Holding the Line

Godaime had met them at the gate herself, and then put them in this room at the hospital. "He’ll need a spotter to make sure he doesn’t injure himself in case of a seizure," she’d said. There were… supplies... in here for what Neji needed done, and Naruto had laid him on the bed, still unconscious.

Naruto was standing in guard position by the door, with a nurse just outside, awaiting his instructions. Naruto felt antsy. What was coming was going to be uncomfortable.

Neji stirred on the bed, a moan that Naruto had never imagined he could emit carrying across the room, one that went straight to Naruto's groin and with a massive stab of embarrassment (not the time to dwell on his feelings for his teammate), he shoved the feeling down. Neji stretched against the mattress, and then suddenly went stock-still. Naruto gathered that full awareness had just returned.

"Neji," he said, keeping his tone even, neutral. "Do you know where you are?"

"Yes," came the curt answer, muffled in the comforter, and Neji rose to his knees on the bed, his back turned to Naruto and the door, every line of his back under the light kimono the hospital orderlies had changed him into rigid with tension.

"You were hit with a huge dose of the—-"

"I know." His voice was strangled. According to Tsunade, the stimulant cocktail was designed for psychological torture—humiliation—and even when safe at home, it seemed it was all too effective. Neji would be raging with arousal right now, with nothing to be done to mute or attenuate it except... well.

Naruto was feeling highly awkward and inappropriate as the situation touched on feelings he was trying to keep under wraps, but that was nothing in comparison to the complete humiliation rolling off Neji in waves.

This whole thing could have been only mildly embarrassing if it hadn’t been for the little quirk of reaction to the drug. Every hour or so, Tsunade had explained, a buildup of neurotransmitters triggered a massive seizure, unless defused by the physiological effects of certain hormones.

There were injections that could be administered to counteract those consequences, but Neji’s file listed him as suffering unhealthy side effects from the synthetic ingredients. In the end, Tsunade had explained, frankly and seriously, that the easiest way to manage this was simply to induce orgasm. Naruto had been so internally shaken after seeing Neji through two seizures that he hadn't even needed the seriousness in her face to avoid inappropriate jokes.

The cumulative effects of so many seizures could lead to permanent damage, and with Neji’s allergy, repeated injections could have similar effects. Orgasm... not so much.

Their target had exploded a large sachet of the drug under Neji before he was taken out. It could have been a lethal poison instead, so in the grand scheme Naruto was vastly relieved. Just at the moment, though, he could feel Neji’s horror like a palpable thing.

"Godaime said someone needs to be here," preferably a lover, she’d said, but Neji had never slept with anyone that Naruto knew of, and in fact was somewhat of a curiosity among his peers for his unwavering rebuff of anyone with romantic interest and his lack of apparent interest in anything resembling sex, which was why Naruto had never bothered sharing his own feelings. "You went into seizures on the way back. There’s a nurse outside," he finished quietly. "I’ll get her."

"No." Neji said instantly, voice tight. Naruto paused in his motion towards the door. There was a long silence, then, "Please..." Neji seemed to choke on the next words, "will you stay?"

Naruto blinked. Why on earth would Neji prefer someone he knew over the detached presence of a nurse? And why, a tiny voice wailed, did he have to sit here in the room while Neji repeatedly jerked off not ten feet away—and then reality served his discomfort with a helping of empathy as he reminded himself that for someone as private as Neji, this had to be far worse.

"Er—alright," he replied, trying for casual. Making this into a big apologetic deal would only make things even more awkward. Hopefully keeping it low-key it would let Neji be at least a tiny bit more comfortable.

"They, uh, they left some stuff on the table there, to help with... it." They’d also given him a precise rundown of what to do with someone having a seizure. He dearly hoped he wouldn’t have to go through that again, though. Neji going into convulsions had been disturbing enough the times it had already happened.

Naruto moved to a corner, ready to sit down low where he’d be out of Neji’s immediate eyeline, and where he could keep watch discreetly out of the corner of his eye. As he sat, he heard Neji take a breath as though he was about to speak, but he said nothing. He hadn’t moved since he’d pushed himself to his knees. Naruto heard him start to speak again, and again there was nothing. Worry grew, and he began to sense something more than the obvious was wrong here.

"Neji?" he asked awkwardly, unsure what to say, "do you need anything?" he wanted to kick himself for the stupidity of that inquiry, but couldn’t think of anything useful to ask. He rose to a crouch, ready to stand.

Neji took another breath. "I—" he cut himself off, and Naruto, gaze now full on Neji’s tense form, watched him shake slightly as he struggled with his words. "I... can’t."

"Oh..." Naruto replied, uncertainly. "I’ll get the nurse then—" he began, rising to his feet.

"No!" The sharpness of that was unmistakable, but there was an audible desperation as well. "It's... I can’t..." Naruto saw Neji’s shoulders hunch, and his fists tightened around the cloth of the bed covers. "Can’t..." He tilted his head in the direction of the side table, the selection of lubricants and condoms.

Naruto had an unlikely thought, then, but he didn’t know what else Neji could be referring to right now. "You can’t jerk off?" Neji winced bodily at the blunt term, but nodded once, a curt duck of his head, and Naruto was glad Neji’s back was turned and he couldn’t see Naruto’s expression of complete disbelief.

