Excoriate

WARNINGS: Please DO NOT read this if the Kakashi/Sasuke pairing bothers you - it will possibly make you dislike them even more.

DO NOT read this if shota bothers you. Because it is. This is set pre-time-skip, and there will be sexual situations. It isn't porn for the sake of porn, but it will possibly be NC-17.

~*~*~

Chapter 1


The first time Sasuke snuck through his window, Kakashi was surprised. And pleased. He had barely sensed Sasuke before he was there, had only noticed him once he was on the ledge and fiddling with the window latch. In the darkness, Kakashi silently slid out of bed and pulled a shirt on, and he waited until Sasuke's feet hit the floor with a barely audible tap before he flipped on the lightswitch.

To Sasuke's credit, he didn't startle. Sasuke only blinked.

"What are you doing, Sasuke?" Kakashi asked, genuinely curious. When Sasuke didn't answer, Kakashi scratched his masked cheek and watched the way Sasuke's eyes tracked the movement. Kakashi grinned under his mask. Oh, that.

"Ah, you'll have to try harder. You're not good enough at masking your chakra yet; I felt you as soon as you got in the tree," Kakashi said, fairly certain that Sasuke had used the conveniently located oak right outside the window.

Sasuke frowned slightly and turned to go. "Good night, Kakashi."

"Night, Sasuke-kun," Kakashi said, still grinning. He didn't miss the way Sasuke twitched a little at the familiar honorific. It only made him smile harder.

He thought he might have to start sleeping in his mask every night, again.

~*~*~

Over the next few days, it became a game for Kakashi. He let Sasuke get closer and closer before he 'woke up,' sometimes going so far as to let Sasuke get right next to the bed and reach a hand out toward Kakashi's face before he snapped his eyes open and grinned. "Try harder next time," he said, and he wondered if it was a game for Sasuke, too. He wondered why Sasuke kept trying so hard. He wondered if Sasuke was aware that Kakashi was deceiving him, or if he thought that he really was getting that good.

About a week after the first time, that question was answered.

Kakashi kept his eyes closed and feigned sleep as Sasuke crept toward his bed, and he waited until he could feel the warmth from Sasuke's hand next to his cheek before he snatched up Sasuke's wrist to stop him.

"Why don't you stop me when you wake up?" Sasuke asked, his eyes glittering oddly in the darkness.

Ah, so Sasuke was aware. "I stop you when a normal person would wake up. I'm not a normal person." Kakashi let his eye arc up in a smile.

Sasuke snorted. "You've got that right," he muttered, and he began to pull back.

Kakashi let his fingers slip away from Sasuke's wrist. "You are getting better, though," he admitted. As amusing as the game was, it was important that Sasuke know his limits, and where he could improve them. "I didn't feel your chakra until you had the window open, this time."

Moonlight silvered Sasuke's cheek where it curved outward in a smug smile.

"Good night, Kakashi," he said, and he was gone.

~*~*~

Their first real mission changed a lot of things. Lying on the floor of a house in Wave Country, weak as a kitten, nearly paralyzed from chakra expenditure, Kakashi wasn't surprised when Sasuke slipped into his room in the middle of the night. He was already awake, had been going over their encounter with Zabuza, trying to decipher what struck a note of worry in him.

Sasuke paced to Kakashi's side and knelt at his shoulder.

Kakashi didn't speak. If Sasuke wanted to win the game this way, so be it.

Kakashi let his eye drift closed as Sasuke reached for his face. He felt a feather-light touch on his exposed cheekbone, and he sighed as that fingertip slid down to the edge of his mask. He couldn't say he wouldn't be disappointed if Sasuke took this, the easy way out... but then again, he would expect a shinobi to use whatever chances were available.

But Sasuke didn't push his mask down. Sasuke traced the edge of his mask from his right ear, his finger disturbing the hair there, a slightly ticklish sensation, to the bridge of his nose. Then that fingertip ran along the edge of Kakashi's hitai-ate.

