wonder if she's sick... oh well, I bet Shikamaru will be happy! Come on, Sasuke, I bet that Shikamaru's mom will give us cake!"

"Naruto," he said tiredly, "Can we go to your house? I really don't feel like doing this anymore."

"Let's at least tell Ino so the word will spread--"

"I'll let you be the top if we go home right now."

"--but Kakashi's really the one who's most qualified to distribute the news, and you're gonna have to call me 'daddy.'"


*****


When they got home, however, Naruto was anxious to go back out.

No sooner had he invited Sasuke in-- an event which took place eight seconds after Sasuke launched a fireball at him, forty seconds after Naruto had begun laughing, and forty-one seconds after Sasuke smacked into the empty door as if it were glass-- when Naruto began pestering him again.

"Come on, Sasukeeee!" he whined. "I don't care if I have to be bottom for a week! We have to tell everyone!"

Sasuke put his hands on Naruto's shoulders to get him to simmer down, which was akin to getting a chihuahua to sit quietly in a tub of water. "Naruto, take a moment to just try to see this from my point of view."

"Okay, I'm a sore-assed bastard..."

Sasuke ignored him and continued, "You wake up in a box that you have to dig your way out of. You are promptly thrust into the neverending company of a loudmouth--"

"Hey! Watch the editorials!"

"--a loudmouth who informs you, very excitedly, that you are dead. You have no memory of this happening, and quite frankly want nothing more than a good meal. You can't even eat in peace, and soon you find yourself being dragged about town to tell everyone you saw yesterday that you are not dead today. It's all rather morbid. Everyone who sees you displays a range of emotions you've never seen from them before. You just want to have a moment's peace from this whirlwind."

"Dude..." said Naruto, "Hasn't it even sunk in that you're a vampire?"

Sasuke rubbed his forehead and collapsed onto the sofa. "No, as a matter of fact, it hasn't." He made the conscious effort to produce another irritated sigh. "Why don't you go spread the word a little more, give me some time to think. If you do that, I'll buy you ramen for breakfast tomorrow."

"Okay!" Naruto agreed. Without a second thought, he bolted out the door. Sasuke distinctly heard the sound of shadow clones splitting off.

Sasuke sat in absolute silence for twenty minutes- silence that he had never experienced before, for it now lacked the ever-present sounds of his own breathing and pulse- and then got up to look at himself in the mirror.


*****

Naruto was halfway to Shikamaru's house when it hit him that Sasuke would not be able to fulfill his promise of buying him ramen tomorrow morning, and, inexplicably, he began to cry.


----------------------------- Chapter End -----------------------------


Well, that's all I had time to finish before Halloween! Be back in a few days for Chapter 2, which will have actual sex. And this won't be your run-of-the-mill "the vampire sank his teeth into his lover's sweet flesh and drank his lifeblood, his lover moaning and writhing at the painful yet arousing sensation" kind of vampire sex. I mean, there'll wind up being TOUCHES of that, but mostly it's going to be my own ideas of what sexual possibilities and problems accompany an undead lover.

I guess this chapter went somewhat like the rest of this story will go: Somebody turns out to have something freakishly weird going on with him; his friends and lovers adjust to his new condition; there's laughing, crying, weirdness, emo, humor, angst, creepiness, crack, sex, and, of course, freaks. Overall, the fic will mainly focus on Sasuke and Naruto, though we'll zoom in on the ongoings of other pairs as well. X) Oh boy if you only knew what was coming!!! Wait'll we get to Gai...

Oh! Yeah! And if by now you haven't been thoroughly convinced to stick with the fic, I'll let you in on one more secret... We're going to find out what's under Kakashi's mask! It's REALLY fr*ckin' weird!!!

Though I've already decided the fates of some of the characters, you still have the chance to comment and suggest weird things for certain characters to be! Please be creative, and if I use your suggestion, I'll credit you as the supreme deity of all that is witty, unnerving, and grape-flavored!