The situation had never been merely (merely?) awkward and embarrassing at all. Rather, it was extremely fragile and deeply personal. Naruto shut his gaping mouth. This was orders of magnitude past embarrassment. He couldn't keep up casual now; maintaining that attitude would be an insult to Neji’s intelligence, not a mutually agreeable lie to save face.

Even so, don’t act shocked, Naruto ordered himself. Heightened reaction was still only going to make this worse. "Why not?" he asked, forcing his voice to be normal, free of surprise, but unable to keep the urgency out of it.

Neji turned slightly then, and Naruto could see the red flush in his usually-pale face, and his white eyes were wide with desperation and bright with humiliated arousal. "It’s a drain on chakra and a weakness of self-discipline," he said, the words strained but coming through as a recitation. "Any failure to resist the urge will be punished," he finished, resignation filtering into his voice, and he raised one hand to brush the band of fabric that concealed his curse seal.

Naruto stared, incredulous, unable to stop himself this time. The Hyuuga had punished abstinence onto Neji forcibly enough to inhibit him this badly? Aversion training with pain? Naruto was gaping again, this time in horror, then broke long seconds of silence with the useless, obvious statement, "If you don’t, you might get brain damage." The urgency came through wholeheartedly.

Neji stared fixedly at the blanket under his clenched hands. Naruto realized now why he hadn’t wanted the nurse. This secret was too personal to risk it getting into the town’s rumor mill, and anything related to sex inevitably would, confidentiality be damned. The very notion that the great Hyuuga rebel had no sex because he couldn’t would be too delicious to keep under wraps.

"You need to," Naruto said, clenching his fists in an ineffectual motion of aggression toward the situation.

"I know," Neji whispered savagely, and Naruto’s heart clenched in response.

Naruto was still standing away from the bed, and staring at it. A single hospital bed, covered with a reasonably nice comforter. He thought wildly that this was turning into a twisted version of a scene from one of those romance novels Kakashi-sensei liked. His own hormone-driven body was already quite aware of what could happen next, and Naruto, angry at himself, raised his hands and breathed a silent few syllables, tying a knot in the chakra at his groin node. That would keep his physical reaction at bay.

He stared silently at Neji another few moments. If Neji had asked him to stay, and then revealed the problem, then it must have been with some notion that Naruto would help him. Even if, as Naruto was suspecting, he couldn’t make himself ask outright. It was general knowledge that Naruto’s sexual preferences ran both ways.

It wasn’t general knowledge that he was rather in love with his teammate, the ice-king Neji, which made this whole mess very cruelly ironic. But that last was unimportant, he told himself ruthlessly, no quarter given to his own selfishness. This was about Neji, not Naruto, and making sure he didn’t suffer this violation of his privacy more than absolutely necessary. Naruto’s discomfort was really nothing in comparison.

After a second to steel himself, he moved around the bed until he could sit down on the bed next to Neji. No use in hesitation. "I’ll help, if you want." he said simply, watching Neji sideways. There was no way he could match the professional detachment a med-nin could keep up, but serious and calm he would manage if it killed him.

Neji actually glanced at him for a second with surprise, perhaps in reaction to his quick acquiescence. Naruto managed to meet the furtive look with a solemn, even glance, and was slightly reassured to see a little of the tension ebb from Neji’s stance.

"...Yes," came the low-voiced answer. Naruto ached for Neji to have been trapped this way, for having to reveal and confront something so private with no choice at all. But now that the telling was over, hopefully things were already a little easier.

Naruto was wearing the same loose kimono-pajama hospital getup that Neji was, since his armor and uniform had been filthy upon arrival. They were soft and loose, with a convenient drawstring for the pants. "Sit up," he directed gently. "Comfortably."

Stiffly, and somehow disturbingly meek, Neji shifted into a cross-legged sitting position, and Naruto grabbed one of the lube bottles and a towel from the table, then knelt behind him.

Neji was staring forward, back ramrod straight, a visible tremor running along his whole body, and Naruto took a second to rest his hands in Neji’s shoulder, squeezing in a light massage, and running down to touch a few points on his back. "Try to relax," he spoke just above a whisper, and employed the same voice he did when sharing a new technique he’d developed.

He settled at Neji’s back, just short of contact, so the other man was sitting between his knees, and put his arms around Neji’s torso, resting his hands on Neji’s thighs. "I know this needs doing. You know it," he said quietly. "But you say stop, and I will."

Neji shook his head, a tight, quick motion, perhaps even a little impatient, at Naruto’s solicitousness. He still trembled, and Naruto had to inhale and sigh surreptitiously, mentally settling his own nerves before he let his hands slide back to come into contact with Neji’s hips.

The tautness of the pants’ fabric told him what he already knew—that Neji was completely, uncontrollably aroused, erection steel-hard, and if that was at the heart of this mess, at least it would make things go faster. He gently stroked down Neji’s thighs again, then undid the kimono’s belt and let it fall open. He lay his hands flat on Neji’s stomach, feeling it twitch under his palms. Wincing, he fought off the reflex to squeeze Neji in a light hug. This wasn’t a date lay. This wasn’t some eager young virginal civilian he’d charmed and courted. This was Neji, who never made physical contact with other people outside combat or drills.