Kakashi opened his eye. Sasuke was watching him intently, his face serious, his eyes two large, black pits in the gloom. Kakashi watched impassively as Sasuke frowned and bit his lip, then seemed to come to a decision.

Kakashi's neck muscles were lax and good for nothing at the moment, and his head lolled to the side as Sasuke maneuvered his hitae-ate up, and then completely off. Kakashi kept his left eye closed, and his right eye trained on his student. Now, Sasuke's fingertip traced the scar from its beginning, on Kakashi's forehead, to the point where it disappeared under the mask. His touch was gentle, so, so light, and Kakashi shivered when he traced it again, lingering over his eyelid, and the eye hidden underneath.

Sasuke took a shaky breath, then whispered, "How did you get this?"

Kakashi didn't answer, not for several minutes. He lay there and let Sasuke touch his face, let Sasuke trace his scar and the edge of his mask, let Sasuke stare at him. Sasuke grew bolder, trailing his fingertips over Kakashi's nose, over the shape of his jaw, brushing against his lips briefly before he drew them back to Kakashi's eye. Kakashi didn't know if this was because of the intimacy implied, or because Sasuke was just so fascinated with the hidden sharingan eye. He didn't know if it mattered either way.

"It was a gift," Kakashi finally answered.

Sasuke stopped and drew his hand back into his lap. "Show it to me," he whispered.

Kakashi didn't see why not. A reward, perhaps, for not ending their game in this cheap way. He cracked his eye open.

Sasuke swallowed audibly and reached for his face again, outlining Kakashi's borrowed eye. Kakashi shivered when Sasuke brushed through his eyelashes, but he didn't tell him to stop. Kakashi felt intensely scrutinized; he was very aware of his body, of the rhythm of his breathing, of the blood pumping through his veins. The lazy swirl of the sharingan. The weakness of his muscles.

The low-key shudder that ran through Sasuke's body surprised him, and brought this predicament even more in focus. What was he doing, letting Sasuke just touch him like this? Just as in the situation with Zabuza, there was something here that sent a thread of unease up his spine, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it.

He couldn't raise his hand to stop Sasuke, so he put the command in his voice instead. "That's enough, Sasuke."

Sasuke let his touch linger for a second or two, long enough that Kakashi thought he might have to say it again. But then he withdrew his hand, and carefully fitted Kakashi's hitae-ate over his forehead again.

"Good night, Kakashi," Sasuke whispered as he stood.

"Night," Kakashi answered. Once Sasuke was gone, he allowed himself a long, shaky sigh.

~*~*~

Gradually, these late-night visits added a level of familiarity to his dealings with Sasuke that Kakashi knew he should have expected. It was only a minute or two at a time, and not every night, but he had become used to Sasuke slipping into his room. Had become so used to it, in fact, that it was sometimes a struggle to keep his guard up. Now, if Sasuke appeared at four in the morning, when Kakashi was deeply asleep, he was likely to make it to Kakashi's bedside before the man stirred.

It was as if they shared an inside joke. During training and missions, Kakashi didn't treat Sasuke any differently - that he knew of, anyway - but there was a comfort level there that Kakashi just didn't have with the other two. Odd, that repeated breaking and entering was the cause of it, but no matter the reason, it was there. Kakashi caught himself more than once sharing a dry look with Sasuke at Naruto's antics, or Sakura's hysterics.

Something changed. After the mission to Wave, Sasuke didn't show for a few nights, and Kakashi realized then that he missed that little routine, their secret ritual. Sasuke came inside, Kakashi told him to try harder, and they told each other good night. It was such a simple thing. But it felt like more than he had shared with anyone else, for years.

When Sasuke did appear at his window again, he was clumsy. Loud. As if he wanted Kakashi to know he was there. He unlatched the window and stepped through, and Kakashi sat up in his bed, watching curiously. Sasuke slouched closer, and then without saying anything took a seat on the edge of Kakashi's bed, facing away.

"If you're trying to catch me by surprise, you're doing a bad job of it," Kakashi said dryly into the silence, studying the tense line of Sasuke's back.

