When I say Vegas...

A/N: I`m posting all my stuff over here too, just to be sure.In case my normal hangout closes down 2marrow.  This will most likely never be finised, *grumbles at the lack of muses* Unless I suddenly feel like it.. I started writing this as a gift fic for Cai.. so I really should finish it. xD OMG! I`m sorry..I suck! I know.. *hides* AND YES! This is an attempt at humor..

Betaed by the wonderful annieme

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You know that feeling you have when you’ve been out and drank too much of your uncle Harry’s moonshine? No? Well, then you’re lucky, because that’s how Naruto felt. Like the moon had fallen in his head, knocking the world in the process and they were now tumbling down in a sickening spiral. Faster, faster...



He was floating in that space between dreams and reality, trying desperately to stop the ground from spinning while he swallowed several times. Snails, huge slugs, had apparently decided to crawl down his throat, make a little nest.. and die. He gagged, swallowing the shiver that raced up his spine before taking several deep breaths through his nose. 







‘What the hell happened last night? What the hell did I drink.. and..’ Naruto blinked his sleep laced eyes and stared at the ceiling. A creamy blue ceiling, with white clouds and little cherubs peeking out from behind them, a rosy pink hue to their round cheeks. “.....Did I die?”



He blinked again, turning his head as slowly as possible while he took in more of the new room. Red curtains, huge ornaments of lilies all over the place in too big golden vases. Red roses mingling with the white monstrosities. What the hell was this place? It looked like a cheesy version of a porn set. Even the bedspread and the carpet had that same deep red color.. 



He knew that logically, he was in Vegas. He had come here with Kiba yesterday. They were on a road trip. Traveling the famous route 66 in a really run down 1958 Impala that drank oil and gasoline at a rate that would impress NASA’s space shuttles..... Kiba had managed to get it really cheap from one of his sisters many ex-boyfriends. But it was painted in a really bright orange, so Naruto couldn’t be happier. They had taken into an old motel just on the outside of the hot spot of Las Vegas, and that’s where Naruto had planned on waking up.. but this, was definitely not that place.



‘Where the hell am I?’ Naruto sat up in the bed, the gigantic bed, and scooted up to lean against the cushioned headboard, absentmindedly fiddling with the little band around his left ring finger. 



“...........”



‘Wait?!’ Naruto let out a screech as he lifted his arm and found, not only a thick golden band around his finger, but also a handcuff. A steel, honest to god, real handcuff.. not one of those cheep ones that you can find at every porn shop in the country. Oh no.. a real one. A real one that require a key to open.





Naruto was feeling faint. First now, he realized that he wasn’t alone in the huge bed.



How had he not noticed? How? Do you miss an entire person sleeping next to you in a huge bed? And how the fuck? Do you miss the fact that you’re handcuffed to this person.’Oh kami.. Oh kami.. Oh holy shit! Let her be hot.. let her be hot... if I’m married to a stranger.. please let her be hot. That, or Hinata. Oh yes.. please let it be Hinata.’ 





With all thoughts of the major hangover forgotten, swallowed by the pure anxiety, and the dread of finding out who his new wife was- Naruto leaned carefully over. Ever so careful to not wake the girl. 





‘Hm.. Black hair, not bad, a bit short though. Definitely not Hinata..her hair is much longer. Creamy white skin..’



Naruto’s brain stopped working. His mouth falling open as his eyes bugged out, tracing the smooth chest of the other, several hickeys and scratches testifying a rather rough night.



‘This............. Is! Not! A! Girl!’



“WHAT THE HELL?!!” Naruto screamed and pushed the boy as hard as he could. Like that could make him go away, like that could make the situation disappear. Forgetting the handcuffs in his panic, he felt a harsh jerk to his hand when the other tumbled onto the floor. Seconds later he found himself sprawled on top of the boy.



Thick eyelashes fluttered before the blackest eyes Naruto had ever seen blinked open, confusion swirling in those endless pools for a moment before a sweet smile spread over the relaxed features. “Oh.. Hello Naruto. You’re awake I see..” Naruto could only stare dumbstruck when the other reached a delicate hand up to stroke his hair, taking a soft grip on the back of his neck, pulling him down before he kissed him softly on the lips. “G’morning husband. Did you sleep well dear?”



That did it..



“GYAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Get away from me! Let me go! Let me go!” Naruto tried to scramble backwards, again forgetting the handcuffs. His scream intensifying as he realized that he was stuck to the other. 



“Get them off! Get them off..shit, shit, shit..” 



“Baby, Naruto.. calm down honey.” Naruto stopped his actions altogether. Gawking at the other for a second before he sat up on his knees, one hand trying to tug some of the blankets with him to cover himself somewhat up. His panicking brain not missing the fact that he was naked. Shaking his other hand desperately, hoping that it would fall of. Hand or cuffs.. didn’t matter. He just wanted to get the fuck out of here. 



The words sat long inside his chest, and it took some time to get them. But he managed after five minutes of dumbfounded staring at the other while he jingled the cuffed arm, keeping the other over his more private parts. “What...” he swallowed. “What? Did you call me?”



The other boy smiled again. A damned weird smile. Like it was rehearsed or something, not real. Just like Naruto hoped that this situation was not real. This was punk’ed right? Or something like that.. some candid camera show. And any minute now.. the camera crew would come running in, laughing and clapping, with his friends in tow. 



No doubt.. aaaaany second now. 



“Buttercup? Do you need a glass of water or something? You don’t look too good..” 



‘B-Buttercup?’ Naruto closed his eyes, taking several gulps of air before he opened them again. 