Neji’s hands were balled in fists, knuckles pressed into the mattress, and Naruto didn’t think he should dare to hope that Neji would take over, not this time, certainly, probably not at all. He slowly loosened the drawstring of the pants, and then eased his fingertips below the edge, feeling the damp heat gathered under the fabric. Instead of going straight down, he slid his hands back, sliding the waistband down, under Neji’s ass, making sure the kimono’s hem still fell between them, and pushed it forward until his groin was exposed.

The speed of Neji’s breathing was increasing, and Naruto murmured, "It’s okay." It wasn’t, but the words came out anyway.

He stroked the inside of one thigh, the skin there smooth, and slightly damp with sweat, and flinching at the touch. Naruto flinched inwardly himself. Don't touch more than you have to, dumbass! he snarled to himself.

He cupped his hand loosely over Neji’s cock and balls. He curled his fingers just enough to brush the soft skin of the sac, and then drew his hand just a little higher to close gently around the hard, hot length, slipping his hand down to the base, feeling the hairs tickle his fingers. Neji shuddered slightly in his arms then, a nearly inaudible fearful whine emerging from the back of his throat, quickly choked off. Naruto drew his free hand from Neji’s lap to fiddle with the lube bottle. He squeezed a decent amount on his palm, and closed his fist slightly to warm it.

As he waited, he slowly pumped his fist, feeling the straining, velvety length slide through his grip, and Neji’s thighs twitching slightly with each stroke. It was a mercy that the drug was mitigating any effects of the nervousness. Neji was completely responsive whether he wanted to be or not. Naruto was ashamedly relieved for the chakra chokehold on his own arousal.

When the lube had warmed, Naruto switched hands, smoothing the warm slippery gel around with a few smooth motions, and Neji quivered in his arms, gasping a little. Naruto paused, letting the sensations plateau a few moments. Then he began stroking, slowly, paying close attention to Neji’s smallest reactions, and making adjustments to pressure and speed. The slick friction made it easy to alter his grip just the right amount, and Naruto’s guilt multiplied as he found himself appreciative of his own "skill."

He did know what he was doing, he was, indeed, highly skilled at it. But no amount of expertise could simply negate years of conditioning.

Behind an firmly erected barrier in his mind beat the urges to touch Neji elsewhere, on his chest or belly, the urge to place a kiss on the curve of Neji’s neck that was so close to his cheek, the desire to bury his face in that curtain of smooth brown-black hair. But he had long ago gained discipline enough to stop himself from inappropriate actions, and what was pooling in his mind was so far beyond inappropriate he couldn’t even think of a word for it. This wasn’t anything even approaching the territory of consensual lovemaking, any intimation of that would be an abuse of the trust Neji had placed in him to help. Already it was bad enough Neji had had no choice but to expose himself. Naruto absolutely held the importance of keeping his friend and teammate emotionally whole, and he hoped that after this was over, their relationship could be somehow be salvaged from this deep incursion into Neji’s private space.

As Naruto slid his fist along Neji’s length, keeping it rhythmic, simple, Neji gradually bled enough tension that he sagged backward, supported against Naruto’s chest, and Naruto saw Neji’s hands gripping spasmodically at the bed cover, inching closer to his legs. A step in the right direction, he thought, and then he felt Neji’s hips actually move in a short jerk, and his back stiffen. He sped up his strokes, reaching for the towel, and then Neji thrust his hips with a strangled whimper and his cock pulsed in Naruto’s hand. Catching the warm streaks of semen with the towel, Naruto stroked a last few times through the long seconds of Neji’s climax, then pulled his hand back before he could let help turn into some kind of molestation.

Neji shuddered out a sigh. Naruto could feel him gradually tensing again, but he continued to lean back against Naruto while he folded over the towel and lightly patted dry the excess lubricant.

He wanted more than anything to wrap his arms around Neji now, but he settled for resting one hand on Neji’s upper arm and squeezing lightly. He could feel Neji’s breathing gradually slow, and soon he leaned forward, leaving only the cool air against the front of Naruto’s kimono.

Naruto lifted his hand away, and scooted back and over to swing his legs down over the side of the bed, throwing the used towel into a basket on the floor. He could hear the rustle of cloth as Neji pulled his pants back up.

"Thank you," Neji said quietly. The tone was cold, but didn’t conceal the tremble of shame, even though Naruto could tell Neji was trying to keep his voice even.

"You’re welcome," Naruto replied. The words were rote, and felt stupid. He rose from the bed and moved off towards the wall, giving Neji what space he could. The drug’s cycle meant that Neji would be hit with drowsiness next.

Naruto slid back down to sit in his corner, watching Neji from the corner of his eye. He was supposed to watch over him; staring was out of the question. At length, Neji raised one hand to smooth shakily over his hair, dropping it back to his lap before shifting to lie down on his side, turning his back to Naruto.

Monitoring Neji’s breathing rate, Naruto could tell when he fell asleep, and realized he’d been sitting stiff with tension only when it eased along with Neji’s slowing breaths. That didn’t drain his apprehension, however; they were going to have to do this again. And then again, and again… well into the night, he estimated, looking at the clock’s reading of mid-evening. Fuck.