"He let me live," Sasuke said quietly.

Kakashi sobered. Ah, so that was what had been bothering Sasuke. Haku's kindness in the middle of a deadly battle, his consideration for human life that was the only reason Sasuke was still alive. And Kakashi also suspected that the fact that Naruto had been successful where Sasuke had failed did little to soften the blow.

"Yes, and he died protecting something that was precious to him," Kakashi said, shifting on the bed. Without thinking, he placed a hand on Sasuke's shoulder. This was a reassurance he would give to any of his students, but in the middle of the night, alone in his room, it felt too intimate. He wondered if he should take his hand away...and he wondered at the same time when he had begun analyzing things like this so closely.

He thought it might have been after he undressed Sasuke and slid the needles out of his body. After he carefully bandaged him, aware all the while of Sasuke's skin under his hands, the frailty and strength combined in his little body, the small bones, the growing muscles.

Sasuke shook his head. "That's...I couldn't beat him."

Kakashi opened his mouth to reply, that Haku had been monstrously strong, that Sasuke just hadn't had the experience yet to take him on.

However, Sasuke interrupted him. "Naruto had to save me."

"Ah." Kakashi squeezed Sasuke's shoulder, then let his hand fall away. "These things will happen," Kakashi said, but he knew it was weak. he couldn't imagine what he'd have been feeling, had something like this happened all those years ago between himself and Obito. His ego would have been very nearly crushed, he was certain. And perhaps that was what Sasuke needed...but not in the middle of the night, when he was hollow-eyed and shaken like this.

"All you can do is get stronger," Kakashi said. "And you're getting stronger every day."

"But it's not fast enough," Sasuke hissed, and he pushed himself off of Kakashi's bed and walked to the window.

Kakashi scratched his head and winced. All the reassurances he could offer Sasuke were weak, things that Sasuke would blow off without giving them a second thought. Kakashi rose and padded to his side, and he looked out at the darkened rows of houses with him.

After a few breaths, Sasuke turned to face him, his pale face tight and anxious. He stared hard at Kakashi - at Kakashi's closed left eye - then demanded, "Let me see it."

Kakashi's right eye widened a fraction of an inch, but he gave in, a part of him welcoming this change in direction for their conversation.

Sasuke reached out and traced the scar, much like he had the first time. From forehead and down, barely even lifting his finger enough to avoid touching the eyeball when he passed over the open eye. He kept going, down over Kakashi's masked cheek, and then gripped Kakashi's chin and physically turned the man's head toward the window so that his face was better illuminated.

Kakashi had to bend down, and he frowned when Sasuke tried to pull him down closer.

"Now now, Sasuke, let's not be pushy," he murmured lightly, hoping Sasuke would sense the seriousness behind it and remove his hand, and Kakashi wouldn't have to do it for him.

Sasuke twisted his mouth and eased his grip, and he opened his mouth as if to speak, and then closed it just as quickly. He let go of Kakashi's chin, but took hold of Kakashi's elbow with the other hand, in a grip that said please instead of now. He traced Kakashi's lower eyelid, lingering over the notch in the center where no eyelashes grew.

Kakashi blinked involuntarily and took a step backwards. "That's enough."

He felt Sasuke's eyes track him as he tucked himself back into bed. "You should get some sleep, Sasuke."

Sasuke stood motionless for so long that Kakashi had to repeat himself.

Finally, Sasuke nodded, his mouth a flat line. "Good night, Kakashi."

"Good night, Sasuke," Kakashi answered, and he watched his student hop neatly out his window.

~*~*~

To Kakashi's relief, the next few days saw them reverting to their old habit. Kakashi was pleased to find that Sasuke had improved... despite the hardships of Wave Country, or probably more accurately because of them, it had been good for Sasuke. He seemed to realize this too, and he gave Kakashi a wide, proud smirk the night Kakashi opened his eyes to the feel of Sasuke's finger at the bridge of his nose.