The other had moved even closer now, reaching out a hand towards him. Obviously not shy at all. Sitting there, so close, scooting closer still.. Hiding nothing, clearly happy to be there too, if Naruto were to judge by the way the other’s dick stood to hard attention against a rippled six pa... ‘Do. Not! even go there..I did not just think that.. fuck!’ Snapping his eyes up away from the other’s body he found himself face to face with the other’s worried stare again. 



“What’s wrong with you? You seem so agitated..”



‘Agitated? Now there is the understatement of the year..’ Naruto leaned back, using the handcuffed hand to push the other back, ignoring the little jolts of excitement leaping from where his fingers touched the other. “I-um.. eeh..well.” He smiled sheepishly, deciding that it might be better if he tried to sort this out without screaming, yelling or crying. He could go scrub and cry in the shower later, in his own hotel room.. alone, without a man handcuffed to his wrist. Surely.. this was all just a big misunderstanding. Naruto was straight, as an arrow.. like, fucking Pocahontas arrow straight. He couldn’t be married to a gay guy? No way! 



Letting the uncertain smile linger while he scratched the back of his head, he decided to go straight to the source of the problem. “What the hell happened last night? And who are you? And why are we handcuffed together..and WHY do I have a fucking wedding band on my finger? How did I end up in a room with fat kids painted on the ceiling. And for the love of ramen, why do you keep calling me darling and buttercup....or better yet; husband?" 



Well.. the *sources* of his problem anyways. 



The other boys smile fell. A little... 



“You don’t remember?” 



“Well.. duh genius.” 



The boy tiled his head in a pondering gesture, his brows furrowing in curiosity. Those black eyes reading Naruto intensely. “You honestly don’t remember do you?”



“How many times do I have to tell you that?” 



“I’m sorry. I just kinda thought you would remember. I didn’t think you were *that* drunk. You did manage to get the paperwork done and all, not even a snivel..”



“Paperwork? What paperwork?”



“Our marriage papers silly..”



“Our.. Our?!.. M-marriage papers?” Naruto’s voice piped up at the end. 



“Yeah... we met at the bar last night, down at Stravos. That little place next to New York, New York. You had just won huge at one of those one armed bandits, buying rounds for everyone.”



“I won?” Naruto couldn’t believe it. The one time he actually won something, and he had been too shitfaced to even remember. 



“Yeah.. you won like ten thousand dollars. You honestly don’t remember?” 



Naruto shook his head no, urging the other to continue while he tried to wrack his brain for.. something, anything. How the hell did this happen? How did he go from sober to fucked up so fast? It wasn’t like he had drunk that much or anything.. one, two beers and then there was that one drink. The blue one that the blue man gave him.. 



‘Shit.. the bastard must have spiked my drink with something.. roofies maybe? Fuck!’



He groaned and leaned his head forward, letting it lull against his chest, stiffening when he felt a soft hand rubbing his shoulder. 



“Dude. Let me go. I’m sorry... really sorry if this hurts you. But, I’m not gay. So.. we’re not staying married. In fact.. we never were married. Can’t we just go and get an annulment or something. You know, like that Britney chick did? Yeah..” 



“No.” 



“What?” Naruto’s mouth fell open..his voice reaching new levels of screeching when he screamed out at the still fucking smiling; - that false smile- boy. “What do you mean ‘no?’ of course we are!”



“No. I don’t want to get an annulment. Or a divorce for that matter. I like you..you’re.. energetic and charismatic. Quite different from my other boyfriend. I do admit that I could have done a little better in the dick department with you.. it’s not that impressive is it? But... I guess it’ll do.” 



“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT FREAK? And what do you mean small dick? I have a decent dick size thank you very much.. I’m a grower, not a shower.. alright.. oh god! I can’t believe I just said that to you..”



“My name is Sai, not freak.. and if your dick is that impressive. Why don’t you just show me? Hm.. you did show me *something* last night though.. but I’m afraid I was quite drunk myself, so the memory is kinda blurry. But I remember it felt damned good shoved up my ass. That much I remember.” 



‘Oh good.. He’s the wife. Awe.. fuck! I fucked a guy.. shiiiiiiit. I’ll never drink again.`



“Okay.. listen. Sai. This here, with you and me, can never work. Alright? Look at my mouth when I say this..” Naruto pointed to his chapped lips before he mouthed out slowly, loudly, as clear as he could. “I AM NOT GA..” he was abruptly stopped when Sai shoved a straw into his mouth. “Drink..” 



“What? No.. or, fine. But, I’m not gay. Alright..so jump off that denial bus and join reality, I’m flattered you seem to like me that much. But we just can’t stay married. Now, where is that phone book.” 



“I don’t think there is a phone book, but you could probably just call down to front desk and ask them to put you through to wherever you need to call.” Sai was smiling again, his hand resting on Naruto’s shoulder. 



Naruto sighed. Fine, Sai could have his hand there if he absolutely had to.. “I need to call a locksmith or an axe murderer or something.. I just need to get these here.” He jingled the cuffs “off..”



“Oh.” Sai smiled before he stood up, pulling at the cuffs, heading for one of the doors, Naruto just assumed that it was the bathroom. “Oh ho ho..nu huh. I am sooo not going into there with you. I am not watching you take a piss, or a shit for that matter.”



“Relax Naruto. I just want to shower. I hate feeling dirty like this..”



“WHAT?!” 



Naruto set his heels into the carpet and leaned back, effectively stopping the raven. “I am sooo not taking a shower with you.”



“Why not? We’re already naked..” Sai stared pointedly at Naruto’s private parts, something that made the blond sputter helplessly, covering himself up as best as he could with his hand. Sheet forgotten on the floor. “Oh, come on. Don’t be a baby.. have you never taken a shower with a man before? I can give you a blowjob if you want to..I’m really good at them.”



“WHAT?!!!!”