Now that Neji had the temporary refuge of sleep, Naruto felt his own selfish heartache fight its way forward. He sensed they would both be drained at the end of this. He had no idea how to handle the way this seemed to be crumbling Neji’s pride. Maybe they would simply never speak of this again, and Neji would continue as he always had. Or perhaps Neji would be unable to tolerate being near him anymore. Teamwork required a synch that this could blow apart. And the consequences for their friendship and working relationship aside, it was Neji’s state he most was concerned with.

He can’t fucking jerk off, Naruto spat mentally. Masturbation wasn’t the be-all and end-all of existence by any means, Naruto knew that, but Neji’s situation remained something that Naruto could not find acceptable. To live a celibate life was one thing, to be forced into that much austerity was something else.

Something had gone wrong in the enforcement of that rule, Naruto thought disgustedly, as soon as it had been conceived. And then it had overshot the level of self-regulated control and solidified as iron-clad inhibiting mental block.

But it wasn’t his choice to try and change this. Did Neji even want it changed? Did it really extend to actual sex? Naruto wasn’t completely sure if it would—and he was almost certain Neji didn’t know himself. But Neji had anticipated the likely outcome of exposing the information to unreliable ears, and in that event his thoughts must have followed the same lines Naruto’s had.

Unbidden, scenarios spun out in Naruto’s mind, inspired by those liaisons he’d had that had turned out to be first times for his partners. Teaching Neji about pleasure—Naruto swore under his breath and ground the heel of his hand into the bridge of his nose, slamming a recitation of the different properties and uses of the paralytic poisons into place. Fantasy had no place right now.

*

Neji woke slowly, and for a few moments reveled in the sensation of the bedclothes against his skin, wanting nothing more than to roll onto his stomach and rub himself against the pressure of the mattress—then the line of thought terminated, severed with a blade of fear and the phantom of agony behind his eyes.

His breath hitched with the abrupt transition and he clenched his hand around a fistful of bedding. Fury and shame flooded into him and pricked his eyes with frustrated tears as he fought vainly against the heavy arousal that pressed outward from his center. Every inch of his skin craved touch, and the memory of Naruto’s arms enclosing him slotted in place perfectly, until, again, that direction of thought was sliced off.

Contempt at himself washed through him. He knew perfectly well that his... situation was abnormal. But he had been so easily able to avoid confronting it, and he hadn’t dared approach a med-nin about help. Even his eventual knowledge and understanding about the act and its purpose, both naturally beneficial and pleasurable, were nothing in the face of his long-learned avoidance of it. And now this aspect of biology he’d let himself to ignore as insignificant was exposing his weak justifications for what they were.

The humiliation of it was almost physically painful. Even though he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Naruto would never mock him. Knew with complete certainty that his trust in Naruto was warranted and would not be violated.

But being reduced to immobile, whining fear because of a flaw in his training was an agonizing failure of his own discipline and courage. His rational mind’s gratitude at Naruto for understanding what Neji needed and going forward without drama or preamble was overshadowed by an envious, humiliated fury that Naruto could so easily handle the problem, that this person he loved and respected was seeing him in this pathetic state.

If this was a torture drug, it was effective.

Clenching his jaw, he slowly sat up, shifting to the same spot on the bed as before. Every twitch of movement shifting the pressure on his erection, triggering cascades of self-correcting mental reprimands sharp enough to thicken a knot of fear in his throat.

When he was still again, he heard Naruto rise from his corner. As before, his envy was washed away momentarily by relieved gratitude towards his friend, the reassurance of Naruto’s understanding letting Neji take a few easier breaths, easing the choking feeling.

"Ready?" Naruto asked when he reached the edge of the bed. His voice was even, just short of solemn, and Neji, unwilling to speak, simply nodded. The apprehension from before was less, now that he knew what to expect, but the shame was still as sharp as Naruto settled behind him, touching him so very carefully, doing for him such a simple task, such a personal one, one Neji should by all rights be functional enough to perform on his own.

Not for many years had Neji’s frustration been enough to induce tears, but his eyes burned now.

As before, Naruto gently slid his soft pants down, pushing them to mid-thigh, letting the comparatively cool air suddenly bathe his hot genitals. This was the worst part, and he felt his heart rate rise and his respiration speed up as his conditioned body anticipated the consequences of touching. No matter the setting, his age, or his own immobile hands, his mind would not suffer this breaking of the rules calmly.

Naruto’s wide, strong hand cupped him, sending sparks of sensation through him. Forbidden! shrieked his subconscious, in a violent mental flinch, making him twitch and whine in Naruto’s hold, expecting pain that would never manifest. Couldn’t. Not for years. There was no longer an uncle monitoring his chakra for tell-tale changes, no burning-wire net ready to ignite behind his eyes, only Naruto’s solid arms circling him, Naruto’s chest not an inch from his back, warming him by proximity, and Naruto’s sure, slow strokes promising relief to the thick, drug-induced arousal that filled him to bursting.

Even Neji’s own brain couldn’t sustain the sickening heights of fear through the drug-stoked ripples of pleasure that spread.

The apprehension ebbed to make way once again for the stabbing mortification that each stroke of Naruto’s fist reiterated, but when Naruto switched hands, smoothly coating him with lube, the slick friction whited out even that for a time, drawing him up and up until he bucked, overwhelmed, into Naruto’s fist, and burst.