Kakashi's hand shot up to catch Sasuke's wrist before the young man could slide his mask down. "Good job, Sasuke-kun," Kakashi said, hoping that Sasuke couldn't tell how hard his heart was beating. That had actually been something of a shock. "But you're going to have to try harder."

"Next time," Sasuke agreed with a nod.

~*~*~

Next time turned out to be something different, entirely.

Sasuke was as stealthy as ever, and actually managed to get both his knees on the bed before Kakashi awoke. Oddly enough, his hands were nowhere near Kakashi's face, but twisted up tight in the sheets he knelt on.

"What is it?" Kakashi whispered, his body instinctively readying itself to react to any threat.

Sasuke didn't look at him. He looked at the wall, and whispered back, "Sometimes..." He shook his head and made a noise of disgust.

"What?" Kakashi asked, sitting up, his forehead drawn in concern.

Sasuke glanced at him, then looked away again. "Sometimes I think I'm crazy," he said in a flat, emotionless voice.

"Ah." Unwilling to move lest he discourage Sasuke from continuing, Kakashi just watched as Sasuke wrinkled his face up, then made a visible effort to smooth it out again.

"I can't sleep," Sasuke said, still not looking at Kakashi. "Can I..."

Kakashi's stomach twisted up. He was glad that Sasuke couldn't get it out, couldn't ask what he was obviously about to ask yet, because Kakashi had no idea what his answer should be. Should he let Sasuke sleep here, with him? Could he tell Sasuke no? Should he send Sasuke away, when it seemed that he was the only person that Sasuke had opened up to, even in this small way?

Either answer was irresponsible, and yet, he realized he couldn't bring himself to say no. If he had ever worked up the courage, back when he was young and angry and knew nothing but despair, to go to his own sensei and make a request like this, he would have been shattered had the man sent him away.

Sasuke was shaking. It was barely noticeable, but Kakashi could feel the subtle thrum conducted through the mattress.

Kakashi took pity on him. "Lay down," he said quietly.

With a shaky, relieved sigh, Sasuke lowered himself to the mattress. On his back, with his arms crossed over his stomach, his shoulder barely touching Kakashi's, and his legs on top of the blanket.

Not bothering to hide his amusement, Kakashi said, "Take your shoes off, at least."

"Oh." Sasuke sat up and slid off his shoes.

As he lay back down, Kakashi offered him the edge of the blanket, speaking to remove some of the awkwardness from the moment. "Good thing you're so skinny, otherwise I would have said no." And honestly Kakashi was glad that Sasuke was so small - his bed wasn't huge, but Sasuke was whip-thin, and Kakashi wasn't much more than skin and bones, himself. There was plenty of room, and no need for them to have to press up close together.

"Don't tell anyone," Sasuke whispered as he tugged the blankets up under his chin.

Kakashi almost laughed. "Trust me, I won't."

~*~*~

They ended up pressed together anyway, Sasuke's leg thrown across Kakashi's thigh, and his arm curled around Kakashi's waist. Kakashi awoke while it was still dark, and had a moment of panic when he felt Sasuke's fingers on his skin, under his shirt. But Sasuke was plainly asleep, and had most likely meant nothing by it.

Or had he? Kakashi debated moving him, and decided in the end that this was too much closeness...he had said Sasuke could sleep here, not cuddle him, and this wasn't a precedent he felt comfortable setting. Carefully, he extracted Sasuke's hand from inside his shirt.

Of course, Sasuke's eyes flew open.

Sasuke jerked his hand away immediately and rolled onto his back. And sat up just as quickly, but not before Kakashi noticed the hip-level lump pushing up against the blankets. Sasuke thrust his legs off the bed and hastily shoved his feet into his shoes, and bolted to the window.

As he unlatched it, Kakashi said, in his usual tone of voice, "Good night, Sasuke."

Kakashi hoped that this had the intended effect of letting Sasuke know that it was okay, that Kakashi wasn't horrified, that they were still the same people who had gone to sleep just a few hours past. He thought it may have been effective when Sasuke relaxed his shoulders and took a breath.

"Good night," Sasuke said, and he let himself out.

...tbc