It was supposed to be good. He knew this. Pleasurable. In abstract, he understood the theory. But like this... it was like any other terrible pressure being relieved, like emptying the roiling gut of an upset stomach.

But at the edges of the urgency and burning, consuming hypersensitivity, there were licks of something that in another context, he supposed, could feel good. It was similar to how Naruto’s presence, beneath the deep humiliation of this exposure, was stable and reassuring.

But the quality of the experience was irrelevant, after all, he thought, as he floated in the too-brief period of relief, slumped back against Naruto’s solid support, it simply needed to happen, or he would suffer much worse in the long run.

Like too much alcohol, it was the aftermath that hurt. The release achieved was only a reprieve after all. After a few seconds, a heavy place deep inside him was already spreading slow, silty roots of arousal. While that remained tolerable for now, it was the full awareness of place and circumstance that leached away the fleeting relief. There were a few unthinking moments of comfort, leaning back against Naruto’s chest before self-consciousness overwhelmed him and he leaned himself forward and away. A futile wish to shut himself away at home flashed and died in him.

Naruto moved back, giving him his space. Neji knew him well enough to be aware of the frustration his teammate was experiencing with his inability to make things better. "Thank you," he said, fresh shame washing over him that he couldn’t spare Naruto this ordeal.

*

They repeated the established routine four more times, and as Naruto waited for another awakening, he sat in the corner with his head propped on one hand. Each time after the first had been a little less nerve-wracking for them both, as Neji came to expect his own reactions, unpleasant as they must be. The last one had still been bad, though, Neji’s embarrassment rising sharply again as he became desperate for his body to work through the drug, and he’d remained clenched and tense the entire time.

Neji had been lying awake a few minutes now, but hadn’t moved to sit up, and Naruto cast an eye on the silent, unobtrusive wall clock and frowned slightly. Even given the lengthening period between each buildup, it was well past time now.

At last, Neji rose, but it was to slide off the bed and carefully walk towards the small adjoining bathroom on the opposite wall from Naruto’s spot. Naruto slid back to the ground from the half-crouch he’d risen into when Neji moved, and kept an ear open, still wary of the soporific effects of the drug. There were only the normal sounds, and after the splashing of water in the sink faded, Neji emerged, putting out a hand to steady himself against the doorframe. He stood there, appearing drawn and exhausted, and looked at Naruto

"The effects are steady now," he said in a monotone. Naruto nodded. They were done, at last, with the drug’s relentless cycle. The accumulation was now slow enough to be handled by Neji’s own system.

"Great," he breathed, and stood, but didn’t move. There was very little risk of seizure any longer, but Naruto would not be leaving Neji alone until the threat had completely passed.

Neji inclined his head once. He made his way back to the bed, sliding back between the covers, though he didn’t lie down immediately. Naruto’s gaze skated around the room, came to rest on the tabletop still decked with bottles and towels and things. It didn’t take long to gather that up and dump it quietly into a drawer and out of sight.

Neji watched him, then his expression flickered and his gaze slid down the line of Naruto’s body. His eyes narrowed slightly as he saw the knot Naruto had secured in his chakra. "You tied it off." Neji murmured, dully surprised and visibly discomfited. Mortified, Naruto felt a flush spread across his cheeks, along with a wash of fresh guilt that he’d needed to control himself that way at all, and he silently bereted himself for not untying that earlier. But there wasn’t anything to do but nod.

"Yeah." He raised his hands below his chin for the release, and shrugged uncomfortably. "I... sorry. It’s... fuckin’ inappropriate," he muttered, not sure if he meant the implication that Neji could cause a reaction in him, or the fact he needed to tie off chakra to suppress it. Both, really, at this point. He looked off to the side and scrubbed one hand through his hair, still feeling warmth in his cheeks. Then it was Neji’s turn to shrug and shake his head wearily.

"It’s enough that you care about that." Neji lay back, and turned on his side, away from Naruto, but not before Naruto caught the dark look on his face, envy and anger and shame, all smoldering under resignation. "It was just... biology," he sighed, something edging his tone that Naruto couldn’t quite make out. Bitterness? "I am sorry."

Naruto was aghast at that, and he jerked himself up short from reaching out to physically yank Neji onto his back so he could address him face to face. "Don’t apologize for this," he sputtered. It had been an ordeal of exposure and endurance for Neji, not exactly something he’d set up just to inconvenience Naruto. "You sure as hell didn’t take the shit yourself. It wasn’t just biology, and it ain’t your fault I need to put a choke-chain on my libido."

Naruto stepped a few paces back, grabbing and repositioning a chair that was against the wall. He thumped down on it and watched Neji’s shoulders where they showed, tense, above the covers.

"What do you mean," Neji asked, tiredly surprised, voice almost low enough to be a whisper, "it wasn’t just biology?"

"Uh..." Naruto felt his stomach lurch as he realized he’d been less than discreet with that outburst.

*

Neji rolled to his back, meeting Naruto’s starkly chagrined look with sudden, fearful astonishment. The implications fell into place instantly, but Neji’s credulity shied from the very idea that Naruto could really be attracted to him... romantically, his self-perception too battered after the past hours to even conceive of such a thing. His throat tightened and his vision suddenly swam and everything was falling to pieces now, no stamina left for even the remotest self control. He was shocked. The balance of the... encounters… was awry, if Naruto had been repressing more than just physical responses.

Neji could feel his pulse pounding. He was terrified, not of Naruto himself but of the yawning, empty chasm in his experience and of the idea of trying to cross it. He was ashamed to the core of his being of his own pitiful inexperience. Every emotion was so overwrought in his exhaustion, and he turned once again onto his side, shoving his palms against his eyes, feeling the heat in his cheeks, and the slippery wetness of tears squeezing out from under his eyelids.

His breaths were fast and harsh, loud in the room, and he heard Naruto stand up. "Neji," he breathed, voice leaden with guilt. Neji didn’t reply—couldn’t reply, couldn’t turn over and face him, not now. He was simply a mass of raw, drug-aroused nerves and muddled, roiling fear. He didn’t know what to do, how to get back to normal from where this day had ended, or even if he ever could.

After long minutes, Neji breathed deep, finding calm, or a distant cousin of it. Naruto had said nothing more, hadn’t moved. Poised, Neji realized, in case he triggered a seizure. That reminder of the drug’s presence helped taper off the panic, out of self-preservation.

"Neji..." Naruto sounded chagrined, and deeply apologetic, "I didn’t want—"

Neji interrupted, forcing words past his clenched throat, "I know."

"I’d never—"

"I know," Neji managed again. Regardless of what he felt, his bewilderment and confusion, that was all from within. Naruto, kind, well-meaning, earnest Naruto, was the only stable thing in the room.

His energy was completely spent after the intensity of his initial reaction, and he felt himself sliding into sleep.

*

Neji’s exhaustion had won out over his ragged breathing, smoothing it to a more regular rhythm, but this time Naruto remained a knot of tension. A fresh wash of burning guilt flowing over him as he looked at Neji’s huddled form, and he cursed his own direly stupid mouth. If he’d only been able to hold his fucking tongue for once in his life...

Even more than earlier, he was afraid for their relationship. Naruto feared that after this Neji once again would be the cooler, distant person he’d been when they’d first been test-partnered. Or perhaps not even that, if Neji perceived Naruto as threatening. Naruto was accustomed to seeing fear in the eyes of his enemies when he overwhelmed them. Having that effect on someone he loved turned his stomach.

Naruto slumped back into the chair, the turmoil of the night settling to numbness as he waited out the limbo in which their relationship hovered. For now, he could at least fulfill the last part of the watch. It was just after one o’clock in the morning. By four-thirty even the longest estimate of the drug’s effect would have passed, and he allowed himself the smallest hope that things would be better in the morning.

*

Neji woke, and his first sensation was that of relief. The disgusting, unquenchable arousal had now fully faded, and though a mild headache throbbed between his temples and a lack of energy made his limbs heavy, he felt reasonably certain he was himself again. For the most part. He carefully sat up, wincing as the sunlight slipping around the edges of the blinds stabbed at his eyes, and steadied himself into a loosely cross-legged position.

From upright he could see Naruto, sprawled over a narrow visitor’s cot against the wall by the door, also beginning to rouse. That cot hadn’t been there last night. Naruto must have had it brought in so he could sleep after the time for seizure watch had passed.

At that thought, Neji tensed in anticipation, but the crushing shame and desperate panic of yesterday failed to manifest. There was a pale shadow of it, a more natural level of embarrassment, that Neji could feel warming his face slightly, and a little tremor of nervousness, but nothing too terrible. The drug appeared to have been amplifying his reactions. That, and... Neji thought that what had eased most of his shame was the simple fact that, after the telling of it, his secret, his... problem… had diminished somewhat from the all-shadowing monolith it had seemed to be. It remained significant, but the very fact that someone now knew made it less imposing, less shameful.

He could look sanely at a few more things now that he had come through the other side of the whole ordeal. Including the revelation of Naruto’s interest in him. He had vaguely picked up on Naruto’s internal turmoil after every masturbation session, his teammate slinking back into the corner each time, but his own misery had preoccupied him enough to keep him from examining Naruto’s.

All the advances people had made towards him in the past came to mind, from the shy to the crude to the casual. His response to each had been a stab of pure horror, before a stiff, polite rejection, and so he could understand why Naruto would never have said anything, presumably preferring to keep their friendship undamaged by any such awkwardness.

Now, Naruto was fully awake, and watching him warily, carefully, as though Neji could break at any wrong word. As their eyes met, Neji knew the nervousness he still felt was a symptom that he couldn’t be rid of. Naruto cared for him, it seemed, in a more-than-platonic way. Neji’s feelings for Naruto ran deep as well, though he’d denied himself any inkling of sexual thought. And now he was faced with allowing them, accepting them… there lay the fear. Never of Naruto. Fear of the unknown.

"Mornin’," Naruto said tentatively.

"Good morning," Neji returned, and Naruto looked relieved. "Thank you for staying."

At that Naruto shifted self-consciously and said, "Wasn’t sure that’s what you’d be saying."

Neji didn’t let his gaze waver from Naruto’s, seeking evidence of Naruto’s feelings, now that he knew it was there to look for. There wasn’t any shyness or cocky confidence right now, but there was… caring, as there had been for many years, and hope, below the worry that still lingered there. "I trust you," Neji said, "My personal problem had no effect on that."

Naruto nodded slowly, reassured. Neji pulled back the covers and rose to head to the bathroom, grimacing as his inner ear protested the motion and spiked the pain in his head.

"Headache?" Naruto was at his side in a few quick steps. Neji nodded slightly, and Naruto’s hands quickly formed the seals Neji’s had still been rising to complete. Naruto reached up, resting his fingertips on points on Neji’s face and temples, chakra gathered in them gently coaxing the muscles there to loosen, numbing them an imperceptible amount to let them stay relaxed. The pain ebbed.

"Thank you," Neji said. Naruto removed his hands, somewhat reluctantly, it seemed to Neji. He wondered whether such signs were more apparent because he was aware of Naruto’s feelings, or because Naruto was concealing them less. Perhaps the latter, because Naruto didn’t step away immediately, studying Neji for a few seconds, tanned face upturned and open, before moving back somewhat sheepishly.

"Sorry," he said, and Neji, quite apart from the turmoil that followed any deeper level of attraction, felt warmed and flattered at Naruto’s simple desire to look at him. He looked as well, Naruto’s sheepishness fading as he felt the weight of Neji’s gaze.

Naruto’s wild blond hair was even more unkempt than usual since he had just woken up, but his eyes were clear, the deep sky-blue shade as arresting as ever. The distinctive marks on his face, thin as scars or tattoo-lines, but in fact neither, recalled the beast that Naruto carried in his belly, but nearly as an afterthought, after so many years. Naruto had always been his own person, but now Neji, and everyone in the village, knew it too.

A grin spread across the wide, expressive face, and Neji let himself smile back before he continued the last few steps to the bathroom.

As he showered, washing away the sweat that yesterday’s stress had brought out, he looked down at himself, ran his hands down his own sides. He was tall, lean, muscles distinct without being over-developed. Scarred here and there, as any ninja was. It was his body, and he allowed himself the conceit that it was a rather fine specimen. It still unsettled him to consider creeping past the aversion his mind had had burned into it, but at the same time, for the first time in many years, he was angered to think that his body was not entirely his own.

He had already rinsed the few traces of lube that remained on him, mechanical as always, thoughts divorced from touch, until he was done. He reached down again, frustration rising further when his hands shuddered to a stop. The mere attempt at touching himself with intent had sent a spike of fear down his spine and sped up his heartbeat and breathing, dread blooming quickly enough for him to stop the motion as though he’d been about to place his hands into a fire.

There was a tap on the door. "Neji?" Naruto’s voice was concerned. He was still monitoring Neji’s vitals. Neji sighed and leaned back into the spray, willing his pounding heart to slow again.

"I’m... fine," he sighed, a breath of fondness at Naruto’s overprotectiveness comforting him. "You don’t need to continue the watch."

"Oh, uh, yes. Alright." Naruto replied, moving back from the door.

Clenching his fists and letting them fall back at his sides, Neji breathed slowly until the reaction had completely passed.

A few minutes later, as he dried off, Tsunade’s voice carried to his ears from the doorway. He didn’t bother pulling his shirt on, bracing himself for the physical examination he was about to undergo.

*

Over the next week, Neji found himself preoccupied with the events of his recovery and of what he’d discovered about Naruto, despite his usual habit of steering clear of any kind of sex-related thoughts. Neji found himself dwelling on memories that, now that the effects of the drug were long-gone, he could dare to bring up without too terrible of a reaction. The memory of Naruto’s arms around him. The sensation of leaning back against a warm, firm, soft-clad chest, the weight of Naruto’s hands on his thighs.

Each sensory recall he also treasured as an isolated gem. If ever he tried to string them together, he could never bring himself to continue. He couldn’t force the issue against himself. Like water drops falling onto a stone, though, his repeated recollections seemed to wear away at the phobic reaction. Each time he could handle it a little longer before he the fear became unbearable. Each time he was more hopeful that he might dare to welcome Naruto’s feelings.

It was eight days after the ordeal that Neji finally spoke of it to Naruto again, eight days during which Naruto made not a single intimation of anything relating to the incident, only general, laudably discreet questions of health. In fact, after a single openly affectionate smile of greeting during their meeting on the first day afterwards, Naruto had acted as though nothing had occurred whatsoever, offering, Neji had quickly realized, the chance for him to simply forget the whole thing.

"May I speak to you?" Neji murmured quietly to Naruto as they left a mission planning session at the Head Office. It was late evening, the early-autumn sky darkening already, mellowing colors and cooling the air.

Naruto’s self-control really had improved, Neji had reflected, wondering if the unrequited feelings felt anything like his inability to explore his own desires.

"Yeah?" Naruto replied, curious. They stood just outside the front doors of the Head Office. "Here?"

Neji glanced upward, eyeing the apex of the roof across the street, and Naruto nodded.

Once there, Naruto squatted in an easy slouch, arms hanging out over his knees. He looked up at Neji, expression open, waiting, patient.

Neji crouched down as well, balanced on his toes, and for a few seconds surveyed the street below. He took a breath. "I need to thank you for helping me," he began, with some difficulty. Naruto looked sideways at him, flushing, and shrugged as if to dismiss the comment, and Neji realized his own discomfort was unnerving Naruto as well. Maybe he thought Neji was thanking him out of polite obligation.

There was silence again for a short while Neji readied himself, then he spoke again. It was so incredibly, irrationally difficult to simply open his mouth and say what he wanted, but Naruto’s presence made it easier. "Naruto..." he said softly. "I have never felt sure enough to risk trying to return feelings," he rubbed his fingertips against the cloth that bound his forehead protector on. "I wasn’t able to tell anyone... simple embarrassment defeated me."

"Neji," Naruto vehemently interrupted, "That’s the stuff people fucking die of embarrassment over," He was frowning angrily now, most likely at the venerable Hyuuga institution.

It never failed to touch Neji, how Naruto could assume so much indignation on behalf of others. Perhaps by now Neji had earned it, but whenever Naruto railed against the Hyuuga family, it always recalled that first time, back during that long-age chuunin exam, when Naruto had simply declared his intention to help someone who’d done nothing to deserve it.

"Hyperbole aside..." Neji went on, nervousness rising, and he could feel the dampness on his own palms, and Naruto turned to face him properly, brow still knit in a frown, "I want..." he trailed off. Just as his ridiculous inability to touch himself, he was suddenly stilled.

"What?" Naruto prompted gently.

"Your feelings," Neji said at last, and Naruto’s eyes widened, flaring with excitement that he quickly dampened with caution, "And I want..." to be able to return them. Neji fell silent again, clenching his teeth at his lack of mental fortitude.

"Help?" Naruto completed quietly, though seemingly aware that was not what Neji had intended to say, but nonetheless it was true. "A team of two is pretty good when one operative isn’t enough," he said mildly, reaching his right arm across his chest to rub through his uniform shirt at the Anbu tattoo on the opposite shoulder.

"The reactions of one member are faulty," Neji muttered, but Naruto shook his head.

"He’s holding ground but can’t go forward without reinforcement." Naruto said, and raised an eyebrow. Neji nodded slowly, accepting Naruto’s metaphor, and his restrained reaction.

Naruto laid a hand on his arm, staring at him carefully, but frankly. "It’s just desensitization," he said, "but you can’t go far enough yourself."

"Yes."

Naruto’s hand tightened gently. "Give it time," he said, then removed his hand, and his demeanor turned easy again, the familiar grin widening anticipatorily, "for now... dinner?"

"Certainly," Neji replied, feeling tension ease inside him, as well as the agreement of his own empty stomach. Naruto rose to his feet, stuck his hands in his flak jacket pockets, and leaned back in a casual stretch.

"We’ll just start at the beginning."

*

Naruto accompanied Neji to his door afterwards. They’d been walking around the town for a few hours after their dinner, talking, much as they did normally when spending free time together, but this part was new. When they reached the landing at the top of the stairs outside Neji’s front door, things were different. An air of slight tension was between them again, an awareness of the difference. Not that it gave Naruto much pause when he reached out for Neji’s hand.

It was curious and frustrating to know in abstract about something and yet feel so utterly helpless when it came to the practice. Even if Naruto’s affections remained after discovering Neji’s problem, it was maddening to be trapped this way. How much patience could Naruto have if Neji couldn’t do such a simple thing as reach for him?

Naruto’s fingers curled around the outer edge of his right hand, brushing his palm lightly before tightening gently and raising it up to hold in both hands. Neji was transfixed, feeling Naruto’s fingers shift their grip, sliding to the back of his hand, Naruto's thumbs rubbing his palm in slow motions as he brought Neji’s knuckles to his lips, watching him with eyes darkened to deep navy in the night’s darkness and shining with golden reflections from the door lamp on the wall overhead. Warm breath ghosted over the backs of Neji’s fingers and sent surprising chills down the length of his spine.

Warm lips pressed gently against his middle knuckles for a few seconds, and then Naruto lowered their hands, letting Neji’s go with evident reluctance. He smiled at Neji’s overwhelmed stillness, exuding the uncomplicated pleasure that Neji enjoyed about him.

"See you tomorrow," Naruto said, taking two steps towards the stairway down to the street.

"Yes," Neji said, surprised by the vehemence he felt with his agreement, and realized he was cradling the hand Naruto had kissed with the other. Anticipation sparked in Naruto’s eyes, and then he turned and sauntered down the stairs.

Still swimming in the memory of Naruto’s hands on his, he opened his door and went inside on automatic pilot. He caught himself studying the place Naruto had kissed. There was nothing to see of course, but the sensation was no hardship to summon up again. Naruto was... dating him, he now realized.

It was funny. The very idea of it. Had Neji still been attached to the Hyuuga dynasty, even as branch house, his marriage would have been arranged, his... personal problem notwithstanding. No longer a part of them, he’d been locked by his own mind into remaining unattached. Something so little when compared to the greatest reason for his rage against the main house, but virtually impassable.

And while he had utmost faith that Naruto would someday hold enough influence and power to change Hyuuga as he’d rashly promised when they were children, he’d never, ever considered that tireless personality would be pitted against the barriers repressing his desire.

Sometimes Neji thought Naruto’s true genius was his ability to grant people